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we aren't married
Internal Administrator
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Joined: 1/14/2015
Posts: 40463


Originally posted by: loveiswhatlasts

My boyfriend just got diagnosed. I'm reading all this and I'm scared, but I really love him and I'm going to stay, no matter what. Right now, he's grasping for his vitality and calling old girlfriends even though he says he knows that in the end, it will come down to me. Do I need any legal protection? I mean, what if in a demented state he wants me to leave but there's nobody else?
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: loveiswhatlasts

And he's been married three times. I've been married twice.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: meeko11

What are your ages and have either of you been married before? Any children? Are you confusing guilt with love? Do you realize what you are in for if you do commit?
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: JEMM

I know I will get a lot of flack over my comment, but I think you should run the other way. You are still young. This is not an easy disease to deal with. You say he is trying to prove his manhood. He does not have a stable mind and I would be concerned about what other disease he may come down with. This may not be what you want to hear, but it is just one girl's frank opinion.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: loveiswhatlasts

It's complicated. He's 72, I'm 48. I guess nobody can fully realize it all, but I can't bear the thought of him going through this without me. He has grown kids, and he has a lot of other support, but ... I want to be with him.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: loveiswhatlasts

Wow. Thank you all. I'm going to read everything you suggested and see a lawyer. How do I find one? We are blessed that money is not a problem, but I realize that I'm in a precarious position. There are other people who will want to control the money, but they're not going to care for him day in and day out. He had surgery a year ago, and they didn't even come to see him. (I stayed in the hospital with him.) Thank you very much for helping me start to face these difficult issues and think in practical terms. His diagnosis is Amnestic MCI, which I understand means he has a much higher chance of getting Alzheimer's. He's on Aricept, which has just started helping in the past week. We're going to the Mayo clinic next month for brain imaging, which will, I think, give us a clearer sense of where this is going. I'm hoping that we will get a year or so to prepare for what's ahead. I do feel a little bit like an idiot--he should be protecting me while he can--but ... I have rewritten this sentence a hundred times. I'm afraid I sound like I'm being naive, but I really do love him, and I want to be there for him.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: biccoastal

In answer to your question: yes, you need to see a lawyer. A family law specialist.

A counselor/therapist would be a good idea, too. You are in a very precarious position. Please take care of yourself.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.

What's the diagnosis? Mild Cognitive Impairment? Alzheimer's? Something else? Was the diagnosis done based on thorough physical and neurological tests by specialists? (Don't rely on a general doctor for this.)

If it's Alzheimer's -- if you look at the 7 stages, do you get a clear picture of where he is? Here's one link:
SIGNS, SYMPTOMS, AND STAGES OF ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE

Caring for someone with Alzheimer's or similar dementias requires a commitment to unconditional, one-way love. This is quite a stretch for most of us who've been in a mutual, egalitarian relationship for quite a while. To commit to someone without any real prior commitment from them doesn't seem very emotionally healthy, to be blunt about it. I'm not sure it's in his interest or in yours. *

That's where seeing a counselor would be useful -- preferably, a counselor familiar with Alzheimer's. A geriatric care manager might be a good resource.

You also need to explore the legal and financial implications with an eldercare lawyer -- a lawyer familiar with Alzheimer's planning and Medicaid rules in your state. Do you know your boyfriend's financial position? From first-hand, here are the statements knowledge? (Don't just rely on what he says.)

What medical coverage does he have? Medicare plus a supplemental? Part D? Is he definitely current on premiums? Expired insurance and unpaid bills have caught many family members by surprise.

Does he have longterm care insurance? Lots of pension income, lots of assets? Do you live together? Own a house together? Are you living in a house he owns in his name only?

How about his kids? Your kids? Support there, or are they after his money?

As a wife you would have a lot of protections that you will need. The main drawback is that you'd be responsible for him in some legal and financial ways too -- if he insists on driving when it's not safe, and has an accident, you'll be liable too. If he can't pay for the medications he needs, you'll be the one to cover them. Etc.

These are things you must get clear about in advance and make decisions about.

