RSS Feed Print
Intimacy is No Longer An Option
Posted: Saturday, April 20, 2019 5:46 AM
Joined: 4/1/2019
Posts: 47

OK.  This is very hard for me to write about, even think about, but I deal with it every single day and it is making me crazy!  My DH was diagnosed three years ago and since then has become a different person.  I know you all understand this.  I look at him, and except for the significant weight gain, he still looks like that man I married 37 years ago.  But he is not at all the same man.  Many times, he acts like a spoiled kid.  But he talks about sex all the time and badgers me about it every single day multiple times a day.  Although it has not been a part of our lives for more than a year and very infrequently before then for the last couple of years, he still thinks he can perform (with the help of Viagra) and wants to.  I want no part of it because when I look at him, I see the person I am taking care of, not the person he used to be.  I miss that person so much.  We had fun together, long conversations, and yes, a decent sex life.  Now, we are strangers living in the same house ... me taking care of his every need ... him swearing that there is nothing at all wrong with him.  He believes that I have become this cold, uncaring person when nothing could be further from the truth.  I just don't "want to go there" with a stranger.  And that is what he is to me now.  He asks me every day, "How long has it been since we've had sex?"  Luckily, his timing doesn't work any more and he knows it has been a long time but doesn't realize it's been over a year.  I don't even like it when he hugs me and tries to kiss me anymore because I know there is always an ulterior motive.  He is like a high school kid ... trying to grab me every time I walk by him.  I have to sit on the other side of the couch now just to watch a movie in peace.  I just wish there was some way to turn his mind off this subject.  I'm not saying everything would be wonderful again, but it would be one less thing to make me feel bad every day.  Sorry this is a long post, but this is eating at me and I just don't know what to do about it.
Posted: Saturday, April 20, 2019 6:16 AM
Joined: 11/7/2015
Posts: 50

I know what you mean as to a lack of desire on your part. Fortunately, my husband does not have a strong sex drive. I think that my lack of interest is both that the physical act is awkward because he only sort of knows what he’s doing, but it is also that he just does really fill the role of husband and partner in my mind these days. I can’t help but look upon him as my patient and my role is caretaker. 

There is a woman in my support group whose husband is still quite overly sexual towards her. I think she has said that there are some medications which help. Perhaps someone of the forum knows and/or you can ask your doctors about it.

Posted: Saturday, April 20, 2019 6:46 AM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 2267

This is a subject that comes up every so often here. There is nothing wrong with writing about it. It's another problem with dementia. I think it's especially hard with early or younger onset, and it's understandably hard to deal with.
Posted: Saturday, April 20, 2019 6:47 AM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 4999

No one  ever has to have sex with anyone, no matter what the relationship is, or the history or whatever.  

You are totally justified in saying NO.

That being said , and merely as a point of interest, There seems to be a serious gender disparity in complaints about being pressured for sex.  Overwhelmingly here  women complain that demented men want sex and the women don't.   Obviously this plays into all kinds of  cultural stereotypes.  I don't know what is real and what is reporting bias.

In our case DW never lost some kind of desire, and I never lost some kind of affectionate interest.  What she completely lost was the "ability" to participate.  It was in some weird sense  no different from feeding her ice creem with a spoon. She is happy.  I do all the work.   To this day she loves just being touched and held and kissed.    (I've seen racier stuff in High School  hallways)  It always leaves me feeling sad and wistful

Posted: Saturday, April 20, 2019 6:48 AM
Joined: 4/1/2019
Posts: 47

I hope someone who knows what those medicines are will reply to this post.  I am embarrassed to ask the doctor about it but I know I shouldn't be.  So, if anyone out there knows the answer to the medicine question, please let me know.  Thanks!
Kay J
Posted: Saturday, April 20, 2019 9:04 AM
Joined: 12/3/2011
Posts: 220

I know what you are talking about. We’ve been through that phase and thankfully it has passed. DH would ask the doctor to fix me because there was absolutely nothing wrong with him that more sex wouldn’t cure. Almost everything he said was sexually oriented. It was a very awkward and uncomfortable time. Now he has begun calling me mommy, not by my first name or hon or babe as he did for many years, but just mommy. I can’t offer much advice other than to hang in there because it will pass before long.
Posted: Saturday, April 20, 2019 9:10 AM
Joined: 6/5/2014
Posts: 1388

Oddly enough, it is the SSRI antidepressants, such as Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, etc., that can lower libido. However, for some folks, untreated depression is more of an arousal killer, and using these meds can have the opposite effect. 

