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Daughter arrived, Rescue has begun
alz+
Posted: Thursday, May 9, 2019 6:52 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3503


so happy

your support helped me live through winter, divorce, shingles, flu. UTIs, etc etc etc

love you all so much!


Michael Ellenbogen
Posted: Thursday, May 9, 2019 7:23 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2409


 So happy for you. I think it will all be better for you now. If you ever want me to call you after the move let me know. You have all of my contact info. 


Mimi S.
Posted: Thursday, May 9, 2019 8:42 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 7036


Safe trip and new beginnings.
yogi60
Posted: Thursday, May 9, 2019 9:06 AM
Joined: 2/22/2017
Posts: 78


Awesome! Keep us updated on your journey. Big hugs!
jfkoc
Posted: Thursday, May 9, 2019 9:12 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17174


Good!!!!!

Now the adventure begins.....you simply must keep us in the loop...post as often as possible or better yet give someone your tel# and they can post for you while you are on the road.


Iris L.
Posted: Thursday, May 9, 2019 2:22 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16092


Whew! (a big sigh of relief!) From your other post, it sounds like she enjoys taking care of you.  That might be her gift.  Let her operate in her gift.


Iris


a_step@a_time
Posted: Friday, May 10, 2019 1:49 AM
Joined: 11/21/2015
Posts: 207


Good luck Alz+, may every thing transition smoothly!
Jo C.
Posted: Saturday, May 11, 2019 9:20 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 9935


Just stopping by to let you know that you and dear daughter are being thought of today.

 J.


Lane Simonian
Posted: Saturday, May 11, 2019 9:28 AM
Joined: 12/12/2011
Posts: 4545


Wishing you a safe trip, a good journey, and happiness at the destination.
alz+
Posted: Sunday, May 12, 2019 6:25 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3503


After a day of adjusting I saw how competent my daughter is, how she let me give endless "instructions and tips" and then I went to bed and slept.

Had no idea how MUCH easier would be to have competent help. The hourly tension of being responsible for me and dog is gone.

She laughs with me at my way of being, the house is virtually near cleaned out in 3 days and we plan to leave later next week. My son got a rental - a giant SUV and we are bringing some stuff in that and shipping boxes UPS . 

Once I am away from here I will have awhile adjusting to life out there and the heat but I will have help.

My trembling shaking has cleared up. Maybe it was my gut brain crying for help.

I got rescued for Mother's Day!

love and courage


llee08032
Posted: Sunday, May 12, 2019 8:26 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4406



jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, May 12, 2019 9:36 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17174


What a great update! This is a mother's day you will certainly enjoy.
Lane Simonian
Posted: Sunday, May 12, 2019 9:37 AM
Joined: 12/12/2011
Posts: 4545


Wonderful!  A Happy Mother's Day.
Iris L.
Posted: Sunday, May 12, 2019 10:56 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16092


This is so great to know, Alz+! Yes, the operative word is having competent help.  Things are working out for you.  

 

I have spent two busy days in Paris, yesterday at Versailles; today we are going to the champagne country.  Every day is packed with activity and good food.  


I may not post before you begin your cross-country journey.  Have a safe trip, enjoy your competent daughter, and sit back and enjoy the ride.  Every trip may have a few glitches, but I hope you can overlook them.

 

Iris


a_step@a_time
Posted: Tuesday, May 14, 2019 1:16 AM
Joined: 11/21/2015
Posts: 207


Alz+, this is positive! Glad you had a nice Mother's day!
alz+
Posted: Tuesday, May 14, 2019 6:43 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3503


I had meltdown, Mega Meltdown.

Over a box that got moved out to car. It went on and on. Then went sleepless 2 nights in a row, exhaustion, antsy to leave, thinking bad stuff.

I got help by emailing a member here, the embarrassment, the shame - that began to put the breaks on it. I don't have cannabis to smoke like I did that time in desert.

During the sleepless nights I listened to youtube lectures on PTSD recovery. One doctor used a technique with audience members so I tried it at home yesterday and it worked. Pretty much instantly.

We had talked Sunday about how the caregiver driving has to stop when they need to and keep themselves together, so she left the house when my ranting got worse. When she came home I was able to talk with her about it and we got back to love and courage.

