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On using the past tense.
MPSunshine
Posted: Sunday, September 16, 2018 8:47 AM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 1953


I noticed in some of the mourning and grief literature that using the past tense about a person we love is a sign of moving on, acknowledging the death, and healing. It’s been three months that my mom has been dead, and I still have trouble referring to her in the past tense. I noticed that when I have offered advice on the Caregiver Forum. My memories of my mom are still quite vivid and in my memories she is alive. So I’m not there yet with using the past tense about my mom. Even my dad, who died two years ago, in some ways is still very much alive in my memory. Sometimes when I say something it reminds me very closely to something he might have said, not that I could deliver with such a twist of the knife as he could sometimes. So this just reveals that I’m at one stage and you might be at another. I hope to never forget them but I am determined to heal and become whole and engage with life and the living again.  I wonder where are you with this? Are you finding it easy to use the past tense about your loved one? How are you honoring your memory of your loved one?


MPSunshine
Posted: Sunday, September 16, 2018 9:06 AM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 1953


Hi, dolor, I respect your perspective. I'm not in any way saying what's right for one will work for another. It's just something I read about.

However, I have some additional thoughts about this habit of using the past tense. Obviously I’ve been thinking about it, because I want to heal, move on, become whole, engage with life, and so I’m going to give it a shot. Here's me giving it a try.

My mom was an amazing singer. Sometimes I can actually hear her in my mind, belting out some Verdi or Rossini. My mom used to organize such parties at the house. Her friends would bring their reluctant husbands, and they would overtake all manner of instruments, the piano was a given, but there would also be the cello, the flute,  and the French Horn if we were lucky. Then there were the voices, all lifted up in some rhapsody of melodies that would carry on the air stream up the stairs to our bedrooms where we were supposed to be lulled to sleep. The raucous laughter! The joy that strained our house at its very seams! Pulsing. I was sure that every single one of the neighbors could hear that we were having the most fun of anyone. And sleep would arrive, but slowly, and always with music interwoven with my dreams.

 


jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, September 16, 2018 10:26 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17291


Interesting. After thinking about I conclude that I do not have difficulty with past tense. Yesterday is past tense as is last year etc. Checking the widow box  is still hard for me.

BTW...my mother was the piano player and I too can remember musical parties!


dutiful deb
Posted: Sunday, September 16, 2018 12:35 PM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1847


I don't struggle with using the past tense when talking about my mom, such as, "Mom used to love listening to old hymns so I kept a playlist on my phone for her," but I do find myself still thinking of her as if she were still here.  Yesterday I donated a couple of her old sweaters to a thrift store, and although I was okay when I bagged them up, the act of handing the items over prompted this weird notion of, "Wait, what am I doing? Those are my mom's things!". One sweater was actually an article that she'd been given at the memory care facility via donation from someone whose loved one had passed on; there was no sentimental attachment for me with either item. However, suddenly the thought crossed my mind that I was giving away things she might need. Part of me wanted to rush back into the store and snatch them back. 

Those moments where I forget that Mom is gone are rather disturbing to me, but I know they are normal. Even though I was not able to have a conversation with her and she forgot everyone she knew years before she died, I'll hear some piece of news that I know Mom would have liked to hear, and my first though is, "I can't wait to tell Mom about this," even as I imagine what her reaction would be. 

I want to move on and enjoy my memories while I relish the present and look forward to the future, but it is difficult. My mother-in-law lives in the past and my husband, too, dwells on the past a lot, so I'm surrounded by people who can't let go. This, for me, is what makes moving on difficult. 


MPSunshine
Posted: Sunday, September 16, 2018 12:38 PM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 1953


Hi, jfkoc, For me there was a blanket of despair over anything enjoyable I did. This has improved slightly. Today I went to the Container Store and inspected all the aisles. I went for flashlights but picked up a few things for my classroom too— lol. I checked in with how I was doing and all in all it was steady happiness at the new stuff rather than feeling dread or missing or sadness.
MPSunshine
Posted: Sunday, September 16, 2018 1:16 PM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 1953


