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Pornography problems?
Posted: Saturday, March 14, 2020 6:57 PM
Joined: 3/14/2020
Posts: 4

My DH is pretty high functioning.  He still uses his smart phone but recently has started filling out surveys (or so he says).  The consequences are that I am being bombarded with porn emails from numerous women.  The last time I talked to him about this he got extremely mad denying everything.  One of my dilemas is I'm not sure if he is forgetting or just lying.  I keep unsubscribing to the sites but I get extremely annoyed when these things happen.  Is this common with others?  Any suggestions on how to deal with it?  I hate to say this but I really don't like the person he is becoming.  Thanks for letting me rant.
Posted: Saturday, March 14, 2020 7:52 PM
Joined: 10/26/2019
Posts: 272

Yes. I understand your frustrations with obscene spam because of AD spouse’s new preoccupation with porn. When advertising pops up my husband totally denies. In truth, I don’t mind him visiting these sites. I just worry he’s going to be taken advantage of in some way. I think it’s a combination of his trying to save face and forgetting. I do not call him out/shame because it’s sad really. Also, my husband searches for divorce attorneys in our town almost every day. He thinks I’m so controlling cause I won’t let him drive. Yet, he presents a total different story if asked about it. I love him, but certainly not AD!!! 

Here’s how to limit adult sites: Open settings- tap on General- tap restrictions. Also deleting web page history frequently keeps sites from automatically suggesting past searches. My husband doesn’t have the cognition / executive reasoning to figure out I’ve added restrictions.

Do you share the same email address? My husband has his own (but I monitor it now for safety sake). Me controlling? Geez! I never used to be, but this disease requires supervision and diligence. In his having his own account, I can log in on my own device using his email and password and clean out his spam and emails that cause him repeated confusion. My husband has no idea I “help” even though he is addicted to his device. He can still operate it to text and search, but cannot follow directions to trouble shoot. Sometimes he searches Facebook instead of using Safari or Google. My monitoring him is a loss of his privacy and rights, I know, but he needs to be kept “safe” This disease is a thief. 


Posted: Saturday, March 14, 2020 8:38 PM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 6272

make sure you have first class anti virus protection on your computer


Posted: Sunday, March 15, 2020 4:54 AM
Joined: 3/6/2017
Posts: 2575

I would be very concerned about 2 things.

That his lack of filter could lead him into a child pornography which, aside from harm to children, could result in prosecution. You might look into Net Nanny software to keep him off most porn sites.

And/or that he might be divulging private information in the "surveys" which could result in you being wiped out financially. 

Posted: Sunday, March 15, 2020 5:13 AM
Joined: 10/2/2017
Posts: 46

In addition to the good advice already posted, it is critical that you understand dementia.

Your husband's brain is changing, and that can lead to all sorts of different behaviors. This sudden lack of inhibition with pornography is just your husband's path. It's not anything he's doing "to" you.

I'm sure its embarrassing, and as other replies have pointed out could have devastating consequences. But please understand your husband is powerless to stop this.

I strongly advise you to pick-up a copy of The 36-Hour Day. It will help you to understand what is happening to your husband and make those changes a little easier to cope with.

Don't let this temporary condition erode what I assume has been a long and successful marriage.

The very best of luck to you both.

Posted: Sunday, March 15, 2020 6:33 AM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 6272

Dementia does weird things to people's heads. Inhibitions can disappear.  We were in Kruger National Park  I was making lunch on the outdoor kitchen/dining area of our bungalow.  My lovely, gracious. ladylike physician wife was 64.  She came out on the Verandah  wearing nothing but a T shirt.  I asked what was going on and she said "I thought you might like some sex" I said "after lunch" .  "OK"  she said and sat down to eat.  I raced inside, got her patio dress and put it on her. Saying "you looked a little cold"  

She simply had no inhibition or situational awareness.

Posted: Sunday, March 15, 2020 1:38 PM
Joined: 12/1/2019
Posts: 121

Before my DH had to go to psych hospital, I actually rented him a couple of on-demand adult videos from our cable provider.  One of the FTD issues is hyper sexuality and I did that so that he DIDN'T go on porn sites, not that I think he could have navigated them.  It's not an issue now that he isn't here, but I chose the thing I could control.
Posted: Sunday, March 15, 2020 3:03 PM
Joined: 12/21/2018
Posts: 845

Welcome nkgentilegillespie.

Great ideas everyone! I learn so much here.

DH was the household IT guy and I relied on him keeping the virus protection and Office 365 accounts current. I stepped into this role 2 years ago and its been a learning opportunity for me for sure.

I do routine maintenance on both our computers. I ensure our security software is current and that the software updates are installed.

My DH's technology habits have definitely changed in the last two years. He connected to some retailers and cites that I am very leery of. I frequently empty his spam folder and unsubscribe him from list serves, clear his browsing history, etc. 

In the beginning I felt like I was over reaching and invading his privacy. I realize now that my participation is necessary to keep him safe. I take cyber security training annually to satisfy professional requirements. I have studied cyber fraud and financial abuse of the elderly. The bad actors are always looking for marks. Its very important for me to supervise my LOs use of technology and stay informed of new schemes and scams.

DH is using technology less and less as his disease progresses. His smart phone is a true challenge for him now.

Posted: Monday, March 23, 2020 6:55 AM
Joined: 3/14/2020
Posts: 4

Thank you all for your replies.  I am trying very hard not to personalize my husband's behavior.  He saw our daughter-in-law this weekend and grabbed her on the rear end.  This is the third time in about six months that he has inappropriately touched her.  She handles it and him with much grace.  I am really concerned that he will soon start doing this to other women.  Unfortunately, this inappropriate behavior is a trigger for my own baggage.  I know that in his right mind he would not do these things.  I don't know how to separate the two.  Right now, I don't even want to look at him.  I am so broken hearted and feeling so betrayed.  My head knows it's the disease; my heart can't separate who he was before from the disease.  I just want to run away from home and not deal with any of this anymore.  Of course I won't.  I will continue to love him the best I can and take good care of him.  Thank you for letting me rant.
Jo C.
Posted: Monday, March 23, 2020 8:05 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 11564

This sort of behavior usually involves damage to the frontal lobe.  My step-dad began to exhibit this sort of behavior and it was getting more and more problematic.   His excellent dementia specialist prescribed a low dose of medication and the behavior stopped and he was back to his usual self again.

After reading your problem with the computer; I hope you have looked into installing a Net Nanny program and have ensured you have adequate anti virus protection.  Those sites have much built in risk.

So . . . . contacting specialist for medication assistance and a Net Nanny program should set things to rights.  Let us know how things go; so hope you reach out for the available assistance, it will take much stress from you.


Posted: Monday, March 23, 2020 11:09 AM
Joined: 6/19/2018
Posts: 161

As Jo C said, you need antivirus software. My husband loves playing games on the computer. Our anti virus blocks stuff every time he used it.

Many tablets and computers have parental controls built in. Activate them and stop his ability to change settings and add programs. You should be able to block porn sites. Depending on the system you may be able to block downloads. 

Many browsers also have setting filters. Look for the settings and you may find that you can block explicit content sites.

Oops! I just went back and reread and realized that he is using a smart phone. Some of them also have parental controls that can be enabled. If his does, you can block his access to porn.

Posted: Saturday, December 26, 2020 5:10 AM
Joined: 4/6/2014
Posts: 595

When you go to a porn sight the sight will collect your email address. You can try using a VPN and the VPN gives the porn sight a incorrect computer address. I think that is how it works.