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Caring for Mom in parents home, and Died
Posted: Friday, September 29, 2017 3:47 AM
Joined: 9/28/2017
Posts: 1

My Mom has Alzheimer's,  with moment's, even hours at times of being lucid. She has very short term memory loss. She suffered a stroke 4 months ago, leaving her left side paralyzed, and it made her Alzheimer's condition worse. Now my Dad, to whom she has been married to for 70 years, died suddenly 9 days ago. Mom was always extremely dependent on him throughout their life together. She is a mess over it, naturally, but doesnt remember the funeral, asks questions all day long about it, non stop. I continually show her the sign in book, read the cards with her, show her the mass cards, many times it's as though she us just learning about it all over again. She is very needy, emotionally and physically. My sister and I have been doing round the clock care since her stroke, and since Dad has died, my husband and I are readying our house to move her in with us. She does not want to do that, but can't remain at home alone. Any suggestions on how to go about this? Right now we are packing tjings she wont notice, and half the time she doesnt know where she us, but is adament about not living with anyone. How do we take her in without her feeling like she's being kidnapped?
Posted: Monday, October 2, 2017 2:30 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105

I am sorry for the loss of your father.  This event is very hard on your mother, she realizes on some level, that her husband is not gone, she may not always realize the reason is gone, and that has to be so frightening and frustrating for her.  For you, having to cope with the loss of your dad and trying hard to care for your mom, I know this is such a difficult time in an already challenging circumstance.

I think it may be best not to mention the move to your home to your mother.  Continue to move her things.  When you're ready to make the move, have her over to lunch or dinner or a visit to your home.

Have her things ready in your home, let her know that she'll be visiting with you while some damaged water pipes are being fixed in her home.  Or something along those lines, a reason why she can't stay in her home, not because she can't take care of herself or be alone, she won't believe that.  Blame it on something else, major problems with the city water system, having extensive repairs to be done that will be paid by the city (in case she worries about cost).  You will have to repeat this story many times over probably.  Each time, reassure her, it's until the repairs are done, then say something like, it's so nice to have you here and have a treat together or something fun and positive.  It will be a big adjustment for her and for your family.  It will take a lot of time, it may be easier in time and the questions may keep coming.

Posted: Tuesday, October 3, 2017 6:41 AM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 2012

Hi, Marthart, You are doing a good thing to move your mom in with you since she is in need of round the clock care. Also, I am sorry for your family's loss of your dad. So sudden. So recent. 

I would like to encourage you to continue to make your home ready for your mom and to roll with the questions she may have about it, but just give her a hug to reassure her if she is anxious – I found our loved ones ask more questions when they are anxious about something. And just tell her that you love her and will take care of her no matter what. And remember that by allowing you to help take care of her she is also giving you a gift – a gift that you will always remember. 

In my situation, I moved both my mom and dad in with our family. My dad, on hospice care, still realized that moving forward my mom would not be able to live on her own. He was so cooperative with the move as was she since of course she would go with him anywhere. We arranged the furniture so that it would have the same configurations and functions as the furniture had in their house. For example, we moved the chairs with the solid arms that are comfortable for them and we put the TV in the same corner of the kitchen table so they could sit and watch together.

I didn’t tell them too much about the move, just did all the behind the scenes preparation to make it as smooth and possible. Got two hospital beds into their room. Got a copy of all medical records, and refills on all prescriptions. My husband helped out a lot with on-the-ground preparations. I presented the move as a vacation and a visit, and they took it as such. It just kind of went on longer than a typical vacation for them. And one day, my dad turned to me in the hallway and said, “I would like to stay here!” I almost cried because of course that’s what we wanted, for him and for them to stay and to like it.

We did go back to their house less than a year later. My dad had already died, but my mom came with us. We had to get their house ready to sell. It was a good chance for my mom to have visits from all the neighbors. They each stopped by one at a time to have a visit with her. She liked that. She participated in sorting out the house on her level. For example, she sorted out which records went to my sibling and which ones went to me. It was a kind of closure for her and for us. We brought more of my mom’s practical furniture along for her comfort while living with us.

Good luck to you in your preparations. I am wishing you and your family well.

Posted: Sunday, October 6, 2019 9:10 PM
Joined: 7/13/2017
Posts: 12

I have had to trick my mom by telling her we are going to shop and take her to her daughters for the weekend. Also, try taking her there and go in without her . She gets scared eventually and she comes running my way.