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Guardianship Conservatorship
Posted: Saturday, January 15, 2022 9:40 AM
Joined: 2/7/2019
Posts: 8


Long story so i apologize. My brother and i were granted guardianship and conservator 18 months ago. It was dumped on me to do all the work. Bills, investments, cars, property. He doesnt go see mom. His wife (not part of g/c) signs into court account and monitors what i do, calls the drs, nurses, memory care and tries to change things in place. She reads my brothers email and responds as him. If i text him he sent respond. My mom was in the hospital in July-he never showed once. Not in er, not for surgery, not for a week in the hospital. 

I don’t know how to deal with this. The work is overwhelming. I’ve got the financials in place, pray things are invested ok, travelled to get Florida place, cleaned out (amongst cock rosches) her place alone, got it on market and sold for top dollar. I work during summer at her cabin to clean out 60 years of stuff-long way to go. Do the up keep there weekly. On and on. While they do nothing. BUT they will tell me cabin needs to be sold ( we are fine financially right now but yes, eventually it does)

I have received communication from brother and his wife swearing at me, calling me every name in the book-all very childish  I have documented everything in case i need it  

I know, doing it for mom. Doing the right thing. Etc. 

Does anyone know g/c rules. I would like to get him off this since he does zip. I also want to keep his wife out of this. She has screwed up the court website 3 times now. She is not to be in there at all!!  Court liaison is aware and had talked to her but she ignored it. 

All sounds petty I know.  I just am so tired of this added stress. 

Posted: Saturday, January 15, 2022 10:09 AM
Joined: 6/20/2016
Posts: 3053

First of all, since you're doing all the work, does the paperwork allow for you to be paid for this work?  If so, are you taking payment?  If you aren't, take the payment.

Second, you can block the calls/texts and let them do something about that (like what?).  Since you're doing all the work, ignore everything they're saying, don't answer the questions.  See what they do.  They can monitor the web site and make comments and you'll never see or hear them if you block them.

The only way you can remove him is through the court again.
Posted: Saturday, January 15, 2022 10:11 AM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 1235

I'd go back to the Court Liaison officer and ask how you can get a court order blocking the SIL  from doing what she is doing, which "may" be elder abuse -- I mean what if a neighbor somehow accessed the court files? Legally, she's just as outside.

Can the CL officer reset the password? And when your brother calls the CL Officer to get the new code read him the riot act that the SIL WILL be brought in front of the Judge if she doesn't back off?

Watch the funds like a hawk she isn't siphoning off money since boundaries just seem to be an artistic suggestion to her.

Send the Doctors etc involved a copy of the court orders and point out that only you and your brother as individuals can do things and that the SIL  is to be handled under HIPAA -- no power no info.

If these steps don't work, ask the CL officer if he/she would recommend an outside attorney to get the orders amended removing your brother as guardian, etc or if a petition by you directly  to the Court has a chance of working.

Cleaning up other people's stuff is a grim thing, even if you love them . Having a relative hanging around your neck like a stone just makes it worse. I'm sorry you are dealing with  this .

  Keep track of your hours and when it comes time to settle the estate ask a lawyer if you can bill for what you've put in .



Posted: Saturday, January 15, 2022 10:34 AM
Joined: 2/7/2019
Posts: 8

I can be paid and i keep track of my hours. I have since the start since the bonding company told me to do that. I have a notebook that i enter what exactly i did, start time/stop time. I requested court to be paid after she dies so i am not taking money away from her for her care. If she needs the money, it’s there for her. If there is anything left after she dies, I’ll get paid. 

I have blocked his and her phone calls-I can only get email from him (which she does). I know this because she isn’t very smart and it shows his email but her name attached . I worked in IT. 

WE each have our own login to court. So she uses his Userid and password. He states he doesn’t know how to login (he is 55 years old-he knows how to). So that does nothing. The court liaison is very annoyed and it has been documented by them  what she has done.  But it doesn’t change anything. 

I have sent her facility, nurses, drs saying she is not to be contacted. They know. But then she tries again. So i need to be on my toes on it to make sure i know what is going on for her care. So far they tell me when she dress this so i can reiterate things. But when she sends emails as my brother-they do not know if it’s really him or not. 

