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Calling Alz+
Jo C.
Posted: Thursday, February 28, 2019 9:47 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10202


Hello, alz+,  your friends here are thinking of you and hopng you can Post soon; we miss you.  We are also sending warmest of thoughts your way.

J.


Mimi S.
Posted: Thursday, February 28, 2019 12:06 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 7035


Ditto from me.
Iris L.
Posted: Thursday, February 28, 2019 2:12 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16187


Alz+, stay strong!  I hope you are continuing to heal.  I am wishing the best for you.

 

Iris


llee08032
Posted: Friday, March 1, 2019 6:12 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4406


((((((((Alz+)))))))))))
Iris L.
Posted: Friday, March 1, 2019 4:15 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16187


Hello Ilee!  I sent you an email.  I hope you get a chance to look at it.

Iris


jfkoc
Posted: Friday, March 1, 2019 7:25 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17543


Hi.....we are all thinking about you and hoping for a post soon
Smilesyourway
Posted: Saturday, March 2, 2019 8:12 AM
Joined: 1/11/2019
Posts: 70


Sending out well wishes and prayers dear Alz+.  We miss you and all your kindness, wisdom and friendship. 

Smiles


Jo C.
Posted: Sunday, March 3, 2019 10:09 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10202


Good morning, alz+; I saw by the news reports that weather is still very, very cold up there in that neck of the woods.

I was surprised to have the national news on and suddenly saw film of downtown Marquette and some nearby areas; I grew up just a couple of small towns over from there, so it was a familar site.  

Hope you are doing okay and staying warm and that Old Man Winter soon looses his steam and the door to Spring opens.

J.


alz+
Posted: Sunday, March 3, 2019 11:05 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


I felt the love coming from this place today!

Very weak yet - a friend from 1967 came to visit me for an overnight. She contacted me last year and I waited all summer for her to come, had an old iron couch and cushions I would take out of the rain and put back in the sun. That happens most of the time, things fall apart. so  I would say "sure" to things and stopped caring if anything came through.

It was an incredibly healing 2 days. She came for me to have that. Living alone does not keep people from the past from inhabiting each moment. I have way too much company most of the time.

The flu or whatever is suffocating, my friend helped me to bed and she took care of dog's need to pee. I slept 12 hours. We talked in morning and she left me some food. She cried and I cried on the ice driveway before she left.

waiting for rescue is a condition in itself. what is waiting? anticipation? fear? tension? nothing that helps me wobble around for water and feeding dog, cat, birds. what helps me keep finding food and letting dog out? 

*****

I sank a car in the 1986 flood of russian river, middle of night. had roll down windows so I escaped and swam through heavy debris until I could touch ground. was I lucky or unlucky? I was in a state of shock for days. My car was found under 16 of water.

That state of shock is protective especially when there is no empathetic comfort given. I feel like I am in a state of shock.

*****

my dog has become sensitive to my condition. 

there are plans being discussed about how and when to move me and my dog. each day I care less about the house and its contents.  I have witnessed very gentle endings. The move is so I have a place to die responsibly.  .  I'm not moving to a place to party. I'm going to have very little responsibility there, for good reason. The Goal is to not be seriously injured, arrested, or cause mayhem while feeling as comfortable as possible.

it is hard enough to get food, wash my body, tend to dog. I don't care about more than that. sleep and water = wild success

I have wanted to come here to share certain Big Moment Thoughts during this illness but I am usually way too exhausted to even turn on computer. I sleep doze listen to audiobooks on youtube, day night all kind of one thing. The Big Thoughts disappear.

I don't want to be held a failure for not pushing or demanding "more" or for dying of natural causes by not seeking medical intervention which is torture to me.

I love all of you. the kindness we show each other here and privately through messages  has made my journey pretty interesting. I was in such despair when I first came here. Every kind or challenging exchange has made my life with ALZ so much less lonely. 

My friend from the past - this was second person since I was diagnosed who embraced me physically and felt for me with tears. The other person is a woman who hikes the same hills I walk. 

That is really something. Not my family, not my husband, not my children. Why friends here and via email or texts is life changing in a good way. Can not say enough about being lifted up thru the internet from people I will never meet in person.

Without the support one finds here in community most of us probably rarely have immediate physical comfort and compassion. 

A good dog, a quiet room, an easy bathroom, a comfortable bed. That is my intention and I have it now. If I move I have will that there.

I forgot how to copy paste a photo but this is where my dog's face would have been.

I bought a cremation box on eBay 12 years ago. I'l be cheap to the very end.




Iris L.
Posted: Sunday, March 3, 2019 1:04 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16187


Your friend from the distant past showed true friendship!  She cared and she was not clueless.  Her presence was such a comfort to you.  At some point what we can handle gets down to the basics.  Continue to heal, Alz+.  You have accomplished so much already.

 

Iris


jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, March 3, 2019 1:19 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17543


You sound better. Weller? No, but better. 

Please continue to do what you want and please try not to load yourself down with what is truly not important. 

