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Issues with MIL bringing everything back
Posted: Saturday, November 12, 2016 9:48 PM
Joined: 1/27/2014
Posts: 242

First Mom's headstone was installed this week. It's beautiful but still, it makes everything more, I don't know, permanent if that makes sense.


Now my MIL is in the hospital and though she does not have dementia, her refusal to evaluate her situation reasonably is bringing back all the feelings of frustration I felt with my mom when she was in denial, refusing help of any kind.


I am struggling not to transfer that frustration but it's so hard. Is this part of my grieving? I just had my first dream of my mom as she was before she was even diagnosed with MCI. Very up and down this week.

Agent 99
Posted: Saturday, November 12, 2016 11:39 PM
Joined: 6/7/2013
Posts: 2166

I know exactly what you are going through.  I thank you so much for posting this because I wanted to but haven't been posting for a while;, etc.

I am at my 85 yo moms house dealing with my 91 yo stepdad who just slipped out of bed onto the floor.  I arrived here at 3 AM after a 3 hour drive when my mother called me on Thurdsay to say he fell and as going to ER.  He was discharged today and didn't go to rehab because my mom can't deal with the situation.  There's so much to write but I'm exhausted.

Big issue tonight is that I called for a lift assist against their wishes.  My dad asked us to try to pick him up and mom looked at me like let's do it and I said I am not hurting my back plus I know we cannot get him up.  I had to blurt out that this is what I did for my 69 yo sweetie.  She stopped harassing me.  I never told my mother all the things I did during my sweeties journey.  Now that I am redoing stuff coupled with my mom's hyperactive neurosis and and narcissism , like positioning my stepdad's penis in the urinal in the hospital, I'm beginning to feel like I'm going to dive off a cliff into a deep depression that I have so far avoided since my sweetie passed nine months ago.

I guess we need to be here like before and help each other to survive the now and what's to come.

Veterans kid
Posted: Tuesday, November 15, 2016 8:24 PM
Joined: 10/17/2014
Posts: 1239

It's rough to have those  feelings brought back up to the surface, and especially so soon, isn't it?

Definitely sounds like an emotional week.

 I would say that it ties in with your grieving, but even if it was 10 years from now and you were dealing with your mother-in-law or anyone and bringing up those same type of feelings and frustrations of course that's gonna make you remember and bring  you back to how it was with your mom.  

 There's a gentleman on hospice I went to visit on Thursday, our hospice has a certificate that they hand out to all the veterans so I had delivered a few of them that day. This gentleman has lung cancer, so he was very alert but his hands...  The movements and even the skin color reminded me so much of my dad's that it was kind of unnerving. Of course I didn't tell him this I mean it's not his fault, but certain things just popped right out and there really isn't too much you can do about it  because we don't have any warning when that's going to happen. 

 As for the dream, how did you feel? Was it mixed emotions like you were happy to see her before ALZ? But sad because she's gone? 

Also having the headstone in place-that's weighing in you and another "first". 

 I haven't for a while, but a couple months after my dad died I was having dreams where he was way worse in the dream than he ever was in real life. It wasn't the same dream over and over, but a few dreams, and that was a reoccurring theme that he  physically and mentally he was just so much worse than he ever was. I think, and I could be wrong, that it was part of my subconscious always worrying about him  and trying to prepare myself and him for any thing and everything. Once I came to the realization that in reality he wasn't that bad, the dreams like that stopped. now I hope I didn't jinx myself by bringing it up-LOL

 Thinking of you, and sending hugs and endless pop tarts  


Always be VK

Posted: Thursday, November 17, 2016 12:21 AM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 2007

Hi, bonus, I think your feeling of the headstone making things feel more permanent is why I am lingering in getting a headstone done. I've turned it into this complex project that may take years.

I think that now you know all these signs of anosognosia you recognize them faster now so of course it is more frustrating with your MIL because you know the whole road ahead.  You already went on that road with your mom.

I get it with the dreaming too. I have had dreams where my dad is laughing and strong like he was before, energetic and happy. I've also had nightmares where he broke something or was rotting away in his grave.

