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Forgotten on Christmas
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: lurk

My DH gave me some things. I bought them. Also the Santa gifts, etc. He's vaguely aware that he should give me a gift, but not totally. At some point, I might take the money out of his account for them, but who knows. I haven't gotten that far yet--still exhausted.

It doesn't bother me. He can't help it. I'm so sorry it bothers you. I know you are grieving the dumb disease, not the lack of a present. And you were having issues with emotions already. I hope you will GET SOME COUNSELING soon. We want to hear that you are happy (as possible). Keep us posted.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: jilljaime

My DH knew he should have bought me a gift, but couldn't figure out how he could have done it (ask a friend to take him shopping?) I knew I wasn't going to get anything from him, so I bought my own gifts (he he) but I made damn sure to have gifts for my DH and made sure he opened each one (with my help) and looked at the gift. By the end of the day, he had no idea what he received, but at the moment of opening his gifts, he was happy. I think it was just the idea of opening a gift.
Internal Administrator
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Joined: 1/14/2015
Posts: 40463


Originally posted by: JEMM

My DH has always taken such pleasure in giving me things, but this year I was totally forgotten by him on Christmas. My family was over and opening gifts, but nothing for me from my DH. Now, I wasn't upset because I didn't receive a present, but I was upset because he couldn't remember that he was supposed to give me one. I fought with this all day Christmas, but now I have come to terms with it. I have asked him about what he received from the family and if he liked what I gave him, but nothing triggers his memory regarding my gift from him. This whole AD thing stinks.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: RHW

Once again, I realize that we all share the same issues and deal with the same emotions! I have been telling my DH for months that I wanted a pair of UGG boots for Christmas. Of-course he did not know what that was, remember that I had said it or have any way to buy them himself. So...I took him shopping one day in early Dec. and "he" bought my present!! Right up until we opened the present he kept saying "I have to go buy you a present" I would assure him that he had already done so and that it was under the tree. I would even point out the present for him. He seemed happy that it was taken care of. Our son and his family came for a short visit a few days before Christmas and he took his dad to the store to get a couple little surprises. Nothing big but he liked doing it. I was happy that he still wanted to get me something AFTER I stressed what I wanted and the need to get it!!!

I continually remind him of things that he is forgetting so this seemed to be just one more of those things. Worked for me and himSmiler The boots are wonderful!!! lol
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Rkg

JEMM, as you can see, your not alone in this journey. It's been about 4 years since my DH has even thought of a Christmas gift for me, as well as birthday ect. Like so many things in this journey you learn to forget about it. I know it stinks, but it's a reality.

When my FIL was traveling this journey I took it upon myself to purchase gifts for my MIL from him, but do you think she would do that for me? Oh hell no! In fact she never Thanked me for doing it (even though it was obvious who had gotten them). But I know I did the right thing, so I suppose that is all that matters.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Neoh

I am really grateful that neither my spouse nor I were ever particularly tied to specific occasions being significant - the forgetting birthdays, Christmas, etc. are one less thing to sting.

I did notice more loss in her ability to function this year. My spouse did ask for a list, then told me to just buy the things on my list for myself (and she kept wanting to just go buy the things she has mentioned over the past month or so for herself). I bought one off my list, and let her know when it was coming. I got home the day it was expected to arrive. I asked her if she had checked for packages and her response was "Why would I have done that?" I reminded her of the present she had had me order, and she then checked and brought the package in and finished the rest of the present preparation.

She ordered a second thing off my list (with quite a bit more assistance from me than it would have previously taken for her to order something on-line). When I didn't know whether it had arrived or not by the time we were ready to head out for my parents' house for a few days, I asked her whether we needed to have someone watch for packages arriving. She indicated my present was already wrapped.

Since what I knew she had wrapped the first big package, and the second one was small, I prodded a bit. She had merged the two presents in her mind - had no recollection she had ordered a second one, but "remembered" ordering the first one (which she did not participate in ordering at all).

