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Your heaven is at the base of your parents' feet.
ruthmendez
Posted: Friday, August 30, 2019 10:36 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2109


Today, after I returned home from dropping off the caregiver, I found my sister conversing with Raymond, dad’s bath aide. 

I think my dad was Raymond’s last client today.  Raymond was sick all week, and he knows I don’t mind if he can’t make it sometimes or if he’s late one week.  No big deal.  Because I give dad his “Sunday Super Wash with the Works” special.  The whole ….shebang.  He kinda looks shinier after his Sunday Super Wash.

Anyway, during the conversation between him and my sister (of course I got busy with dad while they chit chatted) Raymond asked, “Do you girls believe in the hereafter?”

Of course I said “yeah.”

He said, “Where I’m from, we believe your heaven is at the base of your parents’ feet.  Now, what does that mean to you?”

My sister was “clueless” kmm kmm.

I said, “I think I know what that means.  It means that you hold your parents and take care of them.  We follow them, maybe, into heaven?” 

Earlier this week the caregiver mentioned there’s a place for me in heaven, and other folks say that too.

But, I don’t rely on my work for my father or parents to enter heaven. The truth is….I’m not a good person many times.  I can be a real @ss sometimes.  You should see my driving style, and when folks are in my way at Walmart….Like, one time this young girl was walking so slow in front of me and in my way while she played with her cell phone, I tried to get around her (I walk really fast) and each time shorty me tried to get around she’d step to the side blocking me again.

When she finally realized I was trying to get around, she said “OH..I’m sorry”….

I didn’t  respond out loud, but in my mind I said, “yeah right you slow f**k” 

I doubt that would get me into heaven.

Anyway, I looked up the saying in the internet and found this:

Qur’an (46:15)

"We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents; in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth" (46:15)

Hadith :

1. Your Heaven lies under the feet of your mother (Ahmad, Nasai).67

2. A man came to the Prophet and said, ‘O Messenger of God! Who among the people is the most worthy of my good companionship? The Prophet said: Your mother. The man said, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man further asked, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man asked again, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Then your father. (Bukhari, Muslim).

According to Arab culture, the bottom of feet is considered dirty since it is the lowest part of human body along with shoes which are always dirty when you walk outside.

So according to Islam, even the dirtiest part of the body of your mother, opens you a door to heaven. That is the importance of mother in Islam.

Literally it means you need to take care of your mother until her last breath and there is no excuse for disrespecting and hurting her.

We learn something every day, don’t we?

And, I didn’t do that swell of a job with my mother, and disrespected her….so maybe,  fat chance into heaven.

 

 

 


ruthmendez
Posted: Friday, August 30, 2019 10:47 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2109


By the way, I was able to go see ZZ Top this past Wednesday.  They're on their 50th anniversary tour.  Great concert.  Those old long bearded dudes can rock.  If they're heading to your city, get yo self some tickets!  They came out twice in the end, and the lights had to be turned on to make us go home :o(

I'll leave you with this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pn2-b_opVTo

 


Rescue mom
Posted: Sunday, September 1, 2019 12:32 PM
Joined: 10/12/2018
Posts: 982


Lol Ruth, ZZTop was DH fav band, before Alzheimer’s. We saw them several times and as you say, they bring down the House!! Hadn’t heard about them touring for a while, but I have not looked, either...

My relationship with my parents was not that great, to say the least, although I did what was needed. Guess I’ll deal with all that ....sometime. I used to hear a lot of younger co-workers say their mom is their BF, and how they loved doing things with their parents. It was never like that when I was growing up, even with those who had better relationships than I did. Your parents were....parents, not like somebody you partied or hung out with.


w/e
Posted: Monday, September 2, 2019 1:30 PM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 1710


Not Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Hindu. More Zen in my neck of the woods... I did find inspiration in your story... I have found inspiring many of the great thinkers, prophets and philosophers of this world. They have helped me navigate through the labyrinth of my Life's maze.

