RSS Feed Print
Grieving way too much.
markus8174
Posted: Thursday, October 11, 2018 7:25 AM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 689


Just need to vent a little. We had to euthanize our cat yesterday. This loss is tearing me up way more than I expected. I've had many other pets- I loved each of them-and had to have almost all of them euthanized to prevent prolonged suffering. I think I've figured out why this one is effecting my so strongly. I see so many parallels between my kitty and my DW. Both had a incurable illness that day-by-day took everything joyful  from them. I felt helpless to comfort my furry friend and feel the same for my DW. With the kitty we watched and intervened  with expensive and largely useless treatments. Both my DW an I spent every day of 3 1/2 months grieving over our kitty as he slowly deteriorated. All that grief is stored up in our souls and will have to resolve in time. For me the process is harder. In the little pocket of my soul where I hide my grief is my anguish over my DW's illness. That seems to have gotten all tangled up with the sadness over the death of my cat. That loss seems to have opened the flood gates where I keep my pain. I can't start to recover because I'm still suffering the loss of my wife day after day. I'm not sure why God chose this time to take my cat from me, he was fairly young,  but if the pain I'm feeling now is any indication I won't be long behind my wife when she goes to her final reward. I can't "talk to someone" because my DW has reached the stage where I can only leave her alone for brief periods at a time. She becomes anxious and depressed for a day or two if I am out of sight for more than a few minutes, even to do our yard work.

 WOW! downer of a post. I'll try to be more positive in the future.  


llee08032
Posted: Thursday, October 11, 2018 7:48 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4405


Say what you feel Markus. I'm so sorry for your'e loss. I understand how the floodgates are opened to other losses when we grieve our pets. Be comforted by the tender loving care you and your DW provided for your precious kitty. He/she knew you were there loving him/her. 
Jim Broede
Posted: Thursday, October 11, 2018 8:50 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


I’m thinking.  At the moment, Markus. About how you’ve been blessed. You may not believe it. While in the depths of grief and despair. But the fact. That you have loved so deeply. Dearly. Unconditionally. Is what will pull you through. You’ll learn to focus on the good times. The memories.  The bliss. That comes with love. That will always live. Inside you. In a spiritual way.  You won’t have lost your wife. Or your cat. Your love for them. Won’t be diminished. It will be enhanced. As you get on. With the rest of your life. It’s not over. Maybe just beginning. In the most meaningful way. Give it time. I’ve been where you are. Believe me. I’m still in love.  With life. You are, too. You know. Now follow your blessed destiny. You are a lucky fellow. There is more love to come. Life isn’t over. Not by a longshot. --Jim


jfkoc
Posted: Thursday, October 11, 2018 9:02 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18856


Marcus....it can hurt so much and I do not think we have any control over grief
ruthmendez
Posted: Thursday, October 11, 2018 10:10 AM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2309


Markus, I've been thinking of you lately wondering how things are going....now I know.  I'm sorry about this, and I really don't know what to say.  Just keep posting, and we can try to offer whatever words could help...

Yes, your cat was young, but as you are a believer in God, I do think weird things happen for a reason.  Sometimes we think it's cruel and why now why that....well, we won't know for certain.  But I feel, that life has to be as is, and God arranges things around a bit to fit timing of events for a reason; we won't know the reason until the time comes. 

I hope you can find a way to carry through the waves and keep hanging on until it smooths out again. 

I'm glad you posted, even though it's a downer.  Hey, that's life.  There are downers, but I still hope for an upper.

 


Jim Broede
Posted: Friday, October 12, 2018 1:37 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


jfkoc wrote:
Marcus....it can hurt so much and I do not think we have any control over grief

 

We can take control over lots of human emotions. Maybe even grief. At least we can shorten the duration of grief.  We can overcome it. If we work at it. By getting on with life. Ain't easy. But it's do-able. --Jim 


Jim Broede
Posted: Friday, October 12, 2018 2:04 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


By the way, Markus. The very title of this thread. Is an indication. That you recognize your problem. Yes. You are grieving too much. Recognition is the first step toward solving the problem. --Jim


Jim Broede
Posted: Friday, October 12, 2018 2:34 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


 

