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...to save herself.
Jim Broede
Posted: Sunday, October 19, 2014 5:35 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


I have a friend. That I want to save. From herself. Nothing more difficult than that. I’ve written about her before. She’s been a care-giver. For a long time. Carrying a heavy burden of guilt. That she’s not doing enough. She won’t admit it. But she wants to make the ultimate sacrifice. Killing herself. In the care-giving process. Some might call her a saint. I call her stupid and crazy and reckless. In dire need of psychiatric help. I’d like to tell her that. But maybe she would take offense. And break off the friendship. I’ve proposed rallying many of her closest friends.  For an intervention. Maybe if we come together. We can persuade her…to save herself. –Jim
w/e
Posted: Sunday, October 19, 2014 9:58 PM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 1751


Jim... I am not familiar with your previous entries. In my humble opinion, from what I've read here in this very brief post, your very dear friend is neither a saint nor stupid, nor crazy, nor reckless.

 

Stop and think.

 

(1) She is who she is.

(2) She is doing her do.

(3) She is free.

 

Comfort her. Reassure her. Don't lecture her. Guide her. Love her. Be there.

 

She is not a child. She is an adult. She is a free agent. She is not harming anyone. She is not suicidal. She is not suffering from depression. She is not suffering from symptoms of dementia. She is not bi-polar. It seems to me that in your opinion she is suffering from too much 'guilt' and too much 'sacrifice.' Am I interpreting this correctly?

 

Could it be that maybe she feels somewhat more complete when she begins to sacrifice ?? (Yikes. I don't like the word 'sacrifice' when describing the loving human act of being a caretaker / a caregiver / a  care-partner 24/7/365)...  Perhaps for her to sacrifice is what gives her comfort.   Sacrificing brings some semblance of peace to her aching heart. Even when she feels that her best is not good enough.

 

Some people are just like that. Dependable. One can unconditionally, totally and completely depend / rely on them. To be doing something for her LO is what gives meaning to life to your friend... Maybe.

 

 Pain. Anguish. Sorrow.

Calm and peace.

Fleeting moments of laughter and joy. 

 All part of life.

Yes, there is pain, anguish and sorrow in people. Even if now some of us are rejoicing. And totally in love with life. Wine. Roses.

 

You seem to want to give your friend a greater taste for life and possibly help her in "changing somewhat" her emotional life with the help of a psychiatrist (and possibly meds)...  Is that what she would want? Therapy sometimes help. Sometimes it doesn't help.

 

 Why do you want to have your friend see what you see?

 Hear what you hear?

 Feel what you feel?

 Smell what you smell?

To experience what you experience?

Why do you want to 'interfere and manage' her own sense of being?

 

 Your friend will keep trying to do the ultimate loving act of care for her LO until her last breath. For some, it may appear pathological. For her... she is doing her do. If that is what she wants to do, no-one will be able to stop her.

 

You want to save her from herself. What is she doing that is so very wrong?!

 

 Oh! She is 'sacrificing' too much for her LO. And she feels guilty that her best is not good enough. Been there, done that! Nothing wrong with it! Even after my LO died I've continued to feel guilty! And I've survived. I bet you, she will survive too.

 

  Just be there for her. Hug her and hold her hands.  Give her and her LO all the love in your heart and, of course, your acceptance and support.

 

In due time, with your example and your enduring love, her aching heart will become whole. In my opinion.


Jim Broede
Posted: Sunday, October 19, 2014 10:46 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


 

 

An overworked, hard-driven, guilt-ridden care-giver is a danger, w/e. Not only to the patient. But to herself. That’s my friend. She’s allowing her physical, mental and emotional health to deteriorate. She’s losing weight. Losing sleep. She’s in mental anguish. Does not exude good vibes. As a care-giver, she may be doing more harm than good. And she doesn’t recognize it. She’s a lovely and decent human being. But she’s losing control over her life. In my opinion, she’s headed for a nervous collapse, or worse. What good is she if that happens? Little wonder that some (too many) care-givers die before their patient. Care-giving, especially for Alzheimer’s, ain’t easy. It’s all right to admit defeat. And get help.  For one’s self.  That’s what she needs to do.  I want her around for the long haul. Alive and well. It’s time for an intervention. Time for her to see the light. I don’t want her to have the freedom to commit suicide. Of course, it won’t be called suicide. She’ll merely die of natural stress-related causes. Because she didn’t take care of herself. If that happens, she was a lousy care-giver. Really. -Jim

 


Jim Broede
Posted: Monday, October 20, 2014 4:30 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


Believe me, she's on a slippery slope. Starting to drink, too. Her new-found medication. --Jim
Jim Broede
Posted: Monday, October 20, 2014 4:54 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


 

More care-givers should acknowledge that they lack the ability to cope.  On their own. And that they need help. Counseling. Or whatever it takes. It’s time for society to recognize the problem.  And to do something meaningful about it. --Jim


w/e
Posted: Monday, October 20, 2014 10:43 AM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 1751


Jim, wise old pine-tree, you speak wisdom.

I agree.

Your very dear friend needs help.

I hope help comes to her soon in one way or another.

I hope help is offered carefully.

  Respectfully. Gracefully. Gently.

I hope her heart receives it with a feeling of thankful appreciation.

   Lovingly. Calmly. Peacefully.

I hope. I hope. I hope.

There is joy at the beginning and at the end.


Jim Broede
Posted: Monday, October 20, 2014 11:05 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


You are a refreshing and kind and gentle human being, w/e. --Jim