As for supplements & herbs, chasteberry in small doses reduces prolactin levels (reportedly used by clergy). Hops (a common ingredient in beer) can reduce sex drive, so buy him a case of Pilsener beer. Chinese herbs rehmannia & ligistrum also have proven helpful in libido abatement. 

Several women in my support group with your problem have turned to these remedies since explaining & reasoning just doesn't work.

P.S. Your cat looks like he/she is whistling.

Posted: Saturday, April 20, 2019 9:12 AM
Joined: 4/1/2019
Posts: 47

That is encouraging Kay.  Thanks for your input.  I have been hoping and praying that it would pass and maybe it will soon.  Because I am going through that also ... where almost everything I say somehow leads to some sort of sex response on his part.  It's to the point that I try to avoid talking to him other than when absolutely necessary ... not a way I want to live, but for now have no choice but to do so.
Posted: Saturday, April 20, 2019 9:17 AM
Joined: 4/1/2019
Posts: 47

Thanks for the update on the herbs.  I'm going to see if our local herb store has them.  If they are not harmful (I assume they are not since they are herbs), I will try introducing them with his daily medicines to see if it helps.  Anything is worth a try because I am about to lose my mind!

P.S.  My cat, Jasper, is not whistling but trying to encourage me to give him another round of food in that picture!  He has a insatiable appetite, but that's OK, because he brings me much joy, as does his sister, Holly, in an otherwise depressing time in my life.

Posted: Saturday, April 20, 2019 9:30 AM
Joined: 5/16/2017
Posts: 509

Here is an article about what foods can lower testosterone, which may effect the

result you want.   Please talk to your dr.  There are drugs that lower the sex drive

+ there is no reason you should have to deal with this.

Posted: Saturday, April 20, 2019 4:45 PM
Joined: 4/1/2019
Posts: 47

My DH also threatens divorce on a regular basis.  He has no idea he can no longer care for himself.  He also threatens to go out and get a girlfriend.  At almost 80 years old, good luck with that one.  I just tell him he needs to do whatever makes him happy and he says, "I could get one ... don't you think I can't."  In his day, before this illness, I know he would have had no problem, but he doesn't realize that he can't carry on a real conversation anymore.  Anyway, I am there with you in the "I'm going to file for divorce" arena.  It is infuriating, but I know it isn't really him.  Still, despite what anyone says ... it hurts every single time!

Posted: Sunday, April 21, 2019 9:55 AM
Joined: 7/24/2015
Posts: 579

Peewee and I our intimacy was robbed from us without us even realizing it .. Peewee and I was so closely in tuned with each other from 1997 to 2007, When we took on the raising of 2 of our granddaughters, we put our sex life on hold until my daughter could get on her feet and take her girls back to live with her. The youngest girl was 3 at the time and she had a hard time being away from her mom so at night she would sleep with me, So sex was not possible, Then as the girls got older, and had sleep overs at friends homes, Our sex life didn't return. So I spent a few years hurt, angry, and depressed Thinking Peewee was no longer attracted to me sexually. In 2014 Peewee and I were told He had Alzheimer's.

I miss the intimacy that Peewee and I had, Peewee and I have lived like siblings for so long now, I'm not sure I know how to describe what our relationship is. I love this man with everything I have in me. If I could I would take this away from him.

Peewee has always treated me kind, and loving, and still does today. He shows me in his own way that I am his whole world, as he is mine.

I don't really know how I would react if one day Peewee woke up and wanted Sex again.

This thread has me wondering so I'm going to be asking this question.

Thanks for this topic.


Posted: Sunday, April 21, 2019 10:42 PM
Joined: 9/8/2018
Posts: 155

My husband is still very interested in sex. Almost every day. I think he is still very early in the stages, too.
Posted: Monday, April 22, 2019 6:36 AM
Joined: 3/6/2017
Posts: 2009

Not sure how effective a medication would be. 

Dad went through a phase in stage 5 where he talked about little other than sex. At the time he was taking 60mg Paxil and on androgen deprivation therapy (aka chemical castration)  for a recurrence of prostate cancer. It was awful.
Posted: Wednesday, August 28, 2019 12:50 AM
Joined: 5/7/2018
Posts: 361

My husband has always been very obsessed with sex. He was especially so when he first started on Doneprizil. Now things are totally changed. He is very modest---doesn't want me to see him naked in the shower. He has no sex drive whatsoever. I think it is the antidepressant he is on. I have read that antidepressants cause men to not be able to have sex. That's why many will not take them. See if you can get his doctor to prescribe one.
Jo C.
Posted: Wednesday, August 28, 2019 7:38 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10416

Old Thread from April, so do not be disappointed if the original Posters do not reply.  If you wish; a new topic thread can be started which may get more new input.