To honour and respect our parents and grandparents (parents by blood or adoption) is part of human culture and of many traditions. It is one of the many characteristics that makes us human and not uncaring beasts. It is an integral part of what is to be a human being being truly human.. At some point, we are weaned from our parents and we become householders. While in the process of weaning, we give them lots of headaches. We surely can be a pain in the butt... Ha! Been there. Done that...  Ahhh! in their old-age, they become a treasure to hold and behold. Engraved in our memory after they died. For we have been nurtured and weaned and, hopefully, we have learned from them. For that, we are eternally grateful... They gave us Life!

As to heaven. Or hell... I do not believe in life after death. Heaven or hell is a dwelling place,  inside my mind. Here-and-now.


ruthmendez
Posted: Monday, September 2, 2019 3:22 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2109


I'm ok with whatever people want to believe.  I, myself, am not sure which suits me best.  I haven't gone to church since dad got worse in his disease.  That's when he became non-ambulatory.  Instead of Sunday church, we went to the beach.  
Now, we're just stuck at home.  Sometimes I get the urge to make an attempt and escape with him to the beach again, but the caregiver and my sister tell me I better not do that.  The caregiver said, "...what if with your stubborn attitude you end up hurting your back!"

I looked into the portable take-along lift, but it's so expensive and the video for it doesn't show how the patient is actually transferred from bed to the lift. 

Oh well.  Let's believe what we believe and be good folks most of the time (as long as we stay away from Walmart).


ruthmendez
Posted: Monday, September 2, 2019 3:27 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2109


ruthmendez wrote:
I'm ok with whatever people want to believe.  ..
As long as folks don't begin to fight over it

chrisp1653
Posted: Tuesday, September 3, 2019 12:06 AM
Joined: 1/23/2017
Posts: 1219


But Ruthie, Walmart is my fave store ... NOT ! Costco, on the other hand, is my real fave. If I truly get some respite care now that Barbara is on hospice, I just might go to Costco for a few hours and walk up and down each isle - slowly - and maybe even get me a hot dog. Ahhhh... the joys of almost normalcy.
ruthmendez
Posted: Tuesday, September 3, 2019 2:16 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2109


chrisp1653 wrote:
... for a few hours and walk up and down each isle - slowly ...

Don't worry Chris!  I won't be behind you trying to get around.  I wouldn't call you names either.  I was just....a little envious of the young girl playing with her cell phone with no worries of the world...

Chris!  I'm happy that you can get some respite now.  I'm sure they can find some volunteers. I haven't used any for the weekends....I'm not sure if they have any right now for the weekends anyway, but I haven't asked.

Anyway, I usually ask my sister to cover if I want to go somewhere, but it's rare.



Space within
Posted: Tuesday, September 10, 2019 9:49 PM
Joined: 10/7/2018
Posts: 38


Ruth thank you for sharing your story. !  Love it .
Dreamer Lost
Posted: Sunday, September 15, 2019 4:02 PM
Joined: 3/7/2019
Posts: 263


Oh Ruth, what a deep musing.  Being of the Christian faith and having one son (and two beautiful daughters) I would often think of two stories in the Bible.  One was when Jesus turned water into wine at the wedding at the behest of his dear mother, Mary.  I would tell my son, see how Jesus did what his mother asked (LOL).  She even told the servants to do whatever Jesus said and then left them to it.  The other is when Jesus was on the cross and he told his disciple.... behold, thy mother, meaning Mary and said to Mary, Woman, behold your son, meaning his disciple (something like that, I'm paraphrasing).  I think he was trying to be sure his mother, Mary was taken care of here on earth after he was gone physically.  I have to remember back in those days, women were so vulnerable and helpless without a male spouse or son to take care of them. They couldn't work or make a living so would be helpless without a male. So, I can see where mother's should be respected and cared for but as for getting into heaven, that is a whole other topic of discussion. (Not sure I would get in if that were the case).  Don't sell yourself short, you seem like a very loving daughter who will be rewarded for all you have done for your parents.  Jesus washed the feet of his disciples and we caregivers have learned to wash not only our LO's feet but their bodies and butts.  So I'm sure there's a big blessing waiting for you. 