I am ashamed of these rants. I am so worn out, we may give up on packing efforts and just leave. I am trying my best to let her decide, people expect a response when they make plans change or ask for something and I usually say "no" in one way or another because it may take me 2 days to process what the change was supposed to be. It is automatic.

anyway, the main thing is L lee has been a particularly helpful member who knows exactly how to make me think or rethink. The kindness from her and others here helped me reach out to my beloved daughter and calm down.

I slept last night. Even the dog is exhausted from my episode.

love and courage


Jo C.
Posted: Tuesday, May 14, 2019 7:30 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 9935


Dear alz+, you are doing the best you can under the circumstances.   Your dear daughter is doing the best she knows how under the circumstances.  She gave you the space you needed at the time of tremendous distress, and you did what you had to do.

Both of you have love and courage.   You will get through this and you will find calm and peace again. 

Perhaps when the feeling of being overwhelmed starts to creep up on you, it may be best to remove oneself from the scene or just do it for the remainder of time at the house until packing is done.   One can retire to one's bedroom or other room and shut the door.  Let daughter do the remaining packing if that works for you.

Each of us is different in how we manage mega upsets.  For me, when I have been in uber-stressful times that seemed over the moon, (house literally torn apart including huge holes in walls in multiple rooms with construction workers and noise), what worked for me was to go to the bedroom, shut the door to shut out everything and everyone else and stay absent from everything going on.  Sometimes I turned on music or used ear phones to block out sound, used relaxation techniques and even crossword puzzles to otherwise occupy my brain.

When I refocus my brain with crosswords or other such items, I find my shoulders, chest, and even my facial muscles relaxing and calming.  Evidently my brain cannot do two exercises at once and by tricking  it into doing puzzle thought, it took away the heightened emotion and anxiety.

What works for one may be different for another; you found your calming exercise and used it and it worked.  Your daughter gave space and that helped both of you.

You are both to be commended.

Using your words which fit so well . . . . LOVE AND COURAGE . . . .

 Peace will find you again,

 J.


alz+
Posted: Thursday, May 16, 2019 6:21 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3503


JFKOC - I had another breakdown. was supposed to have another day but leaving tomorrow morning with 20% done I felt was important to have done.

Have been ranting again - fear of abandonment, not enough time to process rant/abandonment thing. People come in and out without knocking, I am pretty deaf, it scares me. I don't know who is calling me.

My daughter cries and - just like on CGVR board - I beg to be understood, it is leaving my life, the few things that meant something to me, in a hurry. It was up to me to make a bed in back seat which is split into 2 separate seats. I spent yesterday trying to make it comfortable and even it out. 6+ days coming with me back there.

I have officially become the dreaded ALZ person and neighbor who helped me thru winter was saying the deal I made with her about painting inside was asking too much.

I told her to stop bugging me, don't paint if you don't want to. She said "Is this how you want to leave your neighbor? you'll regret it!" I told her to get out before I punch her.

so this is all the trauma of being abandoned and not listened to but it just keeps coming because they keep coming at me trying different "techniques".

I was up at 3am cleaning my bathroom and trying again to pack a suitcase for trip. No room for a lamp, I am the Queen of Bad Dementia now.

My dog is upset and hiding in basement. I never even got to put my name or whatever on a few pieces of furniture. Keeper sent me a text meant for his new girlfriend yesterday and then broke a 14' hole in living room wall and is sharing his horror stories about me with my kids.

I don't want to go to the land of wildfires but my plan is to get in back seat and be silent as possible for trip. No stops for me to "vacation" just straight through because even this was too much for daughter to handle.

so I am really scared and just hope to get to new bedroom and shut door and cry for as long as I need. Just get to the room, close the door, and cry.

I have yelled horrible things at everyone today. I don't think I'll ever recover, but I have thought that many times. There is no going back once family sees this side of pushing me. despair.



alz+
Posted: Thursday, May 16, 2019 7:19 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3503


this is when people are taken to emergency room and put in psych ward.  

Half of what I wrote above is not like "reporting live" true, it is as close as I can get. another neighbor who helped me with feral cat  all winter said "You had a rough winter" and I didn't yell at him for that. He texted that, but it was like treating me as if I were still human.

My daughter is doing things in other room and moving stuff I put down and now can't find but she seems more ... like she is tolerating me  and I fear our relationship which has been long distance for 30 years has gone strange.