You'll also need to have his Power of Attorney for Finances, and also for Health Care. Someone else can be on these papers as backup in case something happens to you, but you must be the one to make decisions when he cannot. If he won't agree to this, that's a very bad sign that you'll find yourself in completely untenable positions -- responsibility without authority. Total snafu.

I certainly would not become his caregiver if he doesn't make a clear, firm commitment to you. That's just my opinion.

A few books I'd recommend (assuming that his diagnosis really is Alzheimer's): "Learning to Speak Alzheimer's," and John Zeisel's book, "I'm Still Here." Also Nancy Pearce, "Inside Alzheimer's" and anything by Naomi Feil.

But see a lawyer! And insist on commitment.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: brightwings

You can find a certified elder lawyer in your state as well as read up on issues of estate planning on www.elderlawanswers.com

naela.org also has certified elder lawyers.

I think you'll find that when the money and inheritance is involved missing family members will reappear and want control. The money will probably be put in a trust.

One possibility is for you to be paid for your caregiving by the estate with a contract. You could arrange this with whomever is made trustee (and an elder lawyer).

Go into this decision with as much knowledge as possible. YOu could care for him for ten years and then be left without any financial resources--if he hasn't named you in the will. (and family members may contest a will made after he was diagnosed--especially if you are given "too large" a share...)

There can be times in the disease where the person rages with anger at the caregiver (it's not just a memory disease... different parts of the brain are affected and can cause very challenging behaviors..)

Also, since you are newer to his life, that part of his life will be erased earlier in the disease-- in a few years he may not remember who you are. You still can be a loving presence whom he appreciates and depends on--but he probably will not remember your specific history together or how he knows you.

He may think you're a daughter or a first wife (or he may even consider himself too young to be with someone as old as you-- since dementia patients often think they're in their twenties.)

You have time to educate yourself about this disease and to find out what are the best resources (adult day cares, memory units in ALFs are available locally, geriatric care managers) available locally. Even if you become his primary caregiver, you always need a plan b in case you become ill or otherwise unable to care for him.

With the elder lawyer, he is going to have to decide who will be his Durable Power of Attorney for financial and medical decisions (the DPOA become in effect when neurologists state he is in unable to make his own decisions).

He may not choose to marry you but will he entrust you with this power?(The medical and financial poa don't have to be the same person)

He'll need a will or trust. Health care proxy to say who can make medical decisions if he is unable to. Without it, you have no rights to medical decisions.
He'll need to sign a HIPAA waiver to allow you access to his medical info (otherwise doctors won't talk with you)...

The Mayoclinic department may have social workers trained in working with caregivers. See if you can make an appointment with one to have someone trained who can support you in your decision.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: Mimi S.

Hi Loveiswhatylasts,
Welcome to our group. We're so glad you found us, ad so sorry for what is happening.
I suggest you learn all you can about the disease.

Here are two from the internet;
Jennifer Ghent-Fuller's article, "Understanding the Dementia Experience":4
http://www.alzheimercambridge....tia%20Experience.pdf

And Coach Boyle's Playbook:
http://www.alzheimersplaybook.com/assisted.
Wed con't know either of you, so you have to filter our advice with what you know of the two of you.

Whose money will be used for his care?

How involved are his children? If any?

And yes, please do consult with an elder care attorney. Call your local Aliz. chapter, hit Chapter, below, during normal business hours. Talk to staff. Also ask about a support group for yourself.

What provisions for his care might he have made that you do not know about?

Think seriously about what the future may hold for both of you?
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: sf

loveiswhatlasts, if you'e not married you have no standing to pursue any legal options with regard to your partner. Talk to his children.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: Nipper

loveiswhatlasts;
I understand your wanting to stay with your boy friend, but do consider what you are going into.
I married my DH when I was 45 and he was 64. We've been married for 24 years, but the past 11 after his diagnosis was made have been a challenge. Not only financially but the emotionally. I don't really think I could have done it without the years before as his wife. There is so much to this disease that will take it's toll. They become another person and so often do not remember the short term memory which will be you.
I say get out before you are stuck without anything left, emotionally or financially. Care giving is hard enough without outside obstacles in your way. You are still young enough to make another life, this is way beyond "love". Sorry, that is not what you want to hear, but consider it.
Just my opinion of course.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: loveiswhatlasts

