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Married? If you had to do it all over again....
Ed1937
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 6:53 AM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 1511


Would you marry your spouse? Right now, the only thing that would make me say "no" is the fact that we had a son who committed suicide almost 21 years ago. Not sure I could handle that again. Dementia would not enter into the picture because my wife is 79, and I am 81. She has been good for me. Not likely a lot of years left for either of us.
Last Dance
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 7:56 AM
Joined: 5/2/2013
Posts: 269


 I would marry Linda all over again in a heartbeat! She was the best thing that ever happen to me. We ran a business together for 43 years, raised 2 kids and enjoyed 4 grandkids. She took care of all of us, even if I would have knew that Alzheimer was going to be in our future it wouldn’t bother me. I would gladly take care of her again only this time I would be a much better care giver. I thank god every day for the 53 years of our life together and the love that we shared. 

 


LadyTexan
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 8:17 AM
Joined: 12/21/2018
Posts: 200


Absolutely, I would marry Jesse all over again.
Army_Vet60
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 8:28 AM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 393


Knowing that she developed ALZ the first time around?

Yes.

Having that knowledge beforehand, I'd consider that a gift to better help me try to prevent the injuries that triggered the original onset.

And if it was just her destiny to develop it anyway, I still wouldn't want her to be with anyone else than with me.

 


yogi60
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 8:31 AM
Joined: 2/22/2017
Posts: 78


Yes. We had a wonderful life, raised 3 great kids, have amazing grandkids. I know who DH is/was as a man, husband, father and he was the best man to spend my life with. He always let me be me and he loved me heart and soul.
eaglemom
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 8:41 AM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 2356


A very interesting topic. I will say without a doubt I'd marry my DH again. Maybe we'd be more prepared for this or maybe not? It wouldn't matter. We'd be together and content.

eagle


Crushed
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 8:47 AM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 4673


In a New York Minute

We got married the day after I graduated from law school.  She was a medical student.  From then to placement was 42 years of joy and wonder and work and kids and grandchildren.  We were both compulsive savers and lived cheap.  We bought our first new  car when I was 37 and we needed a van for the kids.   Our kids say we were two weird puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly.

 I  recall browbeating airlines to get standby seats to get home.I changed a lot of diapers and went on a lot of school field trips and I was the homemaker  for the family.  She changed the world and often made more money.  I was the romantic but she was a "fun girl" 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sipvQ5WFlsY

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

“Late Fragment” by Raymond Carver From A New Path to the Waterfall, Atlantic Monthly Press, 1989.

 


ElaineD
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 9:41 AM
Joined: 4/12/2019
Posts: 142


I'm the odd one out, I guess.  

So, no, I would have 'grown up' first, before marriage.  I would not have married a man who is my polar opposite.  And know I would have had a good life, because I'm an optimist!

Of course, we had a very successful life, because I created most of it through our network of friends, our adventures, everything.

However, both of our sons and 4 of our 5 grandchildren have told me they dislike him.  I was stunned because, foolishly, I thought I was the only one impacted by his negativity!

His negative personality affected his career, and he was always critical and unhappy with the 'idiots' he worked with.  But I stayed away from that aspect of his life, although it was always a dark cloud around him.

Of course I love him, warts and all. I just don't like him much, and he doesn't like me, either.

And if he progresses beyond MCD, which he probably will based on family history, I will be devastated for him, and will do everything in my power to 'make him happy'.  I always have, you see.

Regards, ElaineD

 


Ed1937
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 9:49 AM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 1511


The replies so far have been unexpected. This disease is so bad that it's OK to say "No way".
Army_Vet60
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 9:56 AM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 393


Ed,
 
I wouldn't expect to find many of those people on this forum to begin with.
 
Nobody held a gun to our heads the first time around to be a caregiver.
 
 Ed1937 wrote:
The replies so far have been unexpected. This disease is so bad that it's OK to say "No way".


mommafour
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 10:13 AM
Joined: 3/22/2017
Posts: 32


When DH and I got married, I was 37 and he was 53.  I had 4 children from my prior marriage and he had 6 (yes, 10 total!).  Some negative people in our lives warned us it wouldn't last.  At that time, I did consider that our 16-year age difference meant that I might be taking care of him in our future, or that I might spend many years alone at the end of our time together...but that can happen to any couple at any age.  The moment we met I was truly "swept off my feet" by this handsome, charismatic man and our age difference didn't matter.  There have been times he has taken care of me when I was ill, he made it possible for me to get through law school in my late 40's, he helped raise my children, and much more.  Now he is age 80 and in stage 4/5 of Alzheimer's, although very healthy physically, and I'm "only" age 64.  I look back on our 27 years of marriage and ask if I would do it again if I could have foreseen what we are going through now.  My answer is "yes, absolutely yes"!!!!  I am thankful for the life we built together and our large blended family.  I am thankful that he remains healthy and mostly content so far, even though that could change at any moment.  