...But, nothing wrong with her memory (according to her). Sigh. We just keep plodding along - and I'm grateful that noticing changes in level of functionality from year to year doesn't have the added sting (for me) of being forgotten on special occasions.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Patti Dicken

I also bought my own giftd & then gave them to him to wrap & know what they were. After I wrapped the gifts for him & our son in private on Christmas Eve I asked him if he had any wrapping to do & he told me he had plenty of time to do it & that he was tired & going to bed. I woke him up about 2:00 p.m. so he could open his gifts & he enjoyed them & spent most of the afternoon visiting with our son. When I went to start dinner later in the evening he followed me into the kitchen, where we have a fairly small workspace, & decided he didn't like the way the dishwasher was venting & made up his mind to fix it right then while I cooked. What a night I couldn't get into the fridge since he was standing in front of itvlocking my access to it. When I would ask him to get something out of it for me hje would have no idea what idea what i was talking about or where to look for it. I would then have to try & get him to move so I could get thngs out. We eventually did get to eat around 7:30 p.m. which is when he prefers to eat. Later that evening when I went into our bedroom he had the gifts I had bought myself laid out on the bed & asked me what did I want done with "that stuff"? The day after Christmas he slept until 4:00 p.m. stayed awake until 7 & when I went to tell him "Yhr Sound of Music" was on (his favorite movie) he was fast asleep again. Today we had friends visit us & went to lunch with them & he was more like his old self.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Starling

Jemm, I was were you are two years ago. It hurts because Christmas was always such a big thing with us.

For next year you need to decide what part of Christmas you really NEED and talk to one, or more, of your kids and ask that they take care of you in that way. That was how I dealt with it, and it worked. Now, two years later, Christmas was fun again. I've got a great daughter.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Rkg

JEMM we knew what you meant, actually I think more than you thinking your Dh is not thoughtful you really mean that your sad that he's no longer able to remember to be thoughtful. Frowner Wink
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Dorinne

quote:
Originally posted by Rkg:
in this journey you learn to forget about it. I know it stinks, but it's a reality.


Exactly, Frowner

I thank you for getting the gifts for your FIL that year that was so sweet of you. Wink Wink

no exchange of gifts for us this year, we get gifts all year, we say. He loves our new family room floor and decor, surprised me how much.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Dorinne

Jemm,

I knew what you meant. It was not the gift, but the thought. Wink
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: JEMM

I want to thank everyone for their concerns and responses to my Christmas issues. I do want to say, that after I posted and shared my feelings, I actually felt better. Sometimes I just need to vent. The last several years, my DH has asked our oldest daughter to find out what I wanted and she would get it for him. I was fully aware of this and appreciated him making that effort. All I was saying is that I miss my thoughtful husband, not the gift.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Patti Dicken

Oh Jemm,

I think that we all understood what you meant earlier yeserday. I know for me I miss sharing the planning & preparations for the holidays. It just is very hard to try & make it festive & enjoyable for my DH wheb he doesn't seem to be aware of the fact that Christmas is coming.

Patti
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: JEMM

Starling,
October 2011 will be our 50th anniversary year too. I am so hoping he will be able to remember enough by then to enjoy the day. I know he can't help not remembering. It is just sad for him for me and for all of you. We are all in this together and I hope we can continue to encourage each other through the whole process.
Blessings to all,
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Dorinne

quote:
Originally posted by Dorinne:
Jemm,

I knew what you meant. It was not the gift, but the thought. Wink


I should have added:........ but their thought process is broken. Frowner
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Rkg

quote:
Originally posted by terromari:
What I will miss from my LO are the wonderful holiday cards he picked out for me.

Me too..............



Haven't seen him for a week, so afraid he will forget me.

I am sorry to say that he might forget you, but understand my DH is with me 24./7 and he doesn't always know me! It's a sad reality of this disease. It always throws me for a loop when he ask me who I am. Frowner


Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Starling

Jemm, losing the holidays, birthdays and anniversaries is one of the harder things that happen to caregivers.

This is my 50th anniversary year. I've been through the anniversary of meeting him, the engagement anniversary and in February the wedding anniversary ALONE. He doesn't even know that I'm his wife much less that we have been together 50 years. He might not still be alive when the wedding anniversary happens.