I decided to follow something I heard about when I think of the person I love to give something to someone living on the earth in their memory.

That should get rid of some of the clutter in the house and it makes me feel good to give it in his memory plus it gives me the chance to talk about him in a meaningful way.

It's getting to the point where my family members seem to think I should be done grieving so I'm grateful to have a place to come to where others are also going through these thoughts and feelings.

Agent 99
Posted: Thursday, November 17, 2016 11:42 AM
Joined: 6/7/2013
Posts: 2166

Update on my step dad - they found a large mass in his lung most certainly cancer, he fractured his L2 vertebra and it is unstable, needs surgery but will not be done.  Today we are moving him to inpatient hospice.   I've been doing day duty in the hospital and mother staying at night.  THe overlap is the hardest part because of her typical mini nervous breakdowns that she throws.  Of course she has a right and I appreciate it, but the next minute she's kibitzing with the staff and whoever walks by.  

SO now I have to keep explaining the death process and get her responses like, he is so clear this morning, he remembered this and that, he doesn't have dementia, and the litany of other guilt laden comments.  I keep reminding her that this is a time to cherish and enjoy what time is left and not bicker about his kids, the color of his bruises, blah blah blah.

I want to sit in silence and she just wants to say whatever comes to her mind.  This is why I told her not to come when my sweetie was dying and that she had to talk through my brother.

This year I lost my sweetie in January, my dad in August and now my step dad is on his way to join them.  I haven't grieved yet but it's coming when I get out of here and stop being the chief executive officer of all this healthcare and dying business.  

Meanwhile, his kids don't even make arrangements to come.  Just told them he's off to hospice and the response was how long do the doctors think he will last?  What is with THESE people?

Posted: Saturday, November 19, 2016 2:12 PM
Joined: 1/27/2014
Posts: 242

I have been talking with the hospice social worker. I feel so grateful she is there to help me through everything. She suggested I take a backseat with my MIL for now. She is being cared for in rehab and her 3 children and numerous nieces and nephews are visiting. I'm happy for my husband that he has involved siblings and they are working together to figure out next steps.


I am learning to say no to things I am not ready to do and not feel guilty about that. I love the dreams where my mom is healthy and happy. I wake up so grateful and with such a peaceful feeling. But I also have dreams where my mom needs me and I can't get to her. I understand those because that's pretty much how I felt in her last years. 
MPSunshine, I also have family and friends who think it's ridiculous I still struggle with my grief. And I'm very grateful you are all here because you get it!!
Agent 99, I am praying for you. You have already been through so much loss and are so strong. I wish for you a time of peace and maybe a long vacation soon. Please take care of yourself. It has helped me to know I am not alone feeling the way I do. Hugs to you!

Agent 99
Posted: Sunday, November 20, 2016 10:48 PM
Joined: 6/7/2013
Posts: 2166


The social worker gave you great advice.  So glad that other family members are present.  Your post was very helpful to me and gave me the strength to say no and recognize my limits in this journey.  My stepdad dad just passed away about an hour ago.  

While I wanted to be there to support my mom it was just too difficult for me to sit vigil in his final hours.  Fortunately his 3 and sons and a DIL did show up on Saturday and left midday today.  I stayed home all day and night yesterday.  TOday I went in to see them just before their scheduled departure since I haven't seen them in over 20 years. 

  One son was going to leave later.  Since he was there with my mom I left to run an errand for a few hours.  When I returned I realized I could not stay in the room a second longer. This would mean my mother would be alone tonight in the hospice facility.  

For a week my younger brother kept telling me to let him know when I needed him to travel here.  I finally came into awareness that I could not continue until the end.  So I let my brother know and he called the son who was going to leave this evening.  He decided to stay with my mother.  They were both asleep when he passed.  I am waiting at my mother's home for them to return.

It amazes me how we live parallel lives.  We are so blessed to have this forum to reach out and teach out.  Thank you again for posting this. We are still each other's  caregivers.