Today I was listening to music.  Something I haven't done in years, but started when my FIL was dying a month ago.  Then it was Pink Floyd, now it is the Cranberries and Velvet Underground.  I started spontaneously dancing around my house.  I was home alone and totally boogying down.  Completely free and not thinking about a care in the world. It was wild, freeing, and amazing.

I am so damn glad he is not suffering anymore.  Alongside the sadness (which I am mostly suppressing at this point), I feel a huge sense of freedom that he is not in suffering.  He is gone.  Our time together is done.  And in some ways that is good. If I think too much about him being gone and done with life, I think I might pass out from pain, but for now I can keep it at bay and walk around numb. Numb is fine for now.  And then every once in a while this feeling breaks through like my heart is being ripped out and my veins in my arms along with it.  So what a surprise when today, the numbness broke through with joy instead of pain. 

Aside from him not suffering, I also feel a total levity of not having to worry about him and not having to be such a fierce bitch when advocating for his care.  Yes, most of the time I miss caring for him.  I miss figuring out what shampoo will work or what pants will work or how to best help him swallow.  Most of the time I miss waking up in the morning and not having any notes from caregivers to read about how his night went.  But today I didn't miss it one bit.  I felt free from the responsibility of caregiving.  Free from the worry.  I feel his freedom from suffering.  I felt like I won the lottery. 

It was the most alive I have felt in many, many years and I would not mind this feeling happening again! 

What an awesome response to freedom (FIL's and yours), Stellar!  He is free from confusion, discomfort, and you are free from the stress.  

When I read your statement, 

           Aside from him not suffering, I also feel a total levity of not having to worry about him and not having to be such a fierce bitch when advocating for his care. 

I thought, wow, yea, that was my reaction, too. Even though I advocated for a living years ago, when I had to be a fierce protector for my mom, it was really personal, and I couldn't come home and take off that hat, so to speak.

I hope you dance and feel free again often, Stellar.