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Empty feeling
SadinHeart
Posted: Thursday, May 10, 2012 6:13 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


dayn2nite, I wanted to start this topic for you. Please talk to us about how you feel. I think we can help each other.

 

I felt very empty when dad died. It felt like a big piece of my life had been torn out of me. For days I had a numb feeling that did not let me react to anything. I wanted to cry. I wanted to ask God why why why. Then mom started getting worse and my attention shifted to her care. It was so hard to see that mom didnt even remember dad. I felt so bad for dad. I felt so bad for mom.

 

Then mom dies and it was another pain on top of the pain. Sometimes I wonder if I am just numb and cant feel. But the other day I woke up thinking about my parents and I just laid on my couch and cried. I didnt think, I just cried.

 

Do you feel sometimes that nobody else understands how you feel? I feel like that. People stopped asking. Now it's just me and my thoughts.


dayn2nite
Posted: Friday, May 11, 2012 4:41 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


Absolutely I feel that way.  I actually looked at my phone to see when my brother last called and it was 3 weeks ago, and only because the check from mom's trust account at the NH had been sent to him and he wanted the money.

 

I called the bereavement coordinator at the hospice yesterday.  She never called me back!  I will try again Monday and if I can't get anything but a voice mail, I'm calling back for a manager.  This isn't right.

 

I was driving home from the store today and suddenly I remember my mom after we put her in the NH--she was crying and telling me her address.  It was her way of telling me to take her home.  These are the memories that break my heart.  She needed to be there, but she was so scared at first.

 

I also remembered a time when I came to take her for a ride.  She was happy and she was still talking and walking at this time.  She said "I don't get out much" while we were driving and it took everything I had in me not to burst into tears. 

 

In the days before she died, when I was talking to her, I kept telling her how sorry I was that all this had happened to her and if I could've taken the disease myself so she could be spared I would have.  It's true, too. 

 

Horrible, horrible disease.  Sometimes when I cry I have no actual thoughts either.


SadinHeart
Posted: Sunday, May 13, 2012 6:42 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


dayn2nite.....I was telling my husband yesterday that if it wasnt for this forum I dont have anyone to talk to because people dont even ask me how I feel anymore. He was a little bit offended that I cannot come to him, but when he sees me crying he doesnt say anything, he doesnt ask me anything, he just looks at me and has a sorry look on his face. So I dont feel like initiating a conversation, he doesnt open a door for me to say yes this is what I'm feeling.

 

So my therapy is coming here and writting my thoughts down or just reading what they say in other forums. When I read what others are going through now with their LO that is when I realize how thankful I am that my parents didnt have to endure this horrible disease for so long. Dont you feel that way when you read the CG forum?


dayn2nite
Posted: Tuesday, May 15, 2012 7:30 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


This morning I was laying in bed and was trying to put a description together of how I feel physically.

 

My chest feels heavy.  Not like cardiac pain or pressure, I just feel heavy with grief.  And mildly anxious all the time.  I was never anxious before mom's last downward slide.  Now, I feel like something terrible might happen any minute.

 

I've tried to take a trip to the akashic records again, but I can't concentrate enough to do it. 

 

Weird item.  Three days in a row now, I take the dogs out and this one butterfly flies around me, it lands on a branch or the gate (wherever I am) and just sits there for a while.  I guess if a butterfly could stare at me, I would say it was staring at me.  LOL, this is insane.  Then it will go over to where the dogs are and sit on a branch by them for a while.  It's the same one because it has really distinctive markings on it.  Then it flies away after a while.


SadinHeart
Posted: Wednesday, May 16, 2012 5:54 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


That's very interesting what is happening with the butterfly.

 

If you feel pressure in your chest, you may want to have it checked out just in case. Let the Dr do an EKG and make sure things are okay. Don't wait to have pain.

 

While my parents were going through their illness I felt this weird feeling in my chest that I had to breathe in hard often. The Dr said it was stress.

 

Last night we were watching world news with Diane Sawyer and they had a story about the wife of Dr Randy Pausch, the guy that gave the last lecture when he was dying of cancer. All she said was about how hard it was to say goodbye and I started crying. I see people crying when they talk about their LO dying 14 yrs ago and it amazes me that after so many years the pain can still be so fresh.

 

That's why I believe this pain is going to be part of my life. Sometimes it may be stronger than others. So I will learn to deal with it.