Grieving isn’t new for me. I’ve grieved. Sometimes for weeks and months. Over the loss of every pet I’ve ever had. They have been closer to me than some of my dear friends.  The last one to go.  Was my cat, Loverboy. I shed tears. Daily. For a week or two. Took me two months. Before I adopted a kitten. Marcello.  He’s now loved just as much as Loverboy. He’s a genuine loverboy, too.  Life goes on . My wife Jeanne died of Alzheimer’s. Ten years ago. Now I have an Italian  amore, Cristina. Met her on the message boards. Right here in Musings. Her mother had Alzheimer’s.  Now I live with Cristina. Much of the year. She’s with me. Here in Minnesota. Every summer.  I live with Cristina. In Sardinia. For two months. In the winter. We also travel together. In Europe. In the USA.  All over.  Keeps us on the go. No time for grieving. We're both in love. With life. --Jim

 


Jim Broede
Posted: Friday, October 12, 2018 6:18 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


I find it necessary to overcome grief. One way or another. I have an overwhelming desire to savor life. To find happiness. At least for a few precious moments. That maybe seem like an eternity. Love does it for me. --Jim
markus8174
Posted: Tuesday, October 16, 2018 7:12 PM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 689


Still hard. It's been a week today and I still tear up when I see my kitty's favorite toy or shake the treat bag and only his step sister comes running. I didn't grieve this much when my mother or father died. I'm sure it's because of the similarities between watching helplessly while my cat deteriorated over a few months and watching my wife slipping away when nothing I can do seems to slow it down any more. I'm pre-grieving for the loss of the woman I have shared my life with for 35 years. In many ways she is already gone from me just as my cat was when he spent the last few weeks of his illness behind the couch. Both my kitty and my wife look(ed) to me with fear in their eyes begging me to fix what I can do nothing about. That, and the fact that I'm retired now and have no one to talk to but my friends on this site. The other kitties have always bonded mostly to my wife. I'm a distant second choice. My kids are just an aggravation in that they do nothing with their mother or me despite our having always been there for them. The rest of my family are so NUTS it is emotionally draining just to talk with them on the phone.  Well, that's how life is going for now. Thank you to all your support and kind words.
Space within
Posted: Tuesday, October 16, 2018 9:43 PM
Joined: 10/7/2018
Posts: 70


Markus I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your kitty.  It sometimes seems good when i let tears come out and release them.  Similar to cleansing and setting down a very heavy weight that I've been holding on to. Just let the tears and sadness flow through you and out...make space for the love , if you can and/or want.

 I am grateful the message boards are here for us all to support each other.  


Jim Broede
Posted: Tuesday, October 16, 2018 10:15 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


Cats and other pets. Are more than cats and other pets. They have proper names. Often affectionate terms. Please tell us the names of your beloved cats, Markus. I don't call my cats, cats. They all have names. Such as Loverboy, Marcello, Zlatinka, Vaclav,  Buchta. Many of them are Czech names. With real meaning, --Jim
Jim Broede
Posted: Tuesday, October 16, 2018 10:37 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


Focus on your departed cat's step sister, Markus. She needs your attention. Your loving. Focus on the living. Bring in another cat or two. Talk to them. And listen, too. They converse, you know. Learn cat language.  It comes easy. It'll keep you occupied. And relieve some of the grief. You are still very much alive. And you can still be happy. --Jim
markus8174
Posted: Wednesday, October 17, 2018 6:21 AM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 689


My kitty's name was Melvin. He was originally named Melody after the street we picked him up on in a garage sale, but when we took her in to get her spayed she turned out to be a he. He was a great cat- not a lap kitty, but had to be touching his people whenever they were in the room, often with just the tip of one paw, but touching.  He loved to watch TV- but always upside down on his back. He had his own pets-an aquarium that he would sit and watch for hours. He never threatened the fish- he would just put his paw on the glass and watch as they came over to see what it was, then he would move his paw to a new spot and wait for them to follow it. He was the house keeper of the kitty-cat-clan in that he would always follow his sisters into the litter box and bury for them. He was very particular about that.   Food was his major joy in life. He got up to 25lbs before we had to put him on diet food (he resented that!). Even then it took 2 years to get him down to 20lbs. His nick name was "Tubba Bubba Buddy". He was love wrapped in fur and losing that love from our lives has been the hardest thing I've lived through in the last 50 years. I have many happy memories of my furry friend, but memory isn't what the heart wants.
jfkoc
Posted: Wednesday, October 17, 2018 9:21 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18856


You have just made me a cat lover. Wish I had met Melvin.
Andrew60
Posted: Wednesday, October 17, 2018 10:30 AM
Joined: 7/17/2017
Posts: 342


Thanks for sharing with us, and you and your wife will be in my prayers.

