What a lovely story, I bet it made her day as well.

I almost started the same topic yesterday, was wondering how everyone was doing because it got real quiet here. I check in everyday to see.

I am doing as well as can be expected for five weeks. Still seems hard to believe, I miss my husband.

Funny how when the sun is out we feel a little better, in the mornings if it is sunny I get my little poodle and we set outside for a little while.

How are you doing? I know how hard it is, one day at a time. I hope each day gets a little better for you. ((hugs))

ttyl 

Doreen 

Hello - your story was sweet and sad all at the same time.  So glad you spent some time with your Mom's friend.  It must have been a bit difficult to be reminded of your Mom so soon.

I'm making my way.  Paying attention to how I feel, being careful, taking it slow.  Things seem to have slowed Way down compared to my previous life.  And that's OK.  I'm looking into new hobbies (geocaching) a little and trying to refocus. Reading Alan Wolfelt. Still working full time with a senior in high school, so I'm still busy but yet still a bit lost.  As my counselor says, it's a complicated grief  - lol!  I've been mourning my real Mom and our relationship for over 4 years(8 total), watching her slip away from me.  It some ways I think that's helped make this process not so incredibly intense for me now.  It's BEEN intense for a number of years.  That's not to say a year from now I might be sobbing my eyes out, remembering our earlier, healthier relationship.  Who knows?

I'm glad to know how you all are doing as well.  I hope we can all find something to look forward to in the short term as well as the long.

Take care -

I'm still here, just trying to get things ready for mom's celebration.

I've been going through all her paper work, what a job. I thought she had everything in order. Wrong.

Picked up her ashes this week, I put her in her bedroom. Haven't really had time or the money to put her to rest. Next week I will do that.

I think that i have cried everyday, I miss her so much. My house is so calm.

My daughter will be home next Friday and all the other family members will be here, so that will be nice. I have so many people coming to the celebration.

I think I wrote about the purple balloons with a message on them and the Alz. wrist bands i'm giving everyone. I even told people to wear purple. Should be a great day.

Bless you all, I'm always thinking of you

I thought I was doing pretty well the last couple days (except I'm real tired and don't want to go to work much--but I am). Then this morning I called a credit card company to reverse a late fee on my card (I had lost sight of it when my mom passed away on 2/1). Anyway, I just started sobbing. I guess things like this make it that much more real...the consequences and fall out with ordinary things that have been thrown off balance due to grief and all the things that come with handling the passing of a loved one. The good news is they reversed the charge....she couldn't help me fast enough and I am grateful for that kindness.

I'm off to work now...I'm keeping my fingers crossed it is at least an okay day...ugh.

OMNI, I hope you have a better day.  I fell apart yesterday at Starbucks when the barista, who remembers the days my mom would go 2x and more and one day, asked how she is.  I couldn't held it together.  There I was weeping in the middle of the supermarket Starbucks.  Oh well.  I guess I was with friendly company.   

CarllyJean, I'm looking forward to more of your posts.  I had trouble posting last week.  This new board is more difficult sometimes.  

Doreen, I'm glad you're getting out for walks.  What's your poodle's name?  The sunshine is so cheery. I thought of that the day after my mom passed.  I wish for you and for my other friends who've lost loved ones, the John Denver song, "Sunshine on my Shoulders."  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQ9kJa_6cBg 

Beth, yes, it's been so intense to see change over the last years.  I think it was intense all along.  Each stage had its own heartbreak, and its own lessons.  Your counselor's description....of a complicated grief....makes sense.  Please share any other truths you come to when they're not too intensely personal.  

Rosemarie, please have someone photograph and videotape your mom's celebration of life.  I didn't have the nerve to ask someone to do it, but a church family did it without asking.  I haven't received the DVD yet, but I'm so blessed to know I can look at it sometime if I need to. My mom's friend from grammar school spoke, and shared stories of my mom I had never heard.  What a wonderful thing.  

I'm dong ok. I'm not crying everyday yet, but I cry when I'm faced with the reality by others inquiring.  I have 2 little boys to take care of all day and for them it's business as usual.  They're gentle with me if I need a few minutes more to get ready for stuff like meals and going out, since I'm moving kind of slow.  I feel like I'm dragging myself through quicksand to live my life.  When people ask me to commit to events, I feel like saying no, no, no.  And I say maybe.  And sometimes they understand and let it be.  They think I need to get out.  Well, I do get out.  I have no choice.  It's the optional stuff I pass on.

Anyhow, I'll write more later.  I'm calling the attorney to start the process of dealing with the after-death.  Yikes.

Waiting for Cure--thanks...my day did get better and wasn't too bad overall. Your Starbucks story reminds me of my crying episode at a Starbucks.