Hi, Deb, I just saw your note.  I can relate very much to what you are saying when it comes to my mom’s things. I have not donated too much besides consumables such as diapers, under pads and such. With clothing, I find that I feel sentimental about the clothing. It reminds me of her, as my dad’s clothing reminds me of him. Yes, I get the thrifty feeling of “I [she] [he] might need that,” and to therefore not give it away. I had to fight through a lot of that when we were divvying up the many possessions within their home of over forty years, deciding what to stow, what to throw, what to donate, what to treasure or present to a relative. Now I find that every chance encounter with one of their things that brings back a memory, is more of invoking that memory, rather than, that feeling of dread, stress, and constant need-for-action that was always on my mind as a caregiver coupled with the feeling that I was doing the responsible thing, the right thing for them. That is what has changed. I do enjoy the passage you wrote of wanting to share something with your mom and also imagining what her reaction would be. I spent so many hours with my mom just sitting with her and chatting. This is sometimes what I miss the most. Being surrounded by people who can’t let go, you have it more difficult than me. I’m the wet blanket, or at least I was, in my household, but not anymore. I sense forward movement in a good way. Friends on the board help a lot. Your sharing helps immensely.


Seaside
Posted: Sunday, September 16, 2018 1:31 PM
Joined: 1/3/2015
Posts: 161


My husband of nearly 50 years passed away 3 years ago this coming Thanksgiving Day. What has been more difficult for me, rather than the past tense aspect, is to refer to what was once "ours" as "mine." I really haven't mastered that! Now, every rare once in awhile, "my" is spoken sort of naturally, but I still usually say "ours" without thinking. 

And even after almost 3 years, my Sundays seem so lonely...church by myself...etc. I've yet to make it through a service without needing a tissue for tears. It's the old songs that get me. But I'll keep going. I was doing great today until the pianist played a Gaither medley during Communion. Then lost it, as those lovely songs from the 70's and 80's were the glory days of raising our children, Sunday School teaching, and great family times.

I've never experienced depression that I know of. I just always tell myself that tomorrow will be a better day, and it usually is.

Betty


MPSunshine
Posted: Sunday, September 16, 2018 2:02 PM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 1953


Dear Betty (and Jfkoc for that matter), I have no doubt that losing a spouse is different/harder than losing a parent or even parents. I cannot even imagine life without my husband. We are like one person in many ways, so closely do we see things after all these years. What I can offer is that I feel very sorry for you that it is hard for you, that it's okay to feel what you are feeling, and I'm glad for you that you have the comfort of being around others when you are feeling this way and that surely there are others who know exactly this terrible adjustment that you have had to make in your life. Thank you for sharing how it is for you. You never know, you could be helping someone who is just able to read and is too devastated to even put words to what they are feeling. So thank you. It is very brave of you.

Betty, I wanted to mention, I love that photo in your avatar. Is that your late husband and a puppy? It's very dear.


Seaside
Posted: Sunday, September 16, 2018 3:44 PM
Joined: 1/3/2015
Posts: 161


Thank you for your kind words. Yes...that is my husband and our (my) Lucy when we went to choose her. Several months prior we had to have our 13 yr. old Westie put to sleep. At that time my husband wasn't aware of many things anymore. So I was alone in my loss of Daisy...except for the support of our wonderful family, of course, but they couldn't be here day in and day out. Many people can't get a new pet soon after losing one, but Daisy had been a buffer and loving companion for both of us. So I found a litter of labradoodles nearby...we couldn't really leave our house for very long by then. He held the puppy Lucy on his lap for an hour there, so peacefully. Many criticized me...didn't I have enough on my plate without adding a puppy?!! But it worked out well and now Lucy is 3 years old and I don't know what I'd do without her. My entertaining and faithful, exuberant companion.

Thank you for all the previous posts from you that I've read through the years. I've benefitted from your sound advice to others.

Betty


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MPSunshine
Posted: Sunday, September 16, 2018 5:06 PM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 1953


Same here! Two weeks prior to my mom's death we adopted this dear rescue dog who had been given up two times. She is an absolute sweetheart. My mom adored her. Friends who knew what I had been going through said, "Why? Why more responsibility?" And I would say, "Because she wiggles when I arrive through the door! Because she is the embodiment of unconditional love."

Here is her photo.


