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Facebook makes me sad and jealous
LadyTexan
Posted: Thursday, January 2, 2020 6:05 PM
Joined: 12/21/2018
Posts: 630


I'm not on Facebook. I keep my social network profile very simple. I am more active on this website than anywhere else.

Recently I used DH's Facebook account with his knowledge to connect with a photographer that did a photo shoot for us. DH is connected with our mutual friends and family members. DH rarely posts as he has lost most of his computer skills and typing ability. 

While I was on his computer, I saw plenty of posts of family and friends celebrating and doing happy things like baby showers, or girls night out, or enjoying a vacation, or just cooking a nice meal. I am embarrassed to admit that instead of being happy for all these people living happy lives, I had pangs of sadness and jealousy because our life is much different.

DH and I have happy days too. They look much different. I celebrate when he puts his jacket on by himself. I celebrate when we make it to the doctor's appointment on time. I celebrate going on an errand together without a mental meltdown. I cherish seeing the sparkle in his eye, which sadly is becoming less frequent. I cherish seeing him engage with neighbors. 

I'm staying away from Facebook. I don't like the way I felt seeing what looks like carefree living by others. 

I am grateful for the simple joys and the meaningful moments that DH and I are blessed with. Our happy days and moments are different now.  They mean so much more to me than ever before.


Boxerlover53
Posted: Thursday, January 2, 2020 10:12 PM
Joined: 11/29/2019
Posts: 115


LadyTexan...

I understand completely how you feel about the whole social media FB thing. I do have a FB page but I don't go on there very often. My DH wants no part of social media and like your hubby he would have a difficult time navigating through it. I can understand how you might feel jealous over some of the things your friends are posting because your life's journey has changed and you were not prepared for it. They're enjoying life and here we are wondering how we'll make it through the next day. My DH is in early stage btw so I haven't yet experienced what you or others have. Don't be embarrassed by your feelings. You're only human. Reading your post I think you have a good attitude and you're thankful for the little accomplishments and precious moments shared daily with your hubby. That means so much!  Btw....I come on here more often than any other sites too. This is my comfort zone!  I wish you well my friend!


LadyTexan
Posted: Friday, January 3, 2020 8:32 AM
Joined: 12/21/2018
Posts: 630


Thank you for understanding BoxerLover. I appreciate your kind words. 

This holiday season, I have been having a long interval of feeling sorry for myself. I need to take personal responsibility for what's going on with me. Facebook doesn't "make me sad and jealous". I let myself get sad and jealous by comparing myself and my life to others.

I am truly blessed. I married the love of my life. We have a great dog. We have each other. We have food and utilities. We have our faith. We have more than enough. I am grateful for what we have. I am grateful for this forum. I am grateful for our kind words friend. I wish you well as we continue on our journey.


TayB4
Posted: Sunday, January 5, 2020 8:02 AM
Joined: 8/8/2014
Posts: 887


Last night I was in the movie theater lobby waiting for my daughter and her boyfriend. I had just seen the movie “Little Women” by myself (fantastic if you love the story). Seeing so many couples coming out of the theater smiling, talking, holding hands or arm in arm, I became very sad and jealous. My DH is 53 years old and in a nursing home due to Alzheimer’s. I also can relate to the feelings when I scroll through Facebook. So many happy moments that my family has been robbed of.
eaglemom
Posted: Sunday, January 5, 2020 9:27 AM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 2546


I can relate to everything that is being expressed here. However there is something else to keep in mind with social media, FB.  You always see smiling faces, vacations, family gatherings, etc. What you don't see is the, dare I say it, dysfunction that those families also have.

People usually aren't going to report there family 'issues.' That even though the FB picture has everyone smiling, a brother, or sister, mother, etc is missing from the photo because they weren't included in the event. Right now many posts are of families together for the holidays, and that's great. But you won't see that family together again until the next holiday. 

As caregivers we are dealing with something all of the time. Yes those FB pictures are nice, but don't think that everyone's life is a big family all smiling. We all know differently.

eagle


TeriLee
Posted: Wednesday, January 8, 2020 9:29 AM
Joined: 11/3/2016
Posts: 64


I'm not on FB either. I was, but I saw quickly how it can make you feel. I got off a long time ago and won't go back.

This is a much better place.


ruthmendez
Posted: Thursday, January 9, 2020 1:17 AM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2309


Once, a friend of mine opened a FB account for me.  She was hoping I would be more involved with her group and announcements I really didn't care for. 

 First, what annoyed me is that the photo she selected for my profile included her in it. I don't know why she didn't select a photo of me solo.  She has plenty of photos of me solo, but for some reason she decided she had to be in it.

Then (this is even more weird of me but here it goes), as soon as some folks began friend requests I felt a bit of anxiety because I didn't want to friend them.  So, I decided to close the account instead.

I'm just...not that friendly and I don't really have a life to share.  Like....what am I gonna announce or post..."cleaning dad's butt today...yeah!"

Or..."one more drink tonight! All by myself too! Celebrate that y'all!"

Or..."cleaning house again.....just fed cat....feeding dad again.....selfie!!!"

Whatever.


KawKaw
Posted: Tuesday, January 14, 2020 6:25 AM
Joined: 11/22/2019
Posts: 279


As EagleMom expressed so well, FB and other social media is often about the best moments, not the typical moments.

