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Mom died on July 24
Posted: Saturday, August 17, 2019 4:06 AM
Joined: 8/9/2017
Posts: 8

I have been grieving for many years - Mom lived with dementia for over 14 years and I saw the slow decline and changes in her for so long, the long good bye. When she occasionally was belligerent, I know it was the disease talking, not my sweet mother. Last fall she began to not recognize me, didn’t know we were related, that I was her daughter; I felt heartbroken. She didn’t recognize herself in photos. I learned over the years to enjoy each moment with her, whether we watched tv, listened to entertainers at her facility, or relaxed in a patio as the breeze gently swayed the palm trees. I wrote in my journal when I visited her twice a year; we lived in different states. I reread my journal after Mom died and was amazed at the changes in her; I’m glad I recorded my own thoughts and emotions. I was strong and did what was needed (arranging for hospice for her last 2 months, funeral home plans for our private viewing, found movers to empty her room); my brother was so appreciative of everything I did. When I returned home, I felt numb for a few weeks. I saved Mom’s cards and letters to me; when I reread them last week, I burst into tears. I miss Mom so much - I miss the Mom untouched by dementia. I began attending a local grief support group meeting last week and will continue attending. I’m not crying much at all...have I cried enough over the years (anticipatory grief)? I know grief is a process. I’ll write in my journal in the weeks and months to come; I’m sure this will help.
Posted: Saturday, August 17, 2019 6:40 AM
Joined: 1/8/2016
Posts: 365


My heart goes out to you. This is a difficult time navigating through the grief and not knowing what to do next. Or just not wanting to do anything.What helped me most were the connections I made here. One connection in particular has become my best friend. Talking to others who truly understand was the best thing for me.

The hardest part is resuming life before Alz came into the picture. It can be done....slowly, but the experience of Alz is always with you. I remember realizing one day that I had time to do things. But, finding the energy or desire is the problem. So, you go through the daily routine of what needs to be done. Work, taking care of yourself, family, pets, friends, hobbies all help to get through each day. You're at the beginning and the first year is hard. It's good that you're attending a support group & writing. I hope you keep coming here too.


Posted: Saturday, August 17, 2019 11:32 AM
Joined: 8/9/2017
Posts: 8

Wendy, thank you so much for your encouragement! Yes, I find myself with little motivation to do things. Even household chores have to scream loudly for me to say, “Alright, I’ll take care of you today.”
Posted: Monday, August 19, 2019 8:03 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 256

Hello Tina:  I completely get where you're coming from. Yes it is a sad, long goodbye..Some people feel that because we watched them suffer for so long (and grieved all the while), it feels like a blessing when they do pass which might explain your lack of tears now. As Wendy said, this place gave me a lot of comfort and support. Wendy was one of the people that gave me the most support when I first lost my mom (thanks Wendy <3).  It helps to chat with people who've been where we have. I also went to bereavement group meetings.  That helped too.  So come here often to vent, chat, cry or whatever you need to do to get through the day. We've all been where you are and we will be here for you.  Sending you hugs and strength.

-Kat xoxoxoxo

Veterans kid
Posted: Monday, August 19, 2019 12:43 PM
Joined: 10/17/2014
Posts: 1239


I am so sorry for your loss. And the fact that you’re on this for him now. It’s a hard adjustment but they’re just like the other forums many good people here and I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you and sending you lots of virtual hugs. Grief is so different for every one of us...yet,  so many similarities. It’s like huge waves crashing down and you can’t get your footing and they just come so hard and so fast and seem like they don’t stop. Eventually they do slow down, they still come and just as hard, but maybe not as frequently. It may seem impossible, but there will come a day when you come look at the pictures without crying. That doesn’t mean it’ll always be smiles. A very good example of that is my mom had  breast cancer and died 24 years ago from it. This particular year for me was a lot harder in grieving, and I do know a few reasons why but the point I’m trying to make it out of eventually you will smile at the pictures but it still may make you sad at other times. For no reason at all you could be not be thinking about your mom or anything and be in a store and hear someone say mom or anything that triggers an emotion in you.

Just know there are many people here that can relate, that do you understand, and will gently help hold you up.

 Writing is a very good way to work through grief, but to help you, to write it down, to get it all out. Be gentle with yourself. Know that your emotions may change several times an hour, and that you’re not losing your mind that it is  “Normal”.  Whatever that definition is.

Please reach out and let us know how you’re doing-  

Sending you lots of pop tarts and Twinkies, which were my dad’s favorite things and how I always end my posts

Julie A.k.a. veterans kid