All of this is hard, hard, HARD. We all understand what is making you so sad because a lot of us have already walked miles in your shoes. It is OK to vent. Sometimes all of us need to vent.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: terromari

What I will miss from my LO are the wonderful holiday cards he picked out for me. I have a stack of them, each with a little love and kisses note. They are wonderful. My EX used to give my son money to buy cards for me. But LO bought them himself, reading the verses, picking the most sweet and romantic. The presents were secondary, as he did not have a lot of money so the gifts were small (but cherished). I am going to visit him today even though there is sickness on the ward. Haven't seen him for a week, so afraid he will forget me.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Ellen Lee

Sorry new what does DH stand for not new to alz 6 years now but new to site
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: So Sad

It is sad, my DH had my daughter take him to get an anniversary card for me last night and this morning he couldn't find it, then when he did find it he gave it to me without the envelope and unsigned. I guess that is better then Valentines day though, he handed me a plastic Walmart sack with an unsigned card and a bottle of listerine his flavor that he had bought for himself. LOL. I guess he realizes that it is a card giving occassion, but has forgotten how it really works. He used to have great penmanship and alway's pick beautiful cards out for everyone, when the girls in the office told me happy anniversary today I almost cried. I miss the man he used to be.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: sf

We all do, go right ahead. No one here judges, just tries to assess the situation and offer help. On occasion venting is necessary.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: meeko11

DH=dear husband. Ellen Lee welcome to our motley crew.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Ellen Lee

thank you so much I need to vent
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Ellen Lee

I FEEL YOUR PAIN HUGS! My birthday and his were so special and now not a clue. What keeps me going is I feel like I am getting a chance to slowly sAY GOOD-BYE
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Grandma pat

All Holidays are strange to say the least. My DH is always nasty. I think he knows he should do something, a card a gift even say Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday but he no longer remembers how or what to do so he is just plain nasty. This Christmas our son ( the only 1 of 5 lives within 200 miles ) came with his family on Christmas eve staed maybe 3 or 4 hrs. Things were O.K. most of the time he sits. He did open gifts but did not have a clue or understand all of the goings on. But he had triedto start an argument before they came about going to a craft show I changed the suject but on Christmas he got cleaned up and I asked why he said you know why Iam going to that place I explained that they do not hold craft showes on Christmas but long story short, as usual things went from bad to worse and even though I had planned a special dinner I was so upset we ate a frozen dinner ON CRSTMAS!!!. All holidays seem to b e spoiled and I dread them all and even feel bad for my 2 grandchildren that live here. Mothers day was one of te worst but again I thnk he sort of knows what to do but feels guilty for doing nothing not even a card. I certainly dont expect a ValentiNe. Used to buy flowers or a darling basket with a plant I still use the basket & sometimes it brings joy and pleasant memories & sometimes it just makes me sad SADDER!!ENOUGH BUT THANKS FOR LETTINNNG ME VENT
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: Carol63

It is very true for me about missing the thought of my LO picking out that special card and/or gift that marked the passing of each of our special days. We have 3 teenage children so much of the days are brightened by them, but still his special way of letting me know that I mattered is missed. This year my mother and older sister made a special effort to help replace his gift. I loved their thoughtfulness and caring but somehow it is just not the same. Thank goodness I saved so many of his cards that I can take out and reread. I know he would give a similar card/thought if he could.

Since Xmas I have only visited 3-4 times as I work full time over 1 hour from his hospital and now almost 4.5 hours from his NH. He may not recognize me by the next visit as it is snowing and tomorrow is my only day off this week.

Sorry for rambling but being forgotten is painful as he sometimes "forgot" one of the kids til I learned to give him a "reminder" of who I had visiting with me.

Thanks for listening.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:21 PM
Originally posted by: lurk

Grandma Pat, I went back and read some of your posts to try to get to know you better, and I was reminded that I was concerned about you months ago. I don't remember how old you and he are, but you said in the fall that you had been doing this for 10 years. You said enough is enough, and I think it really is.

For you and me, we don't have the heartbreak of our loved one not remembering and doing romantic, thoughtful things that he used to because it sounds as though he never did. I consider that a consolation. I am not upset as some are. But I'm sorry for your absolutely awful Christmas and hope that next year you will have an absolutely wonderful one.

Can you take some steps to begin the process--like GET SOME HELP WITH HIM!
 
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