Again, I'm so grateful. I will take this advice very seriously, including get a lawyer. This was the first message I'd ever posted (on anything on the internet), and I'm really moved by how many of you are taking your time and thought to help a complete stranger. I guess this forum is somewhat self-selecting in that it brings together people who are givers, nurturers, at heart. Thank you very much.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: Starling

OK. You have gotten really good advice about finding out what this disease is like and preparing yourself. I second all of it. The two articles/books on dementia are the best for a beginner. They are short and honest about what will happen. And any new caregiver needs to educate themselves.

Both the local Alzheimer's Association and the local Area Agency on Aging (Federal-State agency) will have lists of lawyers. If you have a lawyer of any kind already call them for a referral to a specialist.

This is a long and terminal disease. There are some good times available in the early stages and you should take advantage of those. And you also need to be aware that you can't do it all alone. At some point you are going to need help. Being aware of that in the beginning is very useful.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: JAB

Hi, Love.

Reading assignments:

On the prognosis for patients with MCI
http://www.alzcompend.info/?p=225

On typical steps to be taken after a diagnosis of dementia:
http://www.alzcompend.info/?p=121

Places to locate elder law specialists (brightwings gave you two of these):
http://www.elderlawanswers.com
http://www.naela.org/MemberDirectory/
http://www.nelf.org/

and/or ask local chapter of the Alz Assoc:
http://www.alz.org/apps/findus.asp

and your Area Agency on Aging:
http://www.aoa.gov/AoARoot/AoA...s/find_agencies.aspx

Those are good folks to know, anyway, in the event the MCI does progress. They can tell you what sorts of programs and services are available in your area, to help you plan.

Just FYI: should you eventually find that you have to place him, dementia facilities can easily cost upwards of $70,000 per year.

I suspect the lawyer will confirm that with MCI, your partner is perfectly capable of executing whatever paperwork is needed -- Power of Attorney, Advance Health Care Directive, Trust/Will, etc.

I also suspect that you will be advised to keep his assets and yours clearly separate -- commingling them in this situation would be ill-advised. If they are already commingled, you may need an agreement on how to separate them. You may also need something such as a written contract regarding living arrangements (who pays what for which).

I'd advise that you ask for initial consultations with at least two or three attorneys. These are often free. Take along paper and pen -- you won't remember what you're told. You are under no obligation to retain any attorney unless you feel comfortable with him/her and you are confident you understand what is said and that the attorney really knows his stuff.

If the MCI does progress -- and the odds are that it will not -- then, depending on how uncooperative the kiddies are, you may eventually have to petition the court to become his conservator and/or guardian. That would probably be premature now, however, since MCI is not dementia.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: biccoastal

SF is right. He has to do his own legal and financial planning and if he needs assistance, his children should be included. If your guy gives you legal authority over his health or his money now, there is a very real risk of a future challenge that he was incompetent and/or that you exerted undue influence on him.

IMO, you need to hire your own lawyer to advise you about the laws in your state pertaining to unmarried cohabitants. ASAP. And don't discuss it with your guy, just do it.

An elder law specialist can advise about planning for HIM, but your first step should be to plan for YOU - remember the warning to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs? For the kind of advice YOU need, a family law specialist may be better than an elder law specialist. If your partner has substantial assets, and especially if he is much wealthier than you, choose a lawyer who specializes in representing wealthy people in divorces. Most business lawyers and accountants regularly refer people to such specialists; you need not divulge any details to the person who makes the referral.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: jfkoc

While this is a very tough situation your last post speaks volumes.

Not wanting to get married is one thing...running around on you takes this to another level.

You have no commitment between the two of you. Worse his actions are abusive. I think you need to take a serious look at it before you add the complication of becoming a caretaker 24/7. If he were well would you want to remain in the relationship?

This is very serious stuff. It will be the most demanding thing you have ever taken on and once you have stepped up to the plate you are probably going to be the only one in the game.

We all wish you well but want you to have some idea of the consequences if you stick around.