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Seaside
Posted: Sunday, September 16, 2018 5:32 PM
Joined: 1/3/2015
Posts: 161


She looks like a little sweetheart! Maybe some Akita in her? Like Hatchi, the faithful Akita in one of my favorite movies.
MPSunshine
Posted: Sunday, September 16, 2018 5:42 PM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 1953


I love that movie: faithfulness and enduring love. Just watched it a couple of weeks ago. My sweet doggie is Korean Jindo. Why did the previous owners give her up? Maybe so that she could save my life? She is also three years old. I missed her puppyhood but have heard from friends who have the same type of dog that as a puppy she was probably very cute with floppy ears. What puppy is not cute? We got her just in time and at the right age, since she was toilet trained and ready for our family, with the need for walks and giving affection. My mom who didn't usually like any dogs, embraced her. A funny scene was when my mom said her tail was "just like a fat fuzzy caterpillar."
jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, September 16, 2018 6:33 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17291


Off topic

our one and only Container Store opened this weekend.....the lies were around the block.

 


MPSunshine
Posted: Sunday, September 16, 2018 6:44 PM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 1953


Hi, jfkoc, you mean lines not lies I hope. Funny how containers could be so intriguing. I remember intentionally purposing containers such as boxes for different uses because my dad was so thrifty. I went for the flashlights and indeed there were two types of flashlights. Do you know what I did to make my dad proud? I re-purposed the headlamp I placed on his walker in order to walk the dog. Efficient. Sufficient. Resilient.
Skittles412
Posted: Monday, September 17, 2018 7:23 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 223


Hello MP (and everyone else):

MP you and I lost our mothers right around the same time. I will not use the past tense when referring to my mom.  I like to think that when I say "Mom loves the smell of roses" that she is continuing to  smell the roses upstairs in her new home.  When I say "mom loves chocolate" I choose to believe she is still able to enjoy it even now. I picture her in Heaven doing what she loves and those are just a few of the things she loves.  Thinking this way makes my heart hurt just a little less.  I miss her terribly.  

xoxoxo -Kat

 

 


MPSunshine
Posted: Monday, September 17, 2018 6:33 PM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 1953


Hi, Kat, Maybe she’s just in the next room. Isn’t there a poem that goes something like that?
Sheen66
Posted: Monday, September 17, 2018 9:26 PM
Joined: 6/10/2018
Posts: 53


Interesting discussion. While it doesn’t strike me as all that important to use past tense as a way to “move on,” I do think the way we use language to frame our loved one and keep them alive in our current lives is important; language is essential to preserving their stories—who they were to us and who they still are to us. 

When my mom was still living, and so often struggling with confusion, asking the same question multiple times a day and so on, I so missed my “old mom.” I started a little journal for myself that I named, “The Dementia Diaries.” I didn’t publish anything or post it— just kept it as a note on my smart phone and randomly added entries. They usually started with, “Dear Mom,...” followed by mostly present an account of the day’s struggles, perhaps. 

Occasionally, I would write a prayer of sorts... if I were feeling emotional and wishing for her to find peace I would tell her through my “Diary.” 

Sometimes these entries were more observational, like charting things a nurse would observe. Sometimes they were stories told by only an only child missing her mom. 

The final days of her life, when I knew it was soon, I started a new “Diary,” and named it just that. “The Final Days”—written in the same format, “Dear Mom...” The notes were very  personal, my final connection to her as she was dying. 

The next thing I wrote was her obituary, in past tense, naturally. How I managed that I’m still  not sure. I also wrote a message of notification of death to friends and family. It also talked about my mom in past tense. That too was difficult, but I managed it. I let them know about her burial, a family-only graveside service, about her last months and weeks.

As fate would have it, and I’m compelled to share here, another important part of my mom’s tribute that I included in that message was about her relationship with the family DOGS! (I must find Akita, this is cosmic) A day did not go by that my mom didn’t talk about how much comfort our two dogs brought her. Also, we could not keep these two huge, gentle Dobermans (both red with floppy ears)  from sharing a single bed with this my tiny nonagenarian mom! 

And now I have weiter’s block as I am attempting a short story about my mom’s burial. I keep getting stuck and finding I don’t like the format. There may also be a part of me doesn’t want to return to it, to re-live the last time I see her physical form. 

The upshot here is this topic/thread has made me consider going back and writing it in my old “Diary” style. This might be the way to form a lasting connection with my mom that I have been seeking. 

Ironically, it would be all me “writing” to my mom in present tense...”Dear Mom, It was you are home now....” And so on. The more I think about this, the more I really like the idea. 

Well, you can, hopefully,see my point of view. 

Language connects us and can illuminate our thoughts. Maybe the lesson is that the important thing is not the usage but the intent. 


