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Grieving
Lills
Posted: Saturday, June 11, 2022 10:57 AM
Joined: 12/27/2017
Posts: 473


My DH died 6 weeks ago.  This past week, I joined my first group grief counseling (zoom) session.  When it was my turn to talk, I couldn't talk..but cried my way through when choking about the many 'themes' of my grief.
1.  Grief to think how much pain and suffering my DH had to endure with his long illness.  He was bedbound for 18 months.  2.  Grief to think how much he missed out on life for the past 11+ years and what he'll miss out in the future.  (There's a bit of anger mixed in with numbers 1 & 2).  3.  I've lost 'me'.  Right now I still feel like I'm in a bubble.  The grief counselor said this type of grief is similar to the "Phantom limb" syndrome.  My brain hasn't fully processed that DH has died, just as when loses a limb they sometimes can feel the pain or itch in this limb. I'm not sure I'll ever be the same.  It's as though he took a part of me with him!  4.  Grief that he couldn't understand my words of love or comfort at the end.  He had FTD, stage 7E (and ALS). If a loved one is dying of cancer, etc., the couple can exchange expressions of love, etc.  DH was nonverbal too. 5. *This one is a biggee:  I know he truly loved me; we were married 46 years and I don't think I'll never be that loved again.  6.  Grief for my future without DH and the awareness that I'll probably be alone.  
Of course, I was expecting him to die (and often wished God would take him home) but I thought I would be better prepared.  
 

 


Army_Vet60
Posted: Saturday, June 11, 2022 3:08 PM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 915


Lills wrote:
My DH died 6 weeks ago.  This past week, I joined my first group grief counseling (zoom) session.  When it was my turn to talk, I couldn't talk..but cried my way through when choking about the many 'themes' of my grief.
3.  I've lost 'me'.  Right now I still feel like I'm in a bubble....I'm not sure I'll ever be the same.  It's as though he took a part of me with him!  
4.  Grief that he couldn't understand my words of love or comfort at the end.  He had FTD, stage 7E (and ALS). If a loved one is dying of cancer, etc., the couple can exchange expressions of love, etc.  DH was nonverbal too. 
5. *This one is a biggee:  I know he truly loved me; we were married 46 years and I don't think I'll never be that loved again.  
6.  Grief for my future without DH and the awareness that I'll probably be alone.  
 
 
 
Lills,

I'm relieved that you are getting Grief Counseling. I considered that my first step to saving myself after Sandy died three years ago. I stayed in group and individual counseling for about 18 months. 

("I've lost me") - I understand how you feel. The morning that Sandy died, I went into shock for 48 hours I can't remember. When I came out it, I felt detached from everything because death didn't just take Sandy, it took half of our world as well.

4) If this is of any consolation, Sandy's hospice nurse told me that even if our LO is non verbal or unconscious they can still feel our touch as appreciate it as a loving gesture. She encouraged me to hold Sandy's hand or stroke her hair during her 14 day sleep. 

I still feel the same way you do concerning never being loved this way again and being alone. I intend to fight that battle till I die. I understand how slim the odds are of succeeding but my Grief Counseling suggested I always consider Sandy to be the First Love of My Life and not the last. So that door will always stay open. I've dated three woman this past year without finding that love, but I'm giving it a chance and that is what matters.

 

Be patient with your grief. You loved truly and deeply and the pain of losing your LO cannot be measured.

Your body and mind need whatever time it takes to heal and you've started that process with Grief Counseling. Finding love will happen when it is supposed to.

Jim



Doityourselfer
Posted: Sunday, June 12, 2022 6:46 AM
Joined: 9/5/2017
Posts: 937


I'm so sorry for your loss.   It's time to take good care of yourself.
LadyTexan
Posted: Sunday, June 26, 2022 4:42 PM
Joined: 12/21/2018
Posts: 1430


Greetings Lills.

Your grieving thoughts and themes ring true with me as well.

I am getting grief counselling and have joined a grief support group. I still haven't found my footing to keep going. Right now, I just put one foot in front of the other. 

As you know, I am a woman of faith. My faith is keeping me afloat. But, this grief is so painful and so uncomfortable and some days are nearly unbearable.

I am confident that DH Jesse would want me to live my life fully. I will certainly try. But for now, I will focus on the fundamentals of ensuring that I eat and sleep and surround myself with loving people.

Grieving and healing will take time. My life is so different now. I try to be gentle with myself. I hope that you will be gentle with yourself too.  (hugs)

 


Space within
Posted: Monday, July 4, 2022 4:06 PM
Joined: 10/7/2018
Posts: 92


Hello Lills.

Thank you for sharing your experience.  My heart feels for your loss. I lost my mom in September and she had FTD and was nonverbal toward the end. 

This was and is still, at times, difficult to accept. Toward the end, I would go through stages of anger and just feeling helpless...sitting with her,,,but as i write this and during my accepting moments..I know I was doing all I could at that time and in that moment.  The anger still arises in me sometimes, out of the feelings of helplessness..is my guess.

Even though our loved ones may have be nonverbal and forget who we are- I came to a space of connecting with my mom as a human,( as difficult and it was sad)  We were there, with them, I do believe ny non felt the support and love- regardless of who I was to her toward the end of her physical exsistence of our journey together. As the hospice nurse stated the physical touch and being close by is supportive- I believe this 100%   

Sending you love and peace

  


quartlow2
Posted: Thursday, July 7, 2022 11:04 AM
Joined: 8/28/2021
Posts: 62


Thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you. I've heard it said that grief is the price we pay for love. And I wouldn't want to live without love. My mom passed away a year ago, 6 months shy of my parent's 70th wedding anniversary. She had aphasia and some other dementia. Of course I miss my mom but the hardest part of losing her was watching my dad grieve. He was more dependent on her than he thought. His physical limitations were increasing so he'd call on her to bring him things or button his shirt, etc. They lived in Memory Care together. What Dad mostly missed was Mom's hugs and eye-to-eye contact. After her passing he wondered outloud, "All this medication is just keeping me alive for what? I can't contribute to society." I told him that he didn't have to contribute to society in order to be valued by our family. When I gave him the example of a severely disabled child, who would never "contribute to society", but had a huge contribution to that family, his spirits lifted! He still had to work at staying positive. He cried more than he let me know. Dad passed away in May. As I grieve for them I remind myself that they are happy to be together again and with their parents and so many sweet friends. I feel them near when I think of them. I remember what they taught me (or tried) and how they loved me and each other. I trust my Savior, Jesus Christ, to care for them now. I know they are happy to be with Him. And I am happy for them.

I think part of the grieving process must be that we are redirecting our brain to focus on another purpose. Your husband has been your primary purpose for a long time. It will take time but, as you continue to trust the Lord, He will direct your path.