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Family of Caregiviers
Posted: Thursday, December 15, 2011 12:23 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 1

 Christmas is "Family"

This story is about a family dad,mom and six children.  Growing up I remember my father being the lawmaker and mom the peacemaker.  Her words were always spoken softly not to get dad upset.  As I got older I understood why my mother was like that becoming a mother myself.  We had a normal childhood like most families with six children, money was always tight but there was family time.  Whether it was watching TV or our family picnic or just a ride in the car on Sunday.
 I remember mom always giving my dad the upper hand in our family.  What dad said was law so he thought.  Then one day this thing Alzheimer's enter our family and this is what  Christmas means to me.
   Dad and Mom were getting on in years their six children were married and had their own families.  So they decided it was time to sell their home.  They moved into a small elderly apartment and it was time to relax and not worry  anymore.  But then this disease decided to enter all  our lives.  Dad was never a sick person he smoked and had an addiction to beer.  He got over that with the help of his children and mom.  But this disease was a different ball game as father would say.  We never could have realized what was to come.  This is what family means to me having two brothers and four sisters was a blessing.  Dad went into the hospital in February and never came home again.  He had go into a nursing home they said he was a danger to himself and a danger for my mom to take care of him.  That's when we realized he was sick with this disease my mother took the news the hardest because she couldn't take care of him,she was filled with guilt.  She alway took care of ever one and everything this was something she couldn't fix.  My brother 's took it  hard and couldn't stand to see my dad in the nursing home, to see  our father  he was slipping away slowly.  My sisters and I became the rock of our family.  Our lives changed in a matter of minutes.  With the help of our loving husbands and children we would have never been able to care for our father as we did.  It is call family what a wonderful word. My oldest sister decided we couldn't all be up there every night so our schedule became a part of our life myself on Monday, Carol on Tuesday, Dee on Wednesday and Holly on Thursday we each had a Friday once  a month and on every other weekend to make sure dad was cared for.  We did what we could to make him feel comforts  and loved from us.   He gave us love back because we saw a softer side of him we didn't know was there.  My mom would come to see dad during the day.  It was to hard for her at night because dad didn't understand why mom would leave him they were supposed to sleep together dad would say.  My brothers would come and see dad when they could.  As his disease got worse so did his moods we could see him changing slipping away from us.  Dad would called us to the meeting house to have coffee and discuss the family matters it was the recreation room in the nursing home he thought it was his house.  He would tell us girls what to do for him and expected it done we always said yes dad.  We would take him on rides in his wheelchair he thought he was driving his car.  He always had to be in control but that's how he was.  We would take him to the courtyard to feed the birds popcorn, cookies or doughnuts he thought he was sitting on his front porch but that was OK.  Our brothers found it very hard to deal with my father illness.  My brother Larry was just like my dad he always expected the best of you and expected the best of himself.  My brother Ricky was just like my mom he was softer and a peacemaker, he tried to keep peace between mom and dad Rick still lived home with them.  We   didn't realized what dad was going through in his own mind he couldn't help himself.  During this time Ricky had his own addiction to drugs and mom was trying to help him as well as dad, we new it was to much for her at times.  Larry had tried many times to help his brother and mom to deal with Ricky but with much  sorrow Ricky had passed away before Dad.  It hurt us because we couldn't tell  dad that his son had pasted he would have never understood.  His illness was taking more of him away from us.  As time pasted Dad got worst but myself and my sisters grew to understand what this illness was and how thankful I was to have my sisters to talk to and tell the funny little stories about dad and what happen the night before.  Many nights we left that place that dad call home crying because we felt we didn't do enough but we had each other to say it was alright.  Each of our husbands were there for our father and never question or stopped us from doing what needed to be done, they kept our families together .  Dad had pasted  after a  long two years of fighting this awful disease. He pasted on my husband's birthday my husband was nice enough to say my husband gave him a great birthday, he gave him peace.  It has been a few year since dad has pasted but I still have that close relationship with my family it is a warm feeling knowing they are there.                     
    This year has been another test of faith and family but as always my family has been there.  My husband was diagnosis with cancer this year.  His diagnosis was not good but with the support of family, faith, doctors and today's medicine he is doing great.  My family was not only there for my husband but for me.  I look back at this year with my heart filled with love because I consider myself the luckiest person in the world.  You may not have that big house or a new car  or all  the money you want but without family and love  you have nothing.  So when you sit down at your table with your family this Christmas  remember all those little things in your life.  I know I will! 

                                                     This is what Christmas means to me

                                                      Thanks.    Mom, Alan and Carol, George and Dee, 
                                                                           Larry and Linda,  Tony and Holly
                                                                                   And all the grandchildren

Posted: Thursday, December 15, 2011 11:19 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 182

Merry Christmas!
Posted: Friday, December 23, 2011 6:44 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 3807

Wow!  What a wonderful family you all are!


