Archived Message Board
Spouse/Partner Caregiver Forum
Adjustment to spouse going to nursing home
quote:Originally posted by F. A. R.:In late May,my husband for 45 years entered a nursing home. It was the worst day thus far in my life. My goal was to keep him at home for the duration of his illness, but the situation became too difficult. I had help come into the home from an agency for the past year and we were up to 12 hours of care a day. However, I always had to be around since he needed two people to assist him many times a day. It was impossible for one person to get him out of bed, bathe and dress him, to take him to the bathroom, and to get him to bed at night. He had to be watched constantly as he would try to stand, but could no longer support himself. He virtually does nothing for himself anymore. He recognizes no one, knows no names - not even his own. However, he does respond to his name at times.The agency experience was not the best - we had over 30 different caregiver over the year. We had chosen a nursing home back in December, but twice I declined his admission. Finally, when I learned that our best caregiver was leaving, I called and said we were ready. Taking him out of our home that day tore me apart. Then to see him amidst the other residents all but did me in. I was going to him from 11 a.m. until 8 p.m. for several weeks until a nurse with whom I had become friends told me that I needed a break for my own sake. Reluctantly, I cut back to four to six hours per da. I have only missed a few days and feel horrible even though I know he has good care. I just miss him so much. But, when I am with him it also hurts when he looks at me with a blank stare, talks with animals that are not there, talks jibberish, and hasn't once asked about home. When I am at home alone, I cry, on the way to the nursing home, I cry, on the way home, I cry. How long does it take to adjust, and will the awful pain of losing my husband who I can still see and touch ever go away?
quote:Originally posted by Cathy J. M.:One thing that's clear is that there's no one right way! At one extreme, Jim Broede spent most of every day at the NH with his wife -- for years till she died. He was happy. Starling goes once a week, her husband does fine, and she's happy. I've read forum messages from lots of people somewhere in between -- visiting two or three times a week. One thing all have in common is that when NOT at the nursing home, they refresh and renew themselves.So it's a matter of finding the life pattern that works for you and your husband, and finding ways to refresh yourself between visits.
quote:Originally posted by Cathy J. M.:[snip]One thing all have in common is that when NOT at the nursing home, they refresh and renew themselves.So it's a matter of finding the life pattern that works for you and your husband, and finding ways to refresh yourself between visits.
quote:Originally posted by Twinie:[snip] I cry every night and feel guilty. [snip Sheryl
quote:Originally posted by hacky:How do I keep from second guessing my decision? How do I tell myself that what I did was right and necessary? I'm a basket case. HELP!!
quote:Originally posted by Morgan R:Terramori,I feel exactly as you do, however my husband can no longer communicate and I find that even more a reason that I need to be there everyday. That is my story and I'm sticking to it.
quote:Originally posted by terromari:but I am sure there are behavior issues later.
quote:Originally posted by Cathy J. M.:quote:Originally posted by terromari:but I am sure there are behavior issues later. Is he getting any physical therapy there in the current NH? Or did doctors agree that PT just couldn't possibly help him?Would his sister accept the NH nurse's assessment of how he is, so you can take him out on paratransport?I'm with you all the way!