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Joined: 5/19/2015
Posts: 11
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I seem to be stuck in a continuous cycle of getting anxious about whether or not I might forget to do something important. For instance, I was nagging and crabbing at my husband for a furious couple of minutes because I wanted him to write something down (to remember to fill out important paperwork) because I was afraid I wouldn't remember to remind him again to do it. I know this sounds crazy but I was always the part of our team that filled out important paperwork, scheduled everything, and do the filing. It was never my husbands strength and I created this monster by doing it all myself. He handles the home improvement. I am REALLY having an issue with letting go of this and trusting him to take over many of these tasks. I know it is about me not dealing well with losing control and having to give up my independence. What I need are some practice solutions on how to "help" him take on these new responsibilities. Any ideas would be great.
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Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18715
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I'm a big believer in making lists and in marking tasks from my To Do list on my wall calendar. If I have an appointment, I outline the calendar date in red, so I will know at a glance that I must prepare myself to leave my home at a certain time.
I write everything in my notebook which I call "my other brain." I make my To Do list the night before, then check tasks off as the day proceeds. If there is something very important, I may use a post-it note on my computer monitor or elsewhere where I am sure to see it, to remind myself.
If I have a thought that needs attention come into my mind , I will write it down immediately in my other brain, because I know it most likely will slip my mind in a few seconds. Before Exelon patch and Best Practices, I would not even have a few seconds to write down a thought. It would vanish immediately.
I find that I can do most of everything that I used to do, but it takes me longer, and I don't do detailed work. I must simplify as much as possible. Accommodation and compensation are key words.
Other members will have other ideas to contribute. I'm glad we can share like this.
Iris L.
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Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18715
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As to worrying about forgetting, I have learned not to worry about that. I just don't. I still get upset when I might overlook something, or forget something, but I don't worry about it. In the beginning, I thought about what were the most important tasks that I had to do. That was feeding myself, feeding my cats, and paying my bills. So I put some of my bills on autopay, and made a system for paying my other bills. I keep at least one month's worth of cat food in the house, so I don't run out, (also litter). As for myself, I keep enough canned and frozen food so that I don't run out. So I'm covered.
As to everything else, a lot of things don't get done. I take things slowly and work on my lists. Some tasks got dropped from the list. Slowly, things eventually get done. I just don't worry about them.
Iris L.
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Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18715
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I overlooked something very important. It is vital to avoid multitasking! Do only one task at a time. This really helps.
Iris L.
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Joined: 12/3/2016
Posts: 374
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Like Iris I also depend on lists to get through my day. I use a marker board to remind me to take meds and lots of reminders about what I want/need to do each day. Erase each thing as it gets done so I don't have to think about it anymore. I also keep a notebook on my side table to jot down things that come up during the day. I have found this helpful to remind me of things to remind my husband about.
Glad to have you here.
--Lynda
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Joined: 2/24/2016
Posts: 1096
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Rightmind,
I know exactly how you feel. I have handled all the paperwork, finances and bill paying since we have been married. My husband was never very good at that stuff. He was in debt and had many over due bills when I met him. I just took over everything when we got married and have been doing it since. I got us completely out of debt and have never missed a payment. However, I am progressively having more trouble handling these tasks and know I need to start making sure husband can take over before I start making a mess of things. However ever like you I am afraid he will end up doing what he did before I met him and let things go and end up with over due bills again. It is making me so nervous. I keep reminding him that when I can no longer take care of these things how important it will be that he can step up and make sure bills get paid. I am praying that things will work out in the end. I was always a bit of a control freak when it came to financial matters. It's so hard to let go of some responsibilities. But if progression continues I will have to learn to chill and just let go. I'm definitely feeling your frustration.
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Joined: 2/24/2016
Posts: 1096
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I forgot to add that I make sure he is with me when I do these things now and each time I have him take on a little more responsibility. I don't want to throw too much at him at one time. Hopefully by the time I am unable to manage he will have the hang of things. Better to ease him in gradually than for him to be overwhelmed all at once. So far I am impressed with him understanding how important this is for my peace of mind and our finances. I'm sure if you explain how important this is to you, your husband will understand and step up also. Make sure you keep communicating your needs and concerns with him about other things too. They can't read our minds and can't help if they don't know what's going on or what needs to be done. Also make sure you encourage him to voice his concerns and needs too. He is also struggling with all the changes and may need some emotional support from you. Hope this helps.
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Joined: 12/2/2015
Posts: 1018
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I usually just forget, then there's nothing to worry about anymore. When I feel worry, I usually can't figure out what I'm worrying about. Strange world.
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Joined: 11/18/2016
Posts: 451
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Bill, you make me laugh! You're such a guy, say it like it is, you don't overthink some things like us women do. Oh, I'm assuming you're a female!Men do have different brains!
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Joined: 5/19/2015
Posts: 11
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Thank you for all of the helpful suggestions. I am somewhat of a control freak or at least WAS in my former life. With the help of a great therapist, I am having an easier time now letting things go. As a matter of fact I actually sing the "Frozen " song " Let it Go" when I start to sweat the little things. I was alway the "post-it note queen" and list maker, color coder, so now I have to look for new kinds of reminders. Couldn't function without my phone calendar, alarm, notepad, and Siri now. I am very blessed to have a very patient, flexible, understanding husband of 38 years who is my best friend. I know others are facing much worse circumstances and I am still at the point that I am pretty independent.
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Joined: 2/24/2016
Posts: 1096
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Sun,
No one is talking about giving things up just cause they want to. I am talking about being proactive and taking care of things while you are able to. Just like going to the lawyer and getting paperwork done. Doesn't mean your ready to give up. It's just getting everything in place so things will run smoother in the future. Teaching my husband while I can, how to handle the finances and take care of all our paperwork is just being proactive. That way it will be less of a struggle for him if and when the time comes that I can no longer do these things. And letting him actually do these things once in awhile is the best way for him to learn.
As far as the " letting go" I meant it is hard "letting go" of my need to do it all myself and not let him in on those responsibilities. I would never purposely let go of things that I can still do and never implied that's what one should do. I simply said I wanted to make sure my DH "can" do these things when and if the time comes that I can no longer do them.
Hope this helps you understand where I was coming from.
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