The barista asked me how my day was going and I just started crying at the register. All I could think of as an answer to his question was "it's my birthday and my mom is going to die today". Yes, I had to stop treatment for my mom on my birthday. She actually passed away the following morning because she held on for 12 hours after treatment stopped.

I jsut couldn't believe I lost it right there at the register. The guy never knew why, he just quickly said something like "it's Tuesday, I get it". They must see a lot of stuff...

Good luck with the attorney stuff. I have been dealing with that for a couple weeks and everything seems endless...everything seems to have issues or problems that need to be handled before the next step can be taken. It is just shocking...and this is for someone that had everything set up ahead of time...wow.

I'm also dealing with caring for my dad...we moved him the same day and so I have been dealing with new doctors, new phone service, new ALF, etc. It's a lot. I have had to be very task oriented and have not taken any real time to cry. i'm hoping to take some time this weekend for myself and just do something I enjoy and want to do.

Heard two red wing black birds Sunday afternoon.  Saw 3 Robins today. For us in Northern Indiana, that signals spring.   A little bit of joy filled my heart.

I hope you are all finding a little bit of joy -

Take care -

Waiting for a Cure--I too seem to have put off grieving to some extent, though I have cried a few times during the week. I am also very tired and am dragging myself through the day. By the time the afternoon comes I am just spent it seems like. It makes it tough to get through the work day. It was nice my boss said he did not notice it, but it is hard to make it all day. I was wondering if it was all part of this process. I'm thinking so since you have the same experience.

Yesterday it hit me that I am not even 50 yet (I just turned 49) and my mom is gone. I always pictured having her around to share things with well in to my 60's since that has been the trend on her side of the family. I realized that was not to be...and cried for all the lost opportunities of her seeing my son graduate high school and get married, etc. I just always pictured her there. Of course, since she had AD it would not have been the same anyway, but I had not quite got there in my thinking while she was alive.

I am taking care of my dad still and try to visit him several times a week. He also has AD and is missing my mom a lot. Sometimes I have to relive stuff with him to remind him of what happened. That is not easy, but it helps him feel okay about how my mom passed. They were married for 54 years and it is heart breaking to imagine his loss....that made me cry today...the loss of his lifelong partner.

We were going through their house today. I did pretty well during that process amazingly. It might have helped that my brother and some of his family were around most of the time.

This grief thing is a foreign process to me. I just keep taking one step at a time and hoping for the best. Someone told me today that my aura looked happier than it has the last two years. That was nice...I'm thinking it is because my caretaking responsibilites have been cut in half...hmmm.

I hope everyone else is making it through this process the best way they can. I'm thinking of all of you.

Not sure how I am. I went to work the Monday after mom's funeral on Saturday the 18th. All day Sunday I kept telling myself that I didnt want to go to work. I didnt want to go out. I didnt want to face all those people asking questions. But I did. It was hard, but work got so busy that it made the week go by very fast.

I feel as if I am living above myself. I am trying to just keep moving and not stop to think. I am trying to make future plans to keep my mind busy and have something to look forward to.

But the pain is always there.

I want to shout to somebody, I had to watch both of my parents die in ten months!!!! Would people really care? Would they understand my pain?

I've been watching videos of near death experiences and I am sure that my parents are in a much better place. That is the only thought that keeps me sane right now.

I decided to come back and talk here because when I look at my husband and try to talk to him about my feelings my words cant come out. I feel as if I say something he may feel he needs to say something to comfort me. I dont want comforting, I just want to say what I feel and know someone understands how painful it is and that right now there is no comfort.

I am 50 yo and I no longer have parents. No mom to say happy mothers day to, no dad to say happy fathers day to. No Christmas with mom and dad. No Thanksgiving. Life is going to be hard for a while. Very hard to face all those holidays this yr and maybe the next or the next. I am sure at one point it may get "easier".

OMNI and SadInHeart, I relate to your feelings. I'm 39 and have no parents left.  Before my mom got sick with alz, her mom had it, and died from it in 06 (I was there for her death too but it wasn't as painful....I was more there for support for my mom, who had several very painful years taking care of her mom{).    I'm so sorry both of your dads were struck with this cruel disease.  My dad hasn't been around in a long time.  I also thought i'd have my mom around for decades more.  My sons are only 7 and 5.  My grandparents were at my high school graduation, and my grandma was at my college graduation.  My sons are blessed that their dad''s parents are still alive and I'm trying to focus on that but can't help feeling....well, cheated?  

It took reading posts here to get up the courage and the words to tell my husband that my awake and asleep hours have been horrific because whenever i think of my mom, the images of her dying and dead comes to mind.  I am grateful that my husband accepts and acknowledges my feelings but he has no idea of my anger and other feelings.  I told a close friend that even as i heal I will never have the joy I had before.  It hasn't affected my faith in God, but has affected my relationship with other people in my life, and my overall sense of what to NOT expect out of life for me.  It's not that I assume I'll get this disease.  But when my husband uses that mantra"life isn't fair" to our kids, it's a stab in the heart....like "you better @#! believe it, Mister!  You have NO IDEA!"  

