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Intense new places of love
Space within
Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2020 3:17 PM
Joined: 10/7/2018
Posts: 72

  Very sad and deep emotions coming to the surface. My LO( mom) is in MC. 

My dad is her POA and obviously heartbroken and stressed. She has been in MC for seven months. 

We both go on a daily basis to visit, which has essentially been taking care of her since we both stay for 2-4 hours at separate times during our visits.

I have dropped by during the off times for and all times found my mom in wet pull ups and missed for mealtime.

They seem to be lying about when they last pottied her and have excuses like she was asleep or refused/ didn't want to eat.  

I fear she is only taken care of, when we are there to chirp in their ears, or care for her ourselves. 

My frustrations are they seem to be neglecting my mom. My dad is fine with her care, or more accepting of it. 

My other emotions are just deep sadness as I experience some of the confusion and sadness my mom is going through. I am grateful to be there/here with her.

 I also am starting to feel guilt, anger and selfishness...because I moved to help care for her.   Now that she is in a's tough because one would think the caregiver role is over.....yet it has seemed to increase and become more intense.  This town is ill suited for my personality..I've been thinking of moving away lately since she is now in MC....but it seems selfish. 

My dad and I met with the head nurse today about our concerns.  They strongly stated "we are not and one to one facility".  And that her daily care plan changes from day to day. And that my mom is cognitive enough to make decisions- WHICH SHE IS NOT... and we stated that my dad and I believe she is verbal but mostly does not know what you mean when you are talking with her.      My dad was satisfied with the meeting, I was not... probably for my own personal reasons/issues.

My expectations are probably high and unrealistic.... 

The part of me that is angry for whatever egotistical reason is saying I'm never going back there again and getting on with "my" life. But my heart breaks wide open with sadness and loss during these times of that thought process......I'm so very torn 

I fear my brain is turning to mush.


Love to all of you out there caring for your LO 


Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2020 4:34 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2329

Hello Space within. Hang in there. I truly believe that whatever we believe in, listens to us. Talk to who you believe in. Everything you feel, as if you are being listened to right there and then. By a friend who really cares for us.

I believe it is real, knows us and our situation, our future, the design of our lives that later we see why we are where we are.

Pray. Talk. Cry. Ask. Say you need help and that you cannot accept how things are going for you and your family.  And you need to keep checking on her. This is very hard. But we’re stuck here in this situation...and we have nothing else that we can do. We need help, and the most powerful does give us strength, at least to the next step. Hang in there. I believe at some point an answer or change will come around.

Space within
Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2020 10:12 PM
Joined: 10/7/2018
Posts: 72

Dear Ruth , 

thank you so very much for your kind words ,encouragement, understanding ,and taking time to read and respond.

 Huge hug sent to you ! 

  I will pray and cry and continue to do my best in being my LO s voice .

Posted: Sunday, February 2, 2020 3:47 PM
Joined: 6/11/2019
Posts: 516

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Caregiving is hard.

 I've "quit" in my head dozens of times but I know in my heart I can never really live unless I can look myself in the mirror and know I did all that I could. Even so, I'm sure I'll still feel on some level like I could have done more. I think it's natural when trying to help our LOs.

Since you did move there already, I'd consider a different MC if you continue to have issues. It might increase your peace of mind and help both your parents.

Space within
Posted: Monday, February 3, 2020 12:57 AM
Joined: 10/7/2018
Posts: 72

Minutebyminute thank you for you empathy.  My Dad and I actually ended up looking around the area for other MC facility. This seems to be the only one nearby. We looked at two nursing homes, and honestly - they all seem to be the same - in the sense that there are no guarantees. They're all run about the same. 

My struggle is with acceptance. Acceptance of the whole situation.  I get angry about it.  The attempt to maintain a schedule for my LO is much more challenging.  Who knows if the care workers are always truly telling the truth.  Especially at this MC facility.  They are mostly all very young and lack training. The one nursing home we looked at stated they usually refer their dementia patients there!   Ugh.  Felt such sadness come over me when I heard this.   

It's tough. I want to be there and support my LO as she goes through this . And I will be , as long as I can. 

  To a degree it seems the workers realize we are going to be visiting all the time so they leave the care up to us.  It's hard to explain.     A part of me feels my LO is neglected because we visit so often.   (Mentality possibly of " why change of her family members will be here sometime soon").  It's becoming very depressing to find her in a went pull up every time I arrive.

frustrating... the lack of control of LO's environment and schedule .   And to think that we are paying (for her lack of care. )

There are always blessings to count.