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I am here now..unfortunately
Posted: Thursday, May 10, 2012 6:26 PM
Joined: 12/10/2011
Posts: 338

I lost my beloved father, hero and best freind 3 weeks ago. I haven't been able to bring myself to come here yet even though I needed to. This is going to be the only place that people get what I am really feeling.


I have had some counseling with Hospice and it is helping and the chaplain gave me a really good booklet on grieving" When Death has passed: Living from here" and it is helping me so much. However, it appears that "time" will be my only freind. I feel so lost, deep sorrow. I miss my dad so much its surreal. I keep thinking I need to go to the NH to visit him.


I am blessed and grateful to have spent the last days of his life beside his bed. Holding vigil is exhausting and so very hard. I was able to give him his last sips of water, I was able to get him into a gown when he was afraid of the aides, he looked at me and said "Hang in there with me" and I said "I am right here dad" he knew me till the very end. I also got to lay on his chest and get a big bear hug like when I was a little girl. He affirmed his love for me every day until he became unconcious and I got alot of private time with him to say all I wanted to say, prayed with him, sang songs, told stories of things we did together.


Ahhh, but then the sucker punch comes and I was SO NOT PREPARED!


Thanks for listening, I am sorry we all had to take this journey, I am grateful that our LO's are not suffering and lost anymore...but damn it I miss dad!

Posted: Thursday, May 10, 2012 6:34 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403

I know that hug <sigh>. When dad was in his last days, I laid my head on his chest and cried. I was hugging him so hard and then I felt him pick up his arm and hug me. It felt so good.


It is very hard not to have our dads anymore. I also dont have my mom. So I took a double punch. The world just seems different. I always say that it feels as if I am riding an electric walkway and moving right along. The one thing that comforts me is to be able to talk to them whenever I want. They are always with me.

Nikki J
Posted: Thursday, May 10, 2012 8:41 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 91

Hi Kim

Again I am so very sorry for your loss. It does get easier with time. I lost my dad (not to dementia) 5 years ago. The first year was truly terrible. The first 6 months I cried every day. The first Father's Day Which was 10 months later I sobbed all day. But then it got a little better. I still miss him.

Hang in there it does get bearable with time.

I am gald you had that time at the end. that is so important and I think it helps. I had that with my mom and it is easier but still so painful.

Be good to yourself.



Posted: Thursday, May 10, 2012 9:18 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097

Cowboys, I've thought of you often and wondered how you were doing.  I'm going to follow your lead and avail myself of help from hospice also--but I agree, time will be the only thing that helps (and even then we'll have this gaping hole in our lives I think).  I'm glad you came and posted.


I feel the same way about being there in the last days.  I feel honored to have done that and I also would tell mom I was right there while we were on that awful long journey. 

Posted: Friday, May 11, 2012 1:10 PM
Joined: 12/10/2011
Posts: 338

thanks for all of the kind words ya'all. It helps me.

@dayN2nite: I hope you do get some counseling with Hospice or at least call the Chaplain. Ours was so kind and he has helped me so much. One thing he said to me that helped was "Kim, right now dad's death is right in the front, in the middle of your face and you can't get it away, but soon with time it will move off to the side, you will still see it but it won't be right in front of you and then with more time, it will move behind you. You will always know its there but not as you feel & see it now" I like to think of it this way now, it helps to know that it will move from being in front of me. 

I am at my daughter's house now (23) in St Pete Beach fpr Mothers day, I am already feeling a weight off of me lifted by the sight of the blue water, toes in the sand..ahhh! I can't wait to move back here in July. Just being back here at home helps so much. I will see all my friends tomorrow and that will just shower me with hope and love.

My oldest brother is w/mom so I could come and have a break. My body and spirit needs some restoration.

Hugs to you all,


Still Waters
Posted: Friday, May 11, 2012 7:35 PM
Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092

There you are !
Yes you’re here now – it doesn't matter where you are as long as you found us !

Posted: Friday, May 11, 2012 10:44 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097

Well, the bereavement coordinator never called me.  I am going to try and give her the benefit of the doubt and hope she just had Friday off.  I will call again first thing Monday and if I still can't get her, I may toddle up to the NH because the chaplain is there every day, so is the social worker.  They'll at least talk to me and probably light a fire under someone in the office.  If she did take Friday off, I wish she would have left that info on her voice mail because it's a deflating feeling to think the bereavement woman won't even call back, lol.


I really loved the way this hospice took care of mom up until the day she died and then it kind of fell apart.  She had the misfortune of dying on a Sunday, and though the on-call hospice nurse visited her on Saturday morning, she never came back.  Originally, the hospice was a smaller company when we started with it and then they were bought by a bigger one.  They did things like move our chaplain to another facility and enough people complained that they allowed him to be stationed at our NH again.  He would come and sing songs to mom, pray for her and just chat with her in general and she liked him very much.


So that's a long way of saying some way or another I'll talk to someone on Monday.

Still Waters
Posted: Saturday, May 12, 2012 5:46 AM
Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092

I am not that impressed with Hopsice myself either. I had a appointment with them and an interview. When all was said and done, the only thing they could offer my mother was an hour and a half a day Monday thru Friday at the Nursing Home. Which dosent sound too bad, however I would have had to drop the current insurance plan she was on and go to straight Medicaid. And I don't want to do that, because if I do take her home one day, I would have to use only doctors that accept Medicaid.


I am finding out quickly here, that these programs designed to help are for the most part, preying on my fear and desperation.


I wont have Hospice on board till I know, for sure 100% that I am not taking my mom home. Long story short, I was disappointed. Its really all about the $$.

Posted: Saturday, May 12, 2012 5:51 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 138

Dear Kim,

My heart goes out to you during such a tough time. I hope the feel of the sand on your toes, the roar from the water, and the warm embraces from your friends will carry you through this difficult time and bring you strength. You will always know that not only did your dad love you , but you shared that same love with him with all of your family's sacrifices in making his last years more comfortable.

Deepest condolences.

Posted: Sunday, May 13, 2012 2:22 PM
Joined: 12/20/2011
Posts: 84


I am so sorry for your loss. It is the next part of this journey. I like how you descibed the Chaplain's comforting words about the loss moving to behind us over time...that does help. I think the loss of my mom is off to the side for me now but it definitely is not behind me yet.


I wish you peace and comfort as you travel this path. And I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day at the ocean and a rejuvinating visit with friends.

Waiting for a cure
Posted: Sunday, May 13, 2012 3:13 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 295

cowboys wrote:


I am at my daughter's house now (23) in St Pete Beach fpr Mothers day, I am already feeling a weight off of me lifted by the sight of the blue water, toes in the sand..ahhh! I can't wait to move back here in July. Just being back here at home helps so much. I will see all my friends tomorrow and that will just shower me with hope and love.

 water, toes in the sand,  with your daughter, in the company of friends, hope and love..., restoration...your words and ideas bring me comfort just knowing you're getting that kind of quality R & R!  Enjoy every minute of it, relax and let the water take away your stress. I pray your daughter and everyone bring lots of smiles and that you sleep well also.  



Beth in Indiana
Posted: Monday, May 14, 2012 1:12 PM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 95

Welcome Cowboys.  We're here for you and each other.  I too am so glad to hear you're surrounded by comfort in family and nature.  I'd soak it up too


I had similar issues with Hospice or lack there of.  I'm seeing a counselor myself (good insurance plan - thank God) and it's been pretty darn helpful in a short amount of time on the road to healing. 


Anyway you can get the time and space, just know that you need it to heal.  Take it.