That said I do think it would be a good idea to contact your church and get on Mobile Meals. I would gladly make calls for you if you wish.

This is your time! No need for interference. 


Jo C.
Posted: Monday, March 4, 2019 8:06 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10202


So very good to hear from you; you were missed.   What a lovely friend you have and a blessing to have such love.

Winter cannot last forever even though it seems like it; spring really is just right around the corner.  It will be wonderful when one can have warm toes again.  This was one humdinger of a winter; that is for sure.

What a terrifying occurrence in having to swim in the flood to escape your sinking car; you were one strong woman to be able to do that.  

We will continue to come here and look for you; it is a celebration when we find a Post from you; guess you can tell your friends here all care deeply.

Warmest of thoughts being sent your way again,

J.


Lane Simonian
Posted: Monday, March 4, 2019 2:35 PM
Joined: 12/12/2011
Posts: 4599


Bless you my friend.
alz+
Posted: Wednesday, March 6, 2019 11:14 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


I am loafing in bed most of the time and getting up when I feel inspired to get food, feed feral cat or dog and the birds.

I took dog out for short walk 2 days ago, bitter cold, pushed myself to go a little further down the road. Then wind picked up and it was too cold and I had to fight my way back to the house only to find the front door lock had jammed. I could not back in house.

I started yelling "HELP! HELP!" and my dog was getting nervous. I shoveled  enough top snow to get to my bedroom sliding door which I had unlocked "in case" but was not strong enough to pull it open with all the ice. I ended up in waist deep snow at side of house and just crawled and dog my way to back deck and that sliding door opened because I had been using it to feed cat.

I ran inside, opened front door for dog, and just dissolved into tears and shakes. I was so cold and scared.

Keeper came right away and used WD-40 on lock and cleared the bedroom door entrance. He sat with me for a couple hours until I could eat. 

****

My daughter is making plans to "come get me and dog" first week in April but they have no plans for how to empty house or how to get back out there. I will not put a dog on a plane.

This harsh winter alone has almost killed me a few times, I surrender. Ready to just go to bed in another house with a dog door and fenced yard and call it a wild success.

*****

if you live alone or are home alone and you get in fix sometimes you have to rely on yourself. I do have neighbors who I could have sought out for help. 

this is incredibly hard, this weekend it supposed to be 30 degrees. My goal is to walk a half mile this weekend with dog.


Iris L.
Posted: Wednesday, March 6, 2019 12:39 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16187


Wow Alz+, what an adventure!  When I lived in Alaska I never locked my door, fearing what you experienced.  Can you get a whistle or air-horn to alert your neighbors if you need help? I'm glad you're feeling better.  Keep healing!

 

Iris


jfkoc
Posted: Wednesday, March 6, 2019 1:22 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17543


Please only worry about what you want to take with you to CA. put things in boxes and put masking tape ( a bright color) on anything that does not fit in a box.

Your daughter will be in charge of getting those things moved. She may call a moving company or she may UHaul it back to CA. If a you haul the dog can drive cross country.

Please leave and let them come back to worry about what you are not taking! Just shut the door, shed a tear, and get out of Dodge. You may have a meltdown....I would have more than one.


Smilesyourway
Posted: Thursday, March 7, 2019 11:52 PM
Joined: 1/11/2019
Posts: 70


ALZ+ I was thrilled to see your post.  What a few months you've had.  So happy to see you out here and doing a little better.  This is not easy stuff that's for sure.  Hugs from Montana.

Smiles


alz+
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2019 10:05 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


JFKOC -

I can't put anything in a box. I did pack a suitcase a month ago.

the stuff I love most is fragile. I meant to spend winter photographing vases and great grandmother blanket and stuff I love but probably cannot take. I was going to make a photo album of it. I was also going to photograph my vintage scarf collection and make little photo book.

No can do. Looked at the scarves one day, stood in front of the cases that hold them and pulled them out, trying to find one to start with. they are still in apile on the cases upstairs.

However: Keeper brought me Mexican food from my favorite restaurant yesterday and rubbed my back and shoulders. He spent night here to get dog out so I could sleep - and I did!

This morning I saw his ankles were swollen and I gave him massage and lymphatic treatment, the swelling is gone - a taste of the fun life I had as massage  therapist.

so going to walk dog now while it is almost 30 degrees. Not sure how far I can go but that sleep helps so much! Since my state went 100% legal I have been getting cookies for sleep or pain or anxiety from a neighbor who bakes. It is such a gentle natural sleep I just love those things.

We had good cry today about separating - even after all our battles - so we are stage of loving and letting go. Really hard to be without him.

Life goes on until it's over.



Iris L.
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2019 12:21 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16187


How poignant.  In the end, life is about experiences and not things. Savor these moments, Alz+.