Let us know how you are doing!!!
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: loveiswhatlasts

I hear how it makes sense to leave especially when he won't marry me. He won't even tell his kids that we have a lifetime commitment because he's still seeing other women and doesn't want to get in trouble. But how do you just leave someone you really love, who needs you? I can't do it even when I make the argument to myself that if he won't marry me, and he won't, I'm making a big mistake by staying, and if I'm going to leave I'd better do it now so he has time to fill the hole I'd leave. Even though he's being a jerk right now and taking me for granted, it would devastate him. Meanwhile, I'm fairly devastated myself.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: loveiswhatlasts

Also, I tried to discuss some of the legal issues with him. He said he will make provisions so that if he gets agitated with me, his kids can't make me leave, and he has provided for me in his will (even before the diagnosis) but he won't give me poa even just for medical decisions. That goes to one of the children who hasn't even asked to talk to any of his doctors, who all know me. It's not that I think she and I would disagree, but who knows, but I feel like I am willing to make a huge sacrifice and it's barely being acknowledged, much less honored or treated as valuable. I'm really confused, can't figure out what's important, what signals I will later wish I'd paid attention to, where I'm being petty.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:15 PM
Originally posted by: biccoastal

You know the right answer. He has made it clear that you are never going to have a position of honor in his life. If he won't tell his kids or the other women that he is committed to you, he isn't really committed and he doesn't plan to be. You need to ask yourself why you would settle for what he is offering and why you focus so intently on his needs instead of your own. Please find a good therapist. Your life is valuable.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.

quote:
Originally posted by loveiswhatlasts:
I hear how it makes sense to leave especially when he won't marry me. He won't even tell his kids that we have a lifetime commitment because he's still seeing other women and doesn't want to get in trouble. But how do you just leave someone you really love, who needs you? I can't do it even when I make the argument to myself that if he won't marry me, and he won't, I'm making a big mistake by staying, and if I'm going to leave I'd better do it now so he has time to fill the hole I'd leave. Even though he's being a jerk right now and taking me for granted, it would devastate him. Meanwhile, I'm fairly devastated myself.


I wholeheartedly agree with others that your next step now is a good therapist or counselor. You need to talk openly with someone who has YOUR best interests at heart.

Don't base your decision -- or your life -- on what might devastate someone else, even if you love them. (I admit that this is easier to see when viewing someone else's life, than my own!) It's good to take other people into account -- but it's important to love yourself and cherish your own life. A therapist can help you not be swept away.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: JAB

Oh, dear. Your more recent posts make this situation sound very different from your earlier ones.

You are mistaking being needed for love. I know. Been there, done that. The emotional pull is very, very strong.

It is not love. Really, it's not.

And if you stay, you will be far more than devastated -- you'll be destroyed. What SEmpens said is true -- you won't have anything left, emotionally or financially. You also won't have your health any more. You won't even have your youth any more. And by the time you begin to realize what a huge mistake you've made, you'll be too stuck to get out.

I agree you should talk with a therapist. Seriously. Immediately. Listen to biccoastal.

And the question you should seek to answer in therapy is why you think you are worth so little that you aren't seeking a relationship where you are loved. (Betcha dollars to donuts that's what the therapist will say, too.)

Love goes both ways.

Petty? Petty??? Honey, he's not "being a jerk right now" -- he is a jerk. A manipulative, cheating jerk. And that part is not going to get better -- the dementia will make it worse. Much worse.

Since when does anyone have a "lifetime commitment" who is still seeing other women? And rubbing your nose in it, no less. Geez.

Read what you've posted to us. How would it sound to you if it were a stranger who wrote that? What advice would you give her?
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: JAB

Mary, that's an interesting thought. It does seem like a diagnosis of amnestic MCI wouldn't be given by someone who isn't pretty knowledgeable about diagnosing dementias, though ...

Amnestic MCI is not a dementia, but if it does progress to dementia, the expected outcome is AD. FTD would be expected from single domain non-amnestic MCI.

Plus if the Aricept really is helping (it seems a little early to tell), that makes it even less likely to be prodromal FTD.

