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Posted: Monday, April 30, 2018 9:28 PM
Joined: 11/9/2017
Posts: 305

tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the day death stole my mother from me and my family. Of course dementia did that daily, minute by minute, bit by bit, stole and put back, gaslighting her so she felt crazy. 

I've had to take off work because I can't stand the bit!chy power plays that pass for normal interaction, I have withdrawn completely. Everyone says "time" time does nothing. I envy those with children--like my mom had--who force them on--my husband left long ago and i was unable to conceive. 

It does leave me responsible for no one when the pain gets to much. 

Posted: Wednesday, May 2, 2018 7:35 AM
Joined: 1/8/2016
Posts: 365

These types of anniversaries are not the good ones. It is hard and time passes and quickly but our wounds don't heal as fast. It's 4 months since my mom passed. It's still fresh.

I realized that other family members, friends & co-workers are unaware of how intense the loss we feel. They aren't being insensitive it's just different. Their lives go on and ours are in limbo.

  Which has led me to evaluate my life. I have always been by parents side even after getting married and having children. We did everything together and helped one another. The condensed version I was always caring for someone and now I don't have that same responsibility. Yes, I have my husband and children (adults, no grandkids) but they don't need me in that caregiver role. My parents are gone & now I'm an adult orphan. My sister is navigating her life and recovery from colon cancer. And, my brother is estranged. We have two dogs who have turned into my emotional therapy dogs.

Everybody heals at a different pace. I don't know you Dolor, but a year isn't a long time to absorb the grief this disease put our LO's through and us. Have you tried maybe grief counseling? I understand the loss and there is no quick fix. Maybe find a positive outlet in a way that would honor your mother. What were her hobbies or what did she love to do? My mom loved flowers and her garden, so I've been surrounding myself with floral decor accents. I'm hoping to start planting a nice garden, too. We have to find a way to heal because this disease took so much from us. Are we going to let it take the rest of our lives, too?

Comfort & prayers going to you


Posted: Wednesday, May 2, 2018 12:46 PM
Joined: 11/9/2017
Posts: 305


Thank you for your kind reply, and I am so sorry for your loss!  Wow, four months is soo recent. I was a total basket case at four months. You seem to have good perspective on the process even despite the pain you are in so kudos to you for that. 

You are right, time seems to have flown by, it is moving too quickly while I chug along, still exhausted. Not one friend contacted me yesterday, and should I expect them to? Yet part of me is still angry.  I knew I couldn't face coworkers, not in that environment. 

I too have had to reevaluate my life. I have changed so much. The disease stole part of me. But I love your idea about the gardens. My mom and hers were plant lovers, as am I, and now there is more time on my hands I hope to begin to garden again. It was so healing for me in the past--and doesn't have that soul ripping effect if one plant doesn't make it. I'm low energy right now and like the idea of floral decor too!

I have an emotional therapy cat. I'm glad you have your dogs, and your family. Thank you so much for reaching out and replying. I was in a state when I wrote that post!  

I wish you peace; let me know how your days go. 


Posted: Wednesday, May 2, 2018 9:02 PM
Joined: 6/11/2017
Posts: 27


You have made it through "the year of firsts." I'm so sorry your friends did not reach out to you on the anniversary of your mother's passing. My mother passed away 12 weeks ago. Yes, I still count the time as weeks. Not sure how my "year of firsts" will go. First Mother's Day without her, first birthday (hers and mine) without her, first Christmas without her.
Wendy gave you great advice. I've also found gardening therapeutic but during Mom's journey things were very neglected. I'm looking forward to having the time to devote to my flowerbeds and to making my mom proud.

You may find comfort in reaching out to people who can understand your  situation. While my mother was living I joined a caregivers support group through our local senior center. I continue to attend the meetings in large part because of the great people I met there. Our group includes people who are current caregivers and people who have lost loved ones. These people have been down the same path and totally understand good days and bad days. I was guided by others through many difficult times.  I went through geriatric psych units, medication issues, violence, guardianship and a long list of situations during Mom's journey.  I have been left with a strong desire to "pay it forward" and have now been able to help some of the other members through some tough times. This gives me a feeling of balance between giving support and receiving support.

You have found a wonderful group of people here. Feel free to lean on them for support. Know that you are not alone and you are in my prayers.


Posted: Thursday, May 3, 2018 4:59 PM
Joined: 11/9/2017
Posts: 305


Thank you for your generous and heartwarming reply, and I am so, so sorry for your loss. I had just mentioned to another friend how challenging the "year of firsts" was for me and I hope you both find it much easier. 

I had also considered joining a caregiver's support group and now wish I had. One is left educating oneself otherwise and I often felt sucked down into Dante's inferno by what I had read. 

You sound strong and healthy and while I know you are hurting , your instinct to help others is a sign of healing already. I hope that you too continue to reach out when you need it and let us all know how you are doing. 

The three of us on this thread have Mother's Day to weather; I read about a woman who still buys her mother cards, writes out her thoughts, seals them, and writes the year on the envelope and files them.  

Last year I had to get my father something from the grocery store on that day; it isn't the best day to go there.  Grocery stores, according to my grief counselor, are common places for emotional overload.

Wishing you peace and comfort.