 

 


cowboys
Posted: Wednesday, May 16, 2012 2:44 PM
Joined: 12/10/2011
Posts: 338


I got alot out of that book "The Last Lecture" what a positive guy he was.

I can't imagine a life where certain things I see or hear bring a memory of dad. We will all have this I'm sure. I like the butterfly story too. It reminds me of a friend many years ago who was dying of cancer and she told me that every time you see an orange butterfly that will be me. I did see alot of orange butterflies. Who knows?

When I was with my daughter this past weekend, I was lying in her bed with her dog and chillin while she was doing her hair and she said "I want to play this song for you but I am afraid it will make you think of Grandad and cry" I said "well I don't want to hear it then" she said "but its a really good song and I always think of him when I hear it" I said okay so she went to press play and the whole thing went OFF. She looked at me and gasped and I said "See Grandad didn't want me to hear that song" lol. I don't know if our minds are just playing tricks on us or if these things do happen.

I don't know if anyone on this site is a person of faith, I haven't been here long enough but I think SadinHeart is. I find reading Ecclesiates 3 helpful.

@dayN2nite: I admire that you can even go visit your mothers carehome. I want to go see my freinds I made there but I cannot walk in that door yet. It would just kill me.


SadinHeart
Posted: Wednesday, May 16, 2012 4:50 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


Ecclesiates 3: A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens: 

2a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace. 

 


SadinHeart
Posted: Wednesday, May 16, 2012 4:56 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


I agree with Ecclesiates 3. I also love the song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WB6jhbtDUZE 

 

That's why when people ask me how I am, what can I say. I am okay, what else can I do? It's not like I have a choice. I have to go on living and enjoy the rest of my days. I have other people in my life that bring happiness to my life, I cannot turn my back on them. I cannot say my life is sad because it is not, my life still has happy moments.

 

I cannot dwell on something I cannot change. I cannot live in the past because then I have no present and no future.

 

Not to lessen the situation, but when you lose a spouse, you can get married again, but when you lose a parent, you cannot get another parent. So there is nothing you can do to fill in the empty space.

 

So I live with the emptiness of not being able to see my parents or talk to my parents again, but I also live with the faith that they are in a much better place than we are and I live with the hope that some day I will see them again.

 

I am content that I did all I could for my parents and that I was there for them until the last day.

 

That is why I don't seek counseling because I dont need someone else to tell me what I already know and believe in.

 

 


Beth in Indiana
Posted: Thursday, May 17, 2012 8:07 AM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 95


I love the butterfly story.  Whatever brings us comfort is amazing.  I find myself staring at birds singing.  It's comforting to know life does indeed go on, butterflies and birds migrate and share their beauty.  It may be somewhat fleeting, but it's there none the less.  Even more precious because it is fleeting.  Even more reason to just stop and absorb it.

 

My journey has been enhanced by counseling (not hospice).  It helps me figure out, sort out, what I may already know but haven't really taken the time to think about. And it certainly has brought up issues I didn't know or realize.  It forces self-reflection and after years of caregiving, that's a good thing.  It's a positive, at least for me. 

 

Cheers to whatever brings you peace and healing!


Still Waters
Posted: Thursday, May 17, 2012 7:34 PM
Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092


 

SadinHeart and dayn2night, you both know how to write your feeling down so clearly and so easily for me to relate. It’s amazing. I enjoy reading all your posts. All the time.

 


dayn2nite
Posted: Thursday, May 17, 2012 8:46 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


Thank you SW, how are things going for you?

 

I wish everyone appreciated what I write, lol.

 

Tonight I actually had quite a nice evening.  I went to something I had been invited to and for 2 solid hours was engrossed in that.  It was nice.

 

Mom's ashes still haven't gotten here yet, perhaps they have been sent parcel post?  (yes, that was a joke)...

 

Editing--Good Lord, it just occurred to me--what on earth could they do if someone's ASHES are lost in the mail?  It's not like you can get new ones.  That would be crappy if that happened.


Still Waters
Posted: Thursday, May 17, 2012 9:03 PM
Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092


Day2night. I am curious, you mentioned having to find a place to live. Do you plan on moving? I ask because when my mom passes away I will have to sell my home and move. I wonder how I am going to be able to deal with such a major change while I am grieving.
dayn2nite
Posted: Thursday, May 17, 2012 9:52 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


I don't have to move right away.  I'm going to think about it over the summer and see if I feel like going through all the work to move.