Loveis, you mentioned going to Mayo for imaging next month. Is that for some special type of imaging? Hasn't there already been an MRI or CT scan? Those would typically show vascular dementia.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: Starling

...[sigh]... Every once in a while I listen to what a new caregiver is saying and I tell that person it is time to pack things up and leave.

This is one of those times.

Understand that I've been married for 50+ years. Most of the time the honorable thing and the reasonable thing is to stick it out and I'll help almost anyone survive sticking it out. This is different. You are not married to this person. His family doesn't know about you. This is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. And if there is one thing I am very big on it is:

NO RESPONSIBILITY WITHOUT AUTHORITY!

If you don't have the authority to take care of this man, you also do not have the responsibility to do so. But you are responsible for saving your own life. Get out now.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: Mary-Texas

I agree with the advice from the others.

However, I see another question or issue here. What specialist gave this diagnosis of MCI? There is a possibility the diagnosis is wrong or there is more than one type of dementia involved. The sexuality issue could also possibly be caused by dementia - such as frontal lobe dementia or FTD or vascular dementia or others. It's almost like an OCD component of dementia.

My mother has FTD/behaviorial type and after my stepfather died, for a while she tried to find any man she could to go out with her. The behavior surprised me greatly. The phase lasted for a few months and it scared me to see how easily someone could take advantage of her. But she was so eccentric with her behavior, she never did find anyone. This happened before I became her legal guardian and then moved her to assisted living.

Just another thought to consider -- that it might be part of his illness that is causing this behavior.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: loveiswhatlasts

I spent last night crying uncontrollably. the MCI diagnosis was from the best Alzheimer's doctor at Emory. He had an MRI that showed shrinkage of the hippocampus (I think that's what it was), the part of the brain that deals with short-term memory. we are going to Mayo to do some brain imaging that's currently in clinical trials, but they put some sort of dye in the brain and they can tell how much plaque is in it. They asked him if he wanted to know whether he was going to get AD, and he reluctantly said yes. They said they will know with a large degree of certainty because really, if he has the plaque, he already has AD. He's always been a little OCD and he's never been a one-woman man (at least he's honest about it), so I don't think this behavior is dementia. He's just trying to have all the fun he can before it's over. I'm carefully considering everything you've all said. I'm going to see a lawyer, and I'm not going to do anything drastic until we get more info from Mayo. Thank you all for your concern.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: loveiswhatlasts

Wow, bicoastal, that's amazing that the social worker assumed that. I have already emailed Mayo for an appt with a care-givers' social worker. And Jfkoc, and everybody, I do know you're all speaking from your hearts. Does anybody else wish that the rest of the world would be as kind and supportive as this message board? I've had people who haven't even seen my anxiety tell me I'm overreacting since it isn't AD (yet) so I'm just borrowing trouble. People seem to think that it's being supportive to say their memory is as bad as his, as if it's a joke. The other night, he actually said, "What happened to my bread?" and I said, "You ate it," and he said he didn't even remember what it tasted like, so he ate another piece to find out. I wanted to say, "I'm not over-reacting. This is not normal." But thanks to having read one of the articles recommended above, I just let him eat more bread without comment from me, and we had a pleasant dinner. It's reassuring to be with people who acknowledge this is a real problem and I'm doing the right thing to learn what I can so I can make some smart choices. Thank you again.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: biccoastal

Absolutely. No judgment. For what it is worth, our first diagnosis was delivered by a team of physician and social worker. The social worker assumed without asking that I would divorce my husband. We'd been together 10 years then. In her experience, she said, it was rare for a relationship to withstand the challenges of dementia unless - pre-diagnosis - the couple had a history of a long and happy marriage and a deep network of friends and family. She also said it was a service to the patient and the patient's family for the younger newer spouse to leave as soon as practical so the patient could move and adjust while still competent.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: jfkoc

We are truly concerned and everything suggested was from our hearts.

You will know a lot more after Mayo. I have a dear friend who is looking to get up there for AD work up so I am especially interested in your opinion.