The quotes you gave from the Qur'an are also interesting to learn about as all we ever hear about from the media is their evil teachings which I try to listen to with a grain of salt.  I have several Muslim and Hindu neighbors and all are great, friendly neighbors who I wouldn't hesitate to call if I had a problem with DH.  But I still can't remember which ones don't eat meat, the other won't eat pork, and which ones are total vegans. But they all enjoy vegetables from my garden. 

Not really a ZZ Top fan, more of an Eagles groupie.  Glad you got out and enjoyed it though. 


gubblebumm
Posted: Tuesday, October 1, 2019 1:05 PM
Joined: 7/12/2017
Posts: 1310


I personally hate being told, oh you will be blessed for taking care of your mom till she dies, that you have given 5 years so far and another ten or more to go of your so called retirement years taking care of a person who barely knows you.  That while she had the chance of enjoying her 50s, 60s 70s carefree, not taking care of anyone, I am "at her feet" follwoing her to heaven or whatever, does not make me feel better, and I know its not what my mom had wanted for me, she did everything to avoid that, but darn this brain eating disease...so nope this is not heaven, and next person who tells me I am blessed to have this honor I will tell to feck off
MissHer
Posted: Tuesday, October 1, 2019 2:01 PM
Joined: 11/13/2014
Posts: 2131


I believe the blessing will come after your mom is gone. My stepfather and then my mom both  had dementia. My mom, mostly, took care of him for years and of course I was called many many many times, day or night. (I had a job and just divorced) By 2011 I was extremely burned out, after all, I did have major depression from a divorce.  My brother, who lived the closest to them ,did nothing all of thses many years. (They did start trouble!)Stepfather died in Feb 2014 and I thought, ok, mom will get a break and maybe have some fun. (Me,too!!) I thought my mom had stress and that's why she was so forgetful. Nope. It started all over again only it was just me taking care of mom and being totally responsible for everything for her care.

The blessing that I have is that I did not turn my back on my parents when they needed me most. They never ever turned their back on me,either. I miss them very much and cry almost everyday. hugs..It's a very tough job. Your mom is blessed to have you!


ruthmendez
Posted: Tuesday, October 1, 2019 2:34 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2109


I've been thinking lately how will I handle it when dad goes?  Before I thought, "just fine!"

But lately, I've been wondering if that's so true.  I mean, I was PERFECTLY fine with my mom passing, didn't miss her one bit (let me take that back-I miss her temper and some of the words that would come out of her mouth was kinda funny when she was mad).  I had freedom for about 3 yrs... one of those years (last one) I was feeling something odd- like something was stopping my progress with my so-called freedom.  Then one day, right on Mother's Day while I was riding my bike at the beach and someone accidentally knocked me off my bike, I got hurt-bloody, mad, yelled at the skater and a few other observers asking me if I was okay...."what do you think?! rrr". That day, I realized my father was my new problem.  I think that knock off my bike made me admit to myself something was bugging me.  Wake up.

 And I thought it would probably be worse, because my sisters were never close to him.  My oldest sister is not from him.  My other sister, who tries to be helpful, never had a close relationship to him.  So, I realized, this time, no one will be there.  If they weren't there much for mom, what can I expect with dad? 

Ugh.

Well, as I've mentioned before, how will his passing affect me? I'm older now. What do I have to look forward to?  After how many more years? Is the question.

 My sister felt a piece of her leave when our mom passed (I didn't). She had depression for a long while.  And I once or twice told her, "oh brother.....you weren't there much anyway, why do you miss her now?..."

