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My First Christmas All Alone
Posted: Friday, December 23, 2016 8:09 PM
Joined: 9/8/2016
Posts: 46

I lost my best friend and precious husband in October this year.  I am still so brokenhearted that it is difficult to get out of bed or make myself do anything other than is absolutely necessary.  I did make a floral arrangement for his grave of which I am going to try to attach a picture.  I think it is beautiful.  Neither my husband nor I liked the color of red even for Christmas, so thus the necessity for creating one of my own.  I had made the original one too large for the small vase that is furnished as part of the headstone. and my daughter-in-law reshaped it for me to make it smaller.

This is the first time in 64 years that I will spend Christmas Day alone.  Three of my four children live far away and will not be able to return home because of their own families and commitments.  The only son living here will be busy with his child and grandchildren, and I do not wish to intrude in that event.  So right now I am dreading the day, just hope it will pass quickly for me, and I will wake up on the day after and try my best to get on with a "normal" life.  No--I doubt that life will ever be normal again.  I will be faced with the decision of what to do with the rest of my time on this earth.  I hope it will not be for long. I am 81 years old.  My mother and my grandmother lived to be 87, so I seem to have a fairly long prospective life span.

How do you face tomorrow?  I just can't seem to find the answer.  Every day is filled with so many unanswered questions.  So sad.

File Attachment(s):
Christmas 2016 - Bill and my Headstone.jpg (181214 bytes)

Sea Field
Posted: Friday, December 23, 2016 9:00 PM
Joined: 8/5/2012
Posts: 1872

Anna,  what a beautiful floral arrangement.   It looks very nice.

I'm so sorry that any of us have to go through this kind of heartbreak.  I wish there was some way to help ease it for you.  Those early months are so very raw.  I hibernated and wept a great deal. 

My beloved passed away in April of 2015.  During that first year, I had a few more months after his passing before I had to face my first Thanksgiving/Christmas season without him.  There was absolutely nothing in me that wanted to celebrate.  I didn't even decorate until Christmas eve - and then only because I forced myself to.   I did what all of us do.  Got through it as best I could.  And of course there were tears.  And deep longing.  If only I could touch him one more time.  Look into his eyes.  Feel his arms around me.  How I wept.

I don't weep as often now.  I don't feel as raw or as broken.  I guess that means I am healing.  The loss of them never leaves us.  But maybe we somehow learn how to navigate our days a little more easily.  I don't know.  Like everyone else here, I am learning as I go.  And we each mourn and heal in our own way and in our own timing.

Sending such soft hugs to you.  I hear the heartbreak in every word of your post.  I wish there was more I could offer. 




Posted: Friday, December 23, 2016 9:50 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19632 have been on my mind and in my heart. I wish I had words to make this Sunday easier for you. There are none.

It is my second Christmas and while not as raw and painful it is filled with some pretty serious sadness off and on. After 14 months I know I will be all right...but something is missing and always will be.

Posted: Friday, December 23, 2016 10:32 PM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 12878

Hi Anna,

Your headstone is very nice and so is the floral arrangement.  I also have pictures of Charles and my headstone in my camera and phone.  Some might think it's morbid but it's kind of a comfort to me to be able to look at it and know that at least our mortal bodies will be together in that lovely place.  It's such a pretty cemetery - the oldest one in Oklahoma where all my family is.  I elected to not get a headstone with a vase for flowers - there'll be no one to place flowers after I'm gone.

 I know how hard it is for you - it's still very hard for me even though it's been almost two years since I lost Charles.  I think the holiday season - Thanksgiving and Christmas may be harder because of the Christmas shows on TV showing families and couples happily together. This will be the first Christmas I've been alone, too - Todd and Sarah came last year and that helped a lot.   The second year hasn't been much, if any, easier for me.  Like you, I miss Charles so much.  I'll be 75 next June and that's enough for me. 

  Life is a struggle - sometimes just getting out of bed and starting the day is the hardest part of the day for me.  For months and even now I'm very quiet when I get out of bed - so I won't awaken him.  I know that sounds silly but it's just a habit.  Now it's being quiet so I won't awaken Barclee who sleeps in Charles' place or Stormy who sometimes sleeps in the bedroom with us.  I really don't believe we'll ever be the same again - at least I won't - after being with the love of your life for 44 years how could it be the same?  Things we always did together taking care of the farm and the cattle and now it's just me and most of the joy is gone.  Up until the weeks before I lost him if we had a new calf I couldn't wait to get into the house to tell him about it or show him the picture I'd just taken of the new baby.  Now, there's no one to tell or show the picture. 

 Life is a struggle at it's best - now it's twice as hard and I wonder sometimes if it's worth the effort - no one to be with and enjoy doing things with  - nothing to look forward to but another day alone.  Nothing means much anymore.

