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Moving to Memory Care--how to make it easiest.
Posted: Friday, September 13, 2019 12:09 PM
Joined: 9/1/2019
Posts: 9

My husband was doing very well at home but had a steep slide over the summer and is in a geri-psych facility now.  He remembers very little and at my last visit he said "I'd forgotten you exist"-- though he was very glad to see me.  He's getting out of the geri-psych next week and will go memory care. 

He'll come by ambulance from geri-psych I think-- should I be at the memory care place to meet him and help him get settled in?  Are there best practices for this move?  I want him to feel safe and at home there, as much as possible. Any suggestions or experiences would be great to know of.

Posted: Friday, September 13, 2019 12:28 PM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 2766

Welcome to the forums. Sorry you are dealing with this now. I know it's a very hard thing to do. While I have no experience with what you are asking, I'm sure the MC deals with this all the time. Ask them what they recommend for you. They should want the same thing as you - an easy transition.
Posted: Saturday, September 14, 2019 7:38 AM
Joined: 9/1/2019
Posts: 9

Thank you both.  The thing is, it's my husband--so he's going to expect I'll be moving in with him.  (He's in a fog of course so this will come and go, and the minute I leave he'll forget I've been there.)  But I'd love to know how others have managed this.  He's been in and out of different hospitals and skilled nursing facilities for 3 months, and I don't think he has a strong sense of what home is, except that it's with me.
Posted: Saturday, September 14, 2019 9:05 AM
Joined: 11/18/2018
Posts: 173

I placed my wife in MC last spring and had a very hard time with the guilt and grief over doing that.  At the same time, I visited her every day, and I was right there helping her decorate the room when she moved in.  For a time she expected go see me every day, but then I missed a few days and discovered when I went back that she had become more engaged with the activities offered and conversing with other residents.  I cut back a bit on my visits, and finally decided to take an extended vacation to try to get my head and physical health back together after the pain of all this.  I asked friends to visit her and they reported that she has stopped asking about me, although she does ask a bit about the dog (figures), and is much more engaged at the facility.  It's an interesting dynamic -- when I return home next week, do I get re-involved on a daily basis, or just go check on her once a week or so.  Who am I doing the visits for anyway? 

I'm sorry this rambled on, but the point I was trying to make is that being there for the move-in is probably a good idea, but maybe eventually backing away a bit will help your DH settle in.  

Posted: Saturday, September 14, 2019 10:26 AM
Joined: 9/1/2019
Posts: 9

Thank you Mainer (DH is a Mainer too).  I'm so full of grief but also I think he will be happier there-- that he'll feel safe and sheltered by the place, whereas at home he's constantly noticing all he can't do and feeling useless and hopeless.  I've seen too that he does fine in the geri-psych ward and doesn't ask for me, though he's relieved and glad to see me.  I plan to meet him when he arrives at the MC facility and stay with him for a bit, then go back every day at first.  Then I'll see.  I'm glad you took a break for yourself-- the grief of this is draining beyond anything.
Posted: Saturday, September 14, 2019 5:17 PM
Joined: 8/26/2015
Posts: 109

My DH was placed in MC 8 days ago.  I was with him to get settled and MC facility said it would be best if I didn’t come for a few days after that to let him get acclimated.   I honored their request.  They called me every day with a problem.  He went on a Thursday and since Monday I have been every day but everyday he says I haven’t been there since he got there.  My take is you do what is comfortable for you.  He may or may not remember.



Posted: Sunday, September 15, 2019 6:52 AM
Joined: 9/1/2019
Posts: 9

Thank you-- it's great to hear firsthand.  Of course you're right-- he's in geri psych right now and when he sees me he just holds on for dear life but forgets as soon as I leave. It is all too sad.  I hope you and your husband-- and all of us--find peace and comfort.  Any more advice, please send!
Posted: Sunday, September 15, 2019 1:49 PM
Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 71

Thank you for posting as I will be watching this thread carefully.  I am facing this situation soon, and I expect it to be heart wrenching.  I have placed my DH in respite care several times, most recently for 2 weeks.  Although he can't remember much of anything, he does remember when I am coming home and he has his bags packed and is ready to go - like a kid coming home from camp.  

While many of you on this forum seem able to take caregiving much further than I, the time has come - I am ready to release the everyday responsibilities to someone else.  I have turned down placement twice, but will not this time.  Any advice how to transition this huge life shift is really appreciated.  Just the little things that seemed to make a difference for you both.  I want him to be as happy as possible, and I want happiness for myself, too.