We are here to support you what ever you decide!
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.

quote:
Originally posted by biccoastal:
Absolutely. No judgment. For what it is worth, our first diagnosis was delivered by a team of physician and social worker. The social worker assumed without asking that I would divorce my husband. We'd been together 10 years then. In her experience, she said, it was rare for a relationship to withstand the challenges of dementia unless - pre-diagnosis - the couple had a history of a long and happy marriage and a deep network of friends and family. She also said it was a service to the patient and the patient's family for the younger newer spouse to leave as soon as practical so the patient could move and adjust while still competent.


Good grief!
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: loveiswhatlasts

Thanks, Cathy. We probably see then same doctors at Wesley Woods. Allen Leavey and a woman named Janet whose last name I can't think of at the moment. They are great and they're the ones who told us that Mayo will be able to tell us with a large degree of certainty whether he'll get AD. I must have misunderstood what they said about how they would know. This is all so new and overwhelming.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: Cmak

hi " love..."

My DH is 56 and just diagnosed with EOAD. We have known each other only about 10 years, married for 8, and separated for over 5 !! just back together almost 2 years now. Like your guy, mine is a womanizer, has always done what he likes without caring who he hurts. He was dating other women while we were separated and even when we resumed "dating". At present, we have finally found our "happy place" - I hope. I live in fear he will resort back to the swinging single guy when his disease gets worse.

Like you, I really love the guy and I have worked like hell to keep this relationship going. We are finally making progress and we are getting along great now. He is finally standing up for me to his family and trusting me to take over his finances.

BUT , if I had it to do over again, I WOULD NOT DO IT !!! We do not have 20 or 30 years of happy memories. We have had some good times, lots of bad times, and now that I see what I am in for, I regret that I tried so hard to repair my marriage. I am going to stick it out and care for him because I do love him and he says he loves me, too.

BUT: Even love is not enough to deal with what you are facing. If you are not married and not "legal" on paper, you are in for a world of pain, emotionally and physically.

You can still care about him, but you don't have to give him your life when he doesn't care how he hurts you. I wish I had good advice 8 years ago and let him go the first time he walked out on me.

I know you have had lots of information and advice here in this forum and one thing I see over and over is TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF !!!!
Do NOT sacrifice yourself for someone who does not deserve it.

Get some professional advice and if he will not co-operate by legally taking care of you, then you will have to make the really tough choice to leave. It will tear your guts out to do it, but you cannot stay in that relationship the way it is now.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: Nipper

quote:
Let me get this straight.

You have a man who cheats on you, won't tell his family about you, won't marry you, but thinks it's okay for you to be his nurse maid for free for his long term terminal illness.

How special is that?!?!

Don't walk, RUN to a therapist immediately and figure out why in the world you would even consider an offer like this for 2 seconds before you ran screaming for the hills.



Get the "hell" out of there!
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.

quote:
Originally posted by loveiswhatlasts:
I spent last night crying uncontrollably. the MCI diagnosis was from the best Alzheimer's doctor at Emory. He had an MRI that showed shrinkage of the hippocampus (I think that's what it was), the part of the brain that deals with short-term memory. we are going to Mayo to do some brain imaging that's currently in clinical trials, but they put some sort of dye in the brain and they can tell how much plaque is in it. They asked him if he wanted to know whether he was going to get AD, and he reluctantly said yes. They said they will know with a large degree of certainty because really, if he has the plaque, he already has AD.


??? Our brain specialists are at Emory Wesley Woods and we have other Emory specialists we love too -- but "if he has the plaque, he already has AD?" What about all the people who die without any symptoms of AD -- or let's say, just MCI -- but who have plaque in their brains?

The other thing is -- even if his MCI progresses to AD or you're told that despite MCI "staging" or "symptoms" it's "really" AD -- that doesn't tell you really what will happen next or when. Keep that in mind -- I guess it's one of those "prepare for the worst but expect the best" things -- and if you read the forum here, or books like "The 36 Hour Day" then the focus is often on "prepare for the worst."
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
Originally posted by: Jazzythecat

Let me get this straight.

You have a man who cheats on you, won't tell his family about you, won't marry you, but thinks it's okay for you to be his nurse maid for free for his long term terminal illness.

How special is that?!?!

Don't walk, RUN to a therapist immediately and figure out why in the world you would even consider an offer like this for 2 seconds before you ran screaming for the hills.
 
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