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My mom has dementia and needs care and her twin sister is blocking our attempts to get her care
Ericka in California
Posted: Friday, August 5, 2022 10:28 AM
Joined: 8/5/2022
Posts: 1

My 86 year old mother has dementia and she is also bipolar. She is an identical twin and her twin sister has been looking after her until now, picking her up in the morning and dropping her back to her house in the afternoon. My mom is leaving her house at night and it’s a safety risk.  My aunt now has dementia too and she can no longer care for my mom but she doesn’t recognise that. 

We are trying to place my mom into a care facility and my Aunt is blocking our efforts. My mom seems open to going into care but is being influenced by my Aunt, when she can remember what’s going on. My aunt won’t talk with us about it. She’s shutting my cousin and I out. In the meantime, my mom has been refused an initial  care home we tried to place her in because of my Aunts actions. The care facilities will get more expensive as we increase in security requirements because of my moms flight risk. This then reduces how long we can pay to provide care for her  it really feels like a mess 

I’m going to reach out and try and get social services to help meditate today. I have also contacted Adult Protective Services. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

Posted: Friday, August 5, 2022 10:39 AM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 6372

Hi Ericka. Welcome to the forum. Sorry you are dealing with this too. Does anyone have DPOA for your mother? If so, who is it? You really should consult with a CELA (certified elder aw attorney). The first visit might be free of charge, but you can verify that when calling for an appointment. 

Has both your aunt and your mother been diagnosed with dementia? Or are you assuming that because of their actions?

Posted: Friday, August 5, 2022 2:07 PM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 1494

If cousin is child of the Aunt you've mentioned, she/he needs to see a CELA also. I suggest two attorneys since at some point the Aunt may want , in her state of mind , to take action preventing you from doing the right thing.

Win/win would be the sisters in the same place , but that depends on assets/income. But with your Mom wandering at night you'll need to move fast.

You really need to get the legal papers done as soon as possible- the lawyer can advise on medicaid possibilities etc. Also, once you have the DPOA you can control the Aunt's access to some degree to avoid her sandbagging you.

APS usually only steps in cases of severe neglect or abuse , esp when family members are available -- but sometimes they do jump in, get a private guardian appointed -- then you'll have lost all control of care and finances.

To show you are proactive and primarily to protect your Mother can you get her live in care at night until you have the DPOA or guardianship?

I wish you and your cousin well.