I do watch the accounts. I have to document every dollar for the courts. Enter every statement she gets in the court website monthly, line by line  Scan documents, cashed checks, bills, receipts and upload to court. Plus I’m audited yearly which is more paperwork. I’m getting the hang of it but that’s one thing I’ll tell anyone. Get POA. My mom was too far gone and refused. Said she was fine. 

Thank you for listening. I’ve honestly found no help out there for this stuff. And maybe there is no help. But i learned all this piece by piece…..  my goal is to make her money last for her care. She doesn’t have allot but i have the budget and know what to transfer  monthly to cover her costs. All so sad. 

Posted: Sunday, January 16, 2022 10:34 AM
Joined: 6/20/2016
Posts: 3053

Take your money in a lump sum now.  Then pay yourself every quarter for your administrative work.  Don’t wait for her to die.  There will be nothing left for you then.
Unknown By Man
Posted: Sunday, January 16, 2022 10:46 AM
Joined: 12/23/2021
Posts: 97

I respect your stance of not taking money until after her passing, if I was in your situation that is how I would also handle it. Taking money that is meant for a loved ones care as payment while they are alive just does not sit well with me. Though I am an idealistic “kid” that does not have much real life experience. To me it just seems wrong especially if I am capable of earning money elsewhere or in other ways.
Posted: Monday, January 17, 2022 7:47 PM
Joined: 8/11/2021
Posts: 53

Kdsfit, I really understand what you're going through. I am co-guardian for my Father with his odious spouse, and honestly had I known what I know now, I would have fought for sole guardianship. 

I have found that I do 98% of the work (healthcare, bills, accounting, logistics, personal care orders, on and on) and I too feel very strongly about not paying myself for it as it takes away from his dwindling funds. But more importantly, if I pursued that, it would give his spouse justification for charging my Father for her supposed 'guardianship work' which would be such a further insult to what she has already done to his funds.

One thing I do is document everything. Each time there is a medication change, ER visit, behavioral incident, it goes into a detailed email informing the co-guardian. I have a feeling I'll need it at some point if I need to have this person removed. 

Your sister in law's involvement is particularly troubling and may be grounds for having him removed as a co-guardian. The two of you are THE ONLY people who should be making decisions in healthcare and legal matters. Period. It's bad enough having a lazy, obstructionist co guardian. But your situation actually sounds dangerous for your loved one and I would talk to legal counsel about what legal recourse you have.

You are right, this is so very stressful. And all you want to do is take care of your loved one without all of this BS. I can't stand that my attention is often diverted away from my Father having to deal with this horrible individual. How do I keep going? I  wake up every day and think about how I'm going to show up doing what's best for him, honoring him. And then most of the decisions are fairly straight forward. 

I also know I won't be doing this forever. This is a terminal disease, and I do the very best I can within the constraints I have. Remember to take care of yourself and practice gratitude for the good things and people in your life. Also therapy really helps.

You are a good (daughter/son). Your mom would be so proud and appreciative of all that you are doing for her. 

King Boo
Posted: Tuesday, January 18, 2022 9:00 AM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 3626

I've never been guardian but Executor twice over and DPOA twice over.  With annoying Monday morning quarterbacking going on in the background from other family members.

It's a giant responsibility and a lot of work.

I might suggest that you take your payment now as the work is ongoing.  You can put this in a separate account in your name.  It is work well done on behalf of your parent.  If a professional guardian were hired they would get paid.  You do it best.

You can keep the money aside for use for your mother, it's the same difference - exception being, if the day comes that she spends down for Medicaid, you have a 'slush fund' for those items she might need that Medicaid does not provide for.   This is a useful strategy and still honors your intent for your mother.  

Remember too, that after she passes there is still the Estate to administer, a whole different sort of PIA.  It may easier to be paid a Guardian than the executor's commission due to family dynamics, although your elder law attorney can advise on this one. (  An Elder Law Attorney can also be of assistance to ongoing family issues, even though there is guardianship.  

The old SIL should be communicating with your brother and not you.  I am glad you recognize she is crossing a whole lot of boundaries.  I'd be blunt that you need to hear from your brother and not her.  It's probably a reflection of how their relationship works (or doesn't work, as may be the case).  It sounds like control issues.

Some people can be taken care of by a quarterly e mail.  It satisfies their need for knowledge and can quell the ongoing meddling (not always, but it can work in regular but annoying family dynamics.