RSS Feed Print
Assisted and memory Care Living lockdown
Covid 19 Visits
Posted: Sunday, May 10, 2020 4:53 PM
Joined: 5/10/2020
Posts: 7

How can these facilities be forced to allow family inside? Not , how do I cope. I am done coping. I have not seen my mother for 7 weeks. That is the longest time in my life I have gone without seeing her. She will die alone, lonely as many others will simply because of some unknown rule granted to some unknown entity. Seriously, how do we force these places to allow family, spouse, children. The entire purpose of the facilities is to make the lives better for all, not worse. Do not tell me to be a sheep and follow the flock. If we allow this to continue these places will be locked down for months and months. All in the name of protecting someone. I am 10 times more isolated and protective than the caregivers. They come and go daily, see family or whatever they do on off time. I see no one, I always have used masked, taken care of myself. Why can I not see my mother. She needs my touch, my face, my presence in her room. Care facilities offer none of that. Why is it a prison which is secured , prisoners must be let out to stop the spread and yet, seniors must be locked up. Makes no sense. The complete opposite thoughts and approach goes into this type of decision. Assisted living is locked down due to potential lawsuits and goes against every single line they sold us about care. HOW CAN I GET IN TO SEE MY MOM
Covid 19 Visits
Posted: Sunday, May 10, 2020 5:31 PM
Joined: 5/10/2020
Posts: 7

Does everyone just fall in line and say it is okay to lock people out. Why allow those in need to die alone,
Posted: Sunday, May 10, 2020 6:53 PM
Joined: 6/20/2016
Posts: 2403

If you want to see her then take her out.  But you'll have to keep her because the facility will not take her back if she's been in the community.

You will not be allowed to go in to the facility.  It is possible you might be allowed in to say goodbye if she's dying, but not all facilities will allow that.

So it's a choice.  If you want her to be in a facility, you must keep her there.  If you want to see her, take her out.

Your "need" is not more important than the need of the facility to observe the isolation precautions.
Posted: Sunday, May 10, 2020 6:53 PM
Joined: 6/20/2016
Posts: 2403

Covid 19 Visits wrote:
Does everyone just fall in line and say it is okay to lock people out. Why allow those in need to die alone,

Is she actively dying?  If so, you can make arrangements tomorrow to bring her home so she can die with you.  Or perhaps she can be sent to the hospital and then you can see her.  She will not be able to come back to the facility, though.  The facility might allow you in if she is in the dying process, but it depends on your state and the facility.

Posted: Monday, May 11, 2020 7:16 AM
Joined: 6/24/2012
Posts: 576

If you were able to convince them to give you full PPE you might be allowed in for a visit but not likely even with that unless she is actively dying.  You would be risking not only your safety but the safety of everyone living with her.  Maybe you should just bring her home with you so that you don't suffer this anymore.  But you won't be able to bring her back there.  Every freedom comes with responsibility.  You will have to weigh this carefully.  Can you do face time or zoom visits?  These are not normal times.  And these times are not forever.  We will get through this.  I have the same nightmares of mom dying before I ever get to see her again as she is on Hospice care.  But I can't control this. The virus is in control right now. 

 And those caregivers you say are free to go home each day ... are going home knowing that they may be bringing the virus home to their families everyday and having to decontaminate each day so not to infect their loved ones.   And if they get infected... they have to isolate at home and not get paid... and then there is less help at your mom's nursing home.  None of this is easy.  None of us has been here before.  Hope we never have to walk this road again in our lifetime.  Your mom would not want you to risk your life or hers by the visit. You will be in my prayers.  


Posted: Monday, May 11, 2020 7:21 AM
Joined: 12/24/2016
Posts: 225

I understand what you are saying, Covid 19 Visits. I am so saddened about how we are prohibited to visit our loved ones when they may have so little time left. I know that we are protecting them by not taking a chance on exposing anyone to the virus, but to what end? I am not saying that things should be opened up...I understand the rationale for no visits.

But, I wish that they could figure out a way to let us visit (in person) while ensuring the safety of everyone.

Such a sad time, for sure.

Posted: Monday, May 11, 2020 7:27 AM
Joined: 3/6/2017
Posts: 2315

I am so sorry you, and so many others, are living this nightmare.

Where I am, facilities are only allowing a single visit, by 1-2 individuals, for those who are actively dying to be made wearing full PPE. Hospitals are not allowing visitors outside of pediatrics and maternity. 

She may need your touch and face, but you will both be gloved and you'd likely be masked, gowned and wearing a face shield which could be confusing. 

