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“Nobody needs me. I am useless.”
Posted: Friday, May 24, 2019 12:30 AM
Joined: 8/19/2016
Posts: 393

I need advice on responding to these comments. 

I’m too tired now to explain, but these comments always come out when I’m feeling good. I know the disease is harder for her than me, but it feels like she’s trying to level the field by dragging me down. 

Posted: Friday, May 24, 2019 1:44 AM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 591

This "I'm useless" response is echoed throughout this board. It's my belief that it is  the dementia's suffers lament that everything they were is slipping away. The more competent you seem, and the more together you feel just show up to your loved one how much they have lost- and are losing day-by-day. I don't have an answer. When my DW expresses feelings of uselessness I just try to assure her, the most important purpose she has is just being in my life. Everything after that is trivia. Sometimes I ask her for a hug to make her and me feel better. no one else can hug me and make me feel more loved. "See- you're not useless at all!"  She still hugs very well.
Posted: Friday, May 24, 2019 6:52 AM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 2523

Tell her that you need her, since she is the most important person in the world to you. Hold her tightly, and tell her you will be there for her. Talk about the good times you've had together. I'm not sure there is much more you can do. She is not trying to drag you down, but you have to do your best to lift her up. This is a common problem.
Posted: Friday, May 24, 2019 9:13 AM
Joined: 8/19/2016
Posts: 393

Thank you both for your excellent responses. 

Last night's episode came after a long and non0routine day, our daughter's HS graduation. 

One skill DW has is to save her frustrations for a private audience with me. She shields our daughter.

Jo C.
Posted: Friday, May 24, 2019 1:42 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10610

"Oh, I need you; I need you so much; we need you; you are very important to me and our daughter.  Sweetheart, we are a team together; I will always be here for you and we will always, always be a team.  I love you.   Now  I need a kiss and a hug, can I have one?"  All while holding her if she will let you.  Or words similar.

She will often need reassurance; I am sorry for her and for you that this is happening and for what she is feeling; my heart goes out to you both.

You are a loving, kind and caring husband. 


Posted: Friday, May 24, 2019 3:55 PM
Joined: 8/22/2017
Posts: 391

We are, all of us, ultimately useless.  They are ahead of us.  They are going, going, and  after years and years, they will be gone.  We are just limping alongside them, taking care, cleaning up, trying to keep functioning.  None of us is any use except to keep up the charade of what is late ALZ existence.  There is no point to their lives or ours after certain milestones have been reached.  It is indeed, useless, but mandated by archaic customs preserved current law.