So very sorry to hear about your husband's cancer.  I hope you continue to come here, but you also may want to check on the message boards at National Family Caregiver Association:   This site is for every type of family  illness, accident, etc.


I have prayed for you and your husband.  God's Peace

Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 2:37 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 3807



How are you and your husband doing at this point.  Thinking of you.


God's Peace

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2013 7:04 AM
Joined: 2/19/2013
Posts: 4

HELLO My name is sandy and I really could use people to talk with seems like alot when I try to reach out I get no feedback> I do not understand why ?I have been takingcare of my Mom now for nine years and she is not gone gone yet but to me she is gone does  that make sense to anyone? She is last member of family my Dad passed with LungCancer then my brother was found dead then few years later Mom was diagnosed with Lung Caner which she beat but to bring you up to date she ends up with Pd 100 percent bed ridden  And now some Dementia which now I cannot even talk witth her.about serious things.In between my brother passsin and Mom being diagnosed I got married great husband only I have never had time to build a marriage and now we are older and Im so concerned I will not have no time  together before if one of us gets sick I feelterrible I marriedI feel I ruined someones happiness and Life.I have had some caregivers but have spent ninety thousand dollars on caregiving and now I feel do not no where to turn, at times I want to put Mom in home other times dont feel they will take care of her and at times sh can be s hard to deal with.I feel so alone and sad no more family I do not feel i lve in a real world!za;lot of times I sit and watch her thru a camera and sit and cry. please I appreciate feed back. Thanks
Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2013 1:54 PM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433


Hi Sandy,

Welcome! Even though I'm sorry for what brings us all together ~ the loss or the feeling of losing a loved one. It's a very hard thing. We're all there or have been there. We know what you are going thru. I'm sorry you are going thru it alone, though.


If your Mom is bedridden and not able to communicate have you considered calling in Hospice to help you out? I'm not trying to indicate that she has very little time left. I don't know her situation and I can't make that call. But when we called in Hospice for my Mom they told us that generally speaking they are called in when the patient has 6 months left, but it can mean they have 6 months or they could have 3 years...there's no way of knowing. But they are available to help out with supplies, and nursing, and counseling, whatever the patients needs to comfort them and whatever you need to help you out. They would be such a great help to you now when you need it most.


But above all you need someone to support you thru this. It's a very hard thing to go thru. You said you have a wonderful husband. I don't know what I would have done without the love and support of my husband while I was going thru my Mom's illness and her passing. Let him help you and be there for you. I don't know how many times I cried in my husband's arms. I still do and it's been 8 months since my Mom left us.


Come here often and let us know how you are doing. I find these boards to be very helpful and the people to be very comforting. They helped me thru the most traumatic event in my life - losing my Mom. My Mom was the world to me. I've said in my profile and I've said on here many, many times. My Mom was not only my Mom - she was my best friend, my inspiration in all that I do and all that I am ~ she was my hero! Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I grieve for my Mom every day. I had a very hard time at first. I cried every day and I still do. But my husband said to me one day "Would your Mom want you to be like this? Or would she want you to be happy? You have to ask yourself what your Mom would want for you. She always wanted you to be happy above everything else." So I have tried to remember that and do that - for her, for me and for my family.



dj okay
Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2013 9:38 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840

Welcome, Sandy!


Oceanbum has given you some good feedback about your feelings.  I hope it helps to know that others understand what you're going through.


It sounds to me like you might need more than just a few words from some folks in an online forum.  Although this is a great place to come for support, you may need a little more.  I would suggest you call the 1-800-272-3900 helpline and ask to speak with a counselor.  They are trained professionals and will be able to talk with you about all that you are feeling.  They may also be able to give you more direction on what needs to happen in your specific situation.


Your post is a reply to a very old topic.  You must have kept reading until you found something that spoke to your heart.  Unfortunately, when this happens, many folks just overlook the newer messages.  You sort of get lost in the old news.


To compound the issue, this forum is usually only visited by folks that have recently lost a loved one to dementia and is therefore not nearly as busy as the Caregivers Forum.  I would suggest you spend some time in that forum.  You will find a LOT more activity, more members, and more topics of interest to you.


You are welcome to come here for support in grief.  Just know that it isn't as busy a place and you may wait longer for fewer replies.


It's also a good idea to start your own topic discussion.  When you first enter a forum, you'll see a button at the top of the listing to start a new topic.  You will get much more feedback that way than by replying to someone else's discussion.


I hope these suggestions help you find all the support you need.  This really is a wonderful, caring community.  You just need to find the best way to get out of it all you need.