Just having this place to organize my experience, editing, rewriting etc has helped. I already feel your acceptance, love, comfort.

the shame. L lee reminded me the other day of motto "forgive yourself fast" and that is ringing in my ears, I  don't know what I am doing, how I am getting to anyplace, how to pack but I did get my dog's stuff set up 2 days ago. 

also front steps fell off deck, everything is an omen


jfkoc
Posted: Thursday, May 16, 2019 8:00 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17174


Time...not enough of it. I think, realistically, it would take 2-3 weeks with your daughter there to accomplish what needed to be done relatively calmly.

Your daughter had no idea how difficult this move was going to be for you. There was no way she could have. She is facing what many of us caregivers have faced...being thrown in at the deep end and not knowing how to swim. She has no experience, no education no idea. It is not your responsibility to provide all of this!

You had no idea how difficult emotionally and logistically this move was going to be either. You are not being abandoned! You have a daughter who is doing all she knows to help you. Unfortunately it does not meet what you need. You need a whole lot of validation.

This is hard...this is fearful...you are not in control of everything/anything...the rug is pulled out from under you. It is horrible feeling but it is a feeling and it is not permanent.

You know you made a decision that was in your best interest. Get in the car, get as comfortable as you can and deep breathe your way to CA.

Hug your daughter....she probably needs some validation too.

We love you and will be with you everyday holding you close so check in often


Amor Fati
Posted: Friday, May 17, 2019 10:11 AM
Joined: 1/9/2016
Posts: 66


Just sent you an email. Traveling with you in thoughts. Your daughter is capable, loving, kind. You are in good hands. All the best.
Jo C.
Posted: Friday, May 17, 2019 1:07 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 9935


jfkoc has written a very loving and insightful post. 

As this is being written, you have already left Michigan and are on your way.   Our love and thoughts are with both you and your daughter.

We shall wait to hear from you, and will check each day to see if you have had time to leave a note while on your journey.

Faith, love and courage,

 J.

  


alz+
Posted: Saturday, May 18, 2019 11:37 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3503


I am in motel in south dakota crying. woke up panicked, crying, remember ing I forgot this, and that, and didn't get ___ done and on and on.

will be another 5 days or more to get this "over with". left my heart medicine and antibiotics in the mess at home. Had to repack 3 or 4 times. Had to build my own bed in back of am suv on the morning we were leaving. every morning I have to search the motel room for everything and have no method to taking meds, the bottles are moved.

I have to haul luggage into motels at night out in morning unsure where my phone is 20 times a day, and I have nothing to read, no way to listen to stuff in car, still in charge of my dog is stressed by the long drives and in and out, up at night to get her walked in strange places.

my kids and the man I am moving in with send me texts, they are thinking I am on vacation, they remind me to be nice to my daughter and remind me how much everyone has done to help me get out there (where I don't want to be). when I get there I have a bed, and boxes shipped, so my room will be another chaotic mess to be cleaned up, by me.

I needed the pressure lifted, a clean house, My husband refused to help me, I divorced him, glad I did but it did not make me feel safe, did not help ,y situation.

this is rant. I never got a vacation, so many things in my life I couldn't finish. It sounds stupid to say that but I have been working since I was 13,  there has never been time for me to relax,

Now because I cry ... more pressure. She has plans so wants to get home too. they keep telling how hard it is on them. I have to learn to live in a new house and blah blah blah. on and on and on.

I see my dog's eyes, she speaks the truth. I understand they did not have to even come to get me. I threatened my neighbor before I left.  I left cat food for another neighbor to feed the feral cat and try to capture it - they put them down because neutering cats does not stop them from eating birds and small animals.

I have no idea what is happening, it is snowing, I didn't bring a coat, thought it was summer. 

all I can say is this is losing game. when it gets harder, more is expected. I am enraged and not allowed to have a breakdown. tried to get myself a coffee at a gas station (!!!) and ended up with guy "helping" me and he added some awful coca thing to it. Waited 3 hours for a cup of coffee, it was not drinkable. It was the highlight of the day.

****

I appreciate the loving support here, am not trying too much to do more than lay on my bed of boxes in car and be silent. I look like a drunk old lady and people treat me like that in the little contact I have with anyone.

weirdly I spent time editing this and checking spelling.  Moving is not a good idea, there are no good ideas. If you don't have support in the beginning it probably won't be there as time goes by. I will never have a place to grieve in private, Now she says she is staying around for a few days at her dad's.

No one taught me how to care for my dad, it was obvious to me. The misunderstanding dooms us. Then we are called ungrateful. It appears I am supposed to be taking care of their feelings and making sure they don't have a hard time with anything.

