RSS Feed Print
Hubby's memorial service was yesterday
elainechem
Posted: Sunday, February 23, 2020 8:13 AM
Joined: 7/30/2013
Posts: 6025


It was just beautiful. I wish someone would have recorded it, but it wasn't. Hubby's eldest brother spoke. His most tear jerking line was that, in his wildest imaginings, he never thought that his baby brother would be the first to die, and in such a way. Our two eldest sons also spoke. It was very touching. Hubby was the perfect picture of a man with a servant's heart. He served his family, the church, and especially our God to the utmost possible. He served as well as he could for as long as he could. He was a prayer warrior until the end. The earth needs more men like him.

I felt blessed that our youngest actually attended. He has autism and I wasn't sure that he would come, but he did. He even came to the reception afterwards. That really blessed me. He joined us for family dinners as well. His development has been slow due to his particular disabilities, but he is maturing. He'll be 28 tomorrow. I have to think of something special to do for him.

But, what has really touched me is all the people who have contacted me via Facebook or in person to tell me how much my honest sharing of my struggles with my husband's dementia have affected them. Some say that they are no longer terrified to take care of a loved one who is starting on the path of dementia. One woman, an old friend, tearfully told me yesterday that she and her husband are planning on moving his aunt closer to them so that they can be in charge of her care. She'll be in an assisted living/memory care facility. My friend said that she has never gotten along with this aunt. But, after reading my story with hubby, she's not afraid anymore.

I've questioned the Lord over the years what the purpose of this trial could possibly be. Well, this is part of the story. When others see us suffering, getting knocked down, getting back up, and carrying on while praising the Lord (not always, but most of the time), they see that it can be done and it doesn't have to be an absolute terror. When we're honest about our seemingly impossible struggles and small victories, they start to believe that they can get through it too. That's all that we have to do - get through this. Our loved ones wouldn't want to see us destroyed by this horrible disease that they have been struck with.


LadyTexan
Posted: Sunday, February 23, 2020 8:22 AM
Joined: 12/21/2018
Posts: 523


Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
LizzieC
Posted: Sunday, February 23, 2020 8:46 AM
Joined: 3/28/2018
Posts: 307


I agree with LT.  "Beautiful".  Your words are helpful to many of us still on this journey.
SSHarkey
Posted: Sunday, February 23, 2020 8:48 AM
Joined: 3/15/2018
Posts: 483


How sweet of the Lord to give you a picture of hope in the midst of loss! We serve a loving God!
Paul&Me
Posted: Sunday, February 23, 2020 9:02 AM
Joined: 1/21/2017
Posts: 228


Elaine, what a beautifully written account. I'm glad your youngest was able to attend and be part of the day. We never know who we touch unless they reach out as some did for you.
ButterflyWings
Posted: Sunday, February 23, 2020 10:38 AM
Joined: 12/11/2018
Posts: 177


What a legacy - both DH's life and yours as a caregiver. Thank you for your example throughout this struggle and I am so glad the memorial service sounds quite special as well as your youngest being able to participate. It will hopefully help him with grieving and closure. Wishing you continued peace and blessings in your new chapter of life. Well done.
Ed1937
Posted: Sunday, February 23, 2020 2:33 PM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 2718


Elaine, you have made many posts that have affected us positively. Thank you for that.

I'm thrilled that the memorial service worked out so well. Please tell your son "Happy Birthday" from us.


ImInTheGarden
Posted: Sunday, February 23, 2020 4:19 PM
Joined: 10/31/2019
Posts: 68


Elaine, It is good to hear your husband's memorial went well. It seems you were just posting how he had forgot your name earlier this month. This helps my perspective. The days can be long and hard as a caregiver, but I'm always shocked and sad when I read of another LO passing. Nothing lasts forever.  I pray for God's comfort and peace to fill you and your son. Thanks for sharing.
dutiful deb
Posted: Sunday, February 23, 2020 7:31 PM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1875


Elaine, 

I don't post much anymore, but I do follow many posts.  I wanted to emerge for a moment to say how beautifully touching this post is. Your strength--or should I say, God's strength that shows through you-- is an encouragement in the midst of a difficult time. My prayers go out for you.


