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Grief delayed
Posted: Wednesday, July 29, 2015 5:39 PM
Joined: 7/26/2015
Posts: 26

I wonder if anyone out there is having my experience. My Mom died 5 years ago, but I feel like I didn't really start grieving her loss till this past year. I think after she died what I felt the most was relief. And I felt really guilty about that, but I just didn't want to see her suffering anymore. I wanted it all to be over. And the selfish part of me wanted it over for myself too. I wanted a normal life again. And I miss her terribly. She was my best friend. But I lost her long before she died. Maybe that's the key. That I started mourning her years ago so I've already grieved? All I know is I miss her now more than ever.

Posted: Thursday, July 30, 2015 1:12 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4122

There should be lots of articles and books about delayed grief i am not experienced with this
Posted: Thursday, July 30, 2015 9:30 AM
Joined: 7/21/2014
Posts: 1164

Please do not beat yourself up for feeling relief for yourself and your mother when she escaped this evil illness. I think deep down, we all feel that way.
I am only 10 1/2 months into "widowhood", but I believe I have grieved since my husband died and of course before. I was speaking to a friend a few days ago who lost his wife to cancer about 8 years ago. He told me that the 5th year was the hardest. He thought he was fine and had dealt with everything, then it hit him. He has now pretty much made a new life for himself, but thought it was odd that his mourning was so deep at 5 years, as your's is. Don't know if it will help, but at least you know you are not alone. Leanne

Posted: Friday, July 31, 2015 5:22 PM
Joined: 7/26/2015
Posts: 26

Thanks, Leanne, that does help. I guess we never really stop grieving, but it surprised me that mine seemed to get worse after so many years.

Posted: Saturday, August 1, 2015 12:39 AM
Joined: 9/4/2014
Posts: 418

hi writervicki.

I don't think it ever goes away, i think your normal to feel that way, there is a saying ,( you don't know the worth of your parents till you see their empty chair } that sure is the truth. hang in there and come back , there is a lot of support here.


Posted: Tuesday, August 4, 2015 3:11 PM
Joined: 7/26/2015
Posts: 26

Thank you, Joel.

Posted: Wednesday, August 5, 2015 11:04 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Grief is a complex process and it is unique to everyone. I felt grief, I felt relief, I felt guilt, I felt lost, sometimes in that order and sometimes all switched around. The constant is grief, it ebbs and it tides.

After the passing, I know for myself, I felt like I hit a brick wall. I was going and going and going for so long, that when my parents passed, I ran full speed into that brick wall and slid down into a heap. That's the best way I can describe it. It settled down after awhile, but there are things along the way that kick up the very strong feelings of grief again. I'm in one of those right now, with the sale of my parents' home, the grief is back very strong.

I expect things will settle again and a new wave will start. It's very hard to lose someone. There is a book called on Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross that I found to be very helpful and maybe you will too. We're not taught how to maneuver grief and it is a hard process. I'm going to need to read the book again, too.

Take care.