I could have been put ina care home in Michigan and quit eating, could have had this over with already, missed the chance.

can't imagine being in this car for 5 more days, can't imagine arriving at the house and then having to do more of what I left behind. I don't think I can. Am not getting cbd oil on trip either unless I remember I need it and can't find it. did I take it? where did I put it?

this is ridiculous. expecting me to grateful and look forward to... what they think I ought to want. also can't use cannabis on trip because people are put in jail for it.

I am allowed legally to stand outside in the snow looking insane and smoke a cigarette so that is what I am going to do.

The scenery of South Dakota is beautiful as we speed past it.




Jo C.
Posted: Sunday, May 19, 2019 8:44 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 9935


 Thank you very much for writing.  I think of you often throughout the day.

 Dear Friend, we hear you.

Each day and night, I send up prayers on your behalf.

 You are in our hearts and in our thoughts,

 J.


jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, May 19, 2019 11:17 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17174


It sounds horrible but keep breathing and checking in please.

Dare you say what part of  CA you are going to?

added: My friend just called from Madeline Island. Their is a winter storm advisory  and the ferry has stopped making the trip to Bayfield...water it too rough. That is the storm that is probably affecting South Dakota and you are feeling.


alz+
Posted: Sunday, May 19, 2019 8:26 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3503


Never would have figured this out, but I was awake in dark room using the technique thing to know what you are upset about etc etc and I realized I was grieving alone. I felt no one in my family really understood how difficult this has been, fear stuff, and I was angry "nobody cared" which was the trauma talking about something long ago, not reality, and the anger ended. I finally slept.

Today as we drove through beautiful South Dakota and Wyoming my daughter opened up to me in a way we hadn't before. Things were said that made some worries disappear, alleviated fear. This evening I realized I'm not afraid of her anymore. I never knew I was afraid of her, not in any cruel thing but we hadn't spoken deeply in 30 years and deep down I didn't know her. 

We survived until we could make it right.

The love I feel from people I met here on alzconnected kept me from going dark for years now. I cannot say enough how freaky lucky I am to have dementia during the time of the internet.

Daughter and I are both relaxed with each other this evening more than in many years. Today she knew about not rearranging my stuff and took over my med taking cause I used to turn the bottle upside down on a table by my bed, on trip didn't know if I took them a few times. I also went back on cbd oil.

so I was just like I heard about people with ALZ behaving in the worst ways. I realized I needed to know her again to feel safe with my compromised brain. We both needed to reach out to each other for years but never had the nerve or something.

the guidance here kept me going in a better direction which I counted on but I never expected to feel like I have my daughter back in my life again. It is wonderful! I've been alone so long and divorced last year and have had no daily help. It is wonderful.

I was more authentic using that ptsd technique, focus on being authentic, I had forgotten who I was. My brain has been stuck on trauma for a long time. miracle.

going to sleep now.  3 more days.

love and courage



Michael Ellenbogen
Posted: Monday, May 20, 2019 6:43 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2409


I really don’t know what to say but I know it will get a bit easer with each day that goes by. I know this must be so hard for you as I would have taught time. I had a meltdown just waiting for food on the weekend at a very busy restaurant. 


Jo C.
Posted: Monday, May 20, 2019 9:04 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 9935


So glad you slept and are well on your way to Northern California. 

You will arrive on May 22, which if I am recalling correctly, is your birthday.  I seem to remember that as my birthday is on the 23rd.

Continue to think of you, saying prayers on your behalf and so glad to hear from you and how the journey is going each day.

 Soft hug,

 J.


jfkoc
Posted: Monday, May 20, 2019 4:33 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17174


keep the reports coming please and get a weekly box for your meds...that is the only way to keep track...fill it up once a week and stop worrying
Iris L.
Posted: Tuesday, May 21, 2019 7:40 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16092


Alz+, it was good to read that you and your daughter opened up and shared so deeply.  Now that you have broken the ice with each other, more empathy will come, on both sides.  

 

Travel can be hard on anyone.  Give yourselves, both of you, more leniency.  You are not on vacation, but you might think of appreciating each moment for what it is.  Keep focusing on the stress-relief techniques you have learned.  Relieving stress and anxiety will put you on a different level of feeling.  


Keep taking deep breaths. Remember, YOU were the one who taught us to observe with curiosity what we fear.  Pull up that technique.  It works.  


