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wheels in motion to move me soon
alz+
Posted: Sunday, December 9, 2018 7:07 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


I found out my husband I separated from called my son and explained to him the danger he saw in me tyring to live alone. My heart is opening again.

My son called me yesterday and said he and my daughter will be here in January and will take care of closing the house, getting me back to California, and helping their dad make a room for me in his house.

I over paid some bills (entering wrong numbers) and the snow and ice is dangerous. 

Yesterday a woman I met 2+ years ago while walking the hill came over to say good bye. Her visit was heartbreaking, she has severe cognitive problems but no diagnosis, moved up here from Texas, bought a house, could not finish moving in and is now abandoning it and not sure where she will go next as Texas is too hot and all she wants to do is stay in bed. We discussed end of life fears and both agreed it is the american for profit medical system that drains your insurance or savings with pointless tests and procedures instead of providing comfort to die. 

We talked about free people who were captured who died within days after being put in captivity, the expression "Give up the ghost", about how our own parents handled illness and death.  That there was no sin in going along with nature or helping the process be easier.

I could understand her feeling unwanted, how her "behavior" drove away her daughter, lots of things. We agreed urgency to line up a medical ??? person who can speak for us when we are not able who will stop intrusive stuff.  when she left, a long hug and mutual peace that we got to say good bye to eachother.

I am telling neighbors I will be leaving soon. My neighbor is back from helping his friend die of brain cancer and looks broken, even so he said he will help me prepare to be moved soon. another man is going to take over feeding of the cat I feed as it struggles through winter.

****

It meant the world to me to hear my son say he will visit more often and bring the grandkids to visit grandpa and grandma. No one thinks it weird I am going back to their dad's house to die. The climate will be easier, he has fenced yard and dog door so my dog can enjoy that, there is a road I walked when I was out there last spring.

My daughter is going to figure out how to get me from here with my dog to out there, maybe a road trip. They are planting seeds of hope, to  maybe see Zion national park on way out west, I am no longer repsonsible for getting tax stuff together, paying bills, what will happen to ______.  

My daughter told me to "pick a paint color" for my new room. I already had it thinking I was going to paint my room here this winter but could not. I feel relief beginning to sink in and not having to be responsible for anything again.

Keeper read my song that was posted online and came over. It affected him deeply, we talked for hours. Our "divorce" is a legal separation that is more like his wife died, grieving now for eachother, no hate or anger. A deep peace between us, he has pledged to keep bringing me food  until I am taken out of house.

So this is the plan, wonder what will really happen?

love you all so much





jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, December 9, 2018 9:27 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17415


Your writing today it totally different!
Michael Ellenbogen
Posted: Sunday, December 9, 2018 9:28 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2567


Thats Great!
Seaside
Posted: Sunday, December 9, 2018 1:53 PM
Joined: 1/3/2015
Posts: 162


It brought tears to my eyes, dear alz+, to read that those kind and loving wheels are in motion for your care and well-being. God speed and journeys' mercies upon you.

Love, Betty xoxo


jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, December 9, 2018 3:13 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17415


I am on route 66 and would love to meet you!
Gig Harbor
Posted: Sunday, December 9, 2018 10:00 PM
Joined: 3/10/2016
Posts: 580


The love and concern your family is showing and the help they will provide to you speaks volumes about what a special person you are and how loved you are. Good luck on this new part of your journey. I hope you get to take that road trip.
alz+
Posted: Monday, December 10, 2018 5:13 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


jfkoc wrote:
Your writing today it totally different!
I see that!         
I am still editing and cleaning up posts, emails etc at times, that will maybe never go?

Increased cbd drops and increased from 3 - 4 times a day to 6 but was super anxious yesterday, adjusting to leaving stuff as is, to not feel like Ihave to do anything more.

also have had long periods of sleep on new thc oil and my dog is on a med to stop her wetting in house and so I don't have to be up 3 - 4 times a night letting her out.
Plus Keeper has been texting my daughter too, and daughter is friends with a neighbor woman who has been acting "different past week" - ha! they thought they had to sneak me help!

like I didn't know I was desperate?  I was trying to keep them from "worrying" -

****
I found a spell check ... thing to click that turned it on. Bought computer last year, thought it did not have it. I swear it did nothave it. yea!

also my son said they "might have a mover take my favorite stuff out there" so my daughter could put in her new apartment (if she moves closer etc) and me have what I can use at their dad's house.

So glad relief is coming. Day by day, hour by hour.