Iris


a_step@a_time
Posted: Sunday, March 10, 2019 1:19 AM
Joined: 11/21/2015
Posts: 235


Alz+ you are so adventurous.  Being out in that cold can take a toll, especially when fighting illness. Do take care of yourself!
jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, March 10, 2019 9:43 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17543


OK. Piles are good. When we planned a trip I always had paper and pencil of the counter to write down what I needed to pack or to do. That way I di not need to keep everything in my head. Then each of us had a check list to be completed before walking out the door.
Iris L.
Posted: Sunday, March 10, 2019 1:15 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16187


Alz+, I understand how difficult it is for you to organize your thoughts well enough to go through your scarves and do other packing.  Think about ONE thing at a time, ONE scarf at a time.  Focusing on one item at a time has helped me a great deal.  In the meantime, focus on calming your mind.  Focus on the basics--feeding yourself and your dog, letting the dog out, and staying warm.  As your mind calms, you will be able to do a bit more.  

 

Iris


Jo C.
Posted: Wednesday, March 13, 2019 12:43 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10202


Just dropping by to say I am thinking of you.  It has been one doozy of a winter up there; you have been amazing in that you have been taking walks in the frigid temps.  Talk about brave!  My elderly friend in the U.P. said that her windows are now covered up to the top with snow; that is a whole lot of that white stuff.

Your telling of being locked out of the house in the freezing cold had my hair practically standing on end.  I am so sorry that happened; how frightening that had to be and I am sure that is an understatement.  I am so glad all turned out well.  Please be careful, we care.

Your poignant feelings regarding Mr. Keeper are totally understandable; my heart goes out to you.   Lovely for him to bring you one of your favorite dinners and stay to let you sleep; and how lovely of you to help his edema.  These are indeed poignant days.

We all look for your Posts to keep up to date with you; you are thought of often by your friends here, take good care and know that we are but a keyboard away.

J.
 
 


alz+
Posted: Friday, March 15, 2019 5:47 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


checking in.

My being moved has been delayed until May. I think it is about 60 days more but not sure.

 still recovering from flu and stuff and now fingers on left hand are swollen and painful - maybe arthritis getting worse? never catch a break.

 gave up on packing up anything for now. Just isn't going to happen. My feral cat has not been by in 5 days. Losing interest in stuff, they asked for my "paint chip" I carried for 2 years. Could not find it so chose a similar-ish different one to send to builder.

so ready to give up all responsibility!

My daughter now coming in May, then we do what we can here and rent a car to drive me and dog out west.

I did get bed sores, treated them myself. Really tired. If I HAD been able to keep a journal of this winter it would have been brutal.

Keeper comes on Thursdays now with food and spend night so I can sleep once a week all night. We had wonderful conversation this morning about all kinds of stuff and he is getting his health back.

My son is choosing all the stuff for the house out west, he talked about "resale value" and I wrote both kids I could be "circling the drain" for 3 more years and I'm paying for this so I am going to tell you the things that will help me and what won't - and if you listen I will be better behaved and easier to live around. I made a list of stuff and think it made a difference. I want to feel like this is my new home not a borrowed bedroom.

Seems they understand, sent me photos of flooring and stuff for me to approve.

wishing all of you a nice spring and summer. thank you for all the support and kindness.

love you all!



Iris L.
Posted: Friday, March 15, 2019 6:09 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16187


It can be a revelation to us as to how little "stuff" we really need in our daily lives.  I'm sure that I use less than 20% of what I have in my home. There can be  such a feeling of freedom not to be weighed down with excess belongings.  

How is the weather today?  We are having springlike weather here.  I hope you will soon be able to get outside and enjoy the fresh air, Alz+.  

Iris


Jo C.
Posted: Sunday, March 17, 2019 2:17 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10202


Hey alz+, good to get caught up with you.   So the move will be in May; that is smart of your daughter as roads and weather will be so much better making that trip far smoother and more comfortable. 

How nice of the kids to be asking your opinion on flooring, paint and other items rather than just doing it and showing you later.  Sounds like they are thoughtful and I hope you like the choices.  How big did you mention the California house is?

It is lovely of Mr. Keeper to come in once a week to give you a break and also bringing some good food with him.  This must also be a good time of sharing for the two of you and I am glad that the friendship has become the new way of being; that is a gift.

Also good to hear that you are getting better from the viruses; that was a long haul and I am sure terribly uncomfortable and unsettling.  Glad that it is just about over now.  It really was a lousy winter this year.  

 Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing; we think of you often.

 J.


 


alz+
Posted: Monday, March 18, 2019 8:23 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


figured out wetting my pants is part of muscle strength loss over my whole body but the estrogen cream did help for a year or so.

suspect the hand swelling is arthritis or a joint issue post shingles

can not bring myself to go to a grocery store anymore

the house where I am moving is about 600 sq st. my room is 12 x 12. 

I have aged 10 years in 6 months. post flu stuff continues.

love you all very much.


Iris L.
Posted: Monday, March 18, 2019 1:26 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16187


Hello Alz+.  I hope the weather will be warmer for you this week.  Will Keeper still bring groceries every week? Your job now is to take care of yourself.  Other people will have to do the external care.

Iris