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advice needed on how cgvr can intercede on lo's behalf
Posted: Thursday, September 15, 2016 10:05 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608

sometimes I wish my husband would intercede on my behalf. He does it at church and at grocery or when we go out in public which is not very often anymore.

I was wishing he would answer the phone when/if my family calls again but he was harassed by them and I think I told him to be careful aggravating them as it comes back on me.

I have difficulty speaking now and dislike the pressure I feel when handed a phone.

any ideas or experience in what he could do? I suggested he answer phone and if they want to speak to me to say, "she is not feeling up to phone calls but you can leave a message with me." kind of weak and I think they started rumors he was preventing me from speaking to them in past.

Has anyone helped you out of a jam or weird spot that you could share with me how they did that?

open to any thing that will increase my sense of being protected and safe.

Michael Ellenbogen
Posted: Friday, September 16, 2016 6:22 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 4499

I am sorry as I don’t have answer for you. I could only think of is to discuss this with him but I know I have difficulty doing that so not sure if that is the same issue for you.


Posted: Friday, September 16, 2016 7:13 AM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 2012

Hi, Alz+, You are very smart and I read your posts all the time.  This is what we have done.  We are very busy taking care of both my parents so we don't have time for useless phone calls from people who don't help.  We have our phone on caller ID.  We let it go to message if we don't want to answer or are too busy to answer.  To make a stronger point, my husband will sometimes pick up the phone and then hang up. I have at times unplugged the phone completely.  That stops the unwanted phone calls. If they cared enough they would respect your preferred methods of communication. Make sure to take care of yourself.  No one else will ever be able to take better care of you than you.
Agent 99
Posted: Friday, September 16, 2016 9:14 AM
Joined: 6/7/2013
Posts: 2166

I can relate with the antics of your mom.  Mine calls to dump her toxic comments and actions about my ailing 91 yo stepfather and the rest of the world. The latest is that she refuses to become a caregiver.  She will not miss her social activities.  Anyway, when my sweetie was alive, I selected a unique phone ring that was for his calls so I knew I had to run and get the phone.  Everyone else could go to voicemail and be dealt with when I felt like it.

My rationale for not always answering the phone, then and now, is based on:

1.  I don't live close enough to anyone to go and assist in an emergency.  So it's not going to matter if I immediately answer or I wait a while until I am in the right headspace.

2.  If a family member passes away, its' the same thing.  I'm going to have to travel so again, do I really need to get that information immediately?  No.  Of course, if the caller is someone I want to support, etc. I don't hesitate to pick up the phone.

3.  Everything my mother calls about is a 911 call.  She wants me to order paper towels from Costco online, she wants to make me remember something, she wants to correct my memory of something, she had a car accident, my stepdad's nose is bleeding - it's all 911.  If I don't answer and I call later I get the third degree,  Where were you?  What were you doing?  I just say - I was walking Chaos or I was taking a nap or I was in the bathroom....I rarely tell her what I'm really doing because then it's another inquisition,  I don't need or want this.  So I don't answer.

So my advice, is turn the ringer down or off.  Let the answering machine screen calls either silently or with volume.  Call them back on your terms - when you are feeling up to it.

My sweetie never answered the phone even before dementia.  He didn't get many calls but if one of his sons called and he didn't want to talk to him, he didn't.  I just said he was out in the yard.

I do hope you figure out a workable solution for yourself.  

Iris L.
Posted: Friday, September 16, 2016 3:27 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18707

If your husband is talking with them, and they ask for you, he might say, "she's taking a nap" or "she's outside," and "would you like to leave a message?"  That should be enough.  I also like the idea of letting the calls go to voicemail.

Iris L.

Posted: Monday, September 19, 2016 8:18 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408

Screen the calls. If keeper says you're not up to taking a call they will persist all the more. Less is best for both he and you. They WILL try to get to you through him. Personality disordered persons love to play games. They thrive off of chaos! It's important you and keeper both don't get caught in the traps they set. If there are too many calls you can block their phone #'s intermittently. If there is a true emergency let them send you a telegram.

Don't show your cards when you're feeling vulnerable! This is what they want. To know they are getting to you and making you miserable! Give the perception that you are really happy, doing well and have moved on! Any excuses for you not being available for taking a call should all be centered on your doing something positive, you're having fun, you're happy, you are out and about, you met a new friend, you have visitors, you won a trip, a 2nd honeymoon etc. The more happy you and Keeper sound the better!

Agent 99 is right. Every call will be a 911 call! An urgent call with news you must know! Delete the messages on the answering machine. 

Posted: Monday, September 19, 2016 8:51 AM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 2790

As other's have suggested - let the calls go to voicemail. There is no rule that just because the phone rings you have to answer it. You can even turn the ringer on the phone off - then everyone whom call will get your answering machine.


Posted: Monday, September 19, 2016 11:20 AM
Joined: 2/24/2016
Posts: 1096

Alz+, llee is so right.  Those kind of people enjoy knowing of any and creating misery for you.  Don't give them any ammunition.  I no longer take calls from family members who are toxic.  They are no longer in contact with me.  I tried for years to make it work, but eventually had to see that this was the only way.  I wish I could have worked it out, but you do what you have to do to protect yourself from people who are h***bent on making you miserable.  Life is too short to play their games.  Sending you a big hug.  Hang in there and stay strong.