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Grieving---so much pain
Posted: Tuesday, October 8, 2019 3:12 PM
Joined: 5/7/2018
Posts: 426

I lost my husband on September 29th. He had been in the hospital mainly due to his increased aggression. He was restrained, over drugged and made to be incontinent and unable to feed himself. He was not that way when he went in He did not get out of bed for ten days. I had JUST moved him to a group home when I got a call saying he had gotten out of bed, fell, and was unconscious. We had been shopping for things to put in his new room. My daughter and I arrived maybe 20 minutes later to find EMT's unable to revive him. I am pretty sure the fact that he had not been moved for 10 days led to a stroke or a heart attack. But there is nothing I can do about the circumstances of his death. It is the horrible grieving I am trying to survive. Even though I slowly lost much of what made him the person he was, he was still here. I could still hold his hand and talk to him. We could still go out to dinner once in a while. Now I feel so horribly alone. I know much of this grief is from feelings I kept inside the years I was caring for him so I could keep strong for him. My daughters live out of state. I really need to find some support here from others who have gone through it.
Posted: Tuesday, October 8, 2019 5:08 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 21304

I think many of us are overwhelmed by our feelings after our loved one dies. 

I have no words to make this easier for you. You have lost your husband who was liekely the person closest to you in the whole world. It is like losing a part of you. You also lost your life. Really two lives. The one you had before this illness ad the one you had taking care of him which means you also lost your job. To top it off  you are bone weary even if you do not realize it.

The raw pain, anger, numbness et al will lessen. I was "functioning" a lot better after about 8 months. It is now exactly 4 years and the hole left is still there but I have things that interest me and I do laugh a lot.

Grieve all you need to. This is your time and you get to do it your way!

Posted: Thursday, October 10, 2019 1:15 PM
Joined: 9/5/2018
Posts: 94

lvcatlvr...I posted a response to you today on the message board under spouses and partners.
Rather than rewrite my post, please see it there.

Two strong recommendations for you.  When you are ready to read, the following books can be very least they have been for me.

Being Mortal by Atul Gwande
It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine

We don't always get the support we need from our family or our friends.  They don't feel the loss in the same way that we do and while they are trying to help us through this horrible time, in my experience they can do more harm than good.  You will always have support on this website from those of us who have lived the dementia nightmare in ways that others can't even begin to imagine.  I live in Las Vegas and could not find one support group that could help me deal with the loss of my partner due to dementia.  The support groups that are available deal with loss...period.  Dementia takes the loss of a loved one to a whole different dimension and we need a different kind of support than what is commonly available.

Be kind to yourself during this difficult time and let your heart feel what it needs to feel.  That is the only way to move on from grief IMO.