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Making it through November
Posted: Saturday, November 21, 2020 2:38 PM
Joined: 5/22/2016
Posts: 314

Hi my friends. Just thought I'd pop in with an update on what's going on in my household, and ask for a few suggestions.

I continue to go to school each day. We're still face to face with kids, although we spent 6 days over the last 2 weeks doing elearning. We had about 9 staff members test positive in my little school. About 25% of the staff. We only closed because we didn't have staff to continue. Now that several people are out of quarantine and healthier, we're back.  I was lucky and avoided getting sick. But after hearing about everyone's illness and how just about everyone had about an entire week of not being able to do anything, I have decided there's no way I can take care of DH if I get sick. Numbers are skyrocketing around me. DH's family invited us to Thanksgiving - I said we weren't coming because I didn't know what I'd do with DH if I got sick. No one offered to help. That was discouraging. 

Now to my question. I have 2 different caregivers come during the week. Of course I'm not here when they are usually, I had the opportunity to be here during our elearning days. I had to be on line with students, but I also had more of a chance to talk to them than usual. Here's what I'm noticing. Both of them treat DH more like a child than an adult. It's rather subtle, and they're friendly. DH doesn't complain. I believe he actually likes them, I think. Although he has said a few times that they are bossy. 
I know DH has problems - that's why I hired help. But he's not a child. And he doesn't deserve to be treated like a child. Any idea what I can do here?


Posted: Saturday, November 21, 2020 2:57 PM
Joined: 5/16/2017
Posts: 724

You are projecting how YOU would feel ‘being treated like a child’.  If your H is not resisting or agitated or objecting to how they are interacting with him, I think you should overlook this if you believe they are doing their jobs.

Frankly, sometimes PWD are more cooperative with this type of approach.   The problems + resistance arise when they are asked for input or discussion the way you would interact with a person WITHOUT dementia

Posted: Saturday, November 21, 2020 2:59 PM
Joined: 5/22/2016
Posts: 314

Thank you. I needed to hear that. And you're right - he's not resisting. And I am probably projecting. I know the man he used to be. That's not who he is now, but I still have a hard time with that.
Posted: Saturday, November 21, 2020 3:35 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19406

Can you think of it as pampering?
Posted: Saturday, November 21, 2020 3:47 PM
Joined: 7/22/2020
Posts: 51

What does HE say?  Does he object to the way they treat him?

I find my wife is more comfortable and secure if I DON'T treat her like a fully-responsible adult.  She knows she needs help, and the more I give her, the better she likes it.

Posted: Saturday, November 21, 2020 4:03 PM
Joined: 2/16/2017
Posts: 1199

My DH loved to be treated like a kid I think it gave him security. It seemed like a lot of the caregivers in MC treated the residents like kids, and most of them acted like they were kids. Must of been the secure feeling that they were being cared for.
Posted: Saturday, November 21, 2020 4:39 PM
Joined: 4/4/2018
Posts: 207

My wife has a PhD but is like a 4 year old in rural Mississippi.  Choices are a complication for her at this stage.  I would be glad you have experienced and capable care givers.  The little things my DW does that are exactly as I image she did 70 years ago on a farm in Mississippi.  It is a literal age regression not just memory loss.   Interesting but very sad.....  Rick
Posted: Saturday, November 21, 2020 5:26 PM
Joined: 10/24/2018
Posts: 1388

Josey, my mom was as Rick describes his DW. She was definitely living as a child-self much of the time. I learned more than I wanted to know about toilet training in the 1920's because of her absolute insistence that she would be bad if she soiled herself. Even in the hospital with a broken femur, it took me time every time she had to pee to convince her she was not going to make a mess, and nobody would have to clean anything up. She was very much wanting to be seen as "good", as in "a good girl" most of the time. This would have been a childhood thing. 

I think if your DH says the caregivers are bossy, you can laugh and say, "I know, right?! They must all be big sisters! But they get things done so we'll just let them be bossy." It sounds like he has a connection with them. 

I hope family get out from under their rocks to see that they should be offering you help!

Posted: Saturday, November 21, 2020 6:51 PM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 3849

You have to pick your battles wisely. If he isn't complaining, and nothing is being hurt, do yourself a favor, and let it go. You can drive yourself nuts if you make something out of every little thing.

My wife always tries to give me a hard time about taking her meds. When she does that, I just say in a very high, ridiculous sounding voice "You have to take your pills." Just like you might do with a little kid. Every time I do that, she laughs almost hysterically. Then she takes her pills. If most people saw me doing that, they'd probably think I was a pretty mean person. If it works, I don't care what it looks like. But then I tell her I love her, and put my arm around her as I kiss her cheek. Life is good at our house.

Posted: Sunday, November 22, 2020 5:33 AM
Joined: 5/22/2016
Posts: 314

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your insight. 
He doesn't complain, other than a couple of comments about her being bossy. Overall, he seems to have enjoyed her company. So I'll let it go. One less thing for my mind to stress about.