Last Dance
Posted: Monday, September 17, 2018 10:21 PM
Joined: 5/2/2013
Posts: 272


I do not want to take away anything from anybody, nor do I want to cause anybody any grief. I know we all grieve in our own way and all have special attachments to our parents that we have to take care of. However I feel that losing a spouse is much worse then losing a parent. Linda took care of her mother for 5 years, and when she passed away it was hard on her, but she had me here to help her with her grief. I let her share her sadness with me and her hurt with me. I held her, and hugged her when she was hurting. I went to the cemetery with her, and helped with taking care of her mother’s personal items, some are still with me. She was never alone she always had me to love her. It’s hard when you lose the love of your life; Linda was not just my wife but also my business partner for 42 years. It’s hard when you lose the one you loved for 53 years, the person that knows all your secrets, the person that you shared your bed with, the person that is the mother of our children, the person that you laughed with, danced with, the person that gave you comfort when you needed it, nursed you when you were sick the person that could make the hurt go away with just a kiss. The person that you could touch in the middle of the night and she would know what to do to comfort you whether it was a kiss, and a hug or more. Step 7 was bad step 8 is per hell. She left  me all alone on June, 16 2017 at 4:21 AM I think that I’m worse today then I was a year ago there is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. I still have her things exactly as she left them.  I go out and do things, I volunteer I belong to a few different organizations’ and in general try to keep busy, but nothing takes the pain away of a lost love.  Even on this board I hardly ever referred to Linda as my DW I always called her by her sir name, Linda, and she will forever be my Linda.                                                                                  
 God’s Blessings to you all                                                                                     
  Richard

Sheen66
Posted: Monday, September 17, 2018 10:24 PM
Joined: 6/10/2018
Posts: 53


There quick things: 

1) Hachi— got it, my daughters know the story of the Japanese who inspired the movie...and I have come to believe in getting a new pup soon after losing a family dog. They have different life spans. We have to accept that in the beginning, IMHO. 

2) The Container Store—the see-through shoe boxes—in bulk—used to come to five cents a box on sale!! The best, most versatile storage unit I’ve ever invested in. Keep me looped in, please. 

3) Finally, please excuse all my many typos, as most often I’m posting from a device without a keyboard and that makes type difficult to see and editing sloppy. 

Reminding all to be gentle forgiving with yourselves and others. I’m including myself. 


George K
Posted: Tuesday, September 18, 2018 6:19 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2807


Here's the way I think about using "was" or "is"...

A mother's womb is the place of preparation for us to enter this world, the physical world.  Life is the womb that prepares us for entering the next world, the spiritual world. 

When I think or speak about any of my departed loved ones-- if I'm focused on their outsides, their physical being, I use "was"; if I'm focused on their insides, their spiritual being, I use "is". 

I  don't understand just exactly what 'heaven' and 'eternity' mean; what I think is that wherever God is, that is heaven and it is always the present.  That is, I believe God and heaven only exist in the present moment, not the past or the future.  So since I believe that my loved ones are in God's presence and in heaven, that means their spirit exists in the present.  (If that makes any sense)



Skittles412
Posted: Tuesday, September 18, 2018 7:16 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 223


MP I'm not sure about the poem but I'd like to read it if there is one.  <3

Richard I'm sure it's ridiculously difficult losing your spouse and thankfully I don't know that feeling. I'm very sorry for your loss.  Death is never easy and we're all just trying to deal with what life has dealt us. Losing my mother is the hardest loss I've ever experienced as I'm sure losing your spouse is the hardest loss you've ever experienced.  All we can do is try to be here for each other as we grieve and try to muddle through. I wish you peace.

-Kat


Sheen66
Posted: Tuesday, September 18, 2018 1:50 PM
Joined: 6/10/2018
Posts: 53


@Richard, 

Please accept my sincerest condolences on the loss of your Linda. Words are not enough, but they are sincere. What a beautiful photo of a couple dancing. You two? 

Of course, I agree with you that losing a spouse is wholly different and a tragic loss. I cannot even begin to imagine what that kind of mourning would be like. 

My husband was supportive and by my side, is by my side, in much the same way you describe being with your wife through her caregiving and mourning. It takes a special spouse to be there in that way. To turn around and do it for your spouse, this is tragic. Our parents deaths aren’t tragic in our midlife, they are painful and bring us back to our inner child. I don’t know what losing a spouse does emotionally and spiritually but I imagine it rips you in two. 