Grieving is an individual experience, and no one can tell you how to grieve, or for how long.

Im not a cat person, but I do have Buddy my comfort dog, and your feelings of loss relays how I would feel if he were to die. I have had a few dogs before, and death is always hard, but Buddy, that would be off the meter on how bad it would affect me.

I hope throughout the rest of the journey with your wife you will have many, many more days and years together.


Jim Broede
Posted: Wednesday, October 17, 2018 12:27 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


Eventually, Markus, you’ll be able to talk about Melvin without tearing up. I sense that it’s already happening. Grief. It lifts gradually. As you get on with life. Melvin will remain in your life. In very special ways. You’ll find solace. Rather than tears. In thinking of him. Life is for the living. You will honor Melvin. By allowing him to live inside you. In the spirit of love.  Have you noticed? Melvin is still very much alive. In spirit. That’s an offshoot of genuine love. Embrace it. Savor it. --Jim


jfkoc
Posted: Friday, October 26, 2018 8:29 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18856


Checking for an update...hope you are feeling better Markus
markus8174
Posted: Sunday, October 28, 2018 4:44 PM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 689


Still working through it. Dropped my kitty's meds off at a low cost vet who has been very good to me and my furry family-that helped some. She assured me there are ample opportunities to repurpose those meds. I wish we could do the same for human medicine. Woke up dreaming I was trying to find an emergency vet to save my buddy. It's hard when it sneaks up on you through your subconscious. The other kitties seem to be over the loss, back to their old selves. The best news is, although my DW still remembers our cat has passed, she seems to be over the grieving faster than I feared. Still sad from time-to-time, but it's not as sharp for her as it is for me. I still think it may be because I'm anticipatory grieving for my DW as I grieve for my cat. That, and I don't have anyone to really mourn with. I don't want this loss to set my wife back any more than it must. Thank you all for your kind thoughts and warm wishes.
Amor Fati
Posted: Sunday, October 28, 2018 10:44 PM
Joined: 1/9/2016
Posts: 86


Dear Markus, I read your beautiful posts about your beloved kittie. You touched my heart. We are also cat lovers. Actually, Opie is an important member of the caregiving team. When my DH lies down for a nap, Opie lies right next to him and purrs him to sleep. When DH sits in his recliner, Opie cuddles up right next to him and purrs. Opie calms him and allows him to pet him all he wants. Such a sweet companion.

So sorry you lost your buddy. He was a very special cat for you to care so deeply. You will carry him in your heart forever. Thank you for sharing your buddy’s story. Hugs coming your way.


markus8174
Posted: Monday, October 29, 2018 7:20 PM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 689


Amor Fati wrote:

Dear Markus, I read your beautiful posts about your beloved kittie. You touched my heart. We are also cat lovers. Actually, Opie is an important member of the caregiving team. When my DH lies down for a nap, Opie lies right next to him and purrs him to sleep. When DH sits in his recliner, Opie cuddles up right next to him and purrs. Opie calms him and allows him to pet him all he wants. Such a sweet companion.

So sorry you lost your buddy. He was a very special cat for you to care so deeply. You will carry him in your heart forever. Thank you for sharing your buddy’s story. Hugs coming your way.

Isn't it amazing how much comfort these furry little balls of distain add to our lives! I like most animals, but cats are my favorite. Most dogs give love with little or no effort on the part of the person. If a cat loves you can say "I must be lovable, mittens jumped on my lap and purred!" Cats give us quiet comfort without the attention seeking boisterousness of most of the canine set. Plus they are easier. No let-the-dog-in...let-the-dog-out, keep it out of the cat food, keep it out of the cat litter, treat it for heartworm prevention, get it it's license, bath, groomer.... Cats, leave out an extra litter box and a second bowl of food and water and you can go away for a long weekend with only minor snubbing when you get back. They ask so little of us and give back so much.--- Great, now I'm tearing up again. 

