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Missing Mother
Posted: Monday, November 5, 2012 1:48 PM
Joined: 2/16/2012
Posts: 7

Its been a long time friends......originally jointed in 2006.  Yesterday

11/4/ was a bittersweet day for me to get thru......Mother went to Dr's

on that day, 1 yrs ago.....the dr. said take her immediately to E/R.  I

did,  they took her right into Hospice and from 11/4 - 11/14 was hard.

The first day or two wanting to feed Mom.....thats not why she's here,

I said to myself......but I stayed there the whole time......only went

home tiwce for an hr.....but I was so glad IF she was going to go home,

that I was there to comfort her and help her on her way.....singing her

favorite song.....'''Softly and Tenderly.....Jesus is calling'''....and stroking

her she left this world and went thru that door......I'll be OK,

Mom.....its ok to go.......her chest so she was blowing

up a balloon.....I asked all the Angels in Heaven and Jesus to come

take her home......they were listening.......about 10 mins. later she

went Home.........I was ok.....until about 2 months a hit me......panic.....feeling lost.....depression,

best friend was really wasn't the Alz......Mom died from a

fall at the ALF......and no one called an ambo, the house Dr. not even

a trip to the express clinic......I was so tired that day....and wasn't going

to I did most every day.....but a Higher power told me to go....

and seeing the blood stained sheet over the sofa.....with a 6 X 5 inch

blood soaked sheet....and more blood on the geri-chair where Mom

not sat gazing into the abyss, fists clinched, talking jibberish......just

the day before saying.....Zoey, I love you....R U  coming back to get

me......Of course I said......and I always came was so sad

to see her this way.......but I am glad I was lucky to be with her at

the end.....those 10 days....were sad but sweet......oh yes....the State

opened an investigation in Sept. regarding her be picky

about where your loved one Mom was only in that place

10 months.....lost 50 lbs......locked in her room at nights.......what a her suffering is over and mine still lingers.......but I feel

if the Lord takes me tonight.....I can have Peace knowing that other

people may not have to go thru being my Moms advocate.

She will my best friend.........ZOEY M


''HONORING MY MOTHER''  d.o.d.  11/14/11   -  her Spirit is with me everyday.



dj okay
Posted: Monday, November 5, 2012 3:36 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840



I do hope you are doing okay during this season of grief.  I'm sure as the anniversary of her death approaches, there will be lots of memories.  Try to dwell on the good ones and let the others go.


I lost my sweet mama on August 16th this year.  I am still trying to survive the tsunami.  It's interesting that you phrased it that way.  I described it like the undertow in the ocean, it just pulls you under.  You just have to hold your breath and hope that you'll come up for air sooner or later.


Do let us know if we can do anything for you.

Posted: Monday, November 5, 2012 3:53 PM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

Hugs to you, Zoey -- I am so sorry.
Posted: Tuesday, November 6, 2012 2:48 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4122

My heart feels for you Zoey.  Please let us know what the investigation reveals.  They need to be 100 percent accountable if it was some fault of theirs.  Do it!

I am so sorry for your loss.  The anniversaries are harder than the inbetween days.

Rest my child, rest.  Just rest. Just breath. That is all that is required of you now.  


Posted: Tuesday, November 6, 2012 11:08 PM
Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 26

I am Cloudvacation.  My husband died Sept. 22.  You have great courage to lead an investigation.  You are not only honoring your mother, but helping to protect others.  Saying a prayer for you now.
Posted: Wednesday, November 7, 2012 10:29 AM
Joined: 2/16/2012
Posts: 7

Thank you all.....this is a forum of not only Caregivers but Caring people.

I knew ''retaliation'' would come into play when I opened this investigation,

because the ALF would always take it out on my Dear Mom whenever

I questioned this or that.....yes its true....we know that there is good

and bad people in this world.....but its my memories of my dear Mom

that make me strong.....just like she was before ALZ. showed its ugly

face,  but little did I know it might affect my employment and it has.....but it

is [[ worth it ]] .....we must Advocate for our loved ones.....even after they

have left this world.  I wouldn't change a thing.       ZOEY M

Posted: Saturday, November 10, 2012 4:10 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403

Zoey, why hasn't taken so long for the State to complete the investigation? I ask because I reported the NH my dad was in for rehab and AHCA (Agency for Healthcare Administration) completed the investigation in two months and by the third month the NH had been fined and the case was closed. Dad passed away April 19, 2011.