 I'm sorry - just wanted to help you maybe feel better and I'm now in the midst of a pity party.  Maybe I should delete this but I do want you to know you're not alone in how you feel.  Some people are able to move on with their lives and I sincerely hope you will be able to do that - seems I can't, at least not yet.   Maybe next year?

 Sending big hugs your way - we'll get through this together - all of us.

Posted: Friday, December 23, 2016 11:00 PM
Joined: 9/8/2016
Posts: 46

Thank you, dear ones, for your responses.  It helps me to know that I am not alone in this feeling of deep pain and heartache.  Sometimes I get the feeling that no one, no person on earth could love their husbands as much as I loved mine.  I met him when I was 12, thought to myself that I was going to marry that handsome guy.  Then he completely ignored me for 2 years, later told me he was waiting for me to "grow up."  Then the Korean War came along and he was over there for 2 years.  In November 1952, he came back, asked my Dad if he could marry me, and gave me my sweet little engagement ring for Christmas 1952.  Married him on Easter Sunday in 1953; I was 17, he was 24.  It has been a wonderfully happy time.  Friends and acquaintances used to say to me that marriage was difficult and not easy.  I never had one thought about marriage other than it was blissful, fulfilling, magical-- I loved being married to my Bill.  He was kind, gentle, loving to me and everyone who knew him.  Now I have no one to fill that empty hole in my heart.  I now understand that all of you must have that same feeling and that all of us are looking to find what little happiness is out there for us.  I can only pray that we all can progress a little bit every day and that a small part of our hearts will heal and not ache so, so much.


Posted: Saturday, December 24, 2016 3:41 AM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 2007

Dear Anna, I wish my mom could write to you. She and I just lost for her a husband of almost sixty years and me my dad of my whole life. My mom says she misses my dad all the time. I know it is lonely for her because they were like two peas in a pod. I feel very fortunate that my mom is living here with us. She kind of soldiers through her days, but she has lost her rudder.  I guess that's a terrible mixed metaphor! I admire you and the others her age who are technology savvy and I hope that the others here can provide some solace for you through your grief. Take care. We will hold each other up.
Still Waters
Posted: Saturday, December 24, 2016 7:26 AM
Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 1092

Hi Anna. It is Christmas Eve. My first Christmas alone also. The worse Christmas of my life. I did not want to get out of bed. I am invited to my cousins. I plan on going for a couple of hours tonight, but I don't want to go. Tomorrow I plan on staying home alone and pretending it is just another day. That seems to work best for me. Staying in denial. I wish I was 80 years old instead of 54. I have no desire to start a "new life"  I am ready for my life to end now. I hope I will get a fatal illness and die quick but with my luck I will get something that will just make me function and suffer forever. lol. I can't see how it will ever get any better than what I had and the thought of going on like this alone for decades is scary and depressing. Just put one foot in front of the other and do what you want to do, when you feel like doing it, how you feel like doing it and life will take you were you need to be. Kind of like holding your own hand and leading yourself along. You will be surprised after a while where you end up. Only tough people can do what we did successfully. There is something strong inside of you that will keep you moving along and will make what time you have left worth while.

Posted: Friday, November 16, 2018 6:19 PM
Joined: 10/30/2018
Posts: 6

i am not ready for christmas or thanksgiving , i feel different sad alone. not wanting to be any part of it. it's been hard mom passed almost 6 months. i enjoy this group and thank you all for sharing your thoughts. this is my 1st year for me and emotions are showing, feeling upset my mom was a very sweet and kind she will be missed my mom was only 59 years old.
dutiful deb
Posted: Sunday, November 18, 2018 11:29 AM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1895


I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. I lost my mom six ago, and I understand the loneliness.   The original post about missing children struck a chord with me; my children live a few hours away and won't be coming for Thanksgiving. One child will be spending the day with spouse and in-laws; another child initiated an estrangement and has only contacted us once since my mom died. My husband and MIL are in varying stages of impairment and unable to handle a large get-together, but the other relatives don't recognize or honor this, and I am facing a strenuous, long day.  


The best thing I found to help is to do something for myself. I'm still going to do holiday shopping and make food for my husband and I to have in the days following Thanksgiving. We will be spending the day with my MIL, and dinner won't be anything spectacular, but since I want to have leftovers, I'm just going to make my own!  


In reading the other comments, which are a couple of years old and from people I remember from the boards, I wonder how everyone is doing now. 


jb crick
Posted: Sunday, November 18, 2018 8:17 PM
Joined: 8/2/2016
Posts: 636

It has been a year for me, lost my wife in October last year. The house feels so empty without her. I'm not sure how to celebrate the coming season. My son is suggesting a trip, but the one I most want to travel with won't be by my side.