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Maybe I'm being overly sensitive...
Posted: Tuesday, January 22, 2013 10:47 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433

I had a situation this weekend and maybe I'm just being overly sensitive so I thought I'd ask your opinion on it.


My niece texted me and asked me if I had my Mom's jewelry or if my Dad stil had it. Well, he gave it to me shortly after Mom passed away. I am the only daughter and he wanted me to have it. He said she would want me to have it. Her next text is the one that hit me wrong. She is getting married in July and her text said "I want to come up and go through it to pick out something to wear to the wedding". No can I or do you care or do you mind - just "I AM". It really hit me wrong and instantly I was ticked off. It was just the tone of the text more than anything. I mean I don't care if she wears something of Mom's to the wedding - which I will bring to the wedding and I will bring home from the wedding. I am NOT giving it to her in January for a wedding in July. Alot can happen to it in 7 months including me losing possession of it!! Am I wrong?! Or I am just being overly sensitive?! Your thoughts...

Posted: Tuesday, January 22, 2013 11:55 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105

Her text message does sound presumptuous to me.  To me, such a request should at least be made by telephone call or in person.  To assume it's a done deal, well, I wouldn't care for that either.


If you are okay with her wearing it, I would call her and let her know she's welcome to take a look and choose a piece and, as you have said, you will bring it to the wedding and you will take it back home with you after the wedding.  You can let her know how very special these pieces of jewelry are to you, they are irreplaceable.

Posted: Tuesday, January 22, 2013 12:05 PM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

Hmmm -- I agree with KML.  The text sounds like she still thinks of the jewelry as her grandmothers and it isn't.  It's yours.  


That said, it would be nice if there is something that she can wear as a remembrance of her grandmother.  When my niece got married, she wore a bracelet from each of her grandmothers who were not there.  It was very touching.  I offered to let her wear something.  I sent her pictures of the jewelry, and she picked the bracelet.  I was very clear that it was not a gift and that she was only borrowing the bracelet.  Her mother got it right back to me after the wedding.  Definitely do not give it to her until the wedding and make sure she knows that you will be taking it back home with you.

Beautiful Dreamer
Posted: Tuesday, January 22, 2013 12:28 PM
Joined: 12/10/2012
Posts: 27

I can certainly understand how you must be feeling. I agree with the others in saying bring it to the wedding and return home with it........


For me personally I would be feeling just like you. My Mother's things are priceless to me......I treasure them.



.Beautiful Dreamer

Posted: Tuesday, January 22, 2013 1:48 PM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433

Thank you so much for your replies. I have been so upset over this. I know it's the right thing to do to allow her to wear something of her Grandma's at her wedding. I don't have a problem with that. I know Mom would want that. But as was stated - the jewelry is mine now. She wouldn't have texted me and said "I want to come up and go through YOUR jewelry and pick something out to wear to the wedding" and that's pretty much what she's saying here. I'm just so worried that something will happen to it, like it will get lost, stolen, broken - while it's out of my site. You know?! It scares me ALOT!!!
dj okay
Posted: Tuesday, January 22, 2013 4:22 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840

To relieve your mind, why don't you take the piece she picks out to the jeweler's before the wedding to get it checked out, make sure all the points are firm and in good shape, the clasps are working properly, etc.  It's a lot harder to lose or damage a piece of jewelry that's in good condition. 


BTW, I agreed with the others as well.  I think the text was probably worded badly.  She should have asked instead of it sounding like a given.  But if you don't have a problem with her borrowing a  piece from your mother's collection, take some precautions.


Also, if the jewelry has some value in monetary terms (obviously, it's priceless to you), you should have it appraised and add a rider to your homeowner's policy to cover it.  My DIL recently had a couple really nice pieces stolen and the insurance only paid about half of what it was worth.  So I'm in the process of getting all mine appraised and will a that rider to insure them.

Posted: Friday, January 25, 2013 2:20 PM
Joined: 12/1/2011
Posts: 625

Ah, youth... (i'm hoping that's why she was so thoughtless)


I wonder if you are in a place to make this a "teachable moment"? 


Have you responded to her text yet? 


I might say something like..."Did you mean, may I borrow something of Grandma's to wear to my wedding? I think it would be a lovely way to honor her and have her at your wedding. Right now I am still mourning you're welcome to borrow something for your special day." 


Set a time, maybe a nice lunch, to let her pick and then set the guide lines...that you'll bring it with you and take it home after the service so it doesn't get lost...she might even pick something that you don't care for and you might make it your gift to her. 


A lot of things would be going through my head having been in that situation...what her mom and dad have been saying to her? close was she to her grandmother?...would her grandmother have wanted her to have a piece of her jewelry?...what your mom would have expected you to do?... 


Sending you lots of healing hugs...I know how hard it is. 



Posted: Friday, January 25, 2013 8:20 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097

No you're not being overly sensitive.