If she is not actively dying, could staff arrange a window-visit or facetime?
Posted: Monday, May 11, 2020 7:47 AM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 519

Covid 19 Visits wrote:
 All in the name of protecting someone. [The "someones "are the residents of the homes]
... seniors must be locked up. Makes no sense. The complete opposite thoughts and approach goes into this type of decision.
[Covid 19 patients are mainly in the senior age groups]
 Assisted living is locked down due to potential lawsuits and goes against every single line they sold us about care. HOW CAN I GET IN TO SEE MY MOM
[As others have said , either accept having the home do a gatekeeper function or take her home.These are sad times for everyone.]

MN Chickadee
Posted: Monday, May 11, 2020 11:44 AM
Joined: 9/7/2014
Posts: 1087

They have to do this to protect the residents. If they allow you in, how can they say no to the next person's family? Many of us are being careful but many of us could be walking around with the virus and no symptoms, spreading it unknowingly. Each week that passes we find out more about covid and how, when, and where it spreads. The place simply can't have  all kinds of people coming and going. We know for a fact that any place a bunch of people live together such as care facilities, prisons, group homes etc are getting hit VERY hard by this virus so they can't take chances. Memory Care units are always locked, though I don't equate this with a "prison." It's what it takes to keep them safe 24/7. Currently many places have exceptions for visitors of people actively dying. Or one could bring their loved one home if they are truly close to death or if you find the place's policies unacceptable. Hospice services can help in the home as well. My LO's facility has been closed to visitors for nearly 8 weeks. It isn't easy on me, on her, or on the staff. It's certainly not what the facility wants, as it makes more work for them, but it is necessary to keep death from chasing through there like wild fire. It won't last forever. It's unprecedented and difficult for everyone. Have you tried window visits? You can crack the window so she can hear you so she at least sees you in person. My LO doesn't get much out of video calls. She never did it pre-dementia and doesn't seem to register what is happening.  I am hoping masked, outdoor and distanced visits might become an option in the summer but we will see how things progress. I chose the facility, I trusted her care to them when I moved her in, and I have to trust them now to make decisions during the virus. Decisions have to be in the best interest of the whole building, not just me and my LO.
Posted: Monday, May 11, 2020 1:21 PM
Joined: 5/16/2017
Posts: 661

If you can get an antibody test + it shows you have anitbodies(meaning you have had covid + are not infectious) You MIGHT have a case to convince them that it is safe for you and them to visit her.

Short of that, you can try have her removed to your home.

Unless you can prove you cannot pass along the disease, you dont have a leg to stand on to convince them.  It is unfortunate, but depending on your mother’s condition, this may be more of an issue for you than for her.  If she is content or unaware of her circumstances, you are proposing to endanger her + everyone else she comes into contact with, which is not acceptable.

Jo C.
Posted: Monday, May 11, 2020 3:15 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 11143

Hello and a very warm welcome to you.  I am sorry for what is happening; we understand.  You are not alone in this, many of the Members here are experiencing the very same thing.  The Nursing Homes (NHs) also do not want this, they far prefer to have family members able to visit, but that cannot be at this point in time.

It is purely a life or death issue and a potentially avoidable situation of deep suffering not to exercise this restricted visitors policy.

It is all about protecting the patients who are at high risk and extremely vulnerable to this virus; not only your own family member, but everyone elses family member too as well as the staff's.

Antibody tests do not suffice for ability to access care facilities. The error rate is quite high for those tests and no one in science knows yet if one can contract COVID19 more than once.

In the vast majority of NHs I am aware of, the only visitors that get inside for a visit are those whose Loved Ones (LOs) are actively in the process of dying.  Only then is a family member permitted to visit but they must wear protective equipment including a mask. 

The death toll in NHs has been extremely high; these deaths account for over 1/3 of all COVID19 deaths . . . . that is an astounding number.   Only 33 states report COVID19 NH deaths. The stunning numbers are projected as:  153,000 infected at 7700 care facilities, with approximately 28,100 deaths!  Stunning numbers.  All it takes is ONE person to begin the domino effect within a facility.  And, that one person may not be symptomatic and not know they are shedding the virus as explained in the following paragraph..

The staff is also at high risk caring for these patients.  Many staff have become exposed and ill secondary to exposure from a patient and some of these caregiving staff have tragically died.  They too must go home at night and worry about exposing their own family members.  NOTE:  When a person has contracted COVID19, they can shed the virus to others for two to three days before the first symptoms appear and some people have the COVID19 virus full on BUT never have any symptoms at all for the entire course of their disease which can be anywhere from two to six weeks - yet, they are able to spread the virus to others.

