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Holiday angst and peace
King Boo
Posted: Friday, January 11, 2013 11:00 AM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 3545

 IIt's been 4 1/2 years since I sat with my Mom when she left this world.


Each Christmas, while filled with the joy that having young children can bring, had a cast over it, at least for part of the season.    At times a big gaping hole was almost too much to push through.  Other times, a greyish tint was on everything.  Kind of like when your house looks dingy with dust and you realize it, but have no energy to dust it.


This year was the first time I was able to put out any of her Christmas decorations and actually enjoy them.  Smiled when I saw them.  I could put the decoration I made as a Girl Scout on our tree and laugh with my kids about the memory.  Less pain, more enjoyment.


Then, it hit.  Somewhere on Christmas night, after dinner, before dessert, while bringing out the empty cranberry sauce and cream of mushroom soup can to the recycling bin outside. . . .I looked up at the beautiful, beautiful night sky, with the stars and the contellation Orions' belt clearly visible. . .and burst into hysterics out of nowhere.  Ouch.


These tears were purer, however.  The tangled web of regrets, lost time, old history,misunderstandings, would have, could have, should haves,. . . .were left behind.  I was simply crying because I loved her and couldn't let her know.  I struggle with my belief system like all who deal with this disease.  But tonight, the universe was there, and my mother was not. . . .


   So I prayed, "Dear God, I don't need anything, just please, please let her feel my love, let her know I love her, wherever she is."


The stars twinkled and the glow inside me happened.


It was the glow of my Mother's love for me.  Steadfast, unconditional, as only a mothers love can be.  Whether it was a direct answer from heaven, or simply the memory of her love resurrected in a quiet, star filled night of Christmas, the love was there. 


And with the memory of the love came the assurance that all my worries and regrets should be no more, simply because Mom would not want me to have them.


I am posting this for those of you with more recent losses out there.  One day you will smile before you cry. One day you will feel the love first instead of regrets. 


 I hope it happens sooner for you. 




Posted: Friday, January 11, 2013 11:44 AM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097

What a beautiful post.  Makes me feel better too knowing it could be years before I could truly enjoy holidays again.  Now I won't pressure myself so much to do it by next year, etc.


I have also found staring at the night sky brings on the tears and for much the same reason--I don't have regrets and don't wish her here in the condition she was in, I just purely miss her and want to kiss her face again.  I know one day I will again.

Sea Field
Posted: Friday, January 11, 2013 7:37 PM
Joined: 8/5/2012
Posts: 1872

King Boo,


This was absolutely beautiful!  Thank you for sharing!!

King Boo
Posted: Monday, January 14, 2013 11:22 AM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 3545

.  Thanks for your comments.

Yes, there is something very steadfast and soothing about the night sky - no matter where we are at. . . . .

dj okay
Posted: Monday, January 14, 2013 3:28 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840

This is the first chance I've had to read your post.  How beautiful!  It brought tears to my eyes.  But happy tears for you just knowing of the peace that comes with healing.


Yes, I hope that comes quicker for all of us.  4 1/2 years is a long time.  But it came, that's the important thing.


Thanks for sharing!