 

I lived in Florida for 16 years before I came back home to take care of my mother.  I don't like living in Michigan AT ALL, I've just barely tolerated it.  So when I do move, I will move out of this state--I'm just not sure if I want to go back to Florida or to move somewhere where the economy is halfway decent.  I've had enough of living in an economically depressed area.

 

Depending on where you are, you may not even have to move right away--I know here in Michigan the market is still down and there will be another flood of foreclosed homes on the market shortly.  Heck, they're selling the house in back of me for $20,000 and I know the people paid $100,000 for it in 2005 (it's been vacant for 2 years due to foreclosure).


dayn2nite
Posted: Friday, May 18, 2012 2:30 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


I was outside talking to the hospice bereavement coordinator and that butterfly came around again.  I was sitting on the front steps and it sat on the bush next to me staring (lol) again.  It was there for about 2 minutes and then flew away.

 

I've also found I need to be in an optimal frame of mind to visit the akashic records.  I used my Anna Thompson self-hypnosis recording and no kidding, here's what happened.

 

I did the relaxation section...then I visualized a beach and was there for a little.  Then we go to this meadow and look at that.  Then in a forest where I pick up rocks that represent hurts/resentments I am harboring and then I throw them in the water.

 

The next section you go to a pool.  You do forgiveness, gratitude and say a prayer to open the records.  Then you see the tunnel.  Normally there is a crowd of people who appear as shadows to me in the tunnel, this time I felt like there were people but very few and they weren't near me.  I went through the tunnel and up the stairs and saw the hall of records.  There was nobody on what I call the porch, normally I see the shadowy people kind of milling around outside.

 

When I walk in, there is a table I can usually see with a screen on it and that is what I look into.  This time, there is a table and no screen.  That pretty much told me I wouldn't be looking at my records last night.  I remember being kind of annoyed because look at all I went through to get there and there was nothing.  I guess in the future I need to pay attention to the tunnel, if something feels off I will know it's not going to happen.


SadinHeart
Posted: Friday, May 18, 2012 5:30 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


dayn2nite....your experience is very interesting. When you talk about not being able to see your records, what records are those?

 

Still Waters, I am glad you enjoy reading what we write.

 

My husband and I just paid off our condo so we hope to be here until we die or if we win the lotto someday I want to buy a home in Spain and live there half the year. He wants to buy one in Italy, so maybe 4 months in each? LOL.

 

I would also love to open a non-profit organization to send doctors to poor countries to provide free medical care.

 

We'll see. If the Lord wants me to do all that then one day I will hit the jackpot, otherwise, I will keep doing what I can within my financial reach.

 

 


Still Waters
Posted: Friday, May 18, 2012 8:32 PM
Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092


Greiving.

 
I could never find someone to replace what my mother meant to me. I won’t try to find someone, or something to take her place because I know it is impossible. This much I know and will accept. Like you mentioned in a previous post, I will just try to enjoy whatever time I have left in my life. Find some happiness and peace. But I won’t expect or even try to replace what I once had.
 
Death of a parent is no stranger to me. My father died when I was eleven. I know what to expect from death. Nothing. They are gone. Gone for good. It's so very final.
 
 
I have been unsuccessfully grieving the loss of my father and now my mother all of my life. I am learning now how to grieve, I am learning now how to grieve successfully. I learned from the following books.
 
The Courage to Grieve: The Classic Guide to Creative Living, Recovery, and Growth Through Grief by Judy Tatelbaum. And Living when a Loved one had Died. But Earl A Grollman.  
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


SadinHeart
Posted: Saturday, May 19, 2012 9:08 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


We go through life knowing that one day our parents will die, hopefully they will die before us not us before them. I think the loss of a child must be emotionally devastating to anyone.

 

I am glad my parents had a long healthy life. Neither one suffered from any medical condition. My dad was hospitalized for the first time at age 82 because he fell once his VD got worse, luckily no broken bones. My mom was only hospitalized twice in her life, when she was in her 30's she broke her leg and when she was in her 70's she had knee replacement surgery.

 

 

 


dayn2nite
Posted: Saturday, May 19, 2012 1:11 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


SadinHeart wrote:

dayn2nite....your experience is very interesting. When you talk about not being able to see your records, what records are those?

