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Feeling angry
Sherri D
Posted: Tuesday, April 9, 2019 11:01 AM
Joined: 4/9/2019
Posts: 1


My mother just passed from complications (stroke) of dementia.  She had been in a nursing home for the last 3 years with the worst decline in the last year.  I had been coping with the diagnosis and having to put her in a home as best as I could, and visited her as often as I could.  I have been grieving the loss of the woman I knew for the past couple years.  But, today I find myself angry, rage type angry that her last few years were stolen from her.  I do not think she is in a better place - a better place would have been to never have dementia and still be the family matriarch.  I do believe she is better off now, and finally at peace.  Looking for some help in dealing with the rage I'm feeling.
Rockym
Posted: Tuesday, April 9, 2019 6:39 PM
Joined: 1/17/2016
Posts: 886


Sherri, there is nothing wrong with feeling angry.  I know there is some sort of order to grieving, but we all do it differently.  I recall I had acceptance first and then the what ifs and yes, I believe I was totally pissed off later on.  I don't recall how I channeled that anger, but my father taught me how to see the silver lining in really bad stuff.

Your mom is not in pain and/or confusion any longer.  I try to think about the good things that occurred during the illness and there were good things, but yes I had about 4 years taken from both of this while I helped manage her meds, doctors, moods, living places (there were 3), etc.

I keep a stack of plates from Goodwill in my garage for my 17 year old daughter to slam into the ground if she is feeling it.  She's only used them once.  Not sure how I handle my anger except to write stuff down, read it over and then throw it away.


AmyJo5
Posted: Tuesday, April 9, 2019 8:55 PM
Joined: 7/28/2017
Posts: 176


I understand and have felt that anger too, Sherri, along with shame after, and crippling grief. Our family had always been so lucky or blessed (take your pick), that the last months of her life and the horror of it seemed the cruelest F. U. from the universe. I had always prayed she would just past peacefully in her sleep, but no go. It's a part of the process and part of the terrible truth of living. Part of the privilege of loving? Everything sounds and feels a bit trite right now. Just know you are not alone.
dutiful deb
Posted: Thursday, April 11, 2019 10:18 AM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1844


My mom passed away eleven months ago, and anger was my "frenemy" for a while. It was my friend, because I needed it to process my feelings, and was my enemy because, well, who likes being angry?!  But we need to  let ourselves grieve, even if it means having anger for a while.

Rocky, I like the idea of having a stack of Goodwill plates to throw!  I remember one incident where they would have come in handy.  I had spent months dealing with Mom's mail order addiction (okay, years, but it took months to end the subscriptions and deliveries), and then I received another package of pain cream from "Dr. Baker's Best Health". Of course, even after cancelling all the orders and ending all the subscriptions, there are things that still come, and "Dr. Baker" was relentless. I had changed Mom's address to mine, so that everything came to my house. That box of pain cream arrived, and instead of sending it back, I took out one jar of the cream, went outside, and hurled it toward the back fence as hard as I could. I couldn't even throw hard enough to hit the fence, and the jar landed in some bushes. It was unharmed by my outburst, so I put it back in the box, sealed it up so that it looked like it hadn't been tampered with, and sent the lot back to the company. Then I got a "pay up or get out of town" notice because Mom had ordered this stuff and they never received payment.  A stack of plates would have come in handy. 

I have been through the grieving process before; my dad passed away from cancer in 2017. My husband's father and brother both died from cancer during the last five years. I've had other friends and relatives who died from illness or suddenly, in accidents.  The grief from losing my mom has been totally different from those other situations. Maybe it's because it's my mom, or maybe it's because it's the third parental loss, but to me, it's the loss after the long standing caregiving, which brought it's own source of endless grief. 

You are not alone. I'm glad we have this forum to share our grief journeys.


Wgonzo
Posted: Friday, April 12, 2019 7:31 AM
Joined: 1/8/2016
Posts: 364


Dear Sherri,

My heart goes out to you and believe me we all understand what you're feeling. You came here for a reason and I hope you stick around because this forum and the people here are the ones that got me through the worst days. I've made connections here that are priceless.

What helps is being able to vent and be heard. Even if you have family, friends and work it's not enough to get you through the experience we have all just had with our loved one. We have been there and continue to work through our feelings which is why you have come to the right place.

Your emotions are going to be all over the place from one day to the next.....for that matter in the same day. Will it get better? Some what. It's been over a year for me and I still rehash moments & decisions.

What is most difficult is that this disease robbed us and our loved one of so much. I'm especially pissed with how this disease didn't allow proper closer when my mom passed. Yes we did all we could do and cared for her, but losing her bit by bit was excruciating. And, then the final blow is when their in the final stage and are suffering even more. I don't have the answer as to why and I try not to think about that because I know that's a question I won't get an answer to, yet. Is she in a better place? Yes, because what happened during sure wasn't. Is she at peace? Yes, because she wasn't while enduring this disease.

If life was perfect there would be no suffering of any kind. But, that's not how it is. So, here we are reaching out to others for support and understanding. And, who knows you may make a friend or two.

Sincerely

Wendy


NC caregiver
Posted: Wednesday, April 17, 2019 4:17 AM
Joined: 2/7/2018
Posts: 858


I think anger is a normal part of grieveng and talking about it is a good wAy to get past it . When Mom died she suffered a lot on the last day and I was so angry at the unfairness.  She had a rough life from a child to adult and it seemed so unfair that she then had to suffer in her last years.  But she also had good times and contentment and was surrounded by us who loved her despite the Alzheimer's.   I hope you find some peace & can let the anger go .  Try to do some things that bring you Joy.  Order good smelling flowers.  Go to the beach and stare at the ocean.  Read a good book in a bubble bath . Sleep . Have a good meal or bubbly beverage .  You are important .