Jim Broede
Posted: Tuesday, October 30, 2018 4:49 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


Interesting. How tears of sorrow.  Eventually become tears of joy. --Jim
Rosie Gamgee
Posted: Friday, November 2, 2018 3:24 PM
Joined: 10/12/2018
Posts: 21


Melvin sounds like a wonderful cat! I'm so sorry for your loss. I will be a mess when I lose either of my two cats, I do love them so. They are seniors now and I do think about losing them. It will be really hard. My mother is dealing with ALZ and living with me now. Her loss will be terrible for me but we are okay right now.

Prayers for you, Markus, as you walk through this time of grief. I am so sorry. <3


LizzieC
Posted: Thursday, November 8, 2018 1:44 PM
Joined: 3/28/2018
Posts: 307


 Markus,

I just now saw your post about your kitty.  I had been wondering about Melvin since you last posted about the illness.  Just know as a cat (and dog) lover, I get it.  The cat in my profile picture was a great buddy and it has been 10 years ago since he went over the rainbow bridge. His name was Bubba and he was a 24lb Maine Coon.  He would have thought your Melvin was cool!  My condolences.  Hope in time you will find another kitty to bond with and ease the loneliness.


ruthmendez
Posted: Friday, November 9, 2018 10:20 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2309


LizzieC, whenever I see Bubba, I fall in love.  He is so cute.  24 lb is twice my cat's size.  I'm wondering what she is, because she too, has long fur.  Kinda looks like your Bubba.  I bought her at the pet shop when she was a kitten.  The colors of her fur are so mixed.  She has orange (and kinda reddish), brown, dark brown, and tan patches, with some stripes here and there.  

I sometimes wonder if she has some Siberian genes because once I get her into the shower, she can handle it....other cats will climb, but she just sits there and whines a bit.  Not too much. 

I suspect even with the fore drama with the idea of bathing, she actually likes it.  Maybe she's trying to fit with the cat crowd, but the truth, she loves the bath and doesn't want to show it.

She's 14 years....I love that cat. Cookie.  

I always tell her, "we share a moment in time...."

 


abc123
Posted: Sunday, November 11, 2018 8:50 AM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 1099


I’m sorry about Melvin. He was a really cool cat. 

Two months ago I had to euthanize two of my beloved dogs. I got Maddie as a puppy, adopted her on a Christmas Eve years ago. I adopted Bitsy from our local animal shelter. I had her for two years. I miss them everyday. My senior dog misses them too.


markus8174
Posted: Wednesday, November 21, 2018 6:13 AM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 689


My God, it has been over 6 weeks since we lost our kitty Melvin, and I found myself in tears again this morning for over an hour! I can't believe how difficult it is to get over the death of a stupid cat. What happens when my DW physically dies? (she is already fading fast as the person I have loved). I don't know if I will ever recover. It may be easier- I don't know. With a person you have the hope of  an eternal existence of peace and joy. With an animal I can find no such reassurance. Even the Pope has said animals we love "may" have a place in eternity. I find no place in scripture that that is promised. If that is true, how many souls of angry cows, chicken, pigs, fish, are going to be accusing me at judgement. I have come to respect my father so very much more. When he lost our mother, his partner of 50 years,  he grieved of course, but after a few weeks, he got on with his life. I thought my father was one of the most emotionally screwed-up people I have ever known, but in dealing with loss he seems to have a well of strength that I can't find in myself. I keep screaming at myself: IT WAS A CAT-GET OVER IT! but the heartbreak just keeps coming back to bite me. I think I'm nuts!
ruthmendez
Posted: Wednesday, November 21, 2018 6:59 AM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2309


you're not nuts. Melvin helped you have something special going on and was your escape from the life you have now. I do believe animals can go to some cat or dog heaven. Supposedly people have heard or seen animal ghosts....Anyway, have you dreamt of Melvin yet?
markus8174
Posted: Wednesday, November 21, 2018 9:15 AM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 689


I dream of frantically searching for a vet to rush to so we can save Melvin's life. There is no one open to help and he is dying in my arms. That is what woke me in tears this morning. I'm just want to get to where I can celebrate his memory with fondness instead of pain. I still believe this overwhelming grief I'm feeling is bound up with my repressed mourning for the loss of my DW. She is still with me (somewhat) so grieving seems inappropriate, but I feel the grief. Melvin's death seems to have tapped into that dark well.  



ruthmendez
Posted: Wednesday, November 21, 2018 10:05 AM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2309


I understand you don't want to grieve around your wife.  But, you have to grieve.  For everything that is going on. 