OK obviously I'm working through some anger.  i accept that as healthy.  Meanwhile, I'm putting on a nice face at church, social circles, etc.  People offer all kinds of help and sympathy but they just don't want to hear about it.  A few weeks ago, someone I thought was really caring emailed me a quick "how are you?"  and when I offered back a rather short paragraph of where I'm at, i.e. not ok, feeling rather despondent, what I got back was simply "ok, well just tell me if you need something."  ARGH!

Hello all - I hear  a LOT of things here I can identify with.  It's certainly a unique group.  I think it's interesting the different paths and progress we're making.  And we are, for sure, making progress toward healing, aren't we?  (Can I hear a whoo hoo? )  As I was reading Alan Wolfelt again, he described something called "grief bursts'  when, seemingly out of nowhere, you're incredibly sad, angry or some other very strong version of emotion.  I find myself 'checking up' occasionally and asking myself if what I'm feeling is a reasonable response or if it's over reacting to some degree.  Not that I feel it's not a legitamate response, just checking to see if it's too much of a response.  Does that make sense? The latest was when I saw a direct, tangible result of grief affecting a member of my family.  Wow.  I was overcome with another wave of grief, helplessness, sorrow.  It felt like a definite set back.

But - it's another day as they say and I pick up one foot and put it in front of the other, just as I'm sure you all are doing to.  It's the best we can hope for some days. And that's OK.

Someone at work today was telling me that he lost his grandmother on Friday. He was describing her last breaths. It was hard to listen to him without my eyes watering up. I was reliving my dad's and my mom's last breaths. But I listened because I could tell he wanted to talk to someone. Then he said something that made sense of what I've been feeling, he said that he has so many wonderful memories of his grandmother and things they did together but he cant think of any right now because that last minutes with her are stuck in his mind.

So true. That is what I've been living. I went through it after dad died and now I feel the same after watching mom die. Those last few minutes are stuck in my head and my heart.

It's a matter of time, I know, all wounds heal with time. But this is not a wound, this is a pain that will last for a lifetime.

I dont talk to anyone. I just cry in silence and sometimes I cant help thre tears rolling down my face. People ask how I'm doing, but they dont expect a real answer. So I just give the okay and move on to something else.If you say anything but okay, then you get the "they are at rest", "they are no longer suffering", "you need to move on", bla bla bla.

I miss my parents. Life will go on, but it will not be the same.

Today was a pretty good day...I spent most of it helping my dad go to a doctor's appt and doing a bunch of stuff for him. But what I wanted to share was that as I was getting out of the car a bit ago after a quick fill up at a gas station (for a not too pleasant $90) and a run to the post office, I just had happiness in my heart. I just all of a sudden realized I was starting to feel almost normal for that insant. We had a beautiful spring day here in Northern California and it was just refreshing. It was a nice feeling to know that I will feel okay as time goes on. I will always miss my mom and I still have a ways to go in the grief cycle I'm sure, but it was pretty uplifing at the moment.

Something else I wanted to share...I found the following poem my mom evidently wrote in 1997 as I was going through her stuff. It did not make me cry (yet amazingly) but I was more in awe of running across it now. Here it is:

Do Not Cry For Me

Do not cry for me,

As my ashes are at sea.

This was where I wished to be.

My material body wouldn't return

to the normal way for me,

I was not happy living this way from

day to day.

Thoughts of the sea are always in

my mind for me,

as my ashes are to be sent out to sea.

My spirit and memories of the past

will be with my loved ones

as they remember me.

Now I am resting in peace,

as my ashes are among the rolling

waves at sea.

No sad memories of me, just happy

ones if you please.

So do not cry for me.

She was cremated on 2/9 and her ashes were scattered at sea near the Golden Gate Bridge. This poem sort of gave me permission to remember the happy times and not dwell on the sadness of the loss. Maybe that is why I had a happy heart today.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with everyone. I hope you have more better days than not as time marches forward.

OMNI, that's beautiful....it's your mom talking to you from her place of rest, where she wants to be....and so many of us take comfort in thinking "my mom would tell me to..."  but in your case, these ARE your mom's words, and beautifully stated.  Was your mom a poet?  A songwriter?  

Are you going to frame it?  Or keep it in a journal?  I'm still playing with ways to keep special stuff.  I have scrapbooks but those are more an onging thing.  I'm always on the lookout for pretty frames or whatnot. 

I ran across a lot of my mom's notes but not usually creative stuff, more like meticulous record keeping.  She even had notes about some best practices stuff re: AD.  Looks like the disease stole her ability to carry out a plan before she could do much.  I'm glad she was able to tell us what she was interested in,....she was obsessed with the exelon patch