And anything other than letting her pick something and bringing it to her the morning of the wedding is not acceptable.


The thing you have to be careful with here is not only loss of stones or breaking the piece, but with the price of metals up so high you run the risk of someone pawning the item ($ for the wedding perhaps), thinking they could get it back by the time the wedding comes and then losing the item in pawn.


Some might even take a heavy gold piece to a gold buyer and pick up a significant amount of money and the piece is lost forever.



Posted: Saturday, January 26, 2013 4:31 PM
Joined: 8/7/2012
Posts: 218

You are right.  I would not part with any jewelry, but maybe the few hours of the wedding.  If it were my situation though, I would be the one picking out what she could wear.  Jewelry can get lost pretty easily. 





Posted: Saturday, January 26, 2013 4:31 PM
Joined: 8/7/2012
Posts: 218

You are right.  I would not part with any jewelry, but maybe the few hours of the wedding.  If it were my situation though, I would be the one picking out what she could wear.  Jewelry can get lost pretty easily. 





King Boo
Posted: Saturday, January 26, 2013 6:14 PM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 3536

You are not being overly sensitive.  She is presumptuous.


She should have called and asked.  (This texting thing is going to give me ulcers one day - it is used so inappropriately with poor boundaries).


If she was close to Mom, the idea is a nice tribute.  But you know her best - it could also be a bid for a piece.  I like the teachable moment idea - make clear it is not a gift, but only a loan in tribute for a few hours. 


What's the scoop with your sibling - any chance there is a feed in "my daughter should have a piece"? 

Posted: Saturday, January 26, 2013 10:26 PM
Joined: 1/18/2013
Posts: 13

My opinion is, don't loan her anything you can't bear to part with.  My niece, whom I adore, apparently broke an expensive camera of ours as an accident.  She was in no place to repair or replace it.  Sigh.  Which is worse, her reaction to you saying no, or your reaction to her somehow losing it accidentally?  (Much less to her having ulterior motives.)  One of our nieces may have sold the heirloom silver we gave to her as a gift; the evidence suggests it.  It hurt my husband very much, and that was after he GAVE it to her.  She just didn't have the feeling for it that he did.  How much did this neice put into caring for your mother, I'm wondering?  In my opinion, you didn't overreact.  I think you are sensing your inner alarm bells.  Monetary issues between my brother and I were magnified in an unpleasant way when my husband died.  He didn't think money should be discussed when I needed some.  But it sure was when he wanted some.  If people have a sense of entitlement, they may be aghast that you don't think they should take what they want.  What did she give when your mother was ill?  What a rats' nest, right when you need to be resting!  May God Bless you with a sense of clarity, appropriateness, calm and wisdom.  May the Holy Spirit guide your eyes, hands and heart when you choose.  May this girl grow in grace as her marriage  unfolds.  Amen


Posted: Monday, January 28, 2013 11:08 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433

Wow, nessa! You have a wonderful way with words. You obvisouly nailed it. Yes, she is young and in that texting generation. I used to work with a girl who said that her generation killed the art of writing a letter with e-mails. And now this generation is killing the art of telephone etiquette with texting.


Mom's jewelry has no signicant monetary value. However, it has a huge sentimental value to me. I have already decided I will only part with it during the few short hours of the wedding. And I will have eyes on it the whole entire time - my daughter is in the wedding. She will have strict instructions to keep tabs on it the whole time!! I will send the item with my daughter the morning of the wedding and she or I will bring it home after the wedding. She knows how upset this whole thing has made me and she is in total agreement with me. As far as how close this niece was to Mom - I think she had been close to her, however she had not come to see her much after she went to live in the nursing home because she couldn't "handle it". I didn't like it either but she was still my Mom. So that still bothers me. And as far as my brother goes I don't think he would put her up to anything. Her Mom...


I do worry about one of the necklaces getting broken. And I am worried it is the one she will choose. It's a cross and it's the one she is wearing in the picture that was displayed at the funeral home. I noticed that it has become very fragile at the very top of the cross. So if she chooses it I will definitely preach to her that it is becoming very weak in that spot. The other is a strand of pearls that she wore to every wedding, graduation, etc. I actually bought it for her so it is VERY special to me. I know she loved it because she wore it SO much. She wore it at her funeral. That was the last time it was worn and I don't know how I feel about it being worn. Not just yet.


Thank you everyone for all for your input, words of wisdom and advice. You have all been so wonderful over the past several months. I don't know what I would have done without you!

Posted: Monday, January 28, 2013 1:25 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414

Ocean, don't offer those 2 necklaces then. You can explain to her why, and that should be good enough of an explanation. You don't want pearls rolling down the isle, or the cross go missing due to it's weakness.


Take them out of any "offering" of jewelry to wear. You don't need to stress the day of the wedding. Remember? Take care of YOU first.