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I Don't Like Being An Adult Orphan
Posted: Monday, August 20, 2012 2:18 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 799

It's kind of weird, but it feels awful.  Losing your second parent is not fun.  My boyfriend (Canadian) loves that he gets to celebrate two Thanksgivings, one Canadian and one American.  He asked what are plans are going to be for Thanksgiving (American) this year and I just froze up.  NOTHING.  I have absolutely NOTHING to do for Thanksgiving.  For many years I would escape, be away for it.  This year - nothing.  I'm here and I doubt I'll have anything to do.  Maybe we should make a plan to go away somewhere.  Family holidays are going to suck from now on.
Waiting for a cure
Posted: Monday, August 20, 2012 4:15 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 295

I hear you!  I'm usually around for family holidays.  My husband and I left the state for a couple of years after we got married, and my small family and his larger family combined holiday traditions without us, ....  so when we returned to live in the area again, it was all a done deal.  Now, nothing of my mom's traditions remain unless I do something about it (my loving husband does inquire what i'd like to include).  


This year, I'm making sure that we're SOOOO out of town for Christmas.  I turn 40 a few weeks before Christmas and my mom's birthday is a day after mine  I can't skip town for that but I'll survive.  But Christmas....we picked up tx for a Disney cruise.  The kids can Disney their little hearts out and I'll divide my time between joining in, crying in the cabin, and maybe visiting the champagne bar (regardless of the fact that I don't drink but maybe 4 cocktails a year)


Marj, is it possible that you and your bf can have a different kind of holiday together this year, so you're not feeling alone amidst others' celebration, or being alone period....?  What's the big city like on the actual holidays, not counting the Macy's parade and such?  Here, it's divided between those who act like it's not any different from any other day and what's the big deal, and those that are trying to carry on like it's a Norman Rockwell Christmas.  But that's just my take.  



Posted: Monday, August 20, 2012 4:29 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 799

We can see who is in town and go out to eat somewhere.  Most of the restaurants here have special seatings for Thanksgiving since kitchens here are too small to cook big meals.  Maybe we'll get invited to someone else's celebration.
Posted: Monday, August 20, 2012 4:49 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105

I feel like an orphan, both parents gone.  Relationship with sibling seems to have dried up, too.  Besides losing my dad recently, I feel I've lost a sibling, as well and it's a very lonely feeling.   Nobody to share the family history with, no person who knew me growing up.  In our family different viewpoints seem to equal emotional and physical detachment.  Sad and unnecessary.
Posted: Tuesday, August 21, 2012 7:10 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

I'm not liking being an orphan.  I'm questioning all the relationships around me.  Even though I am middle aged, I think that my parents were the only people that loved me unconditionally.  My teens are giving me a hard time (I guess that's their job at that age), husband???, sister won't visit as much now that mom and dad are gone. I have to rethink my life.
Posted: Tuesday, August 21, 2012 12:01 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 799

My father passed in 1997.  Now my mother.  Even when my father died, I still had my mother.  Now foundation is gone.  It's a weird feeling, one I don't like.  I'm not young, yet not old. 45.  I personally think that's too young to be without parents.


Posted: Tuesday, August 21, 2012 1:15 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414

Losing both parents at the same time and then finding out my siblings were people I didn't know nor did I like, has been a head spinner.


I like how MLB61 put it "rethink my life". I have felt that too. Although I tried to jump in with both feet, I am finding that I need to go slowly, rest, and the future will unfold slowly.


Right now it is myself and my dog Sidekick. Period. And a big open door with a huge vista of the unknown.



Posted: Tuesday, August 21, 2012 1:46 PM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433

I'm not yet an orphan. I still have my Dad. My Mom passed in June. But growing up it was always my 3 older brothers with my Dad and me with my Mom. So I am at a total loss since losing my Mom. I feel like a huge part of me is gone. At every family function I was always with my Mom. We were inseperable. Even after I became an adult we were always together. We live right around the corner from my parents. So I would walk over there at least a couple days a week with my girls and we would sit and talk. We would sit with a cup of coffee, talk about anything, everything or nothing at all!! Just whatever was on our minds. I miss those days SO much. After she started showing signs of Dementia I couldn't sit and talk with her as much. She would get so frustrated when she couldn't find the right words. Then she got to where I came over on a daily basis and helped Dad take care of her. I helped her with her meals, meds, showers, etc. We still sat and talked and she would tell me how much she appreciated me helping her. When I would shower her she would tell me wouldn't let just "anybody" do this and I would tell her I wouldn't do this for just anybody. And then we'd laugh!! Then eventually she had to go to the home. We still had our talks but they got shorter. But her face still lit up every time I walked in her room. She loved to see me as much as I loved to see her!! And I thank God she knew me clear to the very end!


I still go over and see my Dad. But the house seems so empty now. He says the same thing. The whole house is her's. She decorated it, she picked out all the furniture, she arranged it all. It's all her. But that's part of why I love it so much. It reminds me of her so much every time I'm there. I feel her when I'm there. I know she's with me.

Mimi S.
Posted: Tuesday, August 21, 2012 4:27 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 7027

Hi Marjk,


How well I understand. The death of my first parent brought one set of emotions. The death of the second was another set. I don't think I ever used the term orphan, but the feeling was definitely there.


Do take time to mourn and do whatever you're comfortable doing.

much love!

Posted: Tuesday, August 21, 2012 8:29 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097

FAD, I don't know how you dealt with the loss of 2 at the same time AND the sibling crap.


Speaking of sibling crap--I unfortunately had to call my brother about some business of my mother's and he was very short and rude on the phone.  At one point he asked a question about something my mom did and I said "mom..." and started to cry.  He goes "I can't even understand you" and I told him I missed mom and it was hard.  He replied "well yeah I guess" and just went on with the conversation.


What a horrible person he is.  I'll bet if there was a life insurance policy (there was but we couldn't afford the premiums, I was beneficiary) he'd find something to say. 

Posted: Tuesday, August 21, 2012 9:59 PM
Joined: 12/30/2011
Posts: 47

I guess I am an orphan now, too.  Not something that I like to dwell on.  My big brother has always been kind of like a parent to me.  For me, at least, I find my greatest comfort, is knowing that I am a "child of God".  I am happy to have your company and understanding here.  I am 48 and none of my close friends have gone through this yet. A few I know are estranged from their parents.  There pain seems greater.  I am sad but at peace, at least.  CJ

Posted: Sunday, August 26, 2012 6:50 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

I just finished reading Midlife Orphan by Jane Brooks. About 200 pages. Very quick read.  I got it out of the library. I didn't relate to all of it, but a few nuggets were right on target.  The author interviewed a lot of people who had lost their last parent.  I think a lot of us would relate to something in the book.
Posted: Sunday, August 26, 2012 7:30 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403

Thanksgiving was always a great celebration for my family. Now that both of my parents are gone I do not plan to celebrate it. This will be the first year without my parents.


My in-laws are not much into celebrating Thanksgiving, so my husband and I are going to travel leaving the day before Thansgiving and not coming back until a week after.


I want to be away for Christmas, but there is a new baby in the in-law family and my husband wants to spend it with them, so I will have to deal with it.