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I still post in caregivers ...
Moish
Posted: Monday, October 3, 2016 8:47 PM
Joined: 7/29/2016
Posts: 319


... because I think I want to think I still am taking care of my mother. Not that it was fun, but this means she's dead. This is the end of the road. And I don't want it to be the end of the road. 

I want to stamp my feet and shout, I don't want her to be dead. 

My heart hurts. 


KML
Posted: Wednesday, October 5, 2016 2:26 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Moish:

By posting in the caregivers' forum you are helping those who are going through the things you did.  You are giving them a perspective which is always helpful.

Four years later after my dad's passing, I still post in the caregivers' forum.  If I feel there is something I can say to someone that will be helpful to them, then that's a good thing.

After my dad passed, I didn't know where I belonged.  It takes time for us to adjust to this new way of living and I believe that what's you are doing, very normal and to be expected.

We end up feeling like we're in limbo for a while after our loved ones pass away.  We have to readjust everything, so take care and be patient with yourself.  I wish you peace in your heart, it will come eventually.


Still Waters
Posted: Wednesday, October 5, 2016 3:12 PM
Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092


Your so good KML.

Moish
Posted: Wednesday, October 5, 2016 6:18 PM
Joined: 7/29/2016
Posts: 319


It's harder this week than the last -- this is week 3. I had no idea I'd miss her this much; we had an often rocky relationship. But there we are, I miss her terribly.
jfkoc
Posted: Wednesday, October 5, 2016 8:18 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19631


Moish...it will run its' course in its' own time. One thing....I found that it did get better but it was slow! I am looking at one year ago tomorrow that we were on count down.
Still Waters
Posted: Thursday, October 6, 2016 7:33 AM
Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092


Moish, I found that to be true too. As time went by, the harder it got because the reality set in. The missing them part gets stronger as each week goes by. I started on anti-depressants because I could not take the pain and sadness, it is helping but now I just feel numb. I guess it better than anxiety, panic attacks and crying all day long. Like you, I just want my mother back. I look at photos and watch video's every day on my phone so that I don't forget her voice and her face. I just can't even believe that I have to do that. Now the only way I can see her is on my phone.Someone who was with me every day of my life for as long as I have been on this earth, gone now. Before I leave the house I go in her bedroom and say goodbye. And when I get home I go in the living room, look at the wheel chair and talk to her. Seems not real. Not normal. I never knew I would feel so lost.

Moish
Posted: Thursday, October 6, 2016 1:52 PM
Joined: 7/29/2016
Posts: 319


Still Waters, you're brave to look at videos and photos.  I can't do that, not yet. I can't listen to the voice messages on my phone from her. I know two of them were very angry, and I want to delete them, but to do that I'd need to listen to all of them to see which they are -- and I can't. I may ask my daughter to do that for me when she feels ready. 

But I am OK with the pain, it's natural. I need to feel it. It will lessen, I've seen in others how it lessens, how the loss gets integrated in time. I'll get there, we all will. But for now the pain is how it should be. Something would be really wrong if I didn't feel the sadness and the pain. 


Still Waters
Posted: Thursday, October 6, 2016 2:20 PM
Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092


I'm not okay with the pain. I don't deserve to feel this way. I can't take it.



VKB
Posted: Thursday, October 6, 2016 2:40 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 3689


When my mother passed from advanced dementia, I felt like I had PTSD.  Taking care of someone with this illness is against all norms.  And when they die, this too is a shock to our minds and hearts.  I hope everyone who has finished the battle will slowly but surely find peace.  Veronica
Still Waters
Posted: Thursday, October 6, 2016 2:47 PM
Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092


Thank you Veronica. I definitely have PSTD. Been in the trenches way too long.