Some of the ways we can deal with this as other Members have mentioned:

Some families have made the dccision to take their LO home and care for them there.  Some do caregiving by themselves, some with help from other family members, and some hire an aide to assist but then they have someone coming and going from their house who may possibly have been exposed to the virus.

Another idea would be that you can make an appointment with the staff to have your LO  brought to a window where you can see one another and also in many instances have a way that you can hear one another through the window.  Some have LOs in a bed near a window and see one another in that situation.  Many facilities are using facetime on a computer for visits though for some LOs that is not as easy.

We also can make appointments for times when each day we can speak to the supervising nurse on our LOs unit/floor and discuss their condition and how they are doing and discuss meds and anything else we feel important.

You can send in flowers or other gifts from you to your LO; if your LO would know the gifts are from you that would be lovely; but if your LO would not process that fact, they would still have the pleasure and YOU would know of the gifting and that it is part of your presence in your LOs life.  I have done that.  If sending in food, I would check with the supervisor first as many facilities are presently not allowing homecooked or homebaked foods though some still may if only for the LO.

It is a situation of heartache as well as frustration; we get it and we are thankfully all here in support of one another, and that includes you too.   Many of the Members both on this Forum and also on the Spousal/Partner Forum are in similar situations without direct access to their LO in a care facility.  We want safety for our LOs and everyone elses LO too. We also want the safety of the healthcare staff who are responsible for our LOs care; if we do not have them if they begin to fall ill, then it would be an even greater disaster for quality of care.

No one knows when this will pass and when social visits will be able to openly resume. I am expecting that when that time comes, we will initially probably still have to wear masks and do the six foot distancing for awhile; I get that.

Please do come and talk; we truly do care. The Alzheimer's Assn. also has a 24 Hour Helpline that can be reached at (800) 272-3900.  If you call, ask to be transferred to a Care Consultant.  There are no fees for this service.  Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia and family dynamics.  They are good listeners and great support; they have much good information and can often assist us with our problem solving.

Let us know how you are doing, we will be thinking of you.


Covid 19 Visits
Posted: Friday, May 29, 2020 1:57 AM
Joined: 5/10/2020
Posts: 7

So, you would rather your love one died suffering from loneliness, touch, love.
Covid 19 Visits
Posted: Friday, May 29, 2020 2:01 AM
Joined: 5/10/2020
Posts: 7

why do you say that so casually like you have no choice. We do, We pay these facilities a lot of money. We pay for the kind of access and treatment. Who has said no one can go inside. In every sate it is different. I know for a certain workers have not even been tested. How can they be any "essential" than a loved ones touch.
Covid 19 Visits
Posted: Friday, May 29, 2020 2:04 AM
Joined: 5/10/2020
Posts: 7

why can I not g through the same routine. Temperature check, etc. On weekends these places bring in a company to run the care. Not all, but most. These workers are travelers, going to all kinds of different places and then their own life. Somehow that is safer than us. No way, not possible.
Covid 19 Visits
Posted: Friday, May 29, 2020 2:11 AM
Joined: 5/10/2020
Posts: 7

there are 5 states that have ordered seniors living in these facilities who re diagnosed at a hospital, they are to be sent back and isolated. How the heck is that safer than me or you. It is not. Period, prove they are safer, I will take nay covid test they take. I have been in near isolation since early march. The nurse in the window is no safer than we are. Prove me otherwise,
Covid 19 Visits
Posted: Friday, May 29, 2020 2:26 AM
Joined: 5/10/2020
Posts: 7

I appreciate your input. I do disagree. It is law in some states to send the elderly back from hopsital with covid-19. How in the world can that be a good thing? Yes, they are isolated in their room for 14 days. Regardless, what you proclaim to be safety is about 20% or more of all deaths due to covid Nation wide come from these so called these homes our loved ones are in. Statistically speaking I am safer in my life than they are locked away from me.
Posted: Friday, May 29, 2020 2:39 PM
Joined: 12/1/2019
Posts: 121

You have the option to take her home and then you will have all the access you want.  There are services to help you at home.  You are paying the facility to take care of her and keep her safe and one way of doing that is to keep you and me and everyone else on this forum out.  They generally make it possible for those with loved ones who are actively dying to visit.  With the utmost respect and empathy (I haven't seen my DH in 11 weeks), I don't want you or anyone else visiting in his facility.  I don't believe your need to physically see your LO trumps the safety of my DH or the angels who take care of him now that I no longer can.  I'm sorry you are so unhappy with the rules that keep my husband safe.  Maybe placement isn't the right thing for your situation.