My experience caring for my mom has made me think about the possibility of that shoe being on one of our feet, and I’ve thought I might be able to plan ahead. Who am I fooling? We can never prepare ourselves for losing a loved one... period. Death, grief, all of it... it’s an ambush. 

I confess, however, that my spouse and I don’t have as many years together as a couple as we are each other’s second marriages. I envy you, and Linda, Richard. I envy the marrriage described by MP Sun, and others here, who know what it’s like to share not just love, friendship, and commitment but the time to enjoy those things. 

Sometimes I worry, “Will he call out for his first spouse (they were married much longer than I was to my first husband) in the event he goes into the fog of dementia?” Or will I be the one? Will I go down reminiscent road like my mother, who claimed at the end that the “love of her life” had always been her first husband (my father), whose name she knew; she had forgotten her second husband’s name, even though he outlived my father by 15 years.  

Apologies for rambling and not using my words well...I’m trying to say that what you and Linda had, have, cannot be destroyed by time or illness. I believe that. Hearing that from a stranger on a random post probably doesn’t make any of your grief less painful. I have no idea.  I’m not 50-plus years into my marriage, we haven’t even hit the 20-year mark, and the mere thought of one of us losing the other is devastating. 

Have you thought of counseling younger couples on what makes a marriage last? You mentioned volunteering.... Possibly writing about your experience, if it would help others? 

While I worked as a hospital nurse couples likes to tell me how long they had been together, and so I would always ask those with many many years of marriage for their “secret.” I thought about putting together a book one day based on their (anonymous) answers. Some quotes were quite humorous. “I just pretend that’s the wind going through a tree over there.” —one spouse on another who tended to me longwinded. They all had different answers but all the two common things  were almost a combination of listening and forgiving. 

I really think younger couples can benefit from marital advice from people who have had long and successful marriages, that is the point, one of them, for what it’s worth. You have a story to tell and it is special. You shared it here and it touched me. 

So, if you don’t mind my asking? And if you do, please just ignore the question: What was your secret to a long marriage? You and Linda? What do you think she would say? 

@George, What a beautiful way to think of words and frame them into a sacred time and place. 


MPSunshine
Posted: Tuesday, September 18, 2018 5:40 PM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 1953


What an intensely loving outpouring of analysis and depth of emotion on the part of all of you. Thank you so much. I was driving home from work and was at a stop sign and decided to check if anyone had posted. I had to click off the phone because I seriously could not have driven any further if I had read more of your passages, my heart stood still.

 

I came back to my computer later, to your great relief, I am sure.

 

Here is the poem I was thinking of:

 

Death Is Nothing At All

By Henry Scott-Holland

 

Death is nothing at all.

It does not count.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

Nothing has happened.

 

Everything remains exactly as it was.

I am I, and you are you,

and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.

Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

 

Call me by the old familiar name.

Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no difference into your tone.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

 

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.

Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

 

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was.

There is absolute and unbroken continuity.

What is this death but a negligible accident?

 

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you, for an interval,

somewhere very near,

just round the corner.

 

All is well.

Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.

One brief moment and all will be as it was before.

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

 

 

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/death-is-nothing-at-all-by-henry-scott-holland

 

Much love to all my caregiver friends who are on this “far side” with me. Much love.


MPSunshine
Posted: Tuesday, September 18, 2018 6:03 PM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 1953


Sheen, I would like to read any/all of your short stories. I am working on poetry. Please connect with me should you prefer to share privately.

George K, You are always a fount of wisdom and clarity and just George. What would I do without you?

Richard, Your enduring love is an inspiration to all of us. Such a dear love. How is love so enduring?

Kat, Many hugs to you. We must be close in our loss. I miss my mom so much too. Right now I'm sitting in her room typing. She used to talk with me right here. Oh, how I miss her.


Lorita
Posted: Tuesday, September 18, 2018 6:32 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 10710


Hi,

 I lost my Charles 44 months ago.  I don't/haven't really thought about using the past tense in talking about him, however, I still use the term "we" or "us" when talking about things such as our farm, our PU, etc. 

 Like Judith, I know I'd have trouble marking the "widow" box - so far this is not something I've had to deal with.  I think I'd leave it blank.  I don't use the word "widow".  I guess I haven't moved on - and that's all right.  Not too much to move on to.