The poem posted by Crushed say's it all for me.


lauri.massey
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 11:11 AM
Joined: 6/6/2017
Posts: 7


My DW and I have been together 25 years, and married 3 of those years due to the legalization of same-sex marriage.  Sadly, some days I ask myself if I would  get married again.  Typically, it is when I am feeling overwhelmed, and question if my constitution is strong enough to handle this long-term grief.  I have already done this once--29 years ago I watch my previous partner decline for many years, finally succumbing to brain cancer.  

I have this need to connect to others on an intimate and spiritual level. It is who I am, and without that, I feel disconnected from the world in which I live.  I am afraid I am not going to have that opportunity or experience again.  

However, I believe the greatness of loving my DW deeply, even though life is changing, keeps me sane.  I am frequently reminded that she and I have been on an incredible journey together--it is those times I answer: "I would definitely marry her again".


Doityourselfer
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 11:31 AM
Joined: 9/5/2017
Posts: 351


If I knew then what I know now, I have to say no.  I miss my freedom.
Mrs.Joan
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 12:07 PM
Joined: 4/5/2019
Posts: 83


I would marry him again in a New York minute.  He's been the best thing that happened to me and he is my 4th husband. Guess I had to test drive a couple before I got the one I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I would only ask that this disease would take him faster so we both would not have to suffer the road of I don't remember.


M. carolinus
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 12:25 PM
Joined: 11/14/2018
Posts: 29


I honestly don't know, or I don't like my true answer but

Let me turn the question around a bit.

If the roles were reversed and my wife was my caretaker.  I would want her to divorce me and live her life free from this disease.


elainechem
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 12:28 PM
Joined: 7/30/2013
Posts: 5873


I would absolutely marry him again. He is the love of my life. The Lord gave me this love for him and it has only grown stronger. I also know, without a shadow of doubt, that he would say the same about me.
Crushed
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 12:36 PM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 4673


lauri.massey wrote:

My DW and I have been together 25 years, and married 3 of those years due to the legalization of same-sex marriage. 


May I send you a very special welcome?  I have fought for marriage equality for decades.   My teacher/ decorator and her wife the electrician make my house run and look nice!!

 


Crushed
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 12:40 PM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 4673


M. carolinus wrote:

I honestly don't know, or I don't like my true answer but

Let me turn the question around a bit.

If the roles were reversed and my wife was my caretaker.  I would want her to divorce me and live her life free from this disease.


So when anyone  told DW she could "do better".  She said "Husbands are easy to find.  Cooks are hard" 


OrganizerBecky
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 2:05 PM
Joined: 10/31/2017
Posts: 20


We brought two amazing, wonderful children into this world together. We had grown apart, even before this disease showed up.  I guess because of family and social ties, financial situation, inertia, I stayed married. If I could talk to myself from 30 years ago, I would have a frank discussion. But our children made it all worth it.
Marie58
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 3:34 PM
Joined: 12/31/2018
Posts: 233


Yes, I would absolutely marry him again in a heartbeat! We met 40 years ago this summer and have pretty much been 'joined at the hip' since. (Guess that was good practice for this 24/7 caregiving!)
Lorita
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 3:35 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 10693


Without a second's hesitation!!
w/e
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 3:59 PM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 1710


For me, Love goes beyond the "earth-love". Love looks beyond the intellect.

Having said that, marriage is a choice. A choice to create community. A community of two.

For me, a loving community-marriage is an image of good partners with some delicious earth-love to enhance its flavour... Marriage is a vision of care, support, acceptance, respect. Of duties. Responsibilities. And rights.

When I was trekking up and down the dementia mountain and sometimes when I found myself lost in a dense forest, there were times when I had to get out of my heart a thorn or an uncomfortable and annoying splinter. Without a doubt, oftentimes, I had blisters which I had to take care of... But, no-two-ways about it, in the time of dementia, his pain was my pain. My pain was his pain. He and I. Entwined. A community of two. Struggling. In grief. In pain. 

After my immortal beloved died, the secret of the pains opened clearer to me.

