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do I tell my mom her daughter in law died
kim g
Posted: Friday, September 16, 2016 7:42 PM
Joined: 9/14/2016
Posts: 1

My mom has moderate/middle stage alzheimer's. Short term memory gone. Her daughter in law passed and I don't know if it will be to trauma inducing to tell her and take her to the service. I'm so torn over this. She lived with my brother & his wife up until 5 years ago when she moved in with me. They have only come to visit once, VERY rarely call. She saw her about 2-3 months ago and every blue moon brings her up. She knew she was sick but did not understand she was terminal. She will find out over the holidays that she passed but it will be chaotic and a confusing time for her so it might just go in one ear and out the other. She does hold emotions but is not able to attach them to a situation. Any advice would be appreciated.
Iris L.
Posted: Friday, September 16, 2016 10:17 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16574

Kim, I am going to repost your question in the General Caregiver's board, so that it will get more responses.  Please look for your name, "kim g".

Here is the web address of your new thread:

Iris L.

Posted: Monday, September 19, 2016 12:23 PM
Joined: 9/19/2016
Posts: 3

HEllo, I wouldn't tell her. We have had quite a few family members pass since my moms been ill. We have not told her.
Posted: Monday, March 27, 2017 11:42 AM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 16

I made the mistake of telling my mother when her aunt died and boy was that a mistake. She cried till I changed the subject and even then I could still see that the feelings were still there.
Posted: Monday, April 3, 2017 8:56 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3560

Intent is 98% of effect. What a conundrum. Seek peace and pursue it.

Iris - I don't know how you did that but on behalf of everyone who has this illness or cares for someone with it, well done!

Tammy O
Posted: Monday, September 4, 2017 10:42 AM
Joined: 4/22/2015
Posts: 11

It's up to you, but someone with short term memory will not remember a day from now. However, they will remember the feeling of loss. When my dad was at that stage, and his cousins etc... began to die, we simply didn't tell him, yet we talk about them frequently. There comes a point where the anxiety level isn't worth the short term need to do what would be right under normal circumstances. 

I just know that when my uncle died, my grandmother went downhill after that. Unfortunately, with this disease, emotions are high on a daily basis, much less when seeing a loved one die. 

It's a hard decision, and one only you can make. I can only offer my experience. Bless your heart. Tammy 

Mimi S.
Posted: Wednesday, September 6, 2017 8:27 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 7029

Sometimes the recommendation is to tell them once. And after that iut's whatever fiblet works.

Since they visited your mom so seldom, I'd skip the services.