Skittles412
Posted: Wednesday, September 19, 2018 6:52 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 223


MP, that poem is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I sent that off to my siblings to let it comfort them as it did me. 

George that was beautiful and also comforting to me. Thank you


Sheen66
Posted: Friday, September 21, 2018 1:33 AM
Joined: 6/10/2018
Posts: 53


Beautiful poem. 

The first read I bawled too much I couldn’t finish it. I just read it aloud to my family, which made it easier to keep my composure. It is similar in content to a poem my mom left in her few posthumous notes to me. As was her style, the one I have to share is short and elegant. I will dig it out of my things and post soon. 

In the meantime, I wanted to second the comment MPSun left about the beauty here on this thread. It is wonderful the way some of these posts begin to have a pulse of their own. 

@MPsun, thank you for the kind invitation to share works of written words, which I’m happy to take you up on!   

May I add, it is really amazing to find a group such as this. 

Like the caregivers’ group, I am touched by how a random group of strangers not only brings a unique way with words to the discussion, but as a group is so clearly able to unite to show true kindness and compassion for others. 

Each time I read a new, carefully written shared life experience, or recognize the way in which a poster has so clearly used their words to demonstrate respect and sensitivity for the perspectives of others, I glean some new guidance in finding my own voice. This is something that will help me to tell my story to others. 

To this I say: Verba volant, scrita manent. 

And thank you for all for your kindness. 


Skittles412
Posted: Friday, September 21, 2018 7:36 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 223


I too love reading other's stories and learning of their experiences. I'm not as eloquent with my words as some of you are but I do have a story that I'd like to share. I have not been fortunate enough to have had a dream about my mother yet but my sister did last night and she shared the dream with me. I love this dream so I wanted to share it with you. 

In her dream, it was Thanksgiving weekend and all of my siblings were in town for the holiday.  My older sister Peg and I had been out Christmas shopping together (it’s a tradition of ours).  We went back to my parent’s house to meet our other 5 siblings and dad for lunch afterward. We walked in the door and went straight into the family room to drop off our shopping bags.  Just then, both of our jaws hit the floor because standing right in front of us was my mother; alive again and looking healthy, younger and beautiful.  Peg and I looked at each other, then mom and then back at each other again. We dropped our shopping bags in disbelief. My other two sisters and three brothers were in the kitchen and they came running into the family room because they heard us gasp and yell. When they all saw what we saw, we all collectively ran to my mother and we were all laughing and crying and hugging each other so hard. We were wiping away our tears and then my mother said “The living room looks great”.  (My sister remodeled and cleaned the living room just yesterday). And then my sister woke up.

I know my mom visited my sister.  I’ll get my turn soon I hope. Thanks for listening.

-Kat xoxoxo

 

 


MPSunshine
Posted: Saturday, September 22, 2018 1:38 PM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 1953


I *love* the sharing. Sick today (me), so just reading, but enjoying the dreams, recounting, the sheer vibrancy of we who are alive sharing about our departed loved persons. And I feel that more and more. Here I am in the office, which is my parents' repurposed room. It is filled with their "stuff." I am gradually weeding out some of the things that can be donated. But there are many things I enjoy. I found cigars, for example, that my dad saved on the occasion of each of the births of each of his offspring. Each cigar is wrapped in paper with a date on it. I thought of sending the cigars to my siblings on their birthdays but my better half suggested that was something better done in person. When? When is this supposed meeting "in person?" Our relations have changed so dramatically, partially because of one of us rather than all of us taking on the caregiving role. And now that page has turned it can never turn back. Oh, sigh. I will feel better. Chicken noodle soup is the balm for all colds. But no, that page can never turn back.
Skittles412
Posted: Monday, September 24, 2018 8:32 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 223


Oh no I hope you're feeling better MP.  The change of seasons is always hard on our bodies.  Rest up and do feel better.  

xoxoxo -Kat


Carolyn613
Posted: Thursday, November 8, 2018 2:17 PM
Joined: 7/15/2016
Posts: 1063


I hate having to check the "widow" box, but I do use the word "widow". What was profoundly sad was the time I had to fill out a form with the question, "Are you married?" and then two boxes: "yes" and "no". At least "widow" says my husband existed (and still does, in heaven). The "no" box means he might as well never have been. It took me a few minutes before I was able to check the box.