A long-lived. Well-lived. Life. With a sprinkle of grief from the fates 

    



jfkoc
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 4:15 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17271


yep!

going to put on the Piaf song and listen to it for a while.....guess who bought the album


LadyTexan
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 4:45 PM
Joined: 12/21/2018
Posts: 200


Interestingly, for me, just responding to your question gave me a (much needed) boost. Almost like it sparked up the love in my heart, Maybe the question distracted me from my exhaustion. Maybe it refreshed the memory of better days. Maybe it reminded me of the fundamental truth that my life is better for having my DH in it. My life is not easier, but it is definitely better. I love my husband. I am grateful to be his wife.
Sandymac
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 6:05 PM
Joined: 10/31/2013
Posts: 1745


Absolutely......I married at 19, he was 32 and everyone thought I was mad.  I lost him 53 years later and there’s not one day when I wish it had been otherwise. Dementia included, loss of one son included.  Theses are the things that made me stronger
YS
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 6:27 PM
Joined: 12/10/2011
Posts: 428


No, I wouldn’t. Knowing I would spend 10 years of my life under virtual house arrest, after as many years in an unhappy relationship. No way in hell!
Kaswife
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 10:49 PM
Joined: 6/15/2016
Posts: 57


Yes indeed!  I love this guy.
Beachfan
Posted: Friday, August 2, 2019 11:15 PM
Joined: 2/1/2018
Posts: 338


Without a doubt. I was 17 and DH was 20 when we met during my freshman year in college.  I had a boyfriend “back home” so when we parted for Christmas break, DH gave me a month to fall in love with him.  I complied and never looked back.  51 years, 3 great kids and 9 grandkids later, life is good in spite of this bump in the road called Alzheimer’s.  

Marriage has no guarantees.  If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.    Erma Bombeck



Mrs. O
Posted: Saturday, August 3, 2019 1:26 AM
Joined: 8/1/2017
Posts: 296


Armyvet60 said it best:  

“And if it was just her destiny to develop it anyway, I still wouldn't want her to be with anyone else than with me.”

To those of you who answered “no” to the question...... I get it!  I picked the wrong day to read this question. Every day before today, I would have answered “yes,” there is no question that I would marry DH again. And tomorrow morning I will feel the same way... but right this minute I am angry about having spent another day being verbally abused and feeling like nothing but an unappreciated servant.  

The sun will come out tomorrow. 


markus8174
Posted: Saturday, August 3, 2019 1:53 AM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 535


I would have to answer yes. We are just getting to the truly difficult part of this illness-late stage 5 early stage 6. We've had a wonderful 35 years together, and I still feel she is part of me, I'm part of her. God gave me the gift of this wonderful woman, and I shouldn't compline that after 35 years my burden is so much more than I ever imagined. I whine to God every now-and-ten, but I don't get the impression He is much concerned about my petty problems. I would have saved more $$- Medicare sucks. I would have bought more life insurance- the bills I'm leaving the kids will astonish them. I can say we "carpe diem-ed"  as much as we could throughout our marriage- thus the reason I didn't saved more. I've got many wonderful memories of our life together, I just wish I had someone to share them with. I guess the question is: is it truly "better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all". So far- yes, but the worst is yet to come. I'll let ya know when we are dipping our toes into stage 7.
Crushed
Posted: Saturday, August 3, 2019 5:16 AM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 4673


Mrs. O wrote:

   

The sun will come out tomorrow. 


Ndotsheni is still in darkness, but the light will come there also. For it is the dawn that has come, as it has come for a thousand centuries, never failing. But when that dawn will come, of our emancipation, from the fear of the bondage and the bondage of fear, why, that is a secret.

Paton Cry the Beloved country


littleme
Posted: Saturday, August 3, 2019 7:42 AM
Joined: 5/4/2013
Posts: 1226


Yes, today is our 51st anniversary, and I am sitting here alone with a little  glass of mead , my favourite tipple, and a lonely heart. But when I see him tomorrow,  we will share a hug and hold hands. We still love each other very much,  it is just that he no longer understands what being married means.

But he did. For almost 50 years, he did. And he spoiled me for anyone else. 

Barbara


yogi60
Posted: Saturday, August 3, 2019 8:45 AM
Joined: 2/22/2017
Posts: 78


littleme wrote:

Yes, today is our 51st anniversary, and I am sitting here alone with a little  glass of mead , my favourite tipple, and a lonely heart. But when I see him tomorrow,  we will share a hug and hold hands. We still love each other very much,  it is just that he no longer understands what being married means.

But he did. For almost 50 years, he did. And he spoiled me for anyone else. 

Barbara

Tearing up here. I'm so sad that you are alone today, without him on your anniversary. I'm happy that you have had a great love that lasted 51 years.


madmary
Posted: Saturday, August 3, 2019 9:08 AM
Joined: 12/7/2016
Posts: 40


In a heart beat!!! Miss him and just want to be with him again.

 


Sweetwater
Posted: Saturday, August 3, 2019 11:45 AM
Joined: 10/6/2016
Posts: 183


My LO and I were never legally married and I received some criticism regarding that fact on this forum. He was much older than I and I acknowledged the fact that I might some day need to care for him. We were so compatible and enjoyed each other's company so much  that I decided to take a chance. The fact that I had been in an abusive relationship and then found someone who liked me for me certainly may have influenced my decision. I would do it again even if I knew about the impending dementia. 28 years of happiness is hard to erase. Sweetwater.