Iris


alz+
Posted: Wednesday, May 22, 2019 8:17 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3503


thank God so many people remembered things I said cause I forgot it and it is helpful.

JoC yes, birthday today!

***

My daughter took us - despite my nervous anxious doubtful protests - on a highway in Utah which goes to Reno. An hour with no other cars to be seen. We stopped in the desert and took photos.

I had prayed ("set an intention" to non religious) for this trip to be enough time for me to become more grateful for this move and less weeping over lost past life. When we finally got out of traffic and onto this road I had a chance to let go of more fear and I took it.

The night before I listened to more of the the Dr Mate' talks, this one on ( !!! ) when fear comes up, examine it. When did it first appear, circumstances, etc etc and to use logic to come up with reasons other than negative life long stuff for people to be acting the way they are and then assume, for the moment, the most innocent one is true.

We were by then in Nevada which is a legal state and we smoked some kush which she had kept for "the right moment". At same time rain clouds formed over hills in distance and I told her I never felt so loved as her coming all the way back to Michigan for me and driving me all the way out there so I could bring my dog. 

Then I got a text from Habib, her Dad, telling me how he sits in my room and can't wait for me to be back where I belong, with him, and how he wants to give me the care and freedom I never had.

The tears! The rain! the solitude and everything - more connection between all of us, now looking forward to being in my room.

Kind of can't remember the mess left behind. My mind is locking onto destination.

I might have run away or done something bad without the board reminders, calm down, focus forward, you have same friends here, etc.  !!!!

****

Just found ATTACHMENTS button and figured out way to maybe share photo

will be at destination Thursday. Daughter took short day yesterday so I had all afternoon in motel, we got food at grocery to cook in room, never had to leave.

Like Michael said in another post, the getting ready part is incredibly annoying and frustration with Time and Waiting makes travel and other things seem impossible.

****

I understand now how caregivers would not be able to understand the root cause of rages, and help us calm down. What happens more often seems to be stoking the fire and then I have read about dementia people being put on psyche wards, dosed up, and released days later forever shutdown. I can understand how trying to handle someone like me, or a large man with rage! being so frightening they would do this.

these are primal events, one key to healing is having a Compassionate Listener instead of the uninvolved therapy type. 

The rain my daughter said was like being baptized (she is agnostic). We are still traveling this back road today and tomorrow make the break for new home. I thank my saints and guardian angel for this trip and the courage to face things and open my heart again. 

Totally exhausted, would like to visit people along the way, not sure I can do it. I am editing this to make it readable as my daughter gets another eye of sleep.  wish I could convey how to work with fears better, ptsd people have dramatic relief.

Cannot thank all of you enough. You helped me thru a divorce and difficult winter and  the escape. I love you so much.

love and courage


File Attachment(s):
eva margery desert.jpg (152252 bytes)

Jo C.
Posted: Wednesday, May 22, 2019 10:06 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 9935


Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday to you!  Your Post was delightful to read; the desert experience sounded lovely, I could even imagine the smell of the brush and sand.

 And . . . the photo of you and your dear daughter, beautiful!  The two of you together is just so sweet, thank you.   And alz+, I love your sunglasses; you are just too awesomely cool.

Tomorrow you will be "home," and settling into your own room and spaces with a warm welcome from your new housemate.  Since tomorrow is my birthday, that will be a terrific gift to hear that you are there; journey accomplished.

Also, once again, thank you so very much for writing and keeping us Posted, we do look for your Posts each day.

Tonight, the Message Board will be offline from 8:30 pm to 2:00 am Central Time for a scheduled maintenance; but you can bet we will be looking for your next message after your arrival home.

With many happy birthday wishes and a big soft hug coming your way,

 J.


Michael Ellenbogen
Posted: Wednesday, May 22, 2019 11:02 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2409


Happy Birthday!
Iris L.
Posted: Wednesday, May 22, 2019 11:15 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16092


Your photo: two cool"roadies" on the way to new life in CA!


Happy Birthday, Alz+!  


Things are looking up.  May you enjoy your day.  May you continue your safe journey to your new home in two days.


It's chilly today; don't throw out your Michigan clothes yet! 


Iris


Lane Simonian
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 6:12 PM
Joined: 12/12/2011
Posts: 4545


Happy belated Birthday alz+ and Happy Birthday Jo C.

I am glad that your journey West in nearly over alz+.  I hope that you enjoyed your trip over Donner Pass.  I, too, loved the picture of you and your daughter.