5am time for coffee - learned to make coffee, pour fresh into jar, screw down top. the lid POPS a seal and it stays fresh, so dont have to use stove every day.
luxury!
also found string of crhistmas lights and hung them in my bedroom over curtain rod. 
I love the colors.

thanks to everyone for your support and being witness to all of it! Oh I hope I make it out there. oh please oh please oh please.
 thank you for your support - EVERYONE. 
Iris can continue her life now -     I have a lot of ideal friends online from this board.

Mimi S.
Posted: Monday, December 10, 2018 9:53 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 7035


Wonderful news, Alz+.
Iris L.
Posted: Monday, December 10, 2018 6:14 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16143


It's amazing how things seem to come together once we make a decision.  I'm so happy that things are coming together for you, Alz+.  Stay in your + mode.  January will be here in just a few days.  Stay strong!


Iris L.


Jo C.
Posted: Tuesday, December 11, 2018 7:07 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10155


Wonderful, wonderful news . . . .  I am heartened knowing that you will have those who love you and care about you very near in the land of no snow or ice.  

Also good to know that the kids will take care of the "big stuff," so you do not have to deal with it. 

Do keep us posted from time to time, you know we are thinking of you.

 J.


alz+
Posted: Wednesday, December 19, 2018 10:13 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


need my alz friends today.

living alone, the burden of making house fit to sell is impossible to carry.

have sunk to lowest and now find caring for the dog is too much which means having to give away my dog. My husband I am divorcing is coming to get her today so I have a few days to see how I do living WITHOUT a dog - something I have never been able to do because of what I just realized in ptsd - complex.

There is a woman at local pharmacy who has said many times "if you ever want someone to take your dog I love her and would love to have her." If Keeper can not manage to work his long night shifts with her then we have to find her a new home.

OR my family is saying "No! You will not be able to handle life without the dog, she will help you transition to new living situation, keep the dog!"

I cry every day about this and because I am overwhelmed.

****

the hospice nurse - I thought they would be able to provide me some comfort and instead I start to dread her visit 2 days before and worse the day she is coming. She is the one who told me I could live alone, she has told my Keeper is trying to move back in, will abuse me, will steal my money. She says I am nervous when she comes because he was here or whatever. She said to "Just re-home the dog, everyone does it."

I held back the rage this week when she came (2 hours late) and started with her questions with an attitude of ??? it comes off to me as insulting. I told her when she said she would be late I was toot tired, but she texted "almost there" so I gave in. I could not speak and did not want to answer questions about if my daughter was now paying my bills for me or what progress was made or "how are plans getting rid of dog".

I asked her "what is the point to the questions?" she looked at me and said "You're brain is tired, why don't you go back to bed?"

I told her I saw no point in having further visits, she said she would speak to my daughter and discharge me if that's what I wanted.

My body trembles most of the day. 4 weeks until my kids show up.  I have a sense of foreboding most of waking hours. With help of friend from boards I discovered PTSD COMPLEX which explains a life of "symptoms" that plague me.

I took triple dose of cbd oil this morning and managed a short walk with dog. Some nights I listen to videos about treating ptsd and also sensory deprivation effects.

Wish I had capacity to share what I feel is reality of alzheimer symptoms that are often (in my mind) based on false assumptions which is why there is not treatment, why a hospice nurse would think I could man-up and handle life if I just tried.

****

bad memories remain and have emerged like the plague. the one thing that has been useful is asking the question, if they were a lesson to be learned from my life what would that be?

I would say now, there was no way I could have done anything to protect myself from evil, there was no way I could have explained to people who don't want to know or who have not also lived with the abuse I have endured, how it will never go away. That I never should have been made "responsible", that leaving my body during abuse might have helped one time but after that - when normal people sense danger they react with self protective behaviors but when you have been damaged from so young a person just kind of folds and evil people sense that which leads to being targeted.

tears, talk, time - motto of woman who treats ptsd-complex. 

I know other people cry a lot with Alzheimer's and they are drugged for it. The whole system of putting patients in storage at nursing homes will one day be seen for the horror it is, just like the torture of mental patients.

****

will share what happens with the dog being gone if possible.

 If anyone else had to give away their animals please help me. At least when I cry for hours and am alone no one is telling me to buck up, things will be better.



Iris L.
Posted: Wednesday, December 19, 2018 2:52 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16143


Alz+, most people, including professionals, are CLUELESS about PWDs.  Don't allow the hospice nurse to inflame you.  Focus on your food and your heat and waiting for your daughter to arrive.  You might put together a few lists of what you want to take with you.  Most probably can be left behind.

