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Stuck choosing between wife or mom
Posted: Friday, December 4, 2020 9:53 AM
Joined: 12/4/2020
Posts: 2

I'm married to go a good person but she constantly makes me choose between our family ( 1 baby and 1 on  the way) and helping my sister (married, 2 young kids) care and find options for Mom who was diagnosed with FTD in September 2020. She constantly gets in the way of my helping my mom. I feel she is jealous that i try to spend a little time helping with mom and not giving her 100% of my attention. I'm so stressed because of moms diagnosis and wife making me choose her or mom. What do I do?
Posted: Sunday, December 6, 2020 10:12 AM
Joined: 7/17/2020
Posts: 243

Normally, I would say to stick with your spouse. You are obligated to her. However, you are also obligated to your mother. She took care of you and now you need to help take care of her. It is selfish and unfair, especially in this case, for your wife to make you choose. If I was in your situation, I would constantly reassure my wife of my love for her. Let her know that helping with your mother does not diminish your love for her. Tell her that you need her support in what you are doing for your mother. Maybe even try to involve her in your mother's care. Making her a part of it might reduce her negative feelings about the situation.
Posted: Monday, December 7, 2020 1:41 PM
Joined: 11/22/2019
Posts: 396

Being told or shown that you are expected to make a choice between two very important people with many needs in your life is beyond stressful.

I don't have useful suggestions to make the situation less stressful for any of you.

Your sister indeed needs help with caring for your mother.  Your mother needs care.

Your wife indeed needs attention and help with caring for your nuclear family.

YOU need support to fill your multiple roles as a wife, parent and daughter. 

Perhaps consider family therapy to help you all balance everyone's needs during this time?

I hope you are able to return to this forum and receive support.


Posted: Thursday, May 20, 2021 9:49 AM
Joined: 4/19/2021
Posts: 2

I am in a somewhat similar position.  My mom moved in with my wife and I in January after spending 4 months with my brother and his wife. Mom did not like living there and had meltdowns daily.  She is doing pretty well with us, however she does not let me out of her sight for the most part.  My wife and I own a business and it is difficult for me to help her as mom is not an early riser and leaving her alone is not really an option.  I do not have family close by to help and mom is very distrustful of people she does not know.  Our schedules have been totally tossed like a salad and I am struggling with trying to appease them both. My wife's mom comes to stay with us occasionally and gives us a little time to spend together but my mom gets jealous and is not very pleasant to my mother in law ( who by the way is also starting to go down the memory loss tunnel ) and it creates more issues.   We are supposed to go to Florida in October  for my wifes birthday but with mom here I am at a loss of what to do.....guess I just needed a moment to vent!
Posted: Friday, May 21, 2021 12:31 AM
Joined: 5/17/2021
Posts: 3


Hi JM111,

I realize your post was almost six months ago. So I am not sure if your question has been resolved either by others, time, or your own troubleshooting. I am new here to the forum, but if it is helpful at all perhaps the following:

  • Asking what your wife is concerned about most – losing you, not feeling loved, taking care of the kids etc. – this conversation can be eye opening and bonding because at a minimum you are showing care with a willingness to understand
  • Based on the response – it may open up ideas? Time need – promise 2 dates a month and negotiate with your sister to babysit? Caring for the kids – negotiating a trade with sister – you watch your mom and she can help with the kids? Attention and acknowledgement – writing love letters and giving it to her when you have to help with your mom?
  • I agree with KawKaw on the opportunity for couples or family therapy. Or at least therapy for you so you have an outlet and pillar for support with stress.

For me, my sister is my ally even if I’m the primarily caring for LO PWD. She has expressed that she supports my personal goals (school) and so we negotiate the tasks of searching resources, making appointments, etc.  Perhaps your sister also does not want your marriage jeopardized and you both have the mutual goal of supporting your mom.

Feel free to reach out if you just need to be heard or seen.

Posted: Monday, September 20, 2021 11:07 AM
Joined: 9/20/2021
Posts: 1

Hi Everyone,

I just joined today.  My partner was diagnosed Aug. 2020 with late onset Alzheimer's.  It has taken me a year to accept the diagnosis and reach out for support.

In the past year we have had most days when she is as perfect as a peach and then a day every once in a while that she would repeat or ask the same question within 5 mins.  

I'm looking for ideas on how to keep her informed of daily tasks (we started carrying our appointment calendar with us) without making it seem like a big issue that she didn't remember.  Also, are there any LGBT group meetings (via ZOOM)?

Thanks, Mary


Posted: Sunday, September 26, 2021 1:54 AM
Joined: 1/16/2020
Posts: 29

HI Maemae66! my wife has early onset alzheimers. We've been at this 6 years now and it's still difficult to accept.  I have a white dry erase board hanging on the fridge. I write the day of the week and date each morning after she takes her pills. It's also a check for me that I've given the pills! The I put whatever else we have going on for the day - appointments, errands, special event like someone's birthday or a holiday. It has helped.  

As for a support group check with your local alzheimer assoc. The one here has a lgbt group. Hang in there!