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Delayed Dementia Grief
Reaching Out
Posted: Saturday, August 27, 2022 7:18 AM
Joined: 12/11/2020
Posts: 12


My husband died on Sunday July 24, 2022 at a Memory Care Unit after being discharged from a Geriatric Psych Unit for aggressive behavior.  I never could fully accept his diagnosis of mixed Dementia and when he died the quilt and regret for not fully accepting him as he was haunts me.  I gave his Medical POA to his adult children from his first marriage wanting at the time someone else to help make decisions.  Although they were very attentive to visiting him at memory care, I feel that I relinquished him to his death by not being able to intervene and have him discharged from geriatric psych where he has treated with antipsychotics that took him farther away from me.  He was admitted to Hospice care and once the morphine started it didn’t stop and that’s what he died from.  I don’t feel he was at end stage dementia just over medicated .  I can’t change the past, just trying to make it through the present.
Army_Vet60
Posted: Saturday, August 27, 2022 7:54 AM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 915


Reaching Out wrote:
My husband died on Sunday July 24, 2022 at a Memory Care Unit after being discharged from a Geriatric Psych Unit for aggressive behavior.  I never could fully accept his diagnosis of mixed Dementia and when he died the quilt and regret for not fully accepting him as he was haunts me.  I gave his Medical POA to his adult children from his first marriage wanting at the time someone else to help make decisions.  Although they were very attentive to visiting him at memory care, I feel that I relinquished him to his death by not being able to intervene and have him discharged from geriatric psych where he has treated with antipsychotics that took him farther away from me.  He was admitted to Hospice care and once the morphine started it didn’t stop and that’s what he died from.  I don’t feel he was at end stage dementia just over medicated .  I can’t change the past, just trying to make it through the present.
 
 
 

Hi,

 
Everything you've expressed is normal for Caregivers of Dementia sufferers. 
 
If Hospice accepted him, it's because he was dying, and nothing you could have done would have changed that. 
 
If Hospice gave him Morphine, it was to ease the pain while he went through Active Dying process. 

 

Please consider seeing a Grief Therapist to recover from your ordeal. You need to look after yourself now. 

Reaching Out
Posted: Saturday, August 27, 2022 2:45 PM
Joined: 12/11/2020
Posts: 12


Thank you for being so honest and upfront.  Have been to two GriefShare programs.  One specifically for loss of spouse and most recently generic losses not specific to Dementia.  I feel like an outlier, but that’s my problem.  Recently spoke with Hospice social worker about their program which begins September 12 and lasts through October.  And there is always private counseling.  I’ll keep plugging away; seems to be what I do best.
Army_Vet60
Posted: Saturday, August 27, 2022 3:04 PM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 915


Reaching Out wrote:
Thank you for being so honest and upfront.  Have been to two GriefShare programs.  One specifically for loss of spouse and most recently generic losses not specific to Dementia.  I feel like an outlier, but that’s my problem.  Recently spoke with Hospice social worker about their program which begins September 12 and lasts through October.  And there is always private counseling.  I’ll keep plugging away; seems to be what I do best.
I was 59 when Sandy died. I a now 62.
I started individual and group therapy together.
The first group I was placed in was a disaster because I was 59 and was with my wife for 13 years.
Everybody else was 80+ and had lost their spouses after 60+ years together.
I felt I had no right to use up their time with my grief so I got myself placed in a group of my peers. 
I was the group for several months, but spent about 18 months with a private therapist.
Recovering from something like this can't be rushed, and total recovering may not ever be attainable.
As the song goes, I'm "Comfortably Numb" at this point.

Victoria2020
Posted: Saturday, September 10, 2022 9:02 AM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 1586


This is the best recording of "Comfortably Numb" [Waters and Vedder] I've heard, I disappear into in. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6b25eGRhXE&ab_channel=ladyleighcraze4muzik

"There is no pain you are recedingA distant ship, smoke on the horizonYou are only coming through in wavesYour lips move but I can't hear what you're saying"........

 

 Like Inuit words  for snow, Dementia Land gives us many feelings for "loss." Over and over while they are here and after we feel it.


Army_Vet60
Posted: Saturday, September 10, 2022 11:51 AM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 915


Victoria2020 wrote:

 

"There is no pain you are recedingA distant ship, smoke on the horizonYou are only coming through in wavesYour lips move but I can't hear what you're saying"........

 

 
 

That verse pretty much describes my first year in Stage 8 - a pretty thorough disconnect from the world and myself. 

 
 
Eddie Veddie did a really good job in place of Gilmour. To me, his interpretation was a bit different from Gilmour's.
 
 
Every time I listen to Gilmour in that song, I hear absolute defeat, loneliness and isolation. I always get choked up over Gilmour's interpretation.

 

In Vedder's interpretation, I hear a desperation at finding himself in his isolation rather than absolute defeat. I like it...

 
 
The contrast in emotions is interesting. Thanks for posting this.

Space within
Posted: Monday, September 12, 2022 8:04 PM
Joined: 10/7/2018
Posts: 92


   Although my LO was my mother and the medical choices for my mom were under other people in the family, I can relate to your the guilt and grief you are going through. 

Yesterday and today marks a year since I shared time with my LO.  It will be a year on friday that she passed away.  

There are days where an energy of anger and rage pass through me -as I think of how many meds she was on during her last year.   

It is heart breaking and sometimes difficult to remember during the time of my mom's illness - I was, and everyone else was doing their absolute BEST to care, support and love my mom. 

It's still sometimes so hard to understand she has physically passed away.  

    Sending you love and strength.

 

"Look out of any window, any morning, any evening, any day 

Maybe the sun is singing, the birds are winging, 

Though rain is falling from a heavy sky

What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? 

For this is all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago. "

--Box of rain. lyrics 


David J
Posted: Monday, September 12, 2022 11:20 PM
Joined: 2/15/2020
Posts: 629


My wife passed away at the end of August this year. I was with her at the end, and wondered the same thing about the morphine. Would she have lived longer if they hadn’t put her on it?  Then I think of her lying in that bed, skin and bones at half her normal weight. She didn’t have any life left in her. When she was gone, and the caregivers cleaned her up and dressed her, she looked so peaceful and beautiful, like the woman she used to be. Her face was relaxed for the first time in years. I know it was time for her to go, and the morphine eased the way, but I can’t help thinking that I could have had a few more hours or even days with her. But the ending would have been the same, and I’d still be grieving. The only thing that comforts me is that she went quietly and easily.
JWestover73
Posted: Sunday, September 25, 2022 2:55 PM
Joined: 9/25/2022
Posts: 1


Comfortably Numb...a great song to describe a phase of grief. Grief is quite a journey. Thank you for being vulnerable here & sharing a powerful song!