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3:30 in the morning
Posted: Friday, November 22, 2019 2:37 AM
Joined: 7/15/2019
Posts: 25

It is 3:30 in the morning and I am still awake. Exhausted, but not sleepy. Anyone else awake out there? - Went to caregiver support group yesterday...the social worker asked me if my LO (moderate ALZ, on Aricept) was alone while I was at the meeting and I said yes. She then asked: if there was a fire, or if my LO fell or there was a calamity, would my DW be able to get help on her own? I had to say no. And now I feel so stupid to have not thought of this, stupid and thoughtless. As soon as I got home, I reached out to our rather extended family and friends and instantly received help. - but, I missed this whole LO could have really been hurt. And I keep wondering: what else am I missing? Right now I am in the middle of organizing our finances, meetings with financial advisors and a meeting with CELAs in a couple of weeks. All fine, except it isn' DW always did all this and I am just so...dumb, I guess is the word for it, in such matters - but, I'm wakeful. The gears won't stop turning. I've gotten clumsy from fatigue...rammed my knee into the car gearshift, hit my hand with a hammer while hanging pictures, fell over some loose bricks. I have to find some kind of balance so I can be safe and an effective caregiver. - and then I start the self-pity...the long loneliness settles in and I feel like I'm alone in the world.
Posted: Friday, November 22, 2019 5:17 AM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 6359

You are Human. I have spent my entire career in technical safety.  I was an engineering technician at the National Bureau of Standards on safety regulation while I was in law school  in the early 1970s.  I've worked on safety regulation of everything from  condoms to spacecraft.  I'm lecturing in Germany next month on the 737Max.  nobody does safety very well NOBODY.   Safety was the primary reason I placed DW in MC. You do the best youcan.   

and then I start the self-pity...the long loneliness settles in and I feel like I'm alone in the world.

 Boy can I identify with that.  But IMHO toss the words "self pity"  that implies there is something wrong with you. There isn't. This is a  terrible disease and an awful personal situation.    Pity is   the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others.  If other people would feel compassion for you in your situaion, it is ok for you to feel it. 

Almost all the "self pity" gurus deal with people who have emerged from the horror  and are in the position to make a new life for themselves.  Alzheimer's caregivers are different.  We live the horror every day.   We are grieving. 

 However we all have to live.  And go forward.  I know that any meaningful marital partnership I had with DW is over and will never come back.  So I make sure the shell she left is safe and as "happy" as I can make her.  I baked another pie yesterday and will take her some this morning. 

But I will also go to Germany in December and on a cruise in January. She would want me to.  She would want me to be as happy as possible.   She loved me that much.

Good luck


Posted: Friday, November 22, 2019 8:56 AM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 4098

I think we all feel a little dumb when we're faced with things we are not accustomed to. I know I've felt that way more than once.

As far as your wife's safety, nothing bad happened. You learned something that you won't easily forget. We all learn. You are not alone on this road.

Posted: Friday, November 22, 2019 10:09 AM
Joined: 2/16/2018
Posts: 299

satchbee, I can relate and applaud you for going to the support group.  I, likewise, leave DH alone for short periods of time and have fleeting thoughts of what would happen in case of emergency.  DH takes walks on his own and friends have commented that might be too risky, what if he got lost, fell, etc.  But, I have decided in favor of giving him his independence as long as possible.  When he leaves for walk, I start the timer on my phone, I know when he should be back.  I have video cameras and I turn on the interior camera when I leave him alone.  Like you with the finances, I was considered a spoiled wife by my friends.  I never checked the air in my car tires, changed a light bulb, backed up my computer......these jobs were DH's domain.  I learned how to check the air in my tires on YouTube.  You can do this; just don't be so hard on yourself.  Get help from family and friends.  You can do it.
Posted: Friday, November 22, 2019 10:48 AM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 1512

My heart goes out to you. This is not easy.
Posted: Friday, November 22, 2019 12:07 PM
Joined: 5/7/2018
Posts: 437

Of course we don't always think of all the possibilities that could happen. This is all new territory and no one knows how hard it is. Someone on here suggested I get cameras to watch my DH when he was alone. There were the kind that you add an app to your phone so you could watch real time. As it turned out, my DH passed before I even could use them. But I think they are a very good idea. They were inexpensive and required nothing more than plugging them in. I bought them on the website which was cheaper than Amazon, and I just saw them at Home Depot also much more ,. They are called Wyze. If I had to leave him for awhile, I would take the knobs off the the stove and unplug any appliances. He no longer knew how to plug things in. Sometimes you have to leave and there is no one else around to help, so these are just ideas. Of course, whenever you can, have someone watch is always the best solution.I didn't have anyone.