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Nearly a year since my mother died.
Posted: Tuesday, March 2, 2021 5:58 PM
Joined: 11/22/2019
Posts: 399

I am remembering her final days, making the decision for comfort care at the hospital, the conflicting emotions.

I am remembering the vigil and how nurses were telling my sister and I that it was obvious our mother was a wonderful mother, because our continuous presence declared it.

My sister and I would exchange looks and not disabuse them of that assumption.

My mother wasn't a terrific mother, but she was mine and it was a privilege to be there with her as she passed.

It was just before hospitals shut down to visitors because of the pandemic, so we were blessed  that we could be there for her and for each other.

I could not have predicted that my grief would still be this strong after a year.

I continue to mourn that her life and most of her final months were so awful for her.

I am glad that I was able to make the decision to make her final days pain and fear free.


Posted: Thursday, March 4, 2021 4:48 PM
Joined: 2/24/2020
Posts: 157


I am glad you were able to be with your Mom at the end. 

That was one of my decisions as Covid was around, As my DW got worse, I chose to keep my wife under hospice care at home so I could be there with her. I have very conflicting emotions about the care I provided for her for over 7 years. People say I did a great job, but there is always doubt in my mind that perhaps she could have been better served by "professionals" in a hospital or LTC. But I had a grandfather that had terrible care in a Nursing home, so I my kept my DW at home and toward the end had caregivers.

She was only on Hospice for 5 Days. I was the only one home as I held her hand. The Nurse came about 30 minutes later.

I grieve every second of every day as I miss my wife.

Peace be with you.

Posted: Sunday, March 7, 2021 3:07 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5213

Sorry for this sad anniversary, KawKaw.  I'm glad you and your sister were able to be with your mother at the end. It is too sad to think hard on it, but I feel for the people who had to die without their family close by, some even dying alone. I believe in God and in those cases I  believe God took care of them in their final hours Himself.

I hope you continue to recover from your years of caregiving. It is never easy to care of someone with dementia even if you had the greatest mom in the world- like I did- so I commend your character and love.

Posted: Friday, March 12, 2021 6:50 PM
Joined: 11/22/2019
Posts: 399

TessC, each day since the lockdown, I have had the unknown, thousands of people in my thoughts who died without family there to ease the way.

I am grateful for the medical staff who worked to step in and fill that gap as much as they could, and mourn for their losses too and burnout and sadness.

I am very aware of how fortunate we were, though fortunate is an unusual word in the situation.  I am grateful that being separated from her as she left this life was not another sorrow to bear in a very sad situation.

Posted: Thursday, April 8, 2021 8:55 PM
Joined: 2/17/2019
Posts: 380

I ran across a photo of my dad today. My husband's work is renovating, he had to clean out his desk. He had a photo of my dad that he scanned and tried to reprint for me-

When we tried to visit him, 3 times before he passed. We were estranged. He had a temper, I was the quiet type, he never hit me.

So, I had less anger, I went to see him, to say goodbye.

His new wife had both poa's.  She blocked me, then She blocked the rest of his family.

He was a quick witted *jerk* a lot, but I did see how much loosing my mom truly hurt him. He was MY dad.

I didn't get to say goodbye. I had always thought I'd see him again . I don't even know where his ashes are.

Posted: Friday, April 9, 2021 7:41 PM
Joined: 11/22/2019
Posts: 399

I am so sorry, HowDoYouDeal.

It sounds like a lot of conflict that worsens the loss.

I was estranged from my father too, when he died suddenly.

But I was still accepted by family who understood the situation on both our sides.

It hurts not to actively say farewell.  I had to do it in my mind so that I could begin to heal.