I think it's my turn, when dad dies, that a piece of me will leave.  I think I'll be okay.  But not completely satisfied with how I cared for him.  I think remembering the way I treated him before he got worse with his dementia will torment me.  I guess I'll just move on and try to... just move on.  With what exactly?  I guess I'll find out.



ruthmendez
Posted: Tuesday, October 1, 2019 2:59 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2109


The good thing is that in that bicycle, knock-off, accident I was somewhat cushioned within a crowd of people (I think). Don’t quite remember why I didn’t slam my head (no head cap). Just scraped up nice n’ raw.  Embarrassing.
MissHer
Posted: Tuesday, October 1, 2019 3:27 PM
Joined: 11/13/2014
Posts: 2131


Oh Ruth no one is perfect. If we were, Jesus would not have had to come and die for our sins. 

I know, tell your dad that you are sorry.  I apologized to my mom before she left. You still have time. I said, "Mom, I'm so sorry for every bratty thing that I ever did." I am and I meant it. I didn't get specific because the list is way too long. lol


ruthmendez
Posted: Tuesday, October 1, 2019 3:44 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2109


Thank you Deb. That’s a good suggestion. I will do that. I hope it gets through. I’m not sure where I fit in in his mind right now. Who am I to him? The caregiver says she thinks he can still feel some connection. It’s like his mind is so unwired. But sometimes, he does say, “airplane” or “cat” when we’re outside and he sees something that gets his attention. I get surprised. 

But, I’m somewhere in that loose puzzle. It’s just so new to me. All of this. It’s like I do better looking at or approaching this with a scientific perspective. What is going on in that brain? Slow activity. Missed connections or messages. But it can feel cold using that perspective.

He’s still a person. With feelings.


w/e
Posted: Tuesday, October 1, 2019 8:09 PM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 1710


We are perfectly imperfect humans...

(1) Ahhh! Because we have the courage to be, we are always learning, adjusting, adapting. We have the capability of being resilient. Each one of us, in our own imperfect way(s) and in our very own unique way(s), learns to bend with the winds of change of existential reality and we try to survive our daily existence in the here-and-now until we are no-more. Until we are a dead parrot.

(2) I am 70 y/o. I was a perfectly imperfect daughter. My father has been dead for 50+yrs and my mother for 30 yrs. Every time I think of them and every time I contemplate their photo on the hallway wall, I still say to mami and papi, "I love you" and "I am sorry".. And I move on ... I keep on doing my do. I continue on looking and finding my way around the labyrinth of my Life.

(3) I've been a widow for 5 1/2 yrs. I was a perfectly imperfect spouse.  I was a perfectly imperfect giver of care. I still speak to my immortal beloved. I still miss him terribly. I still swear at him, I throw him kisses, I dance for him and I make love with him with my infinite imagination. I say to him, loud-and-clear, "I love you and I am sorry." In my heart I hear the echo of his whisper, "I adore you too. Now, go on with Life and learn to forgive your human  imperfections." 

We are no angels. Believe me, at one point or another, we all have said nasty words to our loved ones and to others. And some of us, have even dared to say to the gods, "F*** you all."... Ha! May they forgive me.

...

Ruth, your father's surface of the brain may not know who you are, but the being of his being, residing way deep under the cortex of the brain, does "know" who you are and will continue to "know" who you are. Until his last breath on earth... And love goes on. For Love is immortal. In my opinion.


ruthmendez
Posted: Tuesday, October 1, 2019 11:21 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2109


w/e wrote:

...

 I was a perfectly imperfect giver of care. I still speak to my immortal beloved. I still miss him terribly. I still swear at him, I throw him kisses, I dance for him and I make love with him with my infinite imagination. I say to him, loud-and-clear, "I love you and I am sorry." In my heart I hear the echo of his whisper, "I adore you too. Now, go on with Life and learn to forgive your human  imperfections." 

We are no angels. Believe me, at one point or another, we all have said nasty words to our loved ones and to others. And some of us, have even dared to say to the gods, "F*** you all."... Ha! May they forgive me.

... oh.  HAHA!  This is funny w/e.  So human, we are.  You know what? I like imperfections! Makes us interesting!  :o)