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Mom is free, I don't know what to think.
Bettys Girl
Posted: Tuesday, January 31, 2012 11:16 PM
Joined: 1/12/2012
Posts: 3

Mom passed this weekend after 10 years of Alzheimer's.  I'm  going through a rapid -fire series of sadness, relief, anger, peace, and now frustration and guilt that no matter how fast we paddled, the boat always went the wrong way or backwards.  I'm gathering photos for her memorial service and remembering how hard we tried for her, yet it was never enough. The hospice nurse told us she fought for such a long time because she was physically so strong.  Mom was 4'10, 79 lbs. but like the energizer bunny.  Never stopped.


I know she's finally at peace but the pain of seeing her decline in the photos is more than I can bear tonight.  


Posted: Wednesday, February 1, 2012 2:39 PM
Joined: 12/5/2011
Posts: 795

Dear Bettys girl,


I'm so sorry about the loss of your Mom.  I know how difficult it can be.  I lost my Mom over a year ago and sometimes it seems like yesterday.


I went through the guilt trip.  Believe me, it doesn't do you any good.  You did the best you could for your Mom.  Please, try to let the guilt go!


I'm glad your Mom is at peace.  Perhaps she's up there with my Mom??


Thinking of you,


Peace and Hope,



Posted: Wednesday, February 1, 2012 10:54 PM
Joined: 12/20/2011
Posts: 60

God bless you in this sad time...  I hope you'll find contentment in knowing that you provided the best care you could.
Waiting for a cure
Posted: Thursday, February 2, 2012 1:37 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 295

Hi Betty's Girl,

My mom passed away on Monday and we're going through much of the same thing. I think the majority of my grief is about how my mom suffered.  The photos of the hardest part of her journey bring bitter tears. They are also a testament that....we were there with our moms.  We loved them.  We did our best.  



Betty's Girl, your mom wouldn't want you judging how you did with caregiving.  While she endured the cruel dementia, you were with her.  Her mind may have been clouded her mind, but her spirit knew.  And now she's free and she wants you to be, too.


We can't avoid the raw emotions and roller coaster we're on.  It's healthy for us to grieve.  The timing of our mom's passing is so close to several other members on this message board.  Each of our grieving processes are a little different, but we go through the same steps.  I hope you post again soon.   What song are you using, if any, for your photo/video montage?  I'm using "You and me against the world."  It was a special song for my mom and I when I was a child.



Beth in Indiana
Posted: Friday, February 3, 2012 7:41 AM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 95

Hi Betty's girl - my condolences on your loss.  I too lost my Mom Jan. 9th.  I understand exactly what you're saying.  I don't know about you, but these are things I couldn't share with my brothers.  It's too painful to think about what she suffered.  I don't think it would do them any good.  But I'm glad to know we all can share this - it helps.  We saw it, lived through it with them and did the best we could to alleviate what we could.  And we're not perfect.  Mistakes no doubt were made on both sides of the caregiving isle.   I feel the guilt too about the mistakes but mainly it's about things I couldn't control.   We have to accept that fact (easier said than done eh?) and try to move forward.  And forgive ourselves too -


What I could control, I tried.  Believe me when I say the staff knew exactly who's daughter I was.  lol!  I asked a lot of questions and wasn't beyond just rolling my mother up to the nurse in charge and saying give her drugs please, now. In fact, there was one nurse in particular that was kind enough to come to visitation that I found myself apologizing to for what could easily have been considered uh, shall we say, over zealous attention to detail???  You know, she just smiled at me and said "It's OK.  I did the same thing with my Mother" - Telling me she acted in the same manner and totally understood.  What a gift.


I hope we can talk more in the days ahead.

Take care of yourself.

Posted: Friday, February 3, 2012 7:55 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 74

I'm right here with you and holding your hand. My mom just passed away on Jan.30th. I went away for a few days with my hubby to sleep, cry and to try and have a good time.

I've been going through the pictures and thinking to myself that my mom that i knew just a few days ago was not the same mom in these pictures. I think that I lost my real mom over 5yrs ago. Please try and take care of yourself. I'm here if you need to talk. If you want, go to my Facebook. Rosemarie Dinwiddie. Just let me know that you are from the Alz site.

Bettys Girl
Posted: Saturday, February 4, 2012 11:41 PM
Joined: 1/12/2012
Posts: 3

  Thanks all for the comforting replies.  We've all walked the same paths, us and our brave Moms...and yes I do believe she knew that I was there.   In her last week, she couldn't move and I just got in her face and told her I loved her over and over.  I kept remembering a line from a song she used to sing about "I love you a bushel and a peck" but I could never remember any more.  Well, sitting with her that week finally I had time to think about what the words were, Googled it, and got the whole old-school Doris Day youtube version!!!   A gift from Heaven.  We listened to that over and over all week.  The caregivers listened to it and we all came to the same conclusion that the "doodly-doo" part of the song was what Mom had in mind when she would do her little bobbing dance with everybody.  So that song will definitely be in her montage. 


Of course, then came the guilt that I hadn't thought of it waay earlier.. but you're right, Mom wouldn't want the guilt.  She'd be the first to say get on with it.  Peace to you all and to our Moms.


Posted: Wednesday, February 8, 2012 1:30 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403

It is very hard to look at the photos from when they were declining. I have a video of dad following me around in his wheelchair. He looked so cute looking for me to tell him what to do and where to go. I took a lot of pictures of dad before he passed. I also have a lot of pictures of mom. She is now on her last days.


I sometimes smile when I think of dad and other times I cry. It is very hard to lose someone. Death is so final that it leaves us numb and empty. But I try to think of him around me in spirit and it's comforting to know that he is no longer in a bed suffering like mom is now.


Keep the memories close to your heart.