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Peace
blfbrat
Posted: Monday, February 1, 2016 11:37 AM
Joined: 2/15/2014
Posts: 168


I miss my Jerry like the dickens, and last week, I went back in the caregivers for a spouse, where I used to post.  There were all these post on anger, pain, falls, meds , fear, dementia, exhaustion and incontinence. It dawned at me, he is really finally at peace after dealing with lots of illnesses for 15 years.  But the other part dawned on me,  I can finally be at peace too.  This was a long painful journey we took together, but we are both at the end of journey.  I can not imagine he would want to come back like that again, nor would I want him to.
hvhartman
Posted: Monday, February 1, 2016 11:49 AM
Joined: 11/23/2015
Posts: 114


Thank you for your kind words.  We are still on the journey so hearing these thoughts is a blessing.   We are both dealing with appreciating the two sides of this coin - valuing the time we have together while looking for closure and peace.  I am glad you are able to see both sides as well and have the kindness to share your feelings.  May you be blessed with the fullness of life as you move on.
Sea Field
Posted: Monday, February 1, 2016 12:52 PM
Joined: 8/5/2012
Posts: 1872


I too miss my DH like the dickens.  And I too am at peace.

I remember what it was like a year ago.  I would not want him to have to go through that ever again.  Nor would I want to go through that for myself.  

I am grateful for the years we had together (30).  A part of me wishes there had been more.  But there wasn't.  So I will remember what we had and at the same time I will find a way to move forward.

Blessings to all who travel this road,   Cynthia   


Ukie
Posted: Thursday, February 4, 2016 2:01 PM
Joined: 12/16/2013
Posts: 352


blfbrat,

I do agree with you that now my wife and I are at peace but at times I still have a difficult time convincing myself that I'm better off. At times, I find it difficult to overcome missing her ,her companionship and the loneliness. Time does seem to be helping but not fast enough. Sometimes I feel that some people really don't comprehend the emptiness one feels when they lose their love one. Through no fault of their own. Wishing everyone peace of mind and comfort.


Agent 99
Posted: Thursday, February 4, 2016 2:45 PM
Joined: 6/7/2013
Posts: 2166


It seems that even after my sweetie found his peace I am still on the roller coaster and feel like it's going faster with more treacherous turns.  One moment I feel one way then the next moment I feel another.  

When I read your post the other day I was in full agreement.  After a few days of "reliving" our lasts days together my feelings have irrationally changed.  thankfully I had read here and on other end of life sites that I had to tell my sweetie it was okay for him to leave.  I phrased it like this, "sweetie, find your peace, do your favorite experiment, ... " and he decided to take that path.  

Perhaps it's the emergence of the anger phase but I'm upset about it now.  Intellectually I know it was absolutely the right thing to say and for him to do.  Emotionally I can't accept that he really didn't want to fight another fight and that I gave into the malicious forces destroying him.  He is not here - that's all I know.  There is peace from the embodiment of dementia and all its tentacles but there is no peace from its ravages yet for me.  

I hate to put this out there but this is the only place I have to express safely.  I am going to my therapist tonight who I haven't seen in over a year.  Alzconnected got me through that year.


jfkoc
Posted: Thursday, February 4, 2016 5:15 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 20118


He is not here...that is pretty much how I feel. There is just a great hole which will never be filled. Can I do things which keep me busy...can I laugh...is every moment filled with despair?
No, but somehow all of it comes back to the hole.

A losing hand.
Posted: Thursday, February 4, 2016 6:28 PM
Joined: 1/16/2013
Posts: 367


I 'm glad that some people have found peace.  I haven't.  I think the only time I will find

peace is when my time is up. And that can't happen soon enough.  It's been 4 months since my wife passed and just about everything I do reminds me of her. I don't think of all the good times, I just keep replaying the last 9 years over and over in my head.

We can close our eyes to the things we don't want to see.  But we can't close our heart to the things we don't want to feel.        Good luck to everyone.


Lesley Jean
Posted: Thursday, February 4, 2016 6:57 PM
Joined: 2/13/2013
Posts: 2965


I miss my Jerry so much, each and every day. Yet, I am glad he is no longer in pain, struggling and being miserable not being able to do things that he loved. For this I have peace.  My heart still continues to break, a little every day with loneliness and wanting my whole Jerry back. 

 


Joyce_S
Posted: Friday, February 5, 2016 7:42 PM
Joined: 11/28/2012
Posts: 211


I'm working on finding peace.  I find myself sleeping in mom's bed at night, I don't want to let go of her.  I need to feel like I'm with her.  It was so hard, but I'd do it all again.  I'm just not ready to face the loss yet.  How do you not feel such loss when your life was so intertwined with this person, this lovely, loving person?

Baby steps, right?

I thank all of you that there is this understanding.

I don't know how much time is enough time....


Joyce_S
Posted: Friday, February 5, 2016 8:07 PM
Joined: 11/28/2012
Posts: 211


Ukie,

When you have time, could you repost the words that you posted from your minister?  I was much too hasty ...


terromari
Posted: Sunday, February 14, 2016 3:39 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 859


I miss my love so much. But I remember how frightened he looked at how hard it was for him to breathe. As much as I miss him I am so grateful to have had him in my life and now that he no longer suffers I realize all more how special he was and even with his alz how happy he made me. See you later my sweet prince.
Lorita
Posted: Thursday, February 18, 2016 1:14 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 13373


Hi terromari,

 I just read your post from Feb. 14 about how scared your husband looked when it was hard for him to breathe.

 It brought back all he memories from the morning before I lost Charles the next night.  It was early and he was having such a hard time breathing.  We were holding onto each other and I was crying but telling him it was okay to go - that he'd be with his mother and dad and sisters.  His psychiatrist always came in every morning and he came in while he was struggling.  I asked him if this was it and he nodded.  But, it wasn't.  They gave him some medicine to calm him and a breathing treatment and he actually seemed to improve that day.  The next morning his lung sounds on one side were better but none on the other.  I lost him that night at 10:30.

 I feel so lucky to have had him those almost 44 years and I miss him so much, too.  I don't think I'll ever get over it.  Some days I make it all right and others not quite so much but I'm not crying as much unless I begin to dwell on something which I try not to do.  There's no bringing him back and I wouldn't for him to be so sick like he was after he developed the aspiration pneumonia - but, before that things were all right and I'd go back to that because he seemed happy.