Boxerlover53
Posted: Sunday, February 23, 2020 8:27 PM
Joined: 11/29/2019
Posts: 108


Elaine..thank you for your beautiful post. Your words are inspiring to all of us that are on this journey with our LO’s. I can tell that your faith has carried you and your DH through these tough times. I’m relatively new to all of this but I think I’m going to come back to your post when things get tough to look for some encouragement to be as good a caregiver as you have been. I do have faith in our Lord and I believe there is some plan or reason He puts us through these challenges. May the angels continue to watch over you and Happy birthday to your son.
modo2
Posted: Monday, February 24, 2020 9:58 AM
Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 71


Thank you for your beautiful message.  Strength in the days ahead.
abc123
Posted: Tuesday, February 25, 2020 7:28 PM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 985


Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm glad your youngest son attended his Dad's service and other gatherings. I'm sure that was a comfort to you. I hope you and he were able to do something special for his birthday.

A young friend of mine has an autistic son, he's 7 years old.  He's a beautiful bright boy. His favorite things are fire engines and dinosaurs!

Elaine, you are in my heart.


Lady Joy
Posted: Friday, February 28, 2020 6:55 AM
Joined: 1/29/2019
Posts: 1


This is my first post but I was drawn to your post because I also called my husband Hubby and he also recently died on February 4 from Alzheimer’s disease after a 9 year slow decline. 

Another time I’ll write our story but today I am frustrated because I am trying to find a book or a support group that deals with what it is like AFTER the death of a spouse with Alzheimer’s. I have been involved with a wonderful group that is specific to the BEFORE his death journey but I don’t feel like I fit there any longer. I feel like I have been grieving increasingly since his diagnosis in 2011. Now I feel relief from the lack of sleep and except for some respite here and there the 24/7 care. I finally had to put him in the dementia unit of a caring nursing home. I know intellectually it was the right decision for both of us but it now feels like a betrayal as he died 2 months later. He never stopped pacing and until the very end wasn’t sleeping much. His death certificate reported cause of death was exhaustion and dementia (even though his doctor diagnosed him with classic Alzheimer’s).  I don’t regret any of it, because I loved him and it put purpose in my marriage vows — in sickness and health til death do us part. I know it is early but I need help for the rest of this unique journey. Thanks for listening. 


elainechem
Posted: Friday, February 28, 2020 8:45 AM
Joined: 7/30/2013
Posts: 6025


Lady Joy wrote:

This is my first post but I was drawn to your post because I also called my husband Hubby and he also recently died on February 4 from Alzheimer’s disease after a 9 year slow decline. 

Another time I’ll write our story but today I am frustrated because I am trying to find a book or a support group that deals with what it is like AFTER the death of a spouse with Alzheimer’s. I have been involved with a wonderful group that is specific to the BEFORE his death journey but I don’t feel like I fit there any longer. I feel like I have been grieving increasingly since his diagnosis in 2011. Now I feel relief from the lack of sleep and except for some respite here and there the 24/7 care. I finally had to put him in the dementia unit of a caring nursing home. I know intellectually it was the right decision for both of us but it now feels like a betrayal as he died 2 months later. He never stopped pacing and until the very end wasn’t sleeping much. His death certificate reported cause of death was exhaustion and dementia (even though his doctor diagnosed him with classic Alzheimer’s).  I don’t regret any of it, because I loved him and it put purpose in my marriage vows — in sickness and health til death do us part. I know it is early but I need help for the rest of this unique journey. Thanks for listening. 

I know exactly how you're feeling! My local Alzheimer's Association recently started a support group for caregivers who have lost their loved ones. It's not specific to spouses, but I'm going to start attending. It was started because a caregivers support group had so many members who had suffered a loss, they just started meeting at a restaurant. They asked the Alzheimer's Association chapter for permission to become official and were accepted. I'll still attend the regular support group because my experiences may benefit others. But, all of a sudden, things are different now. I'm not a caregiver anymore. After so many years, it feels strange, but it also feels like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. 

Marie58
Posted: Friday, February 28, 2020 12:36 PM
Joined: 12/31/2018
Posts: 382


Lady Joy, welcome to the forum. If you start a new thread, you will get lots of advice and support. I'm so sorry your DH passed. And you didn't betray him in the end, you did what was best for both of you by placing him. Blessings to you!
amicrazytoo
Posted: Friday, February 28, 2020 3:06 PM
Joined: 1/12/2018
Posts: 203


Beautiful, he must have been an amazing man. Wishing you peace.