It can represent opportunities that might be beyond us at this time.

I keep a minimal FB account so that I can access groups I find useful.

I am reminded that I could use my account to share photos of my mother so I don't have to message them separately to people.

That would require friending people, which like ruthmendez, I am not fond of doing.  hehehe

I will consider it.


MinutebyMinute
Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2020 1:49 PM
Joined: 6/11/2019
Posts: 522


ruthmendez wrote:
I'm just...not that friendly and I don't really have a life to share.  Like....what am I gonna announce or post..."cleaning dad's butt today...yeah!"

Or..."one more drink tonight! All by myself too! Celebrate that y'all!"

Or..."cleaning house again.....just fed cat....feeding dad again.....selfie!!!"

Whatever.

----

OMG, Ruth, you just made me CACKLE! I don't check "Musings" often but just happened to and came across this post and your comment. TOO funny!

I totally relate to your comment above and to Lady Texan's OP. My FB posts are mostly about my house, one of the only "normal" parts of my so-called life. I recently did get a partial weekend respite that included an overnight stay. Instead of making me feel more relaxed and ready to reconnect as a caregiver, it initially did just the opposite. It made me resentful and dreading having to go back to life as it is. It even took me a few days to get past that. I really had to struggle in resuming my less-than-pleasant duties (like butt-cleaning). I finally gave myself a good talking to and put my big girl pants on!

Part of it is that I have done so much to build a life I want in the past few years but haven't gotten to truly live it yet because Mom deteriorated so much faster than I thought she would. That, and then about 100 other obstacles that have been thrown down as I try to navigate the caregiving world. It's all there, waiting, I just can't reach it yet. It sucks that Mom will continue to decline instead of being able to enjoy some of this with me. That just makes me ANGRY. It shouldn't be happening to her. It shouldn't be happening to me.

It shouldn't be happening to any of us.

 



Merry42
Posted: Monday, February 3, 2020 9:43 PM
Joined: 9/9/2019
Posts: 4


Just to toss out another point of view..... I  AM on Facebook nearly daily.  I use it as a way to stay connected to family and friends because being a caregiver is so isolating.  I also post something nearly daily - mostly funny stuff, old pictures that make fun of me -  but often something that expresses how I am feeling (going over Niagara Falls in a barrel....).  People who truly know me and my situation understand. 

I am not trying to say people SHOULD be on FB. My point is only that, for me, it is therapeutic.  And we all should live the life we put on FB!   Wouldn't that be wonderful??


CTEdaughter
Posted: Wednesday, February 5, 2020 9:11 PM
Joined: 2/5/2020
Posts: 9


We were in a weird zone for awhile, let's call it the purple zone. My father diagnosed and struggling. We all were. We didn't post photos of him or share. He was placed in memory care and mom decided to people need to know where he is, what it's like. She posts pictures of him post hair cuts, getting doughnuts, light hearted, but his decline is visually a slap in the face-partly because he's dropped 55 pounds and because she tags his memory care as the location. People now know. Old friends have flown in from out of state, his old football buddies brought him lunch. My mother gets support from others, and even more importantly we get to talk about dementia, and (potential)CTE, informing others, helping them. This was a slow process, but now so much good has come of it. If you are ready and its for your family, we can help spread some knowledge about dementia and make the world a more understanding place for our loved ones.
God’swill
Posted: Sunday, February 23, 2020 3:32 PM
Joined: 2/23/2020
Posts: 2


Thank you for sharing your experience it helps and I can relate even though my Dad is at an earlier stage. I know what is coming and I feel so helpless. I pray that you get the support that you need and pray for your Father as well
LaVitaEBella
Posted: Tuesday, February 25, 2020 5:57 PM
Joined: 12/27/2019
Posts: 27


I have a Facebook but I tend to deactivate it once in awhile to clear some thought out of my head. It is fun to check out the newsfeed and see what happening to the life of my friends.
OneofThreeDaughters
Posted: Sunday, May 17, 2020 8:43 PM
Joined: 8/12/2019
Posts: 40


Just another thought about the usefulness of Facebook to connect family and friends to your loved one who is either trapped at their home, trapped at home with you, or not able to receive visitors at a facility: It can be a great way to keep people updated on your loved one's condition -- even to just let them know that they are still with us. 

When we moved my mother from her home state to live with us, FB helped everyone that she left behind see how she was doing. Because my mother can be a character, we often post (with her permission, even if she can't remember anything from one moment to the next) a photo of her doing something, and/or a funny comment that she has made. For example, we posted that when she read that our state was about to close down due to COVID-19, she said, "We'd better get more beer!" And, to the point above that people generally don't let on about the crappy stuff in their lives -- putting their best faces forward -- we don't post about the fights about bathing, the literally crappy moments or the other things that make us crazy caregivers on a daily basis. 

That having been said, I personally am taking a year-long break from FB because political issues were interfering with how I thought I felt about people. But my husband still posts good mom comments/photos occasionally. Some people who are FB friends of mine but not my husband's have commented that they miss my posts about mom. Oh well, maybe in a few months.....Mom promises to live to be 100, so I have time (she'll be 95 next month).