 


The akashic records are a record of every soul and its journey.  When I want to look at my records, what I actually want is a record of every experience my soul has had (in whatever form I experienced life on this planet).  For example, if I want to know why I had a particular experience in my current life, instead of going back and seeing what childhood experiences might have influenced me, I might need to go back a few "lifetimes" to see where the source for the issue is.  When I understand what the source is, then I can go about healing that issue.
cowboys
Posted: Saturday, May 19, 2012 6:08 PM
Joined: 12/10/2011
Posts: 338


whoa whoa, wait up dayn2nite, I have never heard of this. I am going to have to google. explain it to me like I am a 6 yr old. Akashic? Well never mind about explaining..I will google and see what you are up to..haaa
SadinHeart
Posted: Saturday, May 19, 2012 8:26 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


dayn2nite... when you say that you review your past lives does that mean you believe in reincarnation?

 

I find it fascinating to hear about this. When you read the NDE stories you tend to believe that this life is it, but then again none of the people that had a NDE would get far enough to really know what happens after you die.

 

I sure hope there is no reincarnation. Who wants to come back to this life!!!


dayn2nite
Posted: Saturday, May 19, 2012 9:51 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


I do.  I believe the soul is eternal, but the body it inhabits changes.

 

I got interested in this from a reading I had about a year ago.  If you'd like to see the reading it's here on youtube.  I am not recommending anyone get a reading or pay for a reading anywhere, this is just to get an idea of what one sees when reading records.  This is an actual reading done by Rose for me (I am basketbrawl she is referring to)--also, she refers to what sounds like a "dowel" the way she is pronouncing it, she is saying "doll".

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8Ap3adsG50&list=FLAh6ZRH_-ILMBpQnf8Hxusw&index=13&feature=plpp_video 


SadinHeart
Posted: Sunday, May 20, 2012 6:13 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


So she is saying that in your past life you were a little girl that died in the hollocaust, very sad, and that this is why there is sadness in your present life.

 

I have to tell you that I use to be interested in psychics until one day I realized I was depending too much on it. I dont believe psychics are of God. I believe that God does not want us to worry about the future or the past, but to enjoy the present.

 

I dont condem anyone that does it, because I am noone to judge, but since I do believe it is not of God I have stayed away from it. See bible verse below.

 

This is Acts 16:16 19

"Once when we were going to the place of prayer, we were met by a slave girl who had a spirit by which she predicted the future. She earned a great deal of money for her owners by fortune-telling. This girl followed Paul and the rest of us, shouting, "These men are servants of the Most High God, who are telling you the way to be saved." She kept this up for many days. Finally Paul became so troubled that he turned around and said to the spirit, "In the name of Jesus Christ I command you to come out of her!" At that moment the spirit left her. When the owners of the slave girl realized that their hope of making money was gone, they seized Paul and Silas and dragged them into the marketplace to face the authorities."

 

This is why when my parents died I became obsessed with finding out about people that had NDE, it was a way to reassure myself that they did move on to another life. But then I realized that if I am a person of faith, I already know that.

 

I guess it is all part of the healing process and learning to let go.


dayn2nite
Posted: Sunday, May 20, 2012 3:10 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


Everyone has their own path they need to take...it all ends up in the same place believe it or not. 
SadinHeart
Posted: Sunday, May 20, 2012 6:02 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


Very true. I have always said that it's not about the destination because we all know what it is, what counts is the journey.

 

 


George K
Posted: Wednesday, May 23, 2012 5:55 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2807


Dayn2nite, this is about your butterfly experience; it's a story I once heard. 

 

Once upon a time there were three caterpillars munching on some leaves and talking about the next life.  They agreed that whoever went first would come back and tell the other two what it was like.  So the first caterpillar to turn into a butterfly came back to tell his friends what it was like.  The bad news is that the butterfly could no longer speak caterpillar language, so the butterfly flew around the caterpillars trying to explain to them how wonderful the next phase of existence is.  One caterpillar noticed the butterfly and said to his friend, "OH!  LOOK!  Isn't that butterfly beautiful!  I wish we could fly like that!"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I think when I get to heaven the first thing I'll say to myself is:  "Of course...I should have known!"