You need to have someone near you to talk to.  Just talk.  Even though I goof around these forums, I still am part of a local support group.  I go once a month. 

Just listening to others and others listening to me helps.  And, I even talk about it with my co-workers, neighbors, I talk.  Maybe sometimes I talk too much, but I do express my frustrations and stuff like that.  It really helps and we have more of a connection that way. Expressing who we are and not caring about showing our emotions.

I can imagine losing a spouse is worse than losing a parent.  So, imagine how much more difficult this is for you than for me.

I really recommend visiting some support groups, if you haven't already.  There are some you can bring your wife to also. 

You need to express everything you're going through.  Out loud if you have to.

 

 



jfkoc
Posted: Wednesday, November 21, 2018 10:21 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18856


Grief a dark well. Yes it can be and you are really in a dark place right now. You will not remain there forever but I know that my experience with the well changed me forever.

Going through that change was something I really had to do alone. Support people yes but the path was mine alone.

This is for the most part a very safe place to grieve. We are here to listen. Most of us do understand the emotions you are going through that may be focused on your dear pet but whose roots are deeper.


Jim Broede
Posted: Wednesday, November 21, 2018 2:07 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


ruthmendez wrote:
you're not nuts. Melvin helped you have something special going on and was your escape from the life you have now. I do believe animals can go to some cat or dog heaven. Supposedly people have heard or seen animal ghosts....Anyway, have you dreamt of Melvin yet?

 

Look at is this way, Markus. I’m nuts. But in a nice way. I grieve more for my pets. Than I did for some close relatives. When my mother died. I didn’t cry.  When my cat Loverboy died, I cried for weeks. I’ll shed a tear even now. Years later. Because I’m nuts. But it’s a nice nuts. That’s the way I look at you, Markus. In a very nice way. You are entitled to be nuts. With what you re going through.  What with your wife and all. You are nuts because you truly care. About the significant elements of life. If you didn’t care, you’d have little or no remorse. You’re a decent fellow, Markus. Even when you are nuts. You’ll learn to take it all in stride. You have to. If you want to get on with precious, meaningful life. Good life. Sometimes comes in a nutty fashion. Truth be told. We’re all a little nutty. Here on the message boards. Some, like me, more so than others. My best friends are very, very nuts. That’s why I like them. They aren't afraid to occasionally go bonkers. Often in joyous ways. --Jim

 

 


jfkoc
Posted: Wednesday, November 21, 2018 3:38 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18856


Come on... grieving for something lost no matter when is not nuts.
Jim Broede
Posted: Wednesday, November 21, 2018 4:21 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


jfkoc wrote:
Come on... grieving for something lost no matter when is not nuts.

 

 

 

 

You miss my point, Judith. There’s a good crazy. A bad crazy, too. And a good and bad nuts. Going crazy or going nuts can be taken in two very different ways. One with good connotations. And one with bad connotations. If certain people call me crazy or nuts, I could easily take that as a compliment. That I’m being myself. In a rollicking good way. That’s the way I want Markus to start thinking of himself.  Be crazy. Be nuts. If he must. That’s no shame. In the long run, it’ll do him good. To be flexing his emotions. Sometimes I call my Cristina Crazy Cristina. She sees the funny side of being ‘crazy.’  It’s very endearing. A compliment coming from Crazy Jim. As for you Judith, I suspect you are at your best when allowing yourself to be Crazy Judith.  You are truly good crazy, you know. That’s one of your saving graces. –Crazy Jim

 

 

 

 

 


markus8174
Posted: Thursday, November 22, 2018 8:04 AM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 689


jfkoc wrote:
Come on... grieving for something lost no matter when is not nuts.
 
Markus: I used the term "nuts" to express the feeling that I am stuck is excessive grieving that is interfering with my desire to think if my kitty with fond and happy memories. It's dysfunctional at least. At this point in my life time is precious. I cannot waste a day on sadness that I can enjoy with happiness while my DW is still, to some extent,  with me. It isn't long before she is going to be gone to the nonverbal, diaper clad,  La La land that awaits so many of our loved ones with this disease. Wasting a day, or now a couple of months, grieving over a cat is definitely nuts- not mentally ill- just nuts.