After dad passed away, my mom's AD deteriorated very fast. I also reported the ALF she was in and since it is part of a national organization, the corporate office was here within a week and by week's end they had it wrapped up. The issue was not severe enough for me to call AHCA, but I did remove my mom from that ALF. They gave us the last month for free and allowed us to break the contract.


One thing I recommend to everyone is that if you are planning to report a facility, do not alert them. Call AHCA or their corporate office and let that start the investigation. Do not threaten them or alert them because there have been known cases of falsifying records before an investigation. AHCA shows up without being announced, so they dont have any time to prepare for it.


Take care of yourself. The holiday season is very hard for all of us.

Posted: Sunday, November 18, 2012 3:47 PM
Joined: 2/16/2012
Posts: 7

You are so right,  I told the Dept. Mental Health & Hygiene to NOT call them, in

fact, I alerted them to have another person to go to another facility loc. where

my loved one started letter went to DMHG around late August.  The

investigation is still ongoing as of 9/21/12....they have been sited for sev.

issues.  But my complaint was justified, in my book......If you keep someones

dog and it breaks its call the owner or take it to the vet....right ?

These people did NOTHING......they made a decision to NOT get any med.

help for my Dear Mom and her death (in my opinion) was accelerated because

they made a bad choice of not calling the house Dr. , ambo, or me.  My Mom did have Dementia.....but that fall is what shortened her life, I did make an appm't

with a neuro/phychiatrist the next day, but the damage was done.........I miss

her terribly....when I get the written report, I will share with you.

Everyone,  I pray for us all to get thru the Holidays without sadness or anxiety.


Blessings............ZOEY M

Posted: Monday, December 24, 2012 8:57 AM
Joined: 2/16/2012
Posts: 7

Just a short update.....Nothing to report yet.....don't know if thats

good or bad............Hugs to all..............ZOEY M

loving daughter2345
Posted: Sunday, January 13, 2013 2:56 AM
Joined: 1/13/2013
Posts: 1

Hi Zoey my name is judy and I definetly feel your pain. I am sorry about your mom. I lost my mom in may 2012 and I am lost I don't know what to do with myself because my world was taking care of my mom.She was in a nursing home and I was with her everyday till she passed away. I would go morning noon and nite because I would feed her and made sure the nursing home was doing there job. I also was my mom's voice and advocate.I miss her so very much. My mine tells me she is with jesus and she is not suffering anymore but my heart tells me I want her here with me. I cry all the time for her and I have her room at home just like it was went she was there before she went into the nursing home . I'll pray for you. I have been trying to find a support group for greiving families but so far I haven't any luck with that. I am so depressed and I really feel like I will never get over this.I really need some serious advice someone please help me.


Posted: Sunday, January 13, 2013 7:21 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

Dear Loving Daughter -- I am very sorry for your loss.  I hope that you find comfort and support here.  There are several of us who have recently lost loved ones.  I lost my parents about 6 months ago.  My mom died in May, too.  My dad passed away shortly after that.  The grief doesn't seem to be as constant as it was, but it still comes and goes in waves.  The holidays were tough.  Please call the Alz Assoc. 24/7 Helpline (800-272-3900) to ask about support groups or counseling in your area.  Hugs to you...
dj okay
Posted: Monday, January 14, 2013 3:02 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840



Judy, please accept my sympathy for your loss.  I lost my mother in August last year.  She was in a nursing home for 3 1/2 years and I was her primary caregiver for almost 7 years.  I had a really hard time coping with the loss, so I understand where you are.


In reality, it hasn't been all that long since you lost your mom.  I agree that a call to the 1-800-272-3900 helpline would be beneficial to finding support groups in your area.  Also, you might check with churches and funeral homes in your immediate area.  They often have support groups and they may be quite close to you.


The grief process is complex and undeniable.  Your friends and family may think you should "just move on", but it really isn't that simple.  You need to work through the process.  Sometimes that takes professional help.


I thought I was doing quite well after my mother passed and then I had a colonoscopy about a month later.  When I came out of the anesthesia, I was overcome with grief as if it were the first I learned of my loss.  I realized then that grief is very real and even physical.  You must go through the various stages.  Counseling and support groups can help.  But one way or another it must be done.


Do find some support.  And please feel free to come back here and find support as well.  There is something quite unique, I think, about losing a loved one to dementia.  We understand that here.