 

I think the first question I'll ask myself is:  "Why did I take life so seriously?"


dayn2nite
Posted: Wednesday, May 23, 2012 7:03 AM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097


George--that butterfly story is wonderful.  I actually copied and pasted it into an email to myself as a keeper.  I haven't seen the butterfly in a few days, maybe it was trying to talk to the caterpillars!
George K
Posted: Wednesday, May 23, 2012 8:45 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2807


dayn2nite...maybe the butterfly was trying to tell you "Everything's all right."  That's what I believe.  It's just that I don't usually see it right away.  The saying is 'We live life looking forward, but life only makes sense looking backward."
SadinHeart
Posted: Wednesday, May 23, 2012 10:48 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


dayn2nite... every time I see a butterfly I think of you. What a beautiful way to reincarnate. Free to fly all over the world.

 

Since my dad's hospice Dr told me that the last thing to go is the hearing, I asked my mom a few minutes before she passed to send me a sign that her and dad are okay. I have not seen one yet, but I still have hopes.

 

We don't know if they can, but since you told me the story of when your mom came to tell you that you took good care of her, I believe that if the Lord wants them to, they could.

 

George.. I always say that when I get to heaven the fist thing I will probably feel is: why did we worry so much about hanging on to that earthly life.

 

 

 

 


George K
Posted: Thursday, May 24, 2012 6:39 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2807


SadinHeart, here's some of what I think will happen when I get to heaven:

 

I think the first thing God’ll do to welcome me to heaven is hug me.
I think the first thing I’ll hear when I get to heaven is God saying “I love you.”
I think the first question God’ll ask me is: “Why weren’t you the person I created you to be?”
I think the first thing God’ll think to Himself is: “Now he can rest in heavenly peace”.
I think the first question God’ll ask Himself is: “When will they ever learn; how could I have made it any simpler?”

I think the first thing I’ll do in heaven is cry tears of relief and joy.
I think the first thing I’ll say when I get to heaven is “Dear God, please forgive me.”
I think the first question I’ll ask God is: “Why’d You let me be so sinful?”
I think the first thing I’ll think to myself when I get to heaven is “Of course… I should have known!”
I think the first question I’ll ask myself when I get to heaven is “Why’d I take myself so seriously?”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I've only been readng this board for a few weeks, and posting for a few days, but I've found a whole lot of comfort and relief here; also I've come to have a different, better understanding of how this damned disease affects the brain but not the spirit.  That was a critical lesson for me to learn.  I don't know how posting here helps, but I do know it does help.  My thanks to all who post here.




 


SadinHeart
Posted: Sunday, May 27, 2012 11:39 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


Very interesting George.

 

I strongly believe that we are all put on this earth for a mission. Sometimes it is very hard to understand your mission, but it is there.

 

I have met so many people in my life that have come and go, but when I look back I see the mission I had with them. All have been very rewardiing for my spirit and my spirit grows and learns from each one.

 

Sometimes people ask "why is this happening to me?". Well, why? why is it happening to you? We all have to search for the meaning things have in our lives.

 

Always look back at everything that has happened in your life and think why. A lot of the painful experiences we have had have made us grow.

 

When I was in my teens I met a really nice guy at a party and we dated once. I met his mom and his brother who was very religious and just an incredible guy to talk to, besides very handsome, but his brother and I didnt date again. I was sad because he was such a nice guy, but I guess he didnt like me as much as I liked him.

 

So one day I find a plaque of the "footprints in the sand". I thought to myself, I am going to send this to his brother, he will love this since he is so religious. Back then we didnt have scans or pc's, so I made a copy in a copier and mailed it to him anonymous.

 

Years later I saw his brother at a mall and we started to talk. He started telling me that he had gone through a lot in his life, he was mad at God for what was happening to him so he shifted his life away from God and had even contemplated suicide. But one day he received a copy of the "footprints in the sand" and he realized that was a sign from God of how much He loved him.

 

I was speechless. I had to tell him that I had to leave and would stay in touch because tears were rolling down my eyes. I didnt know how to tell him or if I wanted to tell him. To this day I have never told him that I was the one that sent him that copy. He is married, has two beautiful daughters and is very happy and very religious.

 

Now I know why I met his brother. and like that many other things have happened in my life that passed, but enriched my life or the life of others. I accept that I was put on this earth to make a change in some people's lives just like some people are put in my life to make a change in mine.