 

I'm sorry about the dog.  Is your daughter willing to transport the dog to California?

 

Hang on!  Focus on yourself and staying calm.  She will be here soon.

 

Iris L.


jfkoc
Posted: Wednesday, December 19, 2018 4:46 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17415


Hospice workers are not trained to help PWD.

Do you want your dog in CA? Can he be fostered by your husband or the woman at the pharmacy?

I have re-homed two dogs because they needed more than I could give. 


Iris L.
Posted: Wednesday, December 19, 2018 11:48 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16143


Alz+, I have a small inkling of what you might be feeling now.  My own head is getting in a muddle from too many thoughts.  I have spent three days reading about buying a new car.  Now all the thoughts are running together.  I'm in a muddle!  Is this how you feel?  We have got to find a way to simplify and make it easier on us both.

Iris


Jo C.
Posted: Thursday, December 20, 2018 10:08 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10155


Dear alz+,

 What you are feeling may well be secondary to the significant changes soon to be made.

Heightened severity of anxiety and upsets happen to many people when their lives will be having significant changes    NOTE:   These are normal feelings for many under the circumstances.  We understand.  

 Please go to the first Post you wrote on this Thread and read your happy words regarding the move.   Remember those thoughts, it will happen.

 You are going to be alright.  Truly.

 1.   Contact your daughter and let her know that things feel like they are unwinding and how upset and overwhelmed you are feeling.   She needs to know and she really does care.

  2.  Is it possible for one of your kids to help you make the move sooner than four weeks?   A couple of suitcases and a plane ticket with your daughter with you and soon you will be able to feel safe and "home."  Weather's in the 70's out here and you will be free and far more comfortable amongst those who love you and care.

  3.   Sometimes our fears are worse than what the reality is or will be.   

  4.  Would you be helped with a prescribed med that can help a bit better with the severity of the anxiety?

  5.   Let your daughter be the guide if the following is helpful regarding bill paying:   A change of address with the Post Office can be done online and take place almost immediately.   Your daughter can do this and she can then receive bills and pay them for you, letting you know when she has done it.  You can simply mail her some checks, keeping some checks for yourself. 

  6.   Having someone come in to check is not a bad idea under the circumstances; BUT, if the Hospice person is an agitation for you, have your daughter contact Hospice and ask for a different person to come out who has more people skills.  You only need this for a few more weeks at most.   It is not forever.

  7.  Try to let go.  Do not fuss about the dog - your daughter is going to take care of that bit.  You do NOT have to place the dog if you are comfortable with having him with you - BUT if you are not comfortable and the work is too much, simply board him with Keeper or the lady who likes him.  It will only be for a few short weeks at most.   

  8.  Fussing about things that may or may not become a problem is also normal for this type of change in one's life.  We tend to refocus our feelings on other things, some can be imagined fears and not in reality; so we have to remind ourselves to "let go."

  9.  You do not have to fuss with closing up the house or readying it for sale in the future.  Your daughter has told you that your adult kids will do all of this.  You can let go.   If you must, use bits of paper and tape to label things you will want to have shipped to you later.   They do not have to go with you now.

  10.  REPEAT:  Please do contact your daughter and let her know how you are feeling and how overwhelming things are and see if you can make the move sooner if that will be of comfort.

  ALSO:  Please do come back here and let us know how you are; we are here for you, we care and we are listening.   You are going to be alright.

 I repeat:  You are going to be alright.

  With warmest thoughts being sent your way from your friends of which I count myself as one,

 J.


Michael Ellenbogen
Posted: Thursday, December 20, 2018 11:39 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2567


Iris I get the best deals on buy cars. If you want help let me know. I will help you save thousands. I also know what car is great for someone with AD as I own it. 
Iris L.
Posted: Thursday, December 20, 2018 6:14 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16143


Alz+, Jo C is giving excellent advice.  If your daughter can come sooner, great.


Michael, thanks for the offer.  I'll email you.  What kind of car do you have?


Iris L.


Michael Ellenbogen
Posted: Thursday, December 20, 2018 7:27 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2567


Toyota RAV4 Hybrid - It has made my life so much better and I can now drive at night and in the rain.  Lets talk about it as I don’t want to hijack this thread.  


Iris L.
Posted: Friday, December 21, 2018 3:08 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16143


That's a great choice Michael.  I still have not made up my mind on one model yet.  I'll be in touch if I need you.  Thanks again for offering.

Iris 

 


Jo C.
Posted: Friday, December 21, 2018 9:31 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10155


Hello